HAPPY CAMPERS
A SCREENPLAY (?)
BY
DANIEL WATERS (!)
THIRD DRAFT
OCTOBER 1998
NOTE FROM THE PERSON WHO'S PUTTING THIS ONLINE:
HERE IS AN EARLY DRAFT OF THE SCREENPLAY.
IT FEATURES A HIKE INSTEAD OF A HURRICANE AND
A SINGLE GOD-LIKE NARRATOR INSTEAD OF A SERIES
OF SUBJECTIVE, IN-CHARACTER NARRATORS. THERE'S
A LOT MORE PETER STORMARE (OBERON) IN THIS.
FOR THE ONLINE TEXT VERSION OF THIS EARLY DRAFT,
ALL "DELETED SCENES" AND "DELETED DIALOGUE" WILL
BE MARKED WITH RIGHT-MARGIN BRACKETS: ----> ]
DIFFERENCES IN DIALOGUE (REWRITES, ETC), SLIGHT
CHANGES TO ACTION, LOCATIONS, AND ANY RE-ORDERING
OR "CHOPPING UP" OF SCENES ARE NOT MARKED AT ALL.
ALL THAT'S MARKED IS WHAT'S MISSING FROM THE
FILM AS RELEASED...
EXT. THE LAKE OF THE CAMP--DAY ]
]
A brief, majestic trek across a placid lake to...discarded ]
life jackets on a barren pier...canoes capsized next to ]
abandoned sand castles. ]
INT. EMPTY CABIN--DAY ]
]
An unsettling glide through a cabin packed with overflowing ]
trunks and torn apart bunks...empty of children. ]
INT. CAFETERIA--DAY ]
]
A cafeteria looming like a ghost ship, bereft of people, ]
but decked out in the gooey remains of a food fight. ]
EXT. A PATCH IN THE FOREST--DAY
A tangled weave through a neglected gallery of trees, each
carved with a heart, + sign, lovers' initials, and an
apostrophied year.
EXT. ANOTHER PATCH OF THE FOREST--DAY
The viewer dizzys deeper into the woods before emerging into
a clearing to behold the enigmatic image of SEVEN ACTUAL
HUMANS-- not boys and girls, not quite men and women--
aggressively dressed to fit their very different
personalities. The Humans-in-question stare forward while
standing upon a log that is balance beamed across a ditch.
THE SMOOTH VOICE OF A NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was the first summer of the 21st
century. Wendy, Wichita, Talia,
Donald, Adam, Jasper, and Pixel were
to spend it as camp counselors. The
world would be changed forever. Kind
of. Not really.
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--DAY
The seven characters are now seen situated atop an array
of large rocks surrounding a flagpole. They have all been
straight-jacketed into the same identity-squelching light-
blue shirt and all hold a glossy booklet that has a cute
counselor couple and a cuter Camper joyously roasting hot
dogs on its cover.
A HARSH MALE VOICE sneers from a loudspeaker atop a small ]
structure nearby. ]
]
HARSH LOUDSPEAKER VOICE (O.S.) ]
...no smoking, no drinking, no ]
climbing the mountain, no cursing, ]
no playing favorites, no sexuality ]
of any possible dimension... ]
]
Irreverently ignoring the harsh voice, the instantly ]
charismatic WICHITA and his overwhelmingly acerbic college ]
pal, TALIA, entertain themselves over the workbooklet cover. ]
]
TALIA ]
Am I the only one disturbed by this ]
cover? The way counselor's holding ]
his weenie... ]
]
WICHITA ]
...the way the camper is holding ]
his little bun. Total Kiddie porn. ]
]
An almost painfully adorable fellow counselor, later to be ]
revealed as WENDY, turns to give them a Sh-h-h gesture ]
causing them to further unmuffle their giggling. ]
]
HARSH LOUDSPEAKER VOICE (O.S.) ]
...and to quote the moving words ]
of the workbooklet: "You'll learn ]
the true meaning of responsibility ]
while creating memories that last ]
a lifetime." ]
]
WICHITA AND TALIA ]
Wow. ]
Two buses screech up out of nowhere. The counselors jolt
their skulls toward an opening bus door.
JUMP CUT
The viewer pulls out from a T-shirt displaying a crappy mall-
computer-photo of a Happy Kid to see the SHIRT-WEARING KID
HIMSELF, clinging to a bus door, WAILING his reddened eyes
out. Moving off, one takes in the panorama of rabidly
freaked-out CAMPERS and beleaguered COUNSELORS.
Immediately most noticeable is a warped, sparkle-haired fairy
later to be known as PIXEL, who floats throughout the scene
sticking different colored band-aids on every camper and
counselor. Oasis-of-adorability Wendy overgloriously leads
a seated circle of singing, clapping campers into song.
WENDY AND CAMPERS
(Frito Bandito tune)
"Aye-aye-aye-aye, in China they never
grow chilly, So sing me another verse
that's worse than the first and make
sure it's foolish and silly..."
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Rightly or wrongly, for better or
worse, the counselors defined
themselves quickly. No one more so
than Wendy. First week of camp, the
perky girl who knows all the rules
and all the songs is pretty much
Queen.
EXT. THE WOODS--FLASH FORWARD DAY ]
]
Wendy looks up a wiggling rope, cheering an unseen climbing ]
camper. The Camper body SLAMS down out of frame. Wendy aims ]
a "Don't give up" cheer downward. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Wendy's monarchy of relentlessly
daisy-fresh enthusiasm could not
possibly last. Or could it?
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--FLASH FORWARD DUSK ]
]
Wendy is lowering a flag reading DAY 4 while booming out ]
a hymn to camp spirit. A semi-circle of other counselors ]
stare dumbfounded. ]
]
COOL COUNSELOR WICHITA ]
Uh, Wendy dear, the kids are back ]
in the cabins... ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh please, you silly geese, like ]
you need to be a child to do the ]
sing-a-long... ]
]
Wendy re-blasts into song. Snorting out smiling surrender, ]
the other counselors slowly warble along with her. ]
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--PRESENT DAY
The bandaid fairy Pixel adhesives Wendy and the rest of the ]
circle. She then flutters over to stick TWO CAMPER BOYS, ]
who are both LATINO, but of highly different income brackets. ]
]
UPPER INCOME LATINO KID ]
You're one of those charity kids, ]
aren't you? The newspaper sends a ]
bunch of broke kids to camp every ]
year. You're one of them. I can ]
tell. ]
]
LOWER INCOME LATINO KID ]
Why are you talking shit--I'm not ]
one of them. ]
]
The bespectacled, profoundly geeky DONALD DARK, lowers a ]
clipboard before the Lower Income Boy. ]
]
DONALD DARK ]
Hey Hector, I just need you to check ]
this box so the people at the ]
Oregonian Send A Kid To Camp Fund ]
know you got here safe and sound. ]
]
The Upper Income Spanish Kid detonates in an "Aah" of ]
laughter. The Lower Income Spanish Kid glumly checks the ]
paper and makes a surly exit. Donald comprehends the ]
situation with an agonized body heave. He wallops the ]
clipboard against his forehead then turns to a NASTY GIRL. ]
NASTY CAMPER GIRL
This camp sucks shit! A good counselor
is supposed to know when we eat and
where are the horses and why--Fu--
uck!
A burst of blood pours from the losing-it girl's nose. The
freaked-out Donald Duck backs away into the flagpole.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Donald Dark liked to think of himself
as a witty, intelligent young man
trapped in a geek's body.
EXT. THE GRASS BEFORE THE ARCHERY RANGE--FLASH FORWARD DAY ]
]
Donald claps his hands trying to rouse his volleyball team. ]
A ball thunders right into his face. His team bursts into ]
laughter. Donald weakly smiles. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unfortunately, and Donald Dark had
known this for years, a witty,
intelligent young man in a geek's
body is still a geek.
EXT. OUTSIDE BOYS' CABIN--FUTURE NIGHT
Donald and some other male counselors patrol past some
cabins, casually wielding flashlights. A SLEEPWALKER GIRL
shuffles in the background.
DONALD
I had a sleepwalker at my last camp.
Important thing's not to panic...so
anyway, like I was saying, once the ]
campers found out my full name was ]
Donald Dark, their brilliant minds ]
led them to call me Donald Dark Duck, ]
which turned into Daffy, for Daffy ]
Duck is indeed a dark duck. Then ]
my name became Retarded Marshmallow ]
Head. Don't ask... ]
]
MALE COUNSELOR (JASPER) ]
I won't. Listen man, I'm sure this ]
summer will be a lot different... ]
]
A group of smiling male campers are revealed to be sinisterly ]
huddled at a window behind them. ]
]
EAVESDROPPING MALE CAMPER ]
"Retarded Marshmallow Head." I like ]
it. I like it a lot. ]
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--PRESENT DAY
A FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN COUNSELOR OF EXTREME COMPETENCE ]
sails past Donald to deftly gauze the nasty, nosebleeding ]
girl. Donald spins away right into Talia. She snickers as ]
he scrambles away. ]
A Jewish non-princess oozing an urban sharpness, Talia goes
to light a cigarette. Realizing the potential no-no factor,
she pockets the cig with a sigh, then notices a SAD LONELY
GIRL plopped on a rock, backpack against chest.
With a deep breath, Talia approaches and crouches beside
the Sad Lonely Girl.
TALIA
You look a like you could use a
friend. You know, I'll never forget
my first day at camp. Boy, I was
so nervous that I...
WENDY
(rushing up)
Hey--whaddya say, we need another
muskrat to join our Sunshine circle.
Scurry up! Isn't Fun great!
Blossoming, the No-longer-lonely girl gallops off, leaving
Talia gaping. Talia's buddy Wichita sidles up with a chuckle,
throwing an arm around the rising-in-defeat Talia. They watch
No-longer-lonely girl being tucked into the circle of
handclappers.
TALIA ]
So much for that child psychology ]
class we took last semester. ]
]
WICHITA ]
I warned you, Talia--Childhood has ]
got nothing to do with children. ]
]
TALIA ]
How can you compete with "Isn't Fun ]
great?" ]
Talia nestles a little further into Wichita's arm.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Talia liked kids. In theory. Talia
liked nature. In pictures. Talia
was city-cigarette-cynicism
temporarily located 72 miles outside
of Portland for one reason: Him.
EXT. THE LAKE--FLASH FORWARD DAY ]
]
AN UNSTOPPABLY MUTTERING CAMPER GIRL is glommed to the side ]
of Talia, who is standing in the lake, staring out to a ]
shirtless Wichita playing frisbee in the wind. ]
]
UNSTOPPABLY MUTTERING GIRL ]
It-was-just-like-summer-camp-except- ]
it-was-on-a-farm-in-Canada-and-nobody- ]
wore-any-clothes-Guess-how-many-rated- ]
R-movies-I've-seen?-Three-The- ]
Shawshank--- ]
]
Not breaking visual contact with Wichita, Talia firmly dunks ]
the Muttering Girl's talking head beneath the water. ]
]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.) ]
Wichita, the gorgeous gentile with ]
the only bullshit detector cranked ]
as high as hers was. She loved him ]
from the moment he moved into the ]
dorm. For a chance to deepen their ]
friendship, Talia would have done ]
anything. Unfortunately, summer ]
camp has a way of redefining the ]
word "anything." ]
]
Talia plucks back up the Muttering Girl who sputters some ]
water then picks up where she left off. ]
]
UNSTOPPABLY MUTTERING GIRL ]
Redemption-Repo-Man-Schindler's-List--- ]
all rated R. My-favorite-food-is- ]
Chinese-food, my-second-favorite- ]
food is... ]
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--PRESENT DAY
Talia tenderly lifts her head from Wichita's shoulder.
TALIA
College was entertaining, Wichita,
but after 40 days and 40 nights of
this, I really think we're going
to get to know each...
WICHITA
Ooh look, time to confiscate my first
water balloon...
Wichita dutifully withdraws his arm and bolts off, leaving
Talia in a contorted dangle. She straightens with an exhale.
Behind her, a Camper Boy is nailed to the ground by a
backpack jettisoning from the back of the bus.
THE BACK OF THE BUS
ADAM, a severely muscular counselor of the fascist mode,
bellows down a hearty laugh to the crushed camper.
ADAM
What's wrong with you little vaginas?
Weak! Next!
EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE WOODS--DAY ]
]
Adam is leading his young "troops" in a boot camp trot down ]
a forest trail. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Adam needed little elaboration. As
a child, he tasted the whip. Now,
after years of waiting, it was Adam's
turn to crack it.
ADAM ]
This cabin needs to be a tight unit ]
of pure strength. You don't need ]
courage when you have no fear... ]
]
BOLD TWELVE YEAR OLD LOUDMOUTH ]
Man, you're such a cliche. ]
]
Adam brakes. So do the rest of the campers. Adam calmly turns ]
to the loudmouth and smiles. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Like any good fascist, Adam truly
believed his brand of counseling
was not sinister, but rather for
the camper's own good.
EXT. YET ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST--FAST FORWARD DAY ]
]
Boy and Girl Campers are laughing at a tree. The viewer spins ]
around the bark to see that the Loudmouth Kid has been nailed ]
high on the tree by his underwear in the most painfully ]
graphic wedgie of all time. ]
EXT. BACK TO THE BACK OF THE BUS--PRESENT DAY
Adam whips another pack into a QUIVERING BOY's chest. The ]
kid wobbles back, but keeps hold. ]
]
ADAM ]
Excellent! Now that's the focus I ]
want to see this summer! Next! ]
]
Wichita drifts by the bus, oblivious to the sight of another ]
hapless kid being slammed to the dirt by swooshing luggage. ]
Wichita stops at the tangle of the still-clutching-the-bus
Crying Boy and a struggling-to-remove-him counselor, the
sensitive but subversive JASPER.
WICHITA
Cinnamon or spearmint or both?
The Crying Kid devolcanoes into a sniffle to clasp a gum
stick magically appearing out of Wichita's hand. Wichita
gently pushes the boy off and points.
WICHITA
Go stand by the flagpole.
JASPER
Sorry about all that...I'm your CIT--
Jasper.
WICHITA
When all else fails, Jasper--Gum.
Even now in these troubled times, ]
every child's drug of choice. ]
Wichita struts off. The relaxed Jasper's eyes follow him
along with a subversively admiring smolder.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Jasper was seemingly shy, but
actually sly. A lot more than met
the eye.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF MESS HALL--FUTURE NIGHT ]
]
Fighting back tears, a LIP-BITING, HEAD-DOWN MALE CAMPER ]
HANGS UP a pay phone. He turns to Jasper, who calms him with ]
a soothing tone. Head rising, the boy departs. Jasper then ]
turns into a hug from a WEEPING GIRL hanging up another pay ]
phone. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Jasper was the sensitive counselor,
the one the campers seeked out to
discuss the biggies. He had an
uncanny ability to notice pain and
get it in the open. "In the open"
was Jasper's favorite place to be.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GIRLS' CABINS--FUTURE NIGHT
Jasper, along with Wichita and Donald, continue the
Sleepwalker girl search party.
DONALD
I mean, how far could she have..
JASPER
I'm gay. I could tell people were
getting this "sexually confused"
vibe from me. I'm not. I'm straight-
up fairy...but don't freak out, I'm
not attracted to either of you...
WICHITA ]
(a smile) ]
There's no reason to be rude... ]
DONALD
Well. Gay. Gay's great. I mean, I'm
not, you know, but hey, if you, I
mean--
Suddenly, the Sleepwalk Girl collides into the babbling
Donald causing him to screech.
EXT. THE CENTER OF CAMP--PRESENT DAY
Breaking his concentration, Pixel puts a band-aid on Jasper's
arm, then whisks forward to stick a SERIOUSLY TROUBLED BOY,
who immediately explodes into tearful shrieks. Jasper cringes
at the renewed noise pollution.
SERIOUSLY TROUBLED BOY
She touched me! She touched me!
WICHITA
(shouting back)
Meet Todd! From our cabin!
Jasper laughs. Pixel, meanwhile, flees from the scene of
the crime to a new area where she resumes her mysterious
band-aid sticking.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
The gung-ho cute counselor...The
hard-ass control freak...the
sensitive gay counselor...and then
there were those who could not be
glibly categorized. To name
one...Pixel.
INT. THE MESS HALL--FUTURE RAINY NIGHT
A BOOMBOX POUNDS a sultry TECHNO tune. Pixel and the girls
of the camp have taken shelter in a cafeteria with rain
battering about outside. A line of girls of different sizes
and ages are grinding to the music, unbuttoning their jeans.
The other girls are cheering their heads off, throwing
quarters at their feet.
PIXEL
Come on, this isn't the hokey-pokey,
a-che the body...that's it...Let's
hear some noise out there! The ladies
dance for tips and tips only!
STRIPPING GIRL ]
How's this empowering, again? ]
PIXEL
No, no, not one arm at a time, grab
the bottom of the shirt with both
hands, that's it. Feel the heat...
Backs turned, the girls tug their shirts up their spines.
A LOOKOUT GIRL turns from a splattered window.
LOOKOUT GIRL
Wendy!
Wendy enters the mess hall. She collapses her soaked umbrella
to reveal the vision of Pixel in charade mode with the girls
crumpled together in fake rapture. Wendy frowns suspiciously.
CAMPERS
A movie...two words...first
word...sounds like...
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S CABIN--FUTURE DAY ]
]
Wendy again gives off an uncomprehending stare. This time ]
toward Pixel meticulously painting strangely erotic tattoos ]
on a line of their cabin's girls. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Pixel gleefully answered all the
dirty questions a good counselor
would uncomfortably ignore. It was
dangerous to try and figure Pixel
out. She herself wisely never tried.
Others would.
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--PRESENT DAY
From a distance, Pixel can be discerned colorfully trotting
through the grand tableau of first day activity. Back turned
to the viewer, Wichita steps in before this image.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
As strange as Pixel may have seemed,
the camp's real wild card was
Wichita.
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--FUTURE DAY ]
]
Two groups of Campers rip on the same rope in a vicious bout ]
of tug of war. Veins-a-poppin, Adam wails at his team on ]
one side while Wichita calmly traverses next to his group. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Here was a someone who did not care
about workbookleted activities. Here
was someone who had anarchy in his
eyes. Here was someone. Period. He
played it low-key that first week...
WICHITA ]
Now. ]
]
Wichita's team immediately-giddily lets go of the rope, ]
sending Adam's "winning" team into an ugly crash. ]
EXT. THE BEACH--FUTURE DAY
Zen amidst a lake of activity, Wichita sits on the pier,
writing in a brilliantly scruffy journal.
SMOOTH NARRATOR
No one could see into Wichita's soul,
but at least it was clear that he
had one. He had an effect on
everyone, even those thought to have
no feelings...
In a canoe, being paddled by campers, Wendy looks up from ]
a her own diary (pink polka dots) to study the enigmatic ]
counselor. ]
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--PRESENT DAY
A VIEW THROUGH BINOCULARS of the Day One panorama.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
A collection of individuals separated
from regular society eventually
becomes something more than a
collection of individuals separated
from regular society. It becomes
one mammoth living organism.
Different traits of different people
feeding off and flowing into each
other--the naive and the perverse,
the brutal and the sweet, the
overconfident and the overwhelmed--
all coming together to form one
singularly special whole.
EXT. OUTSIDE OF OBERON'S OFFICE--DAY
Binoculars withdraw through venetian blinds in the window
of the office structure.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
An organism made up of 70 screaming
kids counseled by young adults at
the most fucked-up point in their
lives is a monster well worth a
glance. Welcome to Camp Bleeding
Squaw.
EXT. THE CENTER OF CAMP--DAY
A deafening whistle rattles everyone into a camp-wide flinch.
All turn to get a view of OBERON, the camp's terrifying,
fully Full Metal Jacket Camp Director, marching from his
little fortress, growling into a high-tech headset.
OBERON
Campers, welcome to Camp Bleeding
Squaw! I'm Big Chief Oberon. Fun.
I like it. You think I don't? I do.
But Fun without structure is chaos
and chaos is not fun--Now everybody
rip off their band-aid!
All shapes and sizes of campers (and counselors) reach to
their bandaged body parts and tear away with the same AAH
sound. Red, Blue, Green, and Purple dots are revealed upon
each character's skin.
OBERON
Yes! It has begun! I declare war! Color
War!--all the way to our Fortieth Day!
Welcome to the thrill of competition
and the joy of making others cry.
I want Reds here, Greens there, Blue
across from them and the Purple team
against the flagpole!
A perfect four-section-split of Counselors and Campers
swiftly surrounds the volcanic camp director.
OBERON
This new turn of events brings up
an interesting question: Who's got
more Camp pride?
With absurd reflex enthusiasm, each side screams out their
color. Red! Purple! Donald turns to Wichita.
DONALD
Something tells me he can't hear us.
OBERON
I can't he--ar you!
WICHITA
Not bad, Donald Dark.
Both sides screech out their colors even louder. Wendy, eyes
closed in a religious fervor, leads the Red side. Oberon
turns, getting off on the manic reverberations behind him.
OBERON
One more time!
There is sudden silence except for the lone shout of Wendy
bleating out "Red, red, red." Completely mystified, Oberon
and the viewer spin around to see AN EPILEPTIC GIRL having a
trembling-on-the-ground fit, unnoticed by the soulfully
shut-eyed Wendy.
WENDY
Red! Red!
(opening her eyes)
Whoopsy.
The African-American SuperCounselor silently rockets down
to hold and steady her. Everyone else just gapes.
OBERON
Haven't you people ever seen an
epileptic camper before?--
Counselors, get these Injuns into
the cabins and then onto the
Activities! Fun! Now! Move it!
Oberon clicks a mammoth stopwatch and shrieks his whistle.
EXT. CAMPFIRE--NIGHT
Camp Director Oberon's seething, whistling face slam-cuts
into the image of a roaring bonfire. Oberon's body reveals
itself around the inferno, doing a circular storyteller
stroll. Huddled and bundled, the campers have settled into
something approaching paying attention.
OBERON
But even more than the taste of
S'mores, he enjoyed the taste of
camper flesh.
THE CAMPERS
(delightedly sarcastic)
Ooooh!
A COLLECTION OF COUNSELORS
stand outside the campfire circle, waging a loudly whispered
conference, led by Wendy.
WENDY
Well, the first week of camp has
swhooshed on by and I thought this
a perfect time to finally pow-wow.
I think we should discuss--
TALIA
We need more ritalin. Can't we just
grind it into the munchkins' food?
DONALD
I'm having "Billy" problems again.
He turned today's food fight into
a fork fight.
ADAM
You have no authority. To get camper
respect, you must...
WENDY ]
Now Adam, I had a chat with one of ]
our campers--Nathan King--he seems ]
to think your methods of earning ]
respect are severe and what's more... ]
]
ADAM ]
"Nathan King"--he's the redhead, ]
right? I'll make it up to him. ]
WENDY
Instead of getting all mad at
Donald's Tasmanian Devil Billy, have
you people ever thought of getting
all glad at him-- making him feel
a part of things. The workbooklet
says...
WICHITA
Don't mean to interrupt, Wendy dear,
but isn't that the little buckaroo
eating a sandwich of communion
hosts...
ANGLE ON THE CAMPFIRE
A feral, dirty-blonde boy, BILLY, is indeed disturbingly
chomping into a sandwich piled high with communion hosts.
THE COUNSELORS
laugh, except for Wendy.
TALIA
Who wants to go tell the Anti-christ
to take a "time-out?"
WENDY
Talia, just because you happen to
be Jewish, doesn't mean you can make
fun of someone desecrating the Lord's
body...
TALIA
Yes, it does.
WICHITA ]
Don't look at me, I'm an atheist. ]
]
WENDY ]
Really? I think we should discuss... ]
]
ADAM ]
Could we please stop the petty ]
religious sniping? We have much more ]
important things to deal with--like ]
what are we going to do about that ]
fag? It's one thing if Jasper was ]
one of those Birdcage kind of homos. ]
We could laugh and make fun of him, ]
but Jasper... ]
PIXEL
The workbooklet says this is a summer
camp, not a concentration one, you
homophobic Nazi cunt.
ADAM ]
Listen hippie-chick, put yourself ]
in the place of a parent who finds ]
out their only child got AIDS by ]
drinking the camp bug juice. ]
]
EVERYONE ]
(variations on) ]
What an asshole... ]
]
DONALD ]
Besides we all got tested at the ]
Camp physical...positive is good, ]
right? ]
]
WENDY ]
Now Adam, me fearing Jasper with ]
the little boys would be like me ]
fearing you with the little girls. ]
]
PIXEL ]
Bad example. ]
]
ADAM ]
Funny. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Oh my God, wait, Adam's right, look ]
at that sick son-of-a-bitch... ]
BY THE CAMPFIRE
Jasper is patting a coughing camper on the back, handing ]
him water. Oberon cuts before the image, getting very spooky. ]
OBERON
...and on Parent's Day, the campers
rushed from their cabins to see the
corpses of their slaughtered parents
nailed to the picnic tables...
THE CAMPERS
(weakening)
Oooh.
WENDY
is scribbling shorthand on her hand, fielding a barrage of
counselor complaints.
WENDY
Okay, okay, just don't everyone talk
at once...First of all, little Jason
has a learning disability...
DONALD
Yeah, his lack of intelligence.
Sorry, Wendy, but as learning
disabilities go, stupidity is often
overlooked.
TALIA ]
Which Jason are we talking about? ]
Jason W., Jason T., Jason T. Two? ]
]
PIXEL ]
I got a letter from Grace Pool's ]
parents telling me that they're going ]
to be too busy to write her any letters. ]
]
TALIA ]
Jason, Jared, Justin, Jacob, Jesse, ]
Jaime, Jeremy, Jeffrey, Josh--Jesus ]
Christ, this J shit has gotta stop. ]
]
WENDY ]
(scribbling hand) ]
I have a sample of Grace's parents' ]
handwriting on file. I'll forge ]
something up...Adam, I tracked down ]
that special soap for Troy. ]
WICHITA
Wendy, I think as a counselor, you
suck.
WENDY
What did you...
ADAM
That's cold, man.
WICHITA
Next to "boring," "Sucks" is the
most painfully overused word in the
current English language. I thought
if I could reverse the meaning of
"sucks" so it means something
positive, I don't know...It would
be vaguely revolutionary. It's kind
of my social experiment for the
summer. "Suck" is historically a
nice word-- sno-cones, your
mother's...
WENDY ]
(strangely smitten) ]
So that's one of the pearls from ]
your mysterious journal? And all this ]
time I thought you were restructuring ]
the world's economy. ]
PIXEL
(looking off)
Ugh, is anybody paying attention
to what Big Chief Oberon is saying...
BY THE CAMPFIRE
Oberon glowers over the now-completely-traumatized campers.
OBERON
And as the stench of complete and
utter death rose above the camp,
the birdies began to choke and drop
from the...
WENDY
(rushing in)
He-ey, what happened to the fire
while I was gone? I think we need
some kindling, campers, and pronto!
On cue, a tide of children spill forward to fling their twigs ]
into the already too-frightening fire. Donald rips open a ]
bag of marshmallows and pokes them on to his campers' twigs. ]
]
A MOVING OFF CAMPER ]
Thanks, Retarded Marshmallow Head. ]
]
DONALD ]
You're welcome...Hey, what did you ]
just call me...Who told...Hey! ]
Turning from the youngsters, Wendy incongruously loses her
smile, staring down to her hand's insane shorthand. One can
almost feel the buzzing in her brain. Suddenly, a marshmallow
she is lazily roasting bursts into flame. She quickly blows
it out...then slowly, spookily squeezes the burnt marshmallow
into her scribbled hand, taking the pain.
Wichita scans to this strange image. He quickly snatches
up a blanket and a canteen. He bounds to Wendy and swathes
her paw as they speak.
WICHITA
What in the hell did you do that for?
WENDY
("I don't know" shrug)
I-unno...Don't worry, I had
everything on the hand memorized.
WICHITA
That's not what I was worried about.
On the other side of the campfire, Talia squints the flames
to see Wichita comforting Wendy. She gulps.
INT. MAIN BATHROOM AREA--NIGHT
Talia and Pixel are leaned against a sink as girls giddily
slide about them ostensibly washing up.
TALIA
Are we allowed to start hating
"Wendy" yet..."Gee Wichita, I guess
mosquitoes have always liked me."
PIXEL
You and Wichita go to school
together, right? Have you two ever...
TALIA
That would be a No.
PIXEL
That wants to be a Yes.
Talia gives off a "You got me" snort/laugh as the campers
finish up and fall into line.
TALIA
I don't know what I'm doing. I know
he only likes me as a friend. He's
just so...everything--I know he only
likes me as a--but it came up that
he used to be a camp counselor and
I used to be a camp counselor...
PIXEL
Get him alone for the summer. Out
in the wilderness. Underneath the
stars...
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM--NIGHT
Leading the campers from the bathroom, Talia and Pixel swing
their flashlights to an EVER-LOVELORN CAMPER GIRL, AMBER,
and a CUTE CAMPER BOY kissing at the edge of the woods. They
break off and run away. The counselors are at a loss as the
other campers "ooh."
TALIA
Am-ber! Uh...don't do that.
PIXEL
"or you're going to get it?" Wow,
first week of camp. Promise me you
won't try moving so fast with
Wichita.
TALIA
Don't worry, I have 33 more days
to find just the perfect moment to
tell him how I...
INT. THE MESS HALL--NIGHT
A seemingly unnoticed SOBBING GIRL sits beside Wichita and
an unraveling Talia in the completely empty cafeteria.
TALIA
...and it hurts too much to keep
these feelings inside me any
longer...
WICHITA
Talia, you know how important our
friendship is to me and I would
never do anything to...
TALIA
"...how important our friendship..."
Not that old--Oh God, what have I
done?
WICHITA
Talia, you're a wonderful person...
TALIA
Stop, stop, what was I thinking...out
in the wilderness. Under the stars.
I've ruined every--
WICHITA
I just never thought of you in that...
TALIA
I gotta...I gotta go do a "bunk
check." Or some fucking thing.
Talia bolts off, holding in a nervous breakdown. Wichita
heavily sighs, then looks down to the sobbing girl seemingly
for the first time.
WICHITA
I'm sorry, honey, I completely forgot
why you're crying...
SOBBING GIRL
Because BLUBBERING GIBBERISH.
WICHITA
Uh, I see. Gum?
Wichita produces from his pocket a pack of gum. Instantly
unweeping, the girl takes the goods and wraps her arms around
Wichita's neck. He carries her off.
INT. ADAM'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
Adam and a select group of his Cabin Boys look upon a ]
sleeping RED-HAlRED CAMPER BOY, dozing upon a top bunk, in ]
pajamas marked NATHAN. ]
]
ADAM ]
Nathan King, the redhead tattletale. ]
Headlights. ]
]
Adam snaps his finger. One Senior Boy clambers up and ]
straddles over Nathan, holding two unlit flashlights. ]
Conductor Adam points at Noisemaking Twins, who make a low, ]
rumbling truck noise. Adam cues some others to begin slowly ]
shaking the bed. ]
]
The truck noise gets louder. The bed quakes. Red-haired ]
victim Nathan stirs. Adam cues the Straddling kid, who turns ]
on both flashlights. ]
]
Nathan's point of view of the lit flashlights, along with ]
the truck noise and the shaking, makes it appear he's about ]
to be hit by the headlights of an oncoming diesel. Nathan ]
shrieks. ]
EXT. CENTER OF THE CAMP--THE NEXT DAY
An echo of the screams die over the image of Wendy warbling
a delightful camp tune as she tugs up a flag with the number
8 on it to the top of the pole.
EXT. BY THE LAKE--DAY
Wichita and Adam are jogging-fierce by the lake.
ADAM
Can't you just give her a violent
ugly fuck so she won't bother you
anymore...
WICHITA
Talia is one of my best friends,
Adam, but you know, thanks for
voting...
Wichita and Adam immediately brake to see Pixel do a skinny-
dip dive off the pier. They deadpan blink until, out of a
loudspeaker on a nearby tree, the shrill sound of revelry
fills the air. Pixel cuts off her mermaid-cavorting and the
guys hit the dirt.
ADAM
Talk about flipping the script. That
creepy, bitchy waif in actuality
is a hot, sexy, little piece of...
INT. OBERON'S OFFICE--DAY
Oberon punches a cassette player button comically cutting
off the revelry right in the middle. He snarls into his head-
set, making a commandant pace of his pristine office with
its guidebookshelf and its huge cardboard timetable display.
OBERON
Rise! Shine! Now! Are you ready for
Week 2? The timetables are going to
get tighter and the war is going
to get tougher. At Camp Bleeding
Squaw, Immaturity is not an option.
Mess Hall. Nine minutes. Move it!
INT. THE MESS HALL--DAY
The entire camp is belting out a Song in somewhat chilling
unison, clapping hands and stomping feet. They are being
commandeered by Wendy, who stands on a chair at the front
of the cafeteria.
THE CAMP AND NOTABLY WENDY
Mama don't want no handclapping round
here...Mama, don't want any foot-
stomping round here!
Talia vibrates in hangovered terror at all the varied noise.
Finishing up, Wendy, whooping everyone up into a round of ]
self-congratulatory applause, bends to a table of young ]
camper girls and points to Talia. ]
]
WENDY ]
What do we say to Talia, everyone? ]
]
EVERYONE AT TABLE ]
Howdy Pouty! ]
]
WENDY ]
That's what we say to people who pout! ]
]
With a shudder, Talia bolts away...past Wichita's table. ]
]
He gulps as she blasts out the mess hall door. Wichita then ]
sighs forward to take in some painful blubbering from "Don't ]
touch me" Todd. ]
]
DON'T TOUCH ME TODD ]
And then those Twins touched me! Twice ]
each! You're supposed to protect me! ]
It's your job! ]
]
WICHITA ]
Yes, Todd. ]
]
Across from Wichita, Jasper holds in a laugh. ]
Behind Jasper, Pixel marches to her table of girls; all are
wearing crazed, homemade, Tie-die shirts. As she sits, Pixel
notices Adam moving through the cafeteria, smittenly staring
at her. He grins and waves. With complete confusion, Pixel
counters with a dazed wave back to her despised nemesis.
ADAM ]
]
turns from Pixel and reaches his table, going back into ]
brutal counselor mode. ]
]
ADAM ]
Freeze! ]
]
Everyone at his table turns immediately into statues. One ]
Boy breaks to scratch his nose. The others joyously unstiffen ]
to pound the loser's arm. ]
OBERON
bulldozes into the Mess Hall, piercing a whistle through
his megaphone head-set. Everyone straightens into Triumph-
of-the-Will symmetry. Oberon does an Indian hand-raise.
OBERON
How, campers...
EVERYONE
(in fear)
How, Big Chief Oberon...
OBERON
Better. You're getting better.
Inspection results. Cabin Four. Dead
fly. 24 hour Playstation
confiscation.
Donald's cabin moans.
OBERON
And it looks like Cabin One has a
bedwetter. I don't want to embarrass
anyone but his initials are Ted
Jackson.
Adam's table roars in vicious glee at an unsmiling older
camper, BEDWETTER TED, sitting among them. Revealing a
flicker of actual feeling, Adam acts swiftly.
ADAM ]
Freeze. ]
]
The boys cut off their teasing to become statues. One Boy ]
is pouring juice, remaining motionless. It overflows. ]
OBERON
bounds atop the chair at the front of the cafeteria. Wendy
hefts the cardboard-timetable-easel display behind him and
begins pointing to it in precious Carol Merrill fashion.
OBERON
Thank you, Wendy. Listen up! Red and
blue teams will report to the archery
range for...
BY WICHITA'S TABLE ]
]
Wichita, Jasper, and Donald have vaguely clumped their chairs ]
together to take in the Oberon/Wendy show. ]
]
JASPER ]
Who's more terrifying? Big Chief ]
Oberon or Little Wendy? ]
]
DONALD ]
(sudden reverie) ]
Oh, come on, Wendy is...she's, she's ]
a ray of sunshine... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Yeah, don't look directly at it or ]
you'll go blind...Honestly though, ]
I'd like to think nobody's seen the ]
real Wendy yet. Including Wendy. ]
]
DONALD AND JASPER ]
Oooh... ]
Behind the counselors, with suspicious flippancy, the boys
of Wichita's cabin strike up a conversation indirectly
directed at Todd.
WICHITA BOY ONE (ERIC)
Dude, how many times have you had
sex with your mother?
WICHITA BOY TWO (STANLEY)
Gee, lots of times. Nothing beats
having sex with your own Mom. Right,
Todd?
TODD
(hopelessly confused)
Uh, I don't...I never..I never had
sex with...Never.
WICHITA BOY ONE (ERIC) ]
Figures. Can you believe that? Todd's ]
never had sex with his mother.... ]
]
Biting their lips to keep from cracking up, the Wichita cabin ]
boys shake their heads in mock-disappointment. The head- ]
setted Oberon swings before the table to wail directly at ]
the viewer. ]
]
OBERON ]
Headbands! Now! Move it! ]
]
The entire camp, in military unison, put on alternately ]
colored headbands, then march toward the exits. ]
EXT. IMAGES AROUND THE ARCHERY RANGE--DAY ]
]
A nightmarish blast of images from the same location. In ]
operatic slow-motion, a line of campers/players crash to ]
the ground in a brutal sack race. ]
]
A DARLING RED TEAM GIRL viciously clotheslines a DARLING ]
GREEN TEAM GIRL to the ground. ]
]
Talia tries to tie the legs of a crying boy camper and a ]
crying girl camper together for a three-legged race. ]
]
With a deftly extended leg, Adam non-chalantly trips a ]
dashing PLAYER OF ANOTHER COLOR into a vivid crash. ]
]
Donald awkwardly changes the numbers on a humungous, ]
hilariously complicated homemade scoreboard. ]
]
A blast of camper-boys hustle side-by-side holding out ]
perforated cups spewing streams of water. ]
AT THE FINISH LINE OF THE HOLE-IN-THE-CUP RACE ]
]
The counselors are lazily huddled, barely noticing the ]
gasping campers barreling right at them. Wichita opens his ]
mouth to speak to Talia, but she violently turns away toward ]
the race. Wichita turns to his side to Wendy, who opens ]
her mouth to speak...just as an ALL-AMERICAN GOLDEN BOY, ]
RYAN, crosses the finish line before them. ]
]
RYAN THE ALL-AMERICAN BOY ]
I did it! Did you see that Wendy! First ]
place in the hole-in-the-cup race! ]
]
WENDY ]
That's really nifty, Ryan, but ]
remember winning is not what it's ]
all about. The main thing is to have ]
fun with friends and... ]
]
ADAM ]
(slapping Ryan's back) ]
Wendy, are you insane? He won! You ]
don't have to say "Winning isn't ]
everything" to someone who just won! ]
]
Wichita, tongue-in-cheek tough, confronts the Wichita-like ]
camper ERIC, who is tossing his cup away. ]
]
WICHITA ]
No water left? Damn you to hell. You ]
let down the blue team! ]
]
ERIC ]
(comforted chuckle) ]
I figure a certain number of good ]
things happen to you in your life. ]
I don't want to waste one on a hole- ]
in-the-cup race. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Eric, the day you stop taking all ]
that Nike-Highfive-Gatorade bullshit ]
seriously is a very good day ]
indeed... ]
]
OBERON ]
Rewind. The day you stop caring about ]
Victory is the day you've lost ]
forever. Why do you think little ]
Johnny here came to camp in the first ]
place! To Go For It! To clench his ]
fist and say "Yes!" ]
]
During Oberon's rant, A DEER WALKS ACROSS THE B.G., ]
SHAMEFULLY UNNOTICED. ]
]
WICHITA ]
His name's Eric. ]
]
ADAM ]
No wonder blue team is mired in ]
fourth place. You got no leadership ]
skills, Wichita. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(dry) ]
You take that back. ]
]
WENDY ]
My God, everything is just... ]
]
WICHITA ]
"one big joke to you, isn't it?" ]
Not everything, Wendy. ]
]
Wendy quivers. Oberon shakes his head and flicks on his ]
megaphone/headset. ]
OBERON
Okay injuns, our next event is...
Wichita friskily swipes the headset and barks a new ending
to Oberon's sentence.
WICHITA
"has been canceled!" Finally your
first hour of free time! I don't know
about you, but I'm hitting the beach!
The campers instantly rejoice: squealing, hopping, dancing.
Oberon rips back the headset with a seethe. ]
]
OBERON ]
You touched the head-set. Nobody ]
touches the head-set. You touched ]
the head-set. Nobody... ]
]
WICHITA ]
With all due respect, Big Chief, ]
a breath--the camp needs to catch ]
one. Give us an hour. 59 minutes. ]
]
WENDY ]
He's talking crazy, sir. If we cancel ]
the round-robin tetherball ]
tournament, it will completely throw ]
off tomorrow's chart. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Gosh, I never looked at it that way. ]
Go ahead, "sir," tell the kids that ]
every moment of their summer has ]
to come straight out of a cheesy ]
workbooklet. ]
Oberon looks out to the delirious mass of unshackled boys
and girls. Something deep inside him is touched.
OBERON ]
Fine. Enjoy your precious moment ]
of freedom from my evil tyranny. ]
Maybe we'll all learn something. ]
Oh, and if you touch my headset ]
again, I'll kill you then I'll fire ]
you. ]
(into head-set) ]
You heard Wichita! Relax! Now! ]
EXT. THE BEACH--DAY
Another grand glide is made across the camp's lake to the
beach waterfront area--now packed with uncharacteristically
casual and downright happy kids. Bloodbrothering. Sunbathing.
Sandcastle building. Playing Gameboys on motionless canoes.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
59 minutes of free time. It seemed
like such a small concession, yet
it was the official end of one summer
camp and the beginning of another.
The viewer drifts to the end of the beach where a surly ]
Talia, in backpacking gear, is leading a co-ed pack of would- ]
be adventurers. Dripping wet in an unintentionally sexy ]
bikini, Wendy rushes up to Talia, who resists snapping her ]
neck. ]
]
WENDY ]
Talia, I found Sheila the Sleepwalker's ]
insulin. ]
]
TALIA ]
Our hero. Sheila! ]
]
Talia flips the insulin over her head. Sheila, the ]
Sleepwalker, breaks from the pack to make a bobbling catch. ]
Wendy does a hurt cringe as Talia and the hikers move ahead. ]
]
TWO FEMALE BEST FRIENDS bring up the rear, arms lobbed over ]
each other, laughing away at some shared secret joke. ]
]
VANESSA ]
You are...bi-itch! ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Uh-uhh...bi-i-itch! ]
]
The girls scan Wendy rejoining a beatific block of languid ]
sunbathers. Being the more Tomboyesque of the two, HAYLEY's ]
look is one of disparagement while the more prettified ]
VANESSA has a look of longing. ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Gawd Vanessa, can you believe those ]
bimbettes missing out on a hike to ]
do some clichedly-cancerous activity ]
they could do in their own ]
backyard... ]
]
VANESSA ]
(half-hearted) ]
Yeah. Can you believe that? ]
THE BLOCK OF SUNBATHERS ]
]
Wendy is bending to the earlier-seen-kissing-in-the-woods ]
Amber, who is now miserably boo-hooing. ]
]
WENDY ]
But Amber, you barely knew this boy ]
a week... ]
]
AMBER ]
But Jared was so cu-ute and I loved ]
him...so...much! ]
THE PIER
Adam at his side, Oberon glares to Wendy's bent-over
cleavage, then flinches over to Pixel adjusting her bathing
suit bottom before diving.
OBERON
Coed camps--Anarchy by definition.
I mean, look at these twitching
heinies...If you stop channeling
this sick energy, even for a second,
the fluids build up, the generators
start to rumble and...
ADAM
Sir, I think we have a bigger problem
with Jasper at the end of the pier.
Rhymes with "Big Homo."
AT THE END OF THE PIER ]
]
Jasper is cannonballing an eager assembly line of Waterlogged ]
Boys and Girls. There are two sensitive lads that will be ]
part of Jasper's arc--CALEB is a boy from harsh upbringing ]
who responds to Jasper's sensitivity while ANDREW seems to ]
like Jasper in a crush sense. ]
]
CALEB ]
That was a good one! You know, you're ]
not an asshole like other counselors ]
and like--My Father likes to throw ]
me in our pool without warning me. ]
]
JASPER ]
Oh, really, Caleb?--Warning! ]
]
With good-natured lightning speed, Jasper sends Caleb ]
joyfully flying into the drink as Andrew comes shivering ]
up out. Jasper touches to happy-go-lucky Andrew's blue lip. ]
]
JASPER ]
That's enough for you, Andrew. You're ]
like legally drowned. Take a rest. ]
]
ANDREW ]
Okay, okay, whatever you say, Jasper. ]
]
Andrew pelicans back into the water. Jasper laughs. ]
THE BLOCK OF SUNBATHERS
A CRUSHING-ON-JASPER GIRL (DOROTHY) sits among the ]
sunbathers, charcoaling a pretty impressive drawing of ]
Jasper. Soaking rays nearby, Wendy peers over Dorothy's ]
shoulder. Seeing the object of her. affection, Wendy opens ]
her mouth to say something, then wisely closes it. ]
Off to the side, the familiar crew of Camper boys gape to the
sunbathing enclave. Two tanning thirteen year old Bombshellettes
dramatically flip onto their stomachs.
ERIC
Ooh--Cabin 3 babes turning over...
ERIC'S PAL STANLEY ]
Thank God my Bible Camp lost its ]
funding--Ooh, Wendy-nipple- ]
definition... ]
Wichita approaches the boys from behind, tickled by their
would-be naughtiness.
WICHITA
Take a picture, it lasts longer.
ALL-AMERICAN RYAN
Good idea, Wichita.
WICHITA
Um, that was my way of saying it's
not cool to sta-are...
Wichita cuts off to stare at Wendy stretch over to a radio.
WENDY
turns on an energy-sapping, Whitney Houstonesque ballad that
will haunt our counselors the entire summer.
WENDY
I love this song!
WICHITA
glowers toward her, not unamused.
WICHITA
I hate this song.
Wichita unzips a fanny pack at his waist and begins to tug
out a water balloon as the boys coo in excitement. He quickly
re-zips as Wendy turns to him with a look of real affection.
Wichita is affected by his effect on her. They awkwardly
wave.
BEACH PANORAMA ]
]
As the Smooth Narrator chimes in, the sunbathing girls ]
breathlessly look from waving Wendy to waving Wichita. The ]
boys surrounding Wichita do the same. A co-ed group of ]
counselors and campers halt their horseplay in the water ]
to watch the waving. ]
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some liked the cookouts, some liked
the water sports, but the one
activity everyone had an interest
in was watching the attractive and
attracted opposites of Rulemaker
Wendy and Rulebreaker Wichita. They
were becoming the heart of the
organism, pumping blood to its every
pore.
Sitting back from molding a sandcastle with Two Female
Campers, Donald also gazes to the waving couple.
DONALD
But camp has only really just begun...
SANDCASTLE GIRL #1
It's in-veta, in-never--it's just
natural. Wendy's the hottest girl
and Wichita's the smokingest guy.
SANDCASTLE GIRL #2
It's fun to watch them get together,
isn't it? It's just like a movie.
DONALD
Haven't you seen movies where the
beautiful girl realizes--"Hey, maybe
I don't have to be with the most
foxy hunk in the world, you know,
maybe that nice, caring guy, the
one the others sometimes call "nerd"--
Maybe he's the one who--"
SANDCASTLE GIRL #1 ]
Yeah, you're right, there are movies ]
like that--but those movies are ]
pretty pathetic. ]
]
SANDCASTLE GIRL #2 ]
Yeah, those movies are for people ]
to rent when they can't get a date ]
so they won't kill themselves or ]
others. ]
]
Wendy suddenly hovers, holding out sunscreen. Donald pogos. ]
]
WENDY ]
Donald, can you do my spine? ]
]
DONALD ]
Oh, uh, sure. ]
]
Donald applies the lotion with hyperventilating Jerry Lewis ]
finesse, trying desperately to appear casual. ]
]
WENDY ]
Boy, it's great to see all these ]
camper smiles, isn't it, Donald? ]
]
DONALD ]
Yeah, the water really brings the ]
little brats to life. Doesn't it, ]
little buddy? ]
Donald casually thwaps a nearby boy in the back, not
realizing it's the Seriously Troubled "Don't Touch me" Todd.
DON'T TOUCH ME TODD
You touched me! You touched me!
Wendy sighs with amused compassion as Donald tries to turn
the boy off. She pivots back to the block of sunbathers--
a water balloon whips past her right into the radio causing
it to static. The sunbathers shriek.
Wendy swerves to the sight of Wichita and the boys cackling
away. Wendy doesn't know whether to shout in anger or
amusement. A frog grib-bits at her feet. She smiles.
Wichita and the boys continue to whoop it up with intentional
gold-medal-win exaggeration. Wendy, with the Sunbathing Girls
as giggling chorus, rushes up and puts a frog down Wichita's
trunks.
Wendy races off. The boys "Whoa!" The girls "Yes!" Wichita
wrenches the beast out with an impressed chuckle. He narrows
his eyes to Wendy bounding like a doe into the woods, then
slowly looks down to the frog. He breaks into a dash.
EXT. THE FOREST--DAY
Wichita pants into the woods; the crackling bramble at his
feet and the croaking frog in his hand are the forest's only
sounds. Wichita weaves his vision tree to tree trying to
lock on to his target--he scans a blur of bikini darting
behind a cedar. He heaves forward.
An envious Donald and a coed cluster of campers have entered
into the brush, berating each other with shushing sounds.
Like one multi-legged beast, they rustle toward Wichita.
Wichita swings around a tree (with an ancient heart and
initials carved upon it) to see Wendy lying in wait against
the next tree over, seemingly unaware of Wichita's presence
behind her.
As Wichita panthers forward, Wendy bites her lip and closes
her eyes. Wichita carefully reaches out to the bikini bottom,
clenching his teeth, dangling the frog.
Catching discreet sight of this strange image, the boys and
girls slam to a gasping halt.
Talia and her hikers, from a ridge above, catch another angle
of this perverse-act-posing-as-an-all-in-good-fun-prank.
Wendy's suit is ever-so-slightly pulled back. Wendy gulps.
Wichita gulps. The frog moans as it is gently lowered into...
OBERON
What kind of nauseous fucky-fuck
ritual is this?
Almost magically appearing in the middle of the forest,
snarling through his headset, Oberon sends everyone into
trembling fear. Wichita drops the frog to the ground. It
hops away.
OBERON
Wichita...I should have known this
was going to happen! Et tu, Wendy?
And look at all of you, the giddy
witnesses! I command a complete camp
lockdown until dawn! No one is to
leave their cabin and no one is to
say one word about this incident
or the entire subject of sexuality
until I can concoct proper
punishment! Move it!
INT. WICHITA AND JASPER'S CABIN--NIGHT
Eric's short pal, Stanley, seems to be directly addressing ]
the viewer. ]
]
STANLEY, ERIC'S SHORT PAL ]
The Rebel and the Goody-good girl. ]
A tale as old as time, yet the ]
romance of Wichita and Wendy has ]
shaken this camp to its foundation. ]
Now if you want my opinion... ]
(determinedly squinting) ]
Shoot. I was supposed to fart really ]
loudly just then. ]
The rest of the campers of Wichita and Jasper's cabin are
revealed, laughing and groaning. They are all encrusted
together atop the top bunks oddly giving each other massages.
ERIC ]
Man, Stanley, shut up. Now where ]
was I? Would you rather climb a forty- ]
foot pile of boogers or swim through ]
a pool of that stuff that's in your ]
eyes when you wake up? ]
RYAN, THE ALL-AMERICAN BOY
Hey, how long do we have to keep
up this queasy massage shit?
Eric thumps Ryan on the head with a wiffle bat. ]
ERIC
Man, didn't you listen to Wichita?
If you ever want to be with a girl,
instead of just talking about it,
Massage ability is key.
STANLEY, ERIC'S SHORT PAL
This sucks.
ERIC
Thanks, I know. Wichita says that
everyone cool knows that "sucks"
is a good word now.
RYAN, THE ALL-AMERICAN BOY
All right, all right--just because
you're Wichita's favorite, doesn't
mean you have to be such a drag.
ERIC ]
(not-so-secretly pleased) ]
I'm not Wichita's favorite..am I? ]
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
A BLINDFOLDED GIRL holds up her hand to an assembly line ]
of Intermediate Cabinmates to glug down a glass of water. ]
]
BLINDFOLD GIRL ]
Getting gang-banged is exhausting. ]
Next. ]
]
Ritualistically one by one, the girls clumsily mount the ]
Blindfold Girl and briefly simulate missionary position sex. ]
]
GANG BANG GIRL ONE ]
Hey there, it's me, Leonardo ]
DiCaprio. ]
]
BLINDFOLD GIRL ]
Thanks, Leo. ]
]
GANG BANG GIRL TWO ]
I'm Hansen. ]
]
BLINDFOLD GIRL ]
All three? ]
]
GANG BANG GIRL TWO ]
Don't worry, it's just Taylor, baby. ]
]
GANG BANG GIRL THREE ]
I'm Will Smith. You're the bomb. ]
]
GANG BANG GIRL FOUR ]
And I'm Gabriel Byrne. ]
]
BLINDFOLD GIRL ]
Who? Next. ]
]
GANG BANG GIRL FIVE ]
I'm Todd! Touch me! Touch me! ]
]
The Blindfold Girl giddily tries to squirm away. ]
EXT. PORCH OUTSIDE OF ADAM'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
Various surly Boys of the older cabin hang out on the porch. ]
]
TRUTH OR DARE PLAYER ONE ]
Truth. ]
]
TRUTH OR DARE PLAYER TWO ]
Have you ever seen a naked female ]
with a fully grown patch down there? ]
]
TRUTH OR DARE PLAYER ONE ]
Uh, no. Not really. ]
]
TRUTH OR DARE PLAYER TWO ]
That's it! From now on, we're only ]
doing Dares. We're too young to have ]
good truths. Somebody get the shaving ]
cream... ]
INT. TALIA'S CABIN--NIGHT
The older girls, including our beloved tomboyesque Hayley,
sit around trying to out-tough-talk each other.
A SMOKING AMBER, THE LOVELORN GIRL
And that's the real reason they call
it "doggie style."
HAYLEY
That's Bullshit. I think.
On the top bunks, finding such chatter unpleasant, Vanessa
waves away the cigarette smoke and turns with a sigh. The
Bombshellettes are combing each other's hair.
BOMBSHELLETTE ONE ]
We were just talking about you... ]
]
VANESSA ]
(a little defensive) ]
Why? ]
]
BOMBSHELLETTE TWO ]
You remind us of the girl in that ]
video, the one with the unicorn. ]
]
VANESSA ]
Really? ]
]
HAYLEY (O.S.) ]
All right, I have another question... ]
INT. WICHITA AND JASPER'S QUARTERS--NIGHT
The notable male counselors--Wichita, Donald, Adam, and a
BIG STONER LUG partake in bad substances and bad talk.
WICHITA
Pamela Anderson, Kate Moss, Halle
Berry, and Fiona Apple, all naked
in one room. You can do anything
you want to them, except one of them
has full-blown Aids, and you don't
know who. And you're not allowed
to use a condom.
DONALD
Call me conservative, but I'd rub
my penis on the faces of all the
ladies before bestowing the final
honors to the divine Ms. Berry's
lovely visage.
WICHITA
Yowza--Only a virgin could answer
that fast.
DONALD
I'm not really a--Does it count if...
ADAM
You either have or you haven't. It's
pass/fail, Daffy.
BIG DRUNKEN STONER LUG
It's okay, Donald Dark dude, I'm
waiting until I find the right girl,
myself...
ADAM
"The right girl?" I thought we were
talking about sex. Pardon my French,
the right girl means one avec a
pussy. Guys are different. You know
how a girl feels like a whore if
the guy's only in it for the poon.
What women fail to understand is
that a man feels equally ashamed
if the relationship is based on just
talking and sharing feelings.
DONALD
Do you realize if the women of
America would have just heard what
you said...
WICHITA
(Groucho)
They wouldn't be a bit surprised..
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S CABIN--NIGHT
Having crossed the Rubicon of sobriety, the female counselors
swagger about the cabin acting like males. They have each
put something in their pants to create bulges.
PIXEL
You know what da problem with women
is? They're all bitches.
THE OTHER GIRLS
Fu-uck yes...
TALIA
You know what I hate; a woman says
yes to going out to dinner wich-you,
right? Orders chips and salsa and
appetizers and shit. Then on the
way home when you whip it out, she
gets all...
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPER-COUNSELOR
I like big-ass titties!
TALIA
Man, why you dissin' me with your
non-sequitur bullshit.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPER-COUNSELOR
Sorry G. Now I ain't going down on
no woman. Belly button low as I go.
PIXEL
But dude, dude, dude, the babes go
crazy for dat shit. Especially when
you're just wiggling your tongue
all around, having no idea what
you're doing, without a single clue
about a woman's body...
The girls laugh uncontrollably (except for a just-smiling
Wendy). A banana falls out of Talia's shorts.
TALIA
Man asswipe, you made my enormous cock
fall off...
WENDY
(trying a little hard)
I don't know about you dickweeds,
but I gotta go take a nice, long
juicy dump.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPER-COUNSELOR
(breaking gender)
Wendy, men aren't that disgusting!
INT. WICHITA AND JASPER'S CABIN--NIGHT
Donald makes a triumphant re-entry into the cabin to lounge
upon Jasper's bed.
DONALD
That was one of the five great shits
of my life. You know, when you start
off with incredible resistance, then
pow, two, neat packages that you
barely have to wipe. I need a hug.
BIG STONER LUG
Man, I had a Grande yesterday. I
didn't know whether to flush it or
put it through college.
Finishing a patrol, Jasper huffs into the room, setting down
his flashlight. There is a moment of awkwardness. Donald
a-little-too-quickly bounds up from Jasper's bed.
JASPER
Oh God...that's it? I'm "the gay guy."
Every time I walk into a room,
everyone is going to...
ADAM
Hey, nobody asked you to be a
homosexual. You can't complain about
being treated gay when you are gay.
While we're on the subject, do you
have your Camp physical results?
JASPER
The only toxic asshole in this cabin
is you...Wichita, Wichita, why are
you hanging around with us clowns,
when you know you how badly Wendy
wants to be your wonderwall...
BIG DRUNKEN STONER LOG
The gay guy--I mean, Jasper's right.
You and Wendy bring out the romantic
in all of us.
WICHITA
(post-Stoner burp)
Gee guy, coming from you,
that's..disturbing. Wendy and
I...come on. I believe in nothing.
She believes in everything. I listen
to Reznor, she listens to Barney.
I watch...
DONALD
(a little sullen)
Man, you're doth protesting way too
much. Admit you want her.
ADAM
In case you haven't noticed, the
entire camp is in quarantine because
of you two. Now instead of slipping
in a frog...
WICHITA
Listen you Vikings, Wendy's still
very young and inexperienced and
I have to respect...
ADAM
If no one had sex with a girl because
she was a virgin--you know where
I'm going with this.
JASPER
You are to be executed at Dawn
anyway. Might as well commit the
crime. Go to her, Wichita...
WICHITA
You're all making me blush...
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S QUARTERS--NIGHT
The viewer pulls away from Wendy's incredibly reddening face
as Pixel and the others go into their own tease-fest. Talia
makes a sad, UNNOTICED EXIT out the door.
WENDY
Me and Wichita? Don't be ridiculous.
That guy thinks he's so "alternative"
with all his brooding and his...He's
hardly uninteresting, but...
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPER-COUNSELOR
Oh Wendy, the transparent bickering,
the lingering glances...
PIXEL ]
That fucking frog. Before revelry, ]
I want something to actually happen ]
tonight. It's important we don't ]
cower to Oberon's bullshit decree. ]
]
AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMPETENT COUNSELOR ]
Bring the decaf. You're both coffee ]
freaks, so he'll think you're God. ]
Pixel pulls Wendy up and paws through her hair. The Super-
Counselor puts a thermos in her hand.
PIXEL
Wendy, don't be afraid to get a
little stupid and contagious. The
kids don't understand that this is
our summer, too. We shouldn't have
to put our lives on hold to be their
butlers.
WENDY
I just don't know about this whole
actual sexuality thing--How do you
go from being friends with a guy
to wanting to put the thing he uses
to go to the bathroom with in your
mouth?
YOUNG GIRLS BEHIND THE DOOR ]
Eeuuhwhh! ]
Pixel suddenly wrenches the door separating the counselor
quarters from the rest of the cabin, a cabal of eavesdropping
girls come toppling out.
INT. WICHITA AND JASPER'S QUARTERS--NIGHT
A tangle of boys are sprawled on the ground. Wichita is
holding the door open. All the boys, except a tugged-up-by-
Wichita Eric make a break for it.
WICHITA
Eavesdropping, eh? Hear anything good?
ERIC
(adorably cocky)
Man, it's not like I don't know about
women. I had this babysitter...
ADAM
Eric. You ever have a woman's pussy
wrapped completely around your head?
ERIC
(disturbed by question)
Uh...no.
ADAM
What were you, a butthole baby!
Adam, and even unfortunately Donald and Jasper erupt into
cackles. Eric manages a pained stranger-in-a-strange-land
smile. Wichita gives him a pat, motioning to the "men".
WICHITA
Eric, if you ever find yourself
evolving into that, please jump off
the Fremont Bridge. Now get to bed--
all you boys.
EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE BOYS CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
Wichita steps from the boys cabin with a pleasant exhale. ]
Down the porch from him, Stoner Lug and a Camper stand side- ]
by-side, throwing up over the rail. ]
]
VOMITING DRUNKEN STONER LUG ]
Tequila. ]
]
VOMITING CAMPER ]
Gummi bears. ]
]
The Gentle Giant counselor places his palm on the camper's ]
back as they both drop below frame for more retching. ]
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GIRLS CABINS--NIGHT
Wendy tentatively walks right at the viewer. She is revealed
to be heading toward the top of the stairs.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BOYS CABINS--NIGHT
Wichita confidently walks right at the viewer. He is revealed
to be heading toward the bottom of the stairs.
ON THE STAIRS
Wichita and Wendy face-to-face in the middle of the
staircase, letting out a drama-deflating laugh.
WENDY
Hey.
WICHITA
Hey--that coffee? You're a goddess.
Gimme, gimme...So what you gals talk
about?
They pass the thermos cup/cap back and forth.
WENDY
Oh you know, Bosnia, the importance
of the right to vote...
WICHITA
Yeah, we talked about sex, too.
Oberon must be sweating in his sleep.
WENDY
(post-sheepish laughter)
We had fun. I even got along with
Talia-- for about three minutes.
I don't know why she hates me so
much...
WICHITA
(romantically)
Yes you do.
WENDY
(romanced)
Yeah. I guess I do.
WICHITA
Talia's a rock. She'll be fine...
INT. MESS HALL--NIGHT
Talia sifts through a table of mail, some of it already
shredded open. She weighs a package in her hand, then rips
it. She depressingly devours the brownies inside.
EXT. THE STAIRS--NIGHT
Wichita and Wendy are quite cozily seated side-by-side in
the middle of the staircase.
WENDY
Ann Taylor would have paid a lot
more, but I wouldn't trade this
experience for the world. Sometimes
the first time you understand
anything is when you have to explain
it to someone younger-- You think
I'm a big dork don't you?
WICHITA
I think your passion is terrific.
WENDY
I think your condescension is even
better.
Wichita cackles, further nestling against Wendy. They take
each other's hand.
WICHITA
We have more in common than you
think, Wendy dear. I loved summer
camp when I was young and I love
it now. It's important. Between
school, family, friends, pot,
playstations, basic cable, and the
goddamn Internet, it's possible to
go your whole life without listening
to your soul. Out here, in nature,
away from the shit, surrounded by
reminders of who I once was...I get
recharged. Now who's the dork?
WENDY
Gosh, this is really a great
conversation--I can't believe I said
that out loud.
WICHITA
You know, this reminds me of the
time we were talking about something
and then just started kissing...
Wichita and Wendy melt into each other and begin kissing,
softly-softly, then deeply-deeply.
INT. OBERON'S OFFICE--NIGHT
Oberon suddenly awakens. He bounces up from a cot in his
pristine office and begins violently sniffing.
EXT. THE STAIRS BETWEEN THE CABINS--NIGHT
Wendy and Wichita lie back on the landing in the middle of
the staircase, going into a full-on, side-to-side make-out
session. Wichita's hand begins a smooth ascent beneath
Wendy's shirt. Wendy breaks off.
WENDY
Do you really not believe in God?
WICHITA
It's okay, there's a lot of things
I don't believe in...
Definitely not in conversation mode, Wichita burrows back
into Wendy but she winds away again.
WENDY
What else don't you believe in?
WICHITA
Talking while kissing.
Thinking he has suavely defused the situation, Wichita swoops
yet again. Alas, Wendy grimly sits all the way up.
WENDY ]
Sometimes I think you're just into ]
nihilism for nihilism's sake. ]
]
WICHITA ]
That's the point of nihilism; you ]
know, what other sake is there? You're ]
not laughing. ]
]
Wichita exhales through his teeth and rises all the way up ]
to look out into the night. He turns to Wendy. ]
]
WICHITA ]
I don't believe in organized ]
religion, organized school, and ]
organized summer camp. I don't ]
believe cigarette advertisements ]
have ever caused a single teenager ]
to take up smoking. Premature death ]
sells itself. I find Catcher in the ]
Rye a bit whiny, and much prefer ]
Franny and Zooey... ]
]
WENDY ]
When you say you don't believe in ]
organized summer camp... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Timetables. Workbooklets. Minus four ]
for the blue team... ]
]
Not used to such combat, Wendy wobbles to her legs. ]
]
WENDY ]
I'll agree to a degree of ]
overregimentation here at Bleeding ]
Squaw, but kids need to be guided ]
through well-established rituals ]
of teamwork and verbal reinforcement. ]
]
WICHITA ]
That is one frightening sentence. ]
]
WENDY ]
Please, that's the way summer camp ]
has worked for years. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Please, that's the way summer camp ]
has not worked for years. The old ]
coming-of-age rituals are just ]
so...expired. You think you can just ]
throw an arm around these kids' ]
shoulders and say, "I know how you ]
feel. Life is kind of tough. All ]
that I ask is that you be the best ]
you can be." How do you tell my ]
tubby, whiny loser Todd to be the ]
best you can be, when the best he can ]
be is probably pretty shitty. Wendy, ]
you're an idealist and that's ]
wonderful, but an idealist without ]
reality is like a great dancer ]
without legs. ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh. ]
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CABINS--NIGHT ]
]
Prowling before the cabins, a glowering Oberon bangs ]
batteries into a powerful flashlight and thunders it on. ]
INT. ADAM'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
With a grin, Adam watches Oberon rumble past the window. ]
]
ADAM ]
Wichita, you are so dead... ]
]
Losing his smile, Adam sits down and nudges a sleeping ]
Bedwetter Ted awake with his boot. ]
]
ADAM ]
Sorry about waking you, Ted...but ]
changing your sleep patterns is key ]
to avoiding...your problem. Or so ]
I've read. It takes time, but I know ]
you can do it. ]
EXT. BACK ON THE STEPS--NIGHT
Completely uncozy, Wichita and Wendy sit stiffly upright
on the staircase landing, an endless space between them.
WICHITA
So this is it, anybody you don't
agree about everything with can't
be your friend...
WENDY
(Wendyesque shrug)
Iunno.
WICHITA
"Iunno." I'm really beginning to
hate that word of yours. I'm sorry
for sounding hostile, but I'm not
sorry for...
WENDY
Don't be. Don't be sorry for your
thoughts. They make me...react. I
don't know...all I know is that I
can't go through another summer
where I almost did something.
WICHITA ]
What does that mean? ]
]
WENDY ]
It means you have another opening, ]
Slick. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(comic mock-panic) ]
Um, ugh, everything about you is ]
refreshing and the kids love ]
you...Shit, um, your eyes are like ]
sapphires on a moonlit desert and... ]
]
WENDY ]
(laughing) ]
Okay, okay... ]
Wendy and Wichita outstretch their bodies and delicately
crane their necks for a kiss...when suddenly, before they
connect, it begins to rain. Wichita snorts a smile.
WICHITA ]
Wow, your God really doesn't want ]
us to happen. ]
]
WENDY ]
Yeah, well, too bad for him... ]
]
In a clumsy attempt at passion that comes across as even ]
more passionate because of its clumsiness, a rising Wendy ]
struggles off her shirt. Wichita effortlessly peels off his ]
and also stands. They crush into each other's arms and each ]
other's lips, waltzing off the side of the staircase, ]
disappearing into the darkness of the forest. ]
EXT. THE WOODS--NIGHT
Oberon blusters forward through the wet wilderness, the rain
inflaming-rather-than-dampening his adrenaline.
OBERON
I'm not against the occasional camp
romance, but...I can feel
it...Nocturnal Activities. Little
rapists and their little whores...Who
goes there?
He raises his mighty flashlight to...Sheila, the Sleepwalker
in the middle of another eerie somnambulistic trek. Oberon
sighs, then readjusts his beam...as the Sleepwalker
shockingly/obliviously drifts by Wichita and Wendy clawing
each other on the forest floor.
Oberon blinks. Oberon howls. Oberon gets hit by lightning.
FADE TO BLACK
Over black, revelry is heard.
INT. OBERON'S OFFICE--DAY
A painted fingernail presses off the familiar revelry tape.
Wendy is revealed to be situated in Oberon's office, wearing
his head-set. Her enthusiasm seems a bit forced.
WENDY
Rise and Shine, campers and
counselors. Today, unhappiness is
not an option. Mess Hall. Nine
minutes. Please.
Wendy removes the head-set with a sigh. As narration kicks
in, she drifts over to the office cot where a dazed, scraggly-
bearded Oberon lies. Wendy begins feeding him oatmeal.
SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.) ]
Of course after I was hit by ]
lightning, things around the camp ]
changed...but not as much one would ]
think. At least not right away...Oh. ]
Yes. I'm the narrator. My voice is ]
difficult to recognize when I'm not ]
shouting. Anyway, I used my freak ]
accident as an excuse to kick back ]
and contemplate my life. As well ]
as everyone else's. ]
INT./EXT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM--DAY ]
]
Wendy is aggressively marking up some official paperwork. ]
She then rises from the desk to vociferously supervise a ]
line of campers making wallets. She reaches the window where ]
she pulls on the head-set, sticks out her head, and blows ]
the whistle-- commencing an obstacle course going on outside. ]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
After the trauma of having her first
significant sexual experience
interrupted by her camp director's
electrocution, Wendy threw herself
into her work and my work.
EXT. SMALL MOUNTAIN--DAY ]
]
Wichita charges up the rockage of a small mountain-hill-type ]
thing. The image repeats itself over and over--each time ]
Wichita is more sweaty, gasping, sneering. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Wichita threw himself into himself. ]
The rules forbid anyone from the ]
climbing the camp's mountain. It, ]
of course, became Wichita's favorite ]
activity. ]
EXT. OBERON'S OFFICE--NIGHT ]
]
Now highly uncatatonic, Oberon felines from the door of his ]
office structure. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Something deep inside me told me ]
that, despite their retreat into ]
Denial, Wichita and Wendy were still ]
very fond of each other. The fact ]
that I snuck out every night and ]
read their diaries greatly helped. ]
EXT. PATCH OF THE WOODS--NIGHT ]
]
Oberon sits in a lotus position before a small campfire, ]
reading from Wendy's diary. ]
]
VOICE OF WENDY (V.O.) ]
Ever since the night of the Evil ]
Weirdness, I find it painful to even ]
look at him. Only you, dear diary, ]
know just how much he has changed ]
me and how much I feel... ]
]
Oberon lowers Wendy's girly-girl diary with one hand and ]
raises up Wichita's scruffy journal with the other. ]
]
VOICE OF WICHITA (V.O.) ]
I'm not sure I even like Wendy; I ]
only know that I love her. Wendy's ]
the only truly surprising person ]
I've ever met. Why won't she talk ]
to me? Why won't I talk to her? ]
]
Oberon looks to his watch, kicks dirt on the fire, then trots ]
back off into the night. ]
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S CABIN--MORNING
Wendy twitches in restless slumber.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
The would-be lovers were in pain.
Their cabinmates were not much
help...
Pixel (in a bizarre new haircut) tinkerbells over from her
side of the room and predatorily curls beside sleeping beauty
Wendy on her bed.
WENDY
What are you doing?
PIXEL
Nothing.
Pixel's fist does a gopher rumble beneath Wendy's T-shirt.
As if withstanding torture, Wendy hangs tough.
WENDY
You know you just do this for shock
value. It's not shocking.
PIXEL
When did pretending to be bored
become a sign of superiority? Are
you mad at me for giving the cabin
new haircuts or are you just still
miserably pining for Wichita's
lightning rod?
WENDY
Geez, what time is it? I have to go
feed Big Chief Oberon...You're right,
I miss him. Wichita, that is. I
really want to be with him, but I
can't bring myself to--Are you a
lesbian or are you...
PIXEL
I didn't realize I had to declare a
major.
WENDY
(to Pixel's hand)
Why do you even like me?
Confronted with a real response, Pixel withdraws her hand ]
and unwinds up and over to her own bed. ]
PIXEL
You remind me of me when I was...I
guess I was never like you. So cute.
So questioning.
WENDY
I'm not a nai-ive little...
PIXEL
Uh-huh.
Wendy fumes as the Endlessly Muttering Girl appears in the
doorway, wearing the new Pixelesque haircut.
MUTTERING GIRL
I-lost-my-barrette. One-time-I-lost-
a-magnetic-puzzle-piece-We-thought-
my-little-brother-ate-it.
PIXEL
(to watch)
On that note, my morning swim...
Wendy sighs as Pixel scampers off. The girls of the cabin ]
all awaken with the same kooky haircut (a severe, petite ]
braid dangling about the temple.) ]
MUTTERING GIRL
We-had-to-go-through-his-poop-with-
a-kitchen-knife-for-a-week. My-
favorite-food-is...
INT. WICHITA AND JASPER'S CABIN--NIGHT
Finishing a late run, Wichita de-hustles into the counselors'
quarters to where Jasper is regarding a board of pressed
flowers that spell I LOVE YOU.
JASPER
No, they're not from Wendy.
WICHITA
Your Secret admirer?
JASPER
Not so secret anymore. Don't look
all at once...behind the
pine...Dorothy from Cabin Seven.
Wichita does a fake-yawning peek out the window to see crush- ]
on-Jasper Dorothy recoil behind a tree. ]
JASPER
I guess it was too much to ask that
it would somebody older...and maler.
Like you.
WICHITA
Hey, I thought I wasn't your type.
JASPER
Wichita--you're everybody's type.
But seriously, don't worry about
it. I get my occasional crushes.
WICHITA
Hey, it's not a crush anymore if ]
you actually say it to the person ]
you supposedly have the... ]
]
JASPER ]
Thought I'd get points for a post- ]
modern approach to coming on to you. ]
WICHITA
(with a laugh)
Goodnight, Jasper.
JASPER
Goodnight.
Wichita moves toward his bed. Jasper jokingly follows him.
They both laugh as Jasper retreats.
EXT. A PIECE OF THE FOREST--DAY ]
]
Head down in depression, Wendy leads a single-file centipede ]
of her robed campers away from the showers. Wichita, head ]
down as well, leads a line of his camperstoward the showers. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Being over eighteen, the counselors ]
assumed all love is shit. It was ]
the campers who were most ]
disillusioned by the fall of Wichita ]
and Wendy. ]
]
The two human trains are about to collide when Wendy and ]
Wichita look up. Without verbal acknowledgement, they glumly ]
readjust and continue their head-down trek. The boys and ]
girls look from Wendy to Wichita in despair. ]
INT. CAFETERIA--DAYS
Wendy hops upon a chair at the head of the cafeteria and
booms out a cheer.
WENDY
Hey campers, give me a morning YEE-
HO!
THE CAMPERS
(mildly)
Yee-Ho.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
At even the best camps, the fear
and excitement of the opening weeks
gives way to dull routine, but after
finding and losing the thrill of
romance, the organism that was Camp
Bleeding Squaw seem to wither and
die faster than usual.
The image of Wendy vibrating atop the chair, leading a cheer,
repeats itself.
WENDY
Hey campers, how about a morning
YEE-HO!
CAMPERS
(feebly)
Yee....Ho.
The image repeats again.
WENDY
Hey campers, I think it's time for
a morning YEE-HO!
CAMPERS
(barely perceptible)
yeeho.
INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM--DAY ]
]
Another line of campers solemnly sit with their bored look- ]
a-like parents in the Arts and Crafts room. The campers ]
dutifully hold up some piece of crap they made. The parents ]
weakly smile as it falls apart. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
All this ennui culminated into the ]
deadly-dull, Day 20, halfway-mark ]
non-event known as Parents Day. ]
EXT. PATCH OF THE FOREST--NIGHT ]
]
Oberon goes through a pile of tiny, brightly colored ]
notebooks on his lap. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
After the parents bailed, I decided ]
to check out the little notebooks ]
we gave the campers at the start ]
of the session. Good stuff! ]
]
BOYS VOICE FROM DIARY (V.O.) ]
I can't believe those are the people ]
I was homesick for...I'm really going ]
to savor my remaining days here at ]
camp and only do exciting stuff like ]
the plan to get Wichita and Wendy ]
back together. Tonight's secret ]
camper meeting about the Day 21 ]
mission went really good, I mean, ]
well. ]
]
GIRLS VOICE FROM DIARY (V.O.) ]
It was just so neat to see them ]
flirting and pretending to be arguing ]
with each other. It was like watching ]
Titanic without the boat. That's ]
why I'm so happy everything's going ]
to come together on Day 21... ]
]
Oberon smiles, then looks to his watch. He kicks out the ]
fire and heads off. ]
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--DAY
A flag reading DAY 21 hits the top of the flagpole. Wendy
is revealed to be pulling it, sadly mumbling her familiar
flag raising song.
INT. WICHITA AND JASPER'S CABIN--DAY
Wichita watches Wendy walk away from the flagpole way in
the distance. He turns to see Eric slide off his top bunk
to chat up his pal Stanley in the bunk below.
ERIC
That was a bummer, Stanley--your
parents not coming to parents day--
you all right?
ERIC FRIEND STANLEY
Yeah, I'm fine. My Mom had to work.
I'm fine.
Wichita, impressed at the interchange, spins a baseball at
an oncoming Eric, who catches it.
WICHITA
That really sucked, Eric, what you
did, asking him that...
ERIC
Oh thanks, it was nothing...
WICHITA
(to watch)
You know, I think I left something
by the lake. Could you check it out--
You'll know it when you see it...
ERIC
Sure, Wichita. Whatever you say...
EXT. BY THE LAKE--MORNING
Guitar music accompanies Eric's pumped trek. He spurts from
some trees and stops dead at the sound of a splash. Pixel
is unwinding in the water, luxuriating in her ritualistic
skinny-dip. A traumatized (in the best sense) expression
is frozen upon Eric's face.
INT. THE MESS HALL--DAY
Strumming a guitar before the crowd, Wendy is revealed to
be responsible for the soundtrack. She finishes off,
seemingly commenting on the previous scene.
WENDY
Isn't Fun great? It's the first day
of last half of camp, so let's start
with the biggest YEE-HO yet. YEE-
HO!
The cafeteria crowd does not even attempt a response,
completely wrapped in their own conversations. Wendy grits
up some strength and belts out louder, pulling out a gold
flyer.
WENDY
Boy oh boy and girl oh girl, looks
like I'm going to have to tug out
my super-secret summer weapon! I think
I have two words that will turn some
of those frowns upside down.
AMID THE TABLES
Donald (wearing a different set of acne) bends down to Talia
(wearily wearing sunglasses).
DONALD
Please God, don't let one of those
words be "Scavenger."
TALIA ]
No way, she can't be that fucking ]
desperate. ]
WENDY
"Scavenger Hunt!" Is it getting
awesome in here or is it just me!
Counselors, pass out the lists!
Talia and Donald share a moan. Donald raises up his hand ]
for a high-five. ]
]
TALIA ]
No, no, I can't. ]
]
DONALD ]
You have to. I called it. ]
]
Laughing, Talia gives in to the high-five. ]
]
ADAM ]
]
gruffly passes out the golden scavenger sheets to the ]
underwhelmed campers. He grumbles to the flyers. ]
]
ADAM ]
This fun and games shit is getting ]
old. ]
]
ADAM CAMPER ]
What did you say, Adam? ]
]
ADAM ]
I said red team is going to kick ]
ass on the scavenger hunt. ]
]
Adam passes out some more flyers, including one to Bedwetter ]
Ted. Adam pauses. ]
]
ADAM ]
Ted, dry for a week. I'm proud of ]
you. ]
]
The counselor and camper trade thumb-up signs. Adam continues ]
on, flipping forth scavenger lists to Wichita and Jasper, ]
who drowsily scowl at them. ]
]
JASPER ]
Wichita, this is one girl who needs ]
a good virginity loss...Uh, what's ]
with Eric? ]
]
Eric sits at the end of the table with the same dazed ]
expression he had while watching Pixel. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Eric's been a good boy, so I thought ]
I'd initiate him into the world of... ]
]
Wichita cuts off. Squinting down, he pokes his finger into ]
his cereal bowl and pinches out a plastic baggie that has ]
been submerged in the milk. In the bag is a note which ]
Wichita swiftly skims. His eyes widen and he bolts up. ]
]
AT WENDY'S TABLE ]
]
The African-American Super-counselor bends to Wendy, who ]
speaks while she eats. ]
]
WENDY ]
And don't forget to make sure the ]
campers all have sacks to put their ]
retrieved objects in. Oh, and before ]
I forget...What's he doing? ]
]
Wendy cuts off to watch Wichita rush past and pound through ]
the cafeteria doors. She brings a spoonful of cereal, with ]
a baggied note balanced atop, to her unsuspecting lips. ]
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S QUARTERS--DAY
Wendy pounds into her quarters just as Wichita vaults through
the mammoth open cabin window. Awkward.
WICHITA ]
I got this note...It was in my bowl... ]
]
WENDY ]
Yeah. Me, too. ]
EXT. OUTSIDE WENDY AND PIXEL'S CABIN--DAY ]
]
A co-ed mixture of campers are huddled at the edge of the ]
woods, taking turns staring through binoculars. ]
]
ERIC ]
My note said I'm a pyromaniac who ]
wants to burn down cabin 2... ]
]
MISCHIEVOUS GIRL TWO ]
Oh that's much better than ours. ]
We went with this lame suicide ]
attempt-type thing... ]
]
RYAN, THE GOLDEN BOY ]
What are they saying? Let the boys ]
have a turn... ]
]
CAMPER GIRL WITH BINOCULARS ]
It's looking good, it's looking ]
good... ]
BACK IN THE CABIN ]
]
Wichita and Wendy uncomfortably lean toward each other, ]
comparing notes. ]
]
WENDY ]
I mean, what a ridiculous way to ]
try and get us together alone... ]
]
WICHITA ]
(sardonic) ]
Yeah, no way could it work... ]
]
WENDY ]
This is absurd...I'm sorry if we're ]
not going to become the cute camp ]
couple that-everybody wants us to ]
be...I don't want to talk about this. ]
I think it's important we stay ]
focused on the camp. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Absolutely. Day after Parent's Day ]
is important. The campers need to ]
feel they're not going back to the ]
usual grind. They need to be ]
challenged... ]
]
WENDY ]
I know. That's why I scheduled the ]
Scavenger Hunt. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Your lack of irony is brutal. ]
]
WENDY ]
(awkwardly) ]
Fuck you. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Wow...was that your first time saying ]
that word... ]
]
WENDY ]
Fuck you! ]
]
WICHITA ]
Improving. Let's try it once more... ]
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CABIN--DAY ]
]
Through binoculars, Wendy can be seen violently mouthing ]
the bad word. The Binocular Camper Girl lowers them. ]
]
CAMPER GIRL ]
It's looking bad, it's looking bad... ]
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S CABIN--DAY
Wheezing, controlling her anger, Wendy counts to ten. ]
]
WENDY ]
8, 9, 10...I apologize for my ]
outburst. We've both been under ]
stress. I know you're not religious, ]
but ever since Oberon...What are ]
you doing? Don't, please don't... ]
Wichita narrows his eyes, past a hand-flailing Wendy, to
a myriad of family photos stuck to her wall. He focuses on
a picture of Young Wendy and family at Niagara Falls.
WICHITA
When were you in Niagara Falls?
WENDY
About ten years a--why...Don't look
at these...Come on...Stop.
WICHITA ]
Niagara Falls is where my Mom first ]
told us...Wait, how much younger ]
than me are-- ]
Wichita zeroes his gaze behind Wendy's family in the picture
to an adolescent boy in the background, standing at a rail
with his back turned. WICHITA'S BLOWN-AWAY EXPRESSION TELLS
THE VIEWER THAT THE BOY IS WICHITA.
WENDY ]
Now that we're past all the personal ]
nonsense, let's speak counselor to ]
counselor: I'm running the camp now ]
and I expect your obedience and ]
your... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Yeah. Whatever you say. ]
]
Wichita races out of the cabin, leaving Wendy very perplexed. ]
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CABIN--DAY ]
]
The spying campers sadly watch Wichita bolt from the cabin. ]
EXT. THE WOODS--DAY ]
]
Decked out for a hike, Wendy leads Counselors and Campers ]
into a single-file-Heigh-Ho trot across the familiar tree ]
balance-beamed over the small ravine, clutching scavenger ]
sheets and wearing little bags. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
The adventure was about to begin ]
and I don't mean the Scavenger ]
Hunt... ]
TALIA ]
]
leans against a tree, off to the side, shaking her head to ]
the image while crumpling a Scavenger list sheet. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Everyone was hungry for a change, ]
but no one more than Talia, even ]
if Change meant being eaten by a ]
family of bears. She had become ]
a camp counselor for reasons other ]
than camp or counseling with harsh ]
results. On Day 21, she was pretty ]
much resigned to 19 more days of ]
torture...until she opened her eyes. ]
]
Talia re-focuses back to the log--Subversively tomboyesque ]
Hayley is making her cross when her friend Vanessa calls ]
out from a planted position at the end of the makeshift ]
bridge. The Bombshellettes can be seen waiting in the fuzzy ]
distance. ]
]
VANESSA ]
Hayley... ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Where were you, Vanessa? You're not ]
wearing that on the... ]
]
VANESSA ]
I'm blowing off the Hunt. Quelle ]
snore. Tiffany and Brooke got ]
permissh from Wendy to lay out on ]
the megaraft and read magazines as ]
long as we keep it tied to the pier. ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Wow. Sounds raging. You're saying ]
you'd rather-- ]
]
ONE OF THE BOMBSHELLETTES ]
Come on, Vanessa. ]
]
VANESSA ]
Yeah, I'd rather. ]
]
Vanessa turns to her new pals, stranding Hayley on the ]
collapsed tree. Affected by the poignant image, Talia removes ]
her sunglasses, no longer selfishly frazzled. ]
FURTHER ALONG IN THE WOODS ]
]
The Kids are spread out over the woods, looking downward ]
like a search party tracking down a corpse. A RED-TEAM CAMPER ]
rushes up to a staring-ahead Adam, holding up a robin's egg. ]
]
RED TEAM CAMPER ]
Robin's egg, sir. Three points for ]
the red team. ]
]
ADAM ]
Yeah. Outstanding. Three points. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Even Adam was losing intensity. It ]
was hard to stay pumped over the ]
increasingly benign skirmishes of ]
the almighty Color War, especially ]
with so many dazzling distractions... ]
Adam is revealed to be transfixed by Pixel-in-tight-shorts
before him. The viewer drifts ahead to Pixel, who has a
naughty, knows-she's-being-watched-but-dare-not-turn-around
smile on her face.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
As much as Pixel was nauseated by ]
Adam, she was intrigued. The Wendy ]
project was not quite going the way ]
she wanted...and a vibrator would ]
keep the kids awake at night and ]
besides, there was only one ]
electrical outlet in the cabin to ]
begin with so... ]
]
Pixel spins around causing the tailgating Adam to brake. ]
]
PIXEL ]
Could you please take your periscope ]
out of my ass... ]
ADAM
Uh, we got off to a bad start, me
and you. I'll bet there's a lot of
things you don't know about me.
PIXEL
Believe me, I wish I knew less.
(eye-raping his bod)
Oh, if you weren't such a pig...
ADAM
I can be a good pig. Babe.
Charlotte's Web. Good pig. Watch.
Adam strides ahead to Eric's pal, Stanley, to give sloppy ]
compassion. ]
]
ADAM ]
Hey Stanley, it must've been tough ]
when your parents didn't... ]
]
STANLEY ]
I'm fine! Jesus! Will everyone please ]
stop feeling sorry for me! ]
]
Pixel brushes beside the shot-dawn Adam. ]
]
PIXEL ]
Going to have to do better than ]
that... ]
Stanley darts ahead to Wichita's cabin boys. Todd peeps up
with an attitude pathetically attempting to be confidence.
TODD
Guess what, guys? I didn't want to
come out and say anything the other
day, but you know, I've had sex with
my mother, too...
STANLEY
He fell for it! What a perverted
idiot!
The boys all simultaneously explode into laughter,
exaggeratedly toppling to the ground around the humiliated
Todd. Todd quickly retreats past his coming counselors.
JASPER ]
Your turn, Wichita... ]
]
DONALD ]
You're not going after him? ]
]
WICHITA ]
Todd'll have a lot better time ]
daydreaming in the cabin about ]
heroically saving the camp from a ]
fire than he will out here...So ]
what's with you and Talia cracking
each other up in the cafeteria. You
two could be interesting together....
DONALD
Oh, I don't know...I can't imagine....
WICHITA
Start imagining. Watch me, you have
to Novocain your body like this...And
your shirt--In or out, man?
Wichita vigorously tucks Donald's shirt all the way in for
the first time. As they converse, Donald vibrates into a
very uncool imitation of Wichita's casual style.
WICHITA
Make it seem you have this
comfortable, mysterious life and
you don't give a shit whether she's
a part of it. Oh, and bring up India,
Talia has this obsession...
(noticing Donald poses)
Whoa, Donald, play hard to get, not
hard to want...Let Talia know that
your goofy act is just something
you do for the kids....
DONALD
It is? I don't know about this,
Wichita. Am I even right for Talia? ]
What About Wendy? I mean, you and ]
Wendy--how are you and Wendy... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Complicated. Extremely. ]
]
Wichita and Donald drift closer toward the head-setted Wendy, ]
who stands to the side of the searchers like a commandant. ]
]
WENDY ]
Now remember, people, let's keep ]
away from the mountain. Repeat... ]
(bossy toward Wichita) ]
There you are. Could you possibly ]
do one thing and help keep the ]
campers away from.... ]
]
WICHITA ]
(in her face) ]
Hey everybody, we're climbing the ]
mountain! ]
EXT. THE SMALL MOUNTAIN--DAY ]
]
Satisfied and exhilarated, the entire camp is clawing and ]
panting up the undangerously inclined rockage of the camp's ]
mini-mountain. A frazzled Wendy brings up the rear, clumping ]
up discarded scavenger sheets and bags. ]
WENDY
Don't get angry, count to ten, count
to..one, two, three--Will you people
please stop dropping your scavenger
sheets and retrieval sacks!
Mountaineering side-by-side, Talia and Hayley turn back to
the trying-to-keep-it-together Wendy.
HAYLEY
Man, she's losing it...
TALIA
It's about time. Isn't Fun great?
They share a laugh of camaraderie. Hayley stumbles. Talia
protectively steadies her. Wendy breezes by.
WENDY
Okay, okay, this sure was exciting,
but it's time to go back...time
to...What do we all say to a Marco
Polo tournament!
CLIMBING BOY CAMPER ]
That's a baby game! ]
]
CLIMBING GIRL CAMPER ]
Yeah! Besides, climbing the mountain ]
sucks! ]
]
Wendy stomps to the head of the pack and a beaming Wichita. ]
]
WENDY ]
Well, a positive "suck" usage. You ]
must be so proud. Okay, I suppose ]
I deserve to be poked fun of a little ]
bit, but...but climbing the mountain ]
is the granddaddy of the Camp ]
Bleeding Squaw No-No's! It can not ]
be done! ]
]
WICHITA ]
Wendy, don't you understand, that's ]
why we're doing it. I really hope ]
to see you at the top. ]
(swiveling to climbers) ]
Keep up the energy! We're making ]
history! ]
Wendy stops dead to quiver in rage. She then registers
Lovelorn Amber smooching it up with another Tiger Beatish
boy, tucked behind a boulder.
WENDY
One, two, three--whore!
Amber and the Tiger Beatish Boy burst off. A SMALL WHITE
CAMPER tugs Wendy from behind.
WHITE CAMPER BOY ]
Wendy, Billy just called me a nigger. ]
]
WENDY ]
But niggers are black--Ugh, that's ]
not what I meant to... ]
]
WHITE CAMPER BOY ]
Whoa. ]
]
PIXEL ]
What was that, Wendy? ]
]
The white camper boy scampers off. ]
]
WENDY
Come back, I didn't mean to... ]
(to Pixel)
Don't look at me like that.
Counseling tips from you of all
people...Jennifer said you taught
her how to "activate her clitoris."
PIXEL
And?
WENDY
"And?" There's no "And!"
PIXEL ]
(chiding) ]
Oh, calm down...you dirty racist. ]
]
WENDY ]
I'm not... ]
]
The Female African-American SuperCounselor rises up from ]
expertly bandaging a knee. ]
]
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPER-COUNSELOR ]
Wendy. Is it true you said... ]
]
WENDY ]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say the ]
nigger-word--the N-word! Damnit! It's ]
the altitude, I'm not a dirty racist! ]
]
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPER-COUNSELOR ]
(calming) ]
Wendy, maybe you should go back and ]
lie down... ]
]
WENDY ]
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. ]
]
Wendy hurries away from the black super-counselor, up into ]
the midst of a coed group of climbers. ]
]
CUTE-AS-A-BUTTON CAMPER BOY ]
Heaven is what you want it to be. ]
For me, Heaven is a place with angels ]
and talking marigolds. ]
]
WENDY ]
(sigh of happiness) ]
What a lovely, lovely thought, ]
Jeremy. I personally think Heaven... ]
]
SECULAR CAMPER-GIRL ]
My parents have never even taken ]
me to Church. They say religion is ]
a farce, which means it's silly and ]
wrong. ]
]
WENDY ]
Okay, so you've never gone to Church, ]
but Tammy, haven't you noticed a ]
pattern of spiritual connections ]
and coincidences that lead your life ]
one way as opposed to another? ]
]
The Non-Religious Girl trembles with a "What are you talking ]
about" look of terror on her face. She begins to cry. Wichita ]
appears beside Wendy. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Oh, now look what you've gone and ]
done, you've insinuated the existence ]
of a higher power and caused the ]
poor child to question everything ]
she is... ]
]
Sneering, Wendy turns up the volume all the way on the ]
headset and starts to shout... ]
]
WENDY ]
That's it! I demand... ]
]
The headset dies with a brain-piercing whine. ]
EXT. UP AHEAD ON THE SIDE OF THE HILL--DAY ]
]
The camp is splayed on the side of the hill, basking in a ]
warranted rest break. A constellation of seated-on-the-rock
female counselors and campers are getting vigorous back
massages from the Wichita's boys. Stanley shiatsus a
comically shellshocked Wendy.
STANLEY ]
Wow, what a knot--Wendy, you are ]
really tense. ]
]
WENDY ]
Harder. Harder....Harder. ]
]
PIXEL RE YOUNG MASSEUR ]
Wichita, Wichita, you're the shit. ]
Such brilliant training--to the ]
right, kid...your other right...ooh. ]
]
Starting to loosen up a bit, Wendy flicks on a small radio. ]
]
THE RADIO ]
And here it is, number one for the ]
ninth week in a row, the song of ]
the summer: "Oh my Unforgettable ]
Summer Love" ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh yes...I need this. ]
]
The painfully familiar ballad blares on. Wendy relaxes in ]
a reverie. Everyone else groans. The nearby counselors and ]
campers begin singing along with the song in intentionally ]
silly off-key fashion. Talia and Hayley are especially ]
obnoxious. Wendy seethes. ]
BELOW THE MASSEURS ]
]
Jasper and his young pals, Caleb and Andrew, laugh it up ]
to the bad singing, then continue banging on a very ]
complicated Playstation. ]
]
ANDREW ]
To the left, Jasper...yeah! ]
]
CALEB ]
You ever think of having kids of ]
your own, Jasper? ]
]
JASPER ]
(sudden pathos) ]
Kids? This is probably the closest ]
I'm-- Don't ask me that. You're ]
going to make me....agh. ]
]
Jasper gives up the game with a groan. The boys bustle away. ]
Jasper looks out in sad contemplation. Adam suddenly sits ]
down beside him. An amazing flower is sprouted between them. ]
]
ADAM ]
Can you believe these kids today ]
with their 7.4. bits of graphics. ]
2.4 was all our Gameboys needed... ]
]
JASPER ]
We didn't even have color. Donkey ]
Kong, Tetris, a guy had to use his ]
imagination back then... ]
(a beat) ]
So you want me to explain the gay ]
thing. ]
]
ADAM ]
Pixel's into that whole personal ]
freedom stuff and I guess I'm into ]
Pixel. Figured I'd make the effort ]
to understand--Let's get it over ]
with. This airline magazine I read ]
said homosexuality is caused by not ]
having a good relationship with your ]
father. ]
]
JASPER ]
Oh, that's garbage. ]
]
ADAM ]
You have a good relationship with ]
your father? ]
]
JASPER ]
Hell no, I'm gay. But come on, the ]
gay comes first. You see, I... ]
UP WITH THE MASSEURS ]
]
Wendy turns off the radio to cut off the smartass singing. ]
Led by Talia and Hayley, everyone applauds themselves. Wendy ]
exhales, then turns back to her masseur, Stanley. ]
]
WENDY ]
Stanley, I almost forgot--it must've ]
been rough when your parents didn't ]
show up yesterday.. ]
]
ERIC'S FRIEND STANLEY ]
Yeah, it really felt bad watching ]
all the other kids having someone ]
to run up to and hug... ]
]
Wendy wraps her arm around Stanley. Stanley naughtily takes ]
advantage of Wendy's comforting to cop a feel of her breast. ]
]
WENDY ]
Stanley! ]
As the boy bounds away, Donald lowers himself next to Wendy.
WENDY
Now what? What did I do this time?
DONALD
I just wanted to know if you've seen
this.
Donald gives Wendy a card reading "This." She can't help but
giggle.
DONALD
What about that?
Donald flips the card. It reads "That." Wendy cackles in
delight. Donald smiles.
WENDY
You're nifty, Donald. Really.
(a beat)
Hey, I noticed you talking to Talia
in the cafeteria. You should make
a move.
Donald's smile goes into a sigh which then turns into a
determined look toward Talia.
ADAM AND JASPER ]
]
continue their conversation. The former twitches as if ]
being given slight electrical shocks. ]
]
JASPER ]
8th grade basketball practice. Me ]
and this other guy hit the showers ]
after everyone else and we're just ]
talking-- you know, about trouble ]
shooting from the free throw line, ]
whatever. But then we become visually ]
aware of a mutual attraction. ]
]
ADAM ]
What do you mean by visually awa- ]
aah. ]
]
Adam's jaw involuntarily slams open as he achieves ]
comprehension. Jasper cracks up. ]
]
JASPER ]
Did you want to hear the rest-- ]
(to flower between them) ]
Hey, isn't that the Wazada flower? ]
]
ADAM ]
The jewel of the scavenger hunt. ]
Worth fifty points...What now? I'm ]
red team and you're purple. ]
]
Adam and Jasper pause, then laugh with "I don't give a fuck"-- ]
type chants. ]
BACK WITH THE MASSEURS ]
]
Pixel gives an impressed glance down to Adam and Jasper. ]
Her masseur, Eric, leans back to open up a Twinkie. Ryan, ]
the All-American Golden Boy, recoils to bite into a peach. ]
]
RYAN THE GOLDEN BOY ]
How can you eat that junk? ]
]
ERIC ]
Here we go again...Poor Ryan, parents ]
have him brainwashed. You bought ]
the lie! ]
]
RYAN, THE GOLDEN BOY ]
You just don't get it. A peach is ]
just not better for you, it tastes... ]
]
ERIC ]
That's it! ]
]
The pee-wee massage masters break from their servile ]
positions to chase and pin down the fleeing All-American ]
Boy. Eric pulls forth a twinkie and kneels down over Ryan. ]
]
Abandoned and wanting, the females stretch back and appraise ]
the roughhousing. ]
]
TALIA ]
I knew that was too good to last. ]
]
PIXEL ]
You can teach a boy to give a ]
massage, but you can't teach him ]
to be a man. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(strutting by) ]
Enough rest! Onward and upward! Camp ]
history, people... ]
]
Everyone hustles up and away. Eric and his Pals ascend from ]
the Golden Boy. Frosting covers his face along with an ]
expression of uncomprehending shock. ]
]
RYAN THE HEALTHY KID ]
So..tasty...All my life..a farce... ]
EXT. THE TOP OF THE HILL--DAY ]
]
Behold, the flat top of the mini-mountain, overlooking a ]
rather glorious vista. A lone boy clambers up into view. ]
It is the wailing child from the opening, who now has a ]
glowing expression that matches the one on his T-shirt. ]
]
The rest of the camp bubbles atop the mountain gasping and ]
sputtering with "We did it" joy. Everyone quickly winds down ]
into a plop upon the summit and looks out. The first moment
of absolute tranquillity in the film. And the last.
Pixel undeniably-glamorously lights up a cigarette, ripping
a match against a rock--all under the watchful eye of an
ADORING FEMALE CAMPER.
ADORING FEMALE CAMPER
Smoking is cool.
PIXEL
Yes. It is.
ADORING FEMALE CAMPER
Can I have a drag?
PIXEL
You're not pregnant are you?
ADORING FEMALE CAMPER
(giggling)
No-o.
Pixels pinches the cigarette over to her. The Adoring Female
Camper launches into a hacking cough. With a cackle, Pixel
turns and pats the rock next to her, allowing Adam to sit.
PIXEL ]
I couldn't help but notice your ]
incredibly transparent attempt to ]
appear open-minded with Jasper--I'm ]
flattered. ]
]
ADAM ]
I think everyone should have the ]
right to express... ]
TROUBLEMAKER BILLY ]
]
lights a fuse. The sound of sizzling stays on the soundtrack. ]
TALIA
lies on her back looking up to a cloudy, but beautiful sky.
Donald's head pokes into her POV, trying to be laid back.
DONALD
Talia. How's it going?
A CAMPER BOY NEXT TO WENDY
screeches down to the palm of his hand.
CAMPER BOY
I got stung by a bee!
WENDY
Oh, that's terrible. I know how you
must feel...
CAMPER BOY
No, you don't.
WENDY
(epiphany)
You're right, I don't. My God, I
have no idea what you feel like...
Wendy rack-focuses to the view of a bee pollen-bingeing upon
a nearby flower. She ferally crawls over and squeezes the
flower and the bee, launching into a therapeutic scream.
The boy wipes away his tears, giggling at Wendy, as she
shuffles to the edge of the mini-mountain, raising her stung
palm in the air.
WENDY
All this time talking down to the
kids, talking around the kids. No
more! No distance between me and the
campers, me and the pain. Yes, yes,
the pain is the key!
THE FLAME OF TROUBLEMAKER BILLY ]
]
continues to threateningly sizzle across a fuse. ]
OVER BY TALIA AND DONALD
A tensing up Donald waits for an opening with Talia.
TALIA ]
So the kid says, "Just because ]
something's dead doesn't mean I can't ]
play with it..." ]
DONALD
All in all, I'd rather be in India.
I find their culture to be so...
Talia's eyes widen. Donald and the nearby campers cower.
TALIA
Oh my, you're making your big move,
aren't you, Retarded Marshmallow
Head? And you've been coached by the
best. I mean, of course, let's pair
off the two geeks! How convenient
for everyone. Talia can't possibly
have any standards! All of you can
go to hell!
Talia tears down the hill. A concerned Hayley calls out.
HAYLEY
Talia, don't go!
TALIA
Wha-at? What is it?
HAYLEY
Everything.
Blood starts to cascade from Hayley's shorts. As the nearby
campers freak away, Talia jolts toward her.
WENDY
continues to rave, stung hand in air, back to the viewer.
WENDY
It took something as simple as a
bee sting to remind me that a part
of myself will always be a camper.
You have to be hurt in order to heal!
Today is the first day I can truly
call myself Counselor!
Wendy pivots around, her face has spookily swelled up. The
surrounding children immediately explode into watching-a-
monster-movie, finger-pointing wails of fear and amusement.
DONALD
wobbles to the ground in mortification. Hearing a sizzling
noise, he turns to see Billy's lit fuse blazing toward a
Frog covered with taped firecrackers.
The disgusting sounds of the thankfully unseen explosion
are thrown into the mountaintop mix. Donald staggers Pvt.
Ryan-style, sprinkled with frog's blood.
Some counselors are huddled in a nearby trench. They watch
Troublemaker Billy fall to the ground, laughing.
JASPER ]
Adam, on behalf of the sensitive, ]
peace loving counselors, you have ]
our permission to kill him. Make ]
it look like an accident. Or don't. ]
WICHITA
stands staring out the other edge of the mountain. His back
turned to all the ferocious activity. The soundtrack goes
silent for Oberon's narration.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
Much like a little boy who throws
sand at the girl in the sandbox
because he likes her, Wichita had
helped turn the mountain into a
rumbling volcano that had almost
given Wendy a nervous breakdown.
A good time was had, but it was now
time to move on. To start to take
responsibility. To deal with the
implications of the photograph on
Wendy's wall...
Sounds of chaos come back. Wichita finally turns and tanks
forward, making sharp scans to the pockets of anarchy around
him. Darkening clouds. Traumatized campers. The blood-stained
statue of Donald. The wailing wake around a froglike crater.
Talia helping hemorrhaging Hayley down the hill. Laughing
Billy. Zombie Mutant Wendy.
Wichita exchanges nods with a rather familiar girl. The
rather familiar girl goes into the throes of a very familiar
epileptic fit immediately sobering everyone.
However, the creature that will not die, the monstrously
swollen Wendy continues to hobble forward.
WENDY
You know I think I forgot to remember
that I'm allergic to bee stings.
Thunder ripples the air. Wendy faints. Wichita slides to
catch her in a picture-perfect pose.
INT. INFIRMARY ROOM--DUSK
Rain pounds outside. Her head bloated to an almost sci-fi
degree, Wendy moans away on a cot. Wichita is by her side,
surrounded by some of the other counselors.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN
Trying to rip open a tampon, Talia is crouched before a
standing, shivering Hayley. Both are crying.
TALIA
Whew, that wasn't a period. That
was an exclamation mark. You know,
Hayley, behind every great woman
is a great first menstruation
anecdote.
HAYLEY
I hope so...
TALIA
This is...this is...a very special
moment...
Talia and Hayley look to each other, and without stopping
the flow of their tears, break into a cathartic laughter.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE INFIRMARY--DUSK ]
]
Wichita and Talia accidentally emerge together from the ]
infirmary. They grudgingly acknowledge one another. ]
]
WICHITA ]
How is she? ]
]
TALIA ]
She's okay. What about yours? ]
]
WICHITA ]
Like you care... ]
]
TALIA ]
Oh, that's right, Wichita, you like ]
her more than you like me so I want ]
her to die. Oh, but hey, thanks for ]
passing Donald my way. I need the ]
business. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Well, you're not going to have to ]
worry about Donald anymore... ]
]
TALIA ]
What do you mean? ]
]
WICHITA ]
You didn't hear...He feels so ]
humiliated that he's quitting the ]
camp. ]
]
TALIA ]
(ashen) ]
That's not true, is it? ]
]
WICHITA ]
Nah...He's at the store. ]
]
TALIA ]
(amused at being fooled) ]
Ass-hole. ]
INT. SMALL GENERAL STORE--DUSK ]
]
A wet Donald mopes across the small store wiping the last ]
of the frog's blood off his face. He brings up a basket of ]
sundries to the counter where a KINDLY OLD GROCER starts ]
ringing him up. ]
]
KINDLY OLD GROCER ]
Hello, Donald. How are things going ]
up there? Those brats still giving ]
you a hard time? ]
]
DONALD ]
You know it. ]
]
KINDLY OLD GROCER ]
What about condoms? We got some of ]
those "made for her pleasure" ones ]
that you requested. ]
]
Donald goes into "cool" mode as the kindly Grocer piles boxes ]
of condoms on the counter. ]
]
DONALD ]
Thank you, Walter. Double my usual ]
supply. You know, the babes are ]
starting to realize camp is half- ]
over...I don't have to explain the ]
effect. ]
]
KINDLY OLD GROCER ]
You most certainly do not. When I ]
think about all the times you've come ]
in here...You must be the Errol Flynn ]
of camp. ]
]
DONALD ]
That's funny, that's what all the ]
kids call me. ]
]
KINDLY OLD GROCER ]
Have a good one. ]
]
DONALD ]
Always do. ]
]
Turning from the counter, Donald's cool aches back to defeat. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Pathetic. I just thought you should ]
know now that nobody ends up ]
responding to Donald's inner beauty. ]
He does not get the girl, or even ]
a girl...But he does get the last ]
laugh. Just not for a while. ]
INT. DONALD'S CABIN--DUSK ]
]
Wichita hustles into a cabin, leading out his charges. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Okay, everybody from my cabin, let's ]
go...Wendy is going to be fine...And ]
if anyone shows any kind of ]
disrespect to Hayley, they'll be ]
the ones bleeding. ]
]
Soaked to the bone, Donald moroses through the door, straight ]
into his quarters, clutching a sack. Wichita takes notice. ]
INT. DONALD'S QUARTERS--DUSK
Donald unlocks a drawer and throws in his condoms atop an
another load of unopened condom boxes. He plops a shiny porno
mag atop them all and relocks the drawer. Wichita pokes in
(Worshipping Eric noticeably loiters behind).
WICHITA
Howdy Pouty.
DONALD
I was pretty confident that I was
going to blow it with Talia, but
I must say, I outdid myself.
WICHITA
She's still pissed at me and took
it out on you. We should have taken
it slower. It's hard to operate in
the woods. Much easier in, like a
club. Tell the girl you've got to
go do something, leave her view,
take way too long until she is
worried that you're not coming back.
Just as she starts feeling awful,
you come up from behind and touch
her neck...
DONALD
(smiling in admiration)
You are the prince of the darkness.
WICHITA ]
Yeah. I should put all my shit in ]
a book and then throw away the ]
book... ]
DONALD
The funny thing about this Talia
thing is I wasn't even really
that...The person I really like--
I probably shouldn't be admitting
this...
WICHITA
(breaking from trance)
I'm in the picture on Wendy's wall.
Niagara Falls. Family trip. Little
Wendy foreground. Me background.
What are the odds on that one?
DONALD
Uh, yeah, that's...wow.
WICHITA
I couldn't tell her...it's, it's
too major...Jesus, I'm starting to
believe in God and what's worse I
think I like the guy. The lightning
bolt was just a test, right? Wendy
and I--we're meant to be. I'm right,
right? I have to see her...
DONALD
(deflated)
Say Hi for me.
Donald stands to watch Wichita and Eric exit, then glances
to his campers. One of them, in Donaldish glasses, paces
back and forth, staring at a scrap of paper.
DONALD
What is it, Cosmo?
COSMO, THE DONALDISH CAMPER
I don't know...this girl...gave me
this note...she wants to meet by
the creek tonight...I don't know.
Donald launches down and grabs Cosmo by the shoulders.
DONALD
Camp Eberhardt. Anne Wilson, lovely
Anne Wilson. She was the only camper
to have a lifeguard's license so
she was the only one allowed to take
out a canoe without supervision.
She asked me to come with her for
a post-bonfire spin around the lake
and I said no. I was young, I was
nervous, I didn't really like canoes--
I said no. If I would have gone on
that canoe, I'd be a different
person, I know it. Successful,
happy, assertive. I'd be a
nearsighted Wichita. You think
you're a kid so your decisions don't
matter now. They do. They all do.
COSMO, THE DONALDISH CAMPER
Okay, okay, I'll go to the dumb lake.
But only if you do "Retard goes to ]
the Movies." ]
]
The other campers, joyfully rabid, encircle Donald. ]
]
CLAMORING KID ]
Yeah, Retarded Marshmallow Head, ]
Do the retard! ]
]
DONALD ]
It's not very nice to make fun of ]
the mentally handicapped... ]
]
COSMO ]
Yeah, but it makes us laugh... ]
]
Donald immediately contorts himself into a Carreyesque/Sling ]
Blade slouch and lurches about the cabin to camper guffaws. ]
]
DONALD ]
I lack to gowuh to duh movies becuz ]
my Uncle Playdohhead buys me duh ]
Dunior mints if I do duh Dunior mint ]
dance! ]
EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE INFIRMARY--NIGHT ]
]
Wichita clandestinely streams the side of a small building ]
where the now completely composed Epileptic Girl stands ]
waiting. He hands over an entire box of gum. ]
]
EPILEPTIC GIRL ]
Trident Cinnamon? ]
]
WICHITA ]
Yes, ma'am. Great work today, Tracy. ]
I'll probably need you again on ]
Thursday. ]
]
TRACY, THE EPILEPTIC GIRL ]
You're going to see her, aren't you? ]
]
WICHITA ]
Romantic, huh? ]
]
Wichita hand-smacks Tracy goodbye. He then whizzes around ]
a building corner, almost whistling with the excitement. ]
He sees Todd blobbed before the infirmary door. Wichita ]
immediately cringes back around the building. ]
UP CLOSE WITH TODD ]
]
Todd stares down at his feet, waiting for camp to end. ]
Wichita takes a kamikaze sitting position beside him. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(comically perfunctory) ]
Hello, Todd. What are you doing ]
outside the infirmary? ]
]
TODD ]
What do you care? You don't like me ]
as much as everyone else doesn't ]
like me. That Mexican boy Lionel ]
is fatter than me and he has friends. ]
I should sue this camp for Lack of ]
Fun. Oh, Diarrhea. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Whuh? ]
]
TODD ]
You asked me why I was here, didn't ]
you? Geez! ]
]
WICHITA ]
Oh. You know, Todd, no one cares ]
whether you live or die. Don't get ]
me wrong, it's the same for ]
everybody. Now it's a sad thing that ]
nobody cares if you die--but then ]
if you're dead, who cares that nobody ]
cares. Now the nobody cares if you ]
live part is great. It means you ]
can come up with any idea and quietly ]
burrow it into the world. You may ]
fail a few times and other people ]
might say negative things, but other ]
people are basically lame and they ]
never put up much of a fight. ]
]
TODD ]
Uh, is that speech in the camp ]
workbooklet..? ]
]
WICHITA ]
Todd, you gotta stop taking ]
everything so seriously. You have ]
to have a sense of humor about life. ]
]
TODD ]
But what if it's not funny. ]
]
Wichita gulps at Todd's persistent humanity. He starts to ]
pat Todd on the back, but wisely freezes. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Want some gum? ]
INT. INFIRMARY ROOM--NIGHT
A radio is playing "Oh, my Unforgettable Summer Love." The
monstrously swollen Wendy, half-awake, murmurs affectingly
along with the song. Wichita is revealed standing in the
doorway watching her. He briefly murmurs along, too. His
ruggedly casual look has smoothed into one of a tamed tiger.
WICHITA ]
You were magnificent today. Camp ]
Hall of Fame. ]
]
WENDY ]
Would have been cooler if I had died. ]
In the throes of an eloquent delirium, Wendy, almost
comically, tries to rise up on the cot, but can't.
WENDY
I have to get up. Still more to do.
That boy hates Asian people. That
girl thinks she gave her Mom cancer
by dropping a plate on her hand.
Her daddy touches her. His daddy
never touches him. It would have
been cooler if I'd died.
WICHITA ]
Wendy, I'll come back later. ]
]
WENDY ]
Why does every ten year old know ]
what they want to be when they grow ]
up, but then as you actually grow ]
up, you forget every--The girls are ]
big on "Veterinarian" this year-- ]
I think it could be the "ballerina" ]
of this century. ]
WICHITA
You're seriously wonderful.
Wendy starts to feel a little self-conscious, touching her
hair....and then her warped visage.
WENDY
Hey...You have to get out of here.
I'm...having a bad face day. Don't
look at me...
(a warm beat) ]
Jasper told me what you did. Carrying ]
me down the mountain as fast as you ]
could... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Only dropped you twice... ]
They pause to inhale the intoxicating romantic tension.
WENDY
Isn't this the time where one of
us says something deeply offensive
to the other one...We're just so
different.
WICHITA ]
So what? ]
WENDY
(trying to be flippant)
Yeah, why should we let our actual
personalities get in the way of us
falling in love?
WICHITA
(trying not to be flippant)
Exactly.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DIVIDER
A BOY AND A GIRL COVERED IN POISON IVY SPLOTCHES lie in their
beds on the other side of the divider. They are unbearably
holding in a huge burst of laughter.
BACK TO WENDY'S SIDE OF THE DIVIDER
Wichita glides into an intimate kneel beside Wendy's bed.
WICHITA
Todd was out there blocking the ]
entrance. You would have been proud ]
of me...My suit of armor is starting
to come off. Not all of it, but
enough to walk around...
WENDY
And you'll be happy to know I'm going
to drop my Snow White and the Seventy
Dwarves act...Not all of it, but...
WICHITA
I was thinking...if we could mesh
my way of thinking with your way ]
of thinking, we could really do some ]
great counseling. It's all about ]
the evolution of the species, we ]
can improve... ]
WENDY
I love you. Don't say I love you,
too. I hate that--"love you, too."
WICHITA
I know what you mean. But it doesn't
put me in too great a position...
WENDY
Don't worry, you...
Wichita brings his head down upon Wendy's mutated one for
a kiss.
WICHITA
God, you're beautiful.
WENDY ]
Thank you, my love. ]
The kids on the other side of the divider let loose with
a huge ream of laughter. Wendy happily-grouchily chastises.
WENDY
Fuck off.
WICHITA
I should leave. You probably need
your rest.
WENDY
Probably.
Wendy suddenly throws back the sheets and projects out of
the bed. Wichita chuckles and gives breathless chase.
EXT. ON TOP OF THE HILL--NIGHT
This moment of passion turns into the sight of a FULL MOON,
complemented by the HOWL of an animal. The viewer's viewpoint
DRIFTS DOWN to see that the howl comes from a wild-haired
OBERON, seen from the back, in a mountain man frock.
INT. TALIA AND JADE'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
Sheila, the Sleepwalk Girl, leans out another massive cabin ]
window as Dorothy, the Crush-on-Jasper Girl, loads batteries ]
into a flashlight. Hayley approaches, holding a telescope. ]
]
SHEILA, THE SLEEPWALK GIRL ]
The coast is relatively clear. ]
]
DOROTHY, THE CRUSH-ON-JASPER GIRL ]
Relatively? What are we actually doing ]
again? ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Who cares? Let's go... ]
]
SHEILA THE SLEEPWALK GIRL ]
What about your friend Vanessa? ]
]
Hayley looks to the Bombshellettes working on Vanessa's hair. ]
]
HAYLEY ]
What about her? Let's go... ]
EXT. OUTSIDE TALIA'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
The girls bound from the window into the night air. Talia ]
stands at the side of the window, letting them trod forward ]
a couple feet before bellowing with a mock-severe tone. ]
TALIA
Freeze! You're busted!
HAYLEY
(mock-defiant)
What are you gonna do about it?
TALIA
(grinning, bluff called)
Ooh, I'll think of something, missy.
A telescope? Where you going? I don't
want to know.
DOROTHY, THE CRUSH-ON-JASPER GIRL ]
Talia, do you think Jasper and I ]
have a chance--He's got a girlfriend ]
back home, doesn't he? ]
]
TALIA ]
(double-take) ]
Uh, that's not your problem, Dorothy. ]
Jasper is absolutely-positively ]
1OO%...older than you-- Will you ]
all just get out of here, before ]
I actually see you! ]
Hayley hangs back as the others scatter.
HAYLEY
Thanks, Talia...Why are you so nice
to me?
TALIA
Why am I so--That's new--The way
I figure it is if I can get through
to just one camper...then I'm a
pretty incompetent counselor.
(with warmth) ]
Don't get caught. I'll deny ]
everything. ]
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BOYS' CABINS ]
]
Sheila the Sleepwalk girl is doing a zombie meander before ]
the Boys cabins. She suddenly breaks character to wave forth ]
her cabinmates and a co-ed assortment of other campers. ]
INT. DONALD'S CABIN--NIGHT
Wearing only boxers, Donald obliviously closes shudders over
the sight of the camper prowlers. Donald proceeds to put
a towel upon his chair and a hot oil bottle upon his desk,
beside an innocuous Wendy Polaroid. He climatically opens
his drawer. No dirty mag. Donald goes into a panicked
ransack.
THE REST OF THE CABIN
Donald flings open his door to make a glaring appraisal of
his snoozing campers. He growls suspiciously, then recloses
the door. The campers leap out of their fake slumber, whip
out the stolen magazine, and flick on a flashlight.
VOYEUR BOY ONE
Whoa--I don't get why people protest
pornography. They must not have seen
this issue.
VOYEUR BOY TWO ]
Nobody seems to be having much fun... ]
VOYEUR BOY ONE
I'm in love with love.
EXT. A CREEK AT THE FOOT OF THE HILL--NIGHT
By a creek, next to a lantern, Cosmo, the Donaldish Boy
quivers on a log with his female Rendezvous Partner. They
reach out to hold hands.
The viewer's viewpoint drifts up the hill to a ridge where ]
the African-American SuperCounselor and the Big Stoner Lug ]
are squeezed side-by-side, their arms adorably, if a little ]
incongruously, wrapped around the other. They look down to ]
the kids. ]
]
AFRICAN AMERICAN COMPETENT COUNSELOR ]
Oh, they're so cute... ]
]
BIG STONER LUG ]
(amusingly contemplative) ]
Was I ever that young? ]
]
The African-American SuperCounselor and the Big Stoner Lug ]
contort for a clumsy missed smooch that segues into some ]
delightfully sloppy kissing. The viewer drifts up the hill ]
to where a post-coital Wichita and Wendy are artfully
entangled among some bushes, watching the couple below.
WENDY
Oh, they're so cute...
WICHITA
Was I ever that young...?
They tenderly kiss. Wendy unscrews the thermos lid and pours ]
herself a cup of joe. ]
]
WENDY ]
I'm still on anti-biotics, I really ]
shouldn't be caffeining...Gosh, I've
had a lot of daydreams about losing
my virginity. Never one like this.
For one, I wasn't a mutant. Secondly,
I...What are you thinking?
WICHITA
I'm just thinking I'm glad I broke
up with everyone I ever went out
with.
(mock-concern)
The swelling is gonna go down, right?
Wendy giggles. Wichita gently kisses her.
WENDY
Are you allowed to do it more than
once a night?
WICHITA
It's been known to happen.
Wichita and Wendy curl into an embrace. The viewer's
viewpoint clambers even further up the hill to where the ]
deranged raggedy man OBERON starkly stands watching. ]
]
OBERON (V.O.) ]
Cute. Was I ever that-- ]
THROUGH A TELESCOPE ]
]
The viewer gets a flash of the grappling Wichita and Wendy. ]
EXT. A CABIN PORCH--NIGHT ]
Surrounded by a strange mix of campers on the mess hall roof,
Bedwetter Ted is transfixed into the telescope.
BEDWETTER TED
Oh my god...intercourse.
HAYLEY
No way...Move over, Ted.
DOROTHY, THE CRUSH GIRL ]
You promised we'd get to see Jasper ]
take a shower... ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Stop whining, Dorothy. Wendy's ]
virginity is becoming history. Show ]
some respect... ]
]
The rooftop crowd is jolted. All clamor for the telescope. ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Back...back.... ]
]
OBNOXIOUS ADAM CAMPER IN RED CAP ]
That makes you and Wendy like ]
bloodbrothers. On same day you... ]
]
HAYLEY ]
I get it. You're gross. Here...get ]
educated. ]
OBNOXIOUS ADAM CAMPER IN RED CAP
(into telescope)
Whoa...20 points for the blue team.
ERIC
Hey, let us impressionable minds
have a turn...
AMBER, THE LOVELORN GIRL ]
(crying in corner) ]
Jerome was the one, so different ]
from the others...I loved him so ]
much! ]
]
THE OTHER CAMPERS ]
("shaddup") ]
Amber... ]
]
SHEILA THE SLEEPWALKER ]
Wendy and Wichita back together gives ]
the camp a great fizzy feeling. I'm ]
just so happy that... ]
(into telescope)
Ick.
STANLEY ]
One has to wonder if this dramatic ]
change in the relationship of Wendy ]
and Wichita will affect a change ]
in the camp as a whole... ]
]
ERIC ]
Stanley, don't even try to... ]
]
STANLEY ]
Now if you want my opinion... ]
]
Stanley finally-viciously lets off a THX fart. The campers ]
screech and abandon the telescope, barreling down a ladder. ]
EXT. THE FOREST--NIGHT ]
]
The fleeing campers giggle and pant in excitement, madly ]
dashing away from the mess hall, into the forest. Eric is ]
good-naturedly pounding on Stanley. ]
]
ERIC ]
Man Stanley, Wichita and Wendy, ]
sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. ]
And we missed it--thanks to you! ]
]
OBNOXIOUS ADAM CAMPER IN RED CAP ]
Hey Sheila, did looking through that ]
telescope give you any ideas... ]
]
SHEILA THE SLEEPWALKER ]
Yeah. The priesthood. ]
]
AMBER, THE LOVELORN GIRL ]
What's so wrong if two people are ]
in love or just really feel like ]
it-- Ooh, lightning bugs. ]
]
Backtracking to reasonable innocence, the varied campers ]
all laugh and shove each other trying to capture the nearby ]
dots of light. ]
]
Hayley and Bedwetter Ted hang back a bit, sweetly nervous ]
around each other. A strange muffled noise can be vaguely ]
heard in the distance. ]
]
BEDWETTER TED ]
Um, pretty interesting day... ]
]
HAYLEY ]
Too interesting. I think I liked ]
things better when--what's that ]
noise? ]
EXT. DEEPER IN THE FOREST--NIGHT
Troublemaker Billy is wailing as loud as a gagged person
can. Hence the strange noise. His arms are tied around a
tree. A Tennis racquet is pressed against his bare chest
by one Adamesque camper, while others, using Brillo pads,
severely scrape skin poking out. Adam observes.
ADAM
It's called "Pink waffle"--perhaps
before your time--Brillo pad scraped
against the skin popping out from
a pressed down tennis racquet. Okay,
that's enough!
(a chuckle)
I'm only kidding. More.
The Brilloing gets fiercer. The muffled moans get louder.
Pixel suddenly appears, pushing everyone out of the way.
Tennis racquet batted away, Billy's stomach indeed resembles
a pink waffle. Adam's Henchmen tear the boy away with them.
PIXEL
Sadist! I can't believe I thought
you could change--This is your idea
of discipline? You're a monster. That
kid is going to be traumatized for...
ADAM
About three days. I'm a monster.
He's a monster. Actually, we're both
just guys. I don't expect you to
understand that I...
Surprising Adam, the viewer, and herself, Pixel unzips Adam's
pants and reaches her hand inside. She determinedly strokes
and Adam helplessly quivers.
PIXEL
No really, keep talking, I ree-ally
want to hear what you have to say,
you're just so eloquent...
ADAM
Why are you...don't stop...why?
PIXEL
"Why?" If I asked questions like
that, I'd never make love-"love"--
Damn you, Damn this, damnit!
Pixel and Adam tug at each other's clothes.
EXT. WOODS BEHIND THE BOYS CABINS--NIGHT ]
]
Wiping off his sweat with his shirt, a euphoric Adam emerges ]
from the woods behind his cabin. He scans a half-awake ]
Bedwetter Ted crunched upright against a tree stump with ]
a blanket. ]
]
BEDWETTER TED ]
Oh Adam...I'm sorry...I've... ]
]
ADAM ]
been waiting for everyone else to ]
snooze then sneaking out here. You ]
piss and no one will find out--but ]
you're usually too uncomfortable ]
to even sleep. Then you crawl back ]
before we wake up. ]
]
BEDWETTER TED ]
How did you know? ]
]
ADAM ]
(a beat) ]
Wild guess...come on, pal. ]
]
Adam hefts Ted up and compassionately steadies him toward ]
the cabin. The viewer's viewpoint rises to take in OBERON ]
lumbering across the roof like a warped Santa Claus. His ]
narration slithers over the following visions. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Only now that I was detached from ]
it, could I see how dazzling and ]
alive a summer camp could be. Can ]
you blame me for wanting to ]
experiment, to test and to prod the ]
organism, to want to take it to the ]
next extreme... ]
INT. ONE OF THE BOYS CABINS--NIGHT ]
]
OBERON's hands snatch a Playstation from a knapsack and ]
another one out from underneath a pillow. He also clings ]
up a pile of comic books poking out through a trunk ]
INT. WENDY'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
From a shelf above Wendy's sleeping head, OBERON's hand tugs ]
out a pristine copy of the happy-happy Counselor workbooklet. ]
EXT. GROUNDS NEAR THE CENTER OF CAMP--NIGHT ]
]
Many workbooklets, many playstations, as well as whistles, ]
drugs (medicinal and otherwise), car keys, candy bars, cell ]
phone and power books are heaved into a massive, dug-out ]
hole. Oberon's beloved stopwatch is maraschino-ed atop the ]
pile. Dirt is heaved over everything. ]
INT. OBERON'S OFFICE--NIGHT ]
]
OBERON kicks open the door to his ex-office. He takes a ]
delicious pause before laying siege to the immaculate lair ]
of efficiency. OBERON violently tips a bookcase, hurls ]
papers, shreds his cardboard timetable. He then rips out ]
the camp's ham radio sending the film into black. ]
EXT. OUT OF BLACK--CENTER OF THE CAMP--DAY ]
]
The campers stagger the center of the camp, silently howling ]
their heads off. The counselors help some breathe into ]
inhalers. Oberon's voice soothes the soundtrack. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
The initial reaction to my actions, ]
especially the burying-the-toys ]
maneuver, was less than superb. ]
INT. OBERON'S OFFICE--DAY ]
]
Wendy, Wichita, and the other counselors suspiciously ]
encircle the "sleeping" Oberon. They turn around, walk a ]
couple paces, then spin back hoping to catch him moving. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Tensions were raised and certain ]
suspicions were aroused...but it ]
wasn't long before the counselors ]
realized the succulent freedom that ]
lay before them. ]
]
The counselors survey the damage, the destroyed ]
communications equipment and the spilled bookage, with ]
boggled expressions that are not necessarily unhappy. Donald ]
lifts up the ripped-up cardboard timetable and broadly grins. ]
The other counselors, even ex-fascists Wendy and Adam, grin ]
as well. ]
EXT. THE FOREST--DAY ]
]
Like Dali watches, campers are strategically splayed about ]
a forest clearing. A deer delicately clumps around them. ]
The campers simultaneously rise up out of their stupor. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Soon the rest of the camp let go ]
and went with the utopian flow. ]
EXT. THE LAKE--DAY ]
]
The lake is placid and untouched. Suddenly, the entire camp, ]
counselors and campers, boisterously plow into the frame ]
and into the water with their clothes on to splash and shout ]
in giddy release. ]
EXT. BONFIRE AT THE CENTER OF THE CAMP--NIGHT
Adam and Jasper tip the humungous homemade scoreboard into
a huge bonfire as the rest of the camp cheers. The campers
jut forward to fling their colored headbands into the flames.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
Every camp, in its closing weeks, ]
must cut loose from the regimentation ]
of its early stages. Every camp ]
has to find a way to reinvent itself ]
in a more casual, free-er ]
form....Bleeding Squaw just went ]
a bit further. I can't take all the ]
credit--there was a much deeper cause ]
of our anarchy than my cut-the-camp- ]
off-from-civilization mischief... ]
A SUDDEN FLASH ]
]
of skin on skin. Indecipherable body parts. Lip biting close- ]
ups. Operatic music on the soundtrack. ]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
Sex, of course. Don't worry, only
four people were actually having
it. But...
EXT. BY THE LAKE--DAY
As the operatic music continues, Pixel splashes/meditates
in the throes of her morning skinny dip.
Eric again stares out from the woods, completely bewitched.
The viewer's viewpoint pulls out to reveal that Eric is
surrounded by practically every other male child in the camp,
all looking forward with the same life-will-never-be-the-
same gaping mouth.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
the whole idea of it, the scent of
it, seemed to insinuate itself into
everything like a lush fog...and
a grotesque oil spill.
Pixel does a somersault in the water, catching a glimpse
of the army of young voyeurs. She bursts back up. The boys
are gone.
EXT. PATCH OF FOREST--DAY
Crush-on-Jasper Dorothy snips a hefty lock of a napping-in-
the-forest Jasper.
INT. TALIA'S CABIN--NIGHT
Seemingly chanting along with the operatic music, a very
pagan Dorothy puts the hair in an altar covered with sketches
of Jasper. Her friends help out in the bizarre ritual.
EXT. THE CENTER OF CAMP--DUSK ]
]
On the center of camp's grass, resembling a 60's love-in, ]
every male camper gives a massage to every female camper. ]
INT. CAFETERIA--DAY
Operatic music cuts off. With comically intentional
stiffness, Wichita approaches Wendy at her cafeteria table.
WICHITA
Excuse me, Counselor Wendy, I need
assistance in finding that
important...thingie in the storage room.
WENDY
Oh my gosh, why didn't you say
something earlier...
Holding in laughter, Wendy and Wichita solemnly move off
from the table toward a storage room at the back of the Mess
hall. Most of the campers and counselors subtly stop
speaking and eating to behold them as the operatic music
creeps back on.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
As always, everything revolved around
Wendy and Wichita. They were the
plant on the classroom windowsill,
fed and watered by enthusiastic
teachers and children.
A special pan is made across the unrequited lovers Donald,
Jasper (big patch of hair missing at his temple), and Pixel,
who sighs down to a shockingly relaxed Adam dozing on her
lap. They all sadly blink as Wendy and Wichita animatedly
unlock the storage door and disappear inside.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
It's so much fun to watch it grow
and grow...but these classroom plants
always have a way of getting too
big...beyond control...
INT. STORAGE ROOM--DAY
Wichita naughtily backs Wendy into the sizable storage room.
She gleefully half-fends off his frisky prods beneath her
blouse and down her shorts.
WENDY
Do you really think we're fooling
anyone?
WICHITA
Do you really think I care?
WENDY ]
You're bad... ]
]
WICHITA ]
We're bad... ]
Wendy surrenders into a kiss. The couple crushes back against
a wood table.
INT. STORAGE ROOM--ANOTHER DAY
With no tentative giggling foreplay whatsoever, Wichita and
Wendy hungrily bash through the storage room door and
immediately launch into each other. They do a Postman-Always-
Rings-Twice collapse up atop the table and begin clawing
each other's clothes off.
INT. STORAGE ROOM--YET ANOTHER DAY
Passion down to a clinical science, Wendy and Wichita swiftly
but calmly enter the storage room. With military precision,
Wendy removes her shorts, lies back on the table, and lifts
her tennis shoed feet into the air. Wichita removes his shirt
and fiddles with his pants. They converse as if they were
playing Scrabble.
WICHITA
She got a little poison oak and
started screaming for assisted
suicide.
WENDY
Be nice. Her father died in that
TWA flight the government shot
down...You know I'm going to be in
the city next week. My mom says it's
okay that I stay overnight at your
dorm...It'll be nice to see you in ]
a different shirt. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Oh, I didn't tell you. I wear this ]
all year round. The chicks dig it... ]
WENDY
It's going to be strange. Having
to plan "dates" and....
(suddenly unreclining)
Something wrong? What's up?
WICHITA ]
(looking down) ]
What's not up. Guess my mind is on ]
the end of camp and all that. ]
]
WENDY ]
It's okay...Serves us right after ]
these last weeks... ]
]
WICHITA ]
(attempted smile) ]
Yeah. Serves us right. ]
EXT. FOREST CAMPFIRE--NIGHT ]
]
Oberon, beard larger than ever, is familiarly sifting through ]
Wichita and Wendy's respective Journals. The pages are barren ]
of new writing. He eventually clings up some of the campers' ]
journals as well. Blank as well. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
So much was happening, so quickly, ]
no time to process it for both ]
witnesses and participants. The ]
journals, so often packed with ]
scribbled spiritual groping, were ]
now completely blank. Constant ]
activity, be it archery or fucking, ]
without introspection is dangerous. ]
It causes a brain clot, even worse ]
a clotting of the soul. Bleeding ]
Squaw had gone Koyaanisquatsi...out- ]
of-balance, but then, if you've ever
been to a summer camp, you know how
matters most astonishing, tragic,
and wondrous are not worked out until
the very last day.
Gravely rising, Oberon clumps the diaries into his arms and ]
kicks dirt over the campfire. ]
EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--DAY
A very different Wendy--tougher, older, not quite wiser--
dutifully raises, while smoking a cigarette, a ragged flag
marked 40. A pack of campers can only-very-briefly be seen ]
making a wild Lord of the Flies run in the b.g. ]
INT. THE MESS HALL--DAY ]
]
The MESS HALL is a mess. Loud and dirty with a black eye ]
or two, the campers race around from table to table in ]
rhythmic chaos. Boys and girls eat together--some of them ]
on the floor. The counselors are too ethereally de-energized ]
to do anything actively disciplinary. ]
BY TALIA'S TABLE
In perfect syncopation, the Bombshellettes, with a similarly ]
coiffed Vanessa musketeered between them, saunter across ]
the mess hall. A much more bohemian Hayley passes by the ]
trio. The two ex-friends do not even acknowledge each other ]
enough to ignore each other. ]
]
Hayley brakes before the uncharacteristically counseling
counselor Talia, who is surprisingly holding court with a
group of awed campers. Talia is almost unrecognizably
unbrittle and earth motheresque (flower in hair!). Hayley
attaches a string of Arts and Crafty beads around her mentor.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.)
Oh, I almost forgot about Talia.
She did the most shocking thing of
all: She became a camp counselor.
TALIA ]
I finished your poem, Hayley. It ]
rocked and I'm not just saying that. ]
]
HAYLEY ]
But I'll never be as good a writer as you... ]
]
TALIA ]
(wryly) ]
Good point. Sit down, I want to ]
show... ]
AT A TABLE WITH WENDY AND DONALD ]
]
A healthier Donald, his face seemingly acne-less, has risen ]
to present Wendy with a gorgeously ornate miniature of the ]
camp with a micro-Wendy in the middle. ]
]
DONALD ]
and there's you in the middle.. ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh Donald, it's so...so exquisite. ]
You must have put so much work into ]
it...You know, Donald, your face ]
is really clearing up... ]
]
DONALD ]
Oh, uh, thanks...I just want to say ]
that knowing you has... ]
]
Wendy looks off to see Wichita set up a chair at the front ]
of the cafeteria. ]
]
WENDY ]
Donald, I have to go check on ]
something, but thanks... ]
]
DONALD ]
(glum incisiveness) ]
Another run to the storage room? ]
]
WENDY ]
(feeling dirty) ]
No--Well--It's not--I--Anyway, thanks ]
for the, the object... ]
]
As Wendy sheepishly departs, Donald removes his hand from ]
a contemplative position on his face, revealing a comically ]
concentrated patch of acne. A Frisbee swooshes into Donald's ]
Arts and Crafts masterpiece and clips off the flagpole. ]
]
DONALD'S GOONY CAMPERS ]
Sorry, Marsh-head! ]
WICHITA
is fixing the wires of the headset with surprising
determination. Wendy peeps up, trying to be more suave than
she is.
WENDY
Excuse me, Wichita, I can't seem
to reach the top shelf in the storage
room. Could you...
WICHITA
Not now, Wendy.
WENDY
(softening)
This isn't about "doing it." I just
think we need to talk some things
out privately before...
Not registering her, Wichita bounds upon the chair and barks
into the working head-set.
WICHITA
Does this camp suck or does this
camp suck?
THE CAMPERS
(joyously)
This camp sucks!
WICHITA
They tried to tame us...They forced
us to make their bead necklaces and
run their sack races, but we
rebelled! We made our own camp!
Dazed by his would-be revolutionary fervor (and non-fervor ]
toward her), Wendy wobbles down to the nearest seat. Next ]
to her, Ryan, the former Golden Boy, looking like a strung- ]
out heroin addict, sleazes up to Eric. ]
]
RYAN, THE EX-HEALTHY KID ]
Eric, man, you gotta hook me up. ]
Ho-ho's, ding dongs, some Little ]
Debbie action. My parents won't send ]
me the shit. You hear what I'm ]
saying, they're sending me pears, ]
for chrissakes... ]
]
ERIC ]
Back off--I warned you about too ]
much, too fast. Now get out of my ]
face... ]
Wichita continues to weave the crowd, really getting into
his increasingly malevolently modulated speechifying.
WICHITA ]
And don't leave this attitude in ]
your sleeping bag. Take it with you ]
back to so-called society--to your ]
parents, your teachers, to anybody ]
who tries to give you shit! ]
]
Pixel crouches beside Wendy. ]
]
PIXEL ]
Uh, what's with loverboy? ]
]
WENDY ]
Pixel...he's been strange these last ]
couple of days. I feel him pulling ]
back...Maybe it's my imagination-- ]
I know he loves me--It's just-- ]
]
PIXEL ]
Quiet...a plan is forming. Come on. ]
]
Pixel tugs Wendy away. Wendy makes momentary eye-contact ]
with Wichita, who turns and roars to a finish. ]
]
WICHITA ]
There's only one activity you need ]
to do before tonight's big dance! ]
Anything you want! ]
]
OLDER ADAM CABIN CAMPER ]
But that's what we've doing for the ]
past week... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Geez, give you little bastards your ]
freedom and this is how you repay ]
me? Okay, let's all hit the beach; ]
I'll figure out something relatively ]
mind-blowing when we get there. ]
"Move it!" ]
]
The camp bustles upward. ]
EXT. OUTSIDE CAFETERIA--DAY
Campers and counselors plow out the cafeteria doors. An ]
exiting Wichita gives a glance to the side where Jasper is ]
finishing a heart-to-heart with Dorothy, the crush girl. ]
He pats her on the back, then rises up to join Wichita. ]
]
WICHITA ]
How'd it go? You didn't tell her you ]
were... ]
]
JASPER ]
Oh, that's not very inventive. ]
(in deep romantic voice) ]
"You're obviously a very desirable ]
young woman, but Dorothy, if I took ]
advantage of you at this point in ]
your life...dot-dot-dot." ]
WICHITA
You're good. Oh God, look at Jerry
Rice over there.
The counselors approach Todd, who is tossing a football in
the air and then bobbling it to the ground.
JASPER
You're a little harsh on Todd. You're
a little harsh on everybody. I know ]
you like to think of yourself as ]
the Anti-Oberon, but man, you're ]
getting just as spooky. What was ]
that speech in there? Does Camp really ]
have to be a revolutionary act? Can't ]
the children, at their own pace, ]
discover... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Yeah, okay, I was a little out of ]
hand, but come on, you got to give
me Todd. Don't get me wrong, I've
learned to love the little Piggy,
but Todd is the most invincible loser
I've ever come across. His greatest
talent is lack thereof. No matter ]
what the category, bet against him ]
and win. ]
JASPER
Stop, stop...I'm willing to put my
mouth where my mouth is...I throw
one overhand pass and Todd catches
it-- dramatic pause--You let me go
down on you...
WICHITA
Hello?! What's in it for me?
JASPER
Thanks a lot. Seriously though, by
winning this bet, you will prove
to the world that you indeed know
everything. Isn't the rush of
gambling on your cynical philosophy
of life enough?
WICHITA ]
(beat) ]
Yes. It is. But let's throw in you ]
having to write the camper ]
evaluations for the entire cabin. ]
]
JASPER ]
Shit...Deal. ]
WICHITA
Sorry Jasper, this handshake is as
hot as it's going to get.
Post-handshake, Jasper takes the ball from Todd, who waddles
ahead fifteen feet. Jasper cocks back to pass.
JASPER
Go back for a pass, Todd. I know
you can catch it, buddy.
TODD
Sure, Jasper.
WICHITA
(deliciously)
Todd. Don't drop it.
In slow motion, Jasper arcs a perfect pass right toward
Todd's chest. The ball semi-comically hangs in the air
forever. The surrounding campers turn to watch with gaping ]
mouths. Jasper rips out a piece of dental floss and ]
confidentially brings it up to his mouth. Wichita has a ]
flicker of doubt.
Going back to regular speed, Todd drops the ball, then shouts
out, adorably hapless.
TODD
Ooh--Almost!
JASPER
(quietly)
Yeah, "almost," you fat fuck.
Wichita cackles and struts off, picking up the discarded ]
football. Jasper sighs. Suddenly, AN AMIABLY UNGORGEOUS COOK ]
sidles up beside him. ]
]
JASPER ]
Oh hi, Charlie. Excellent Eggs ]
Benedict this morning. ]
]
COOK ]
Thanks. I know I'm just the Camp ]
Cook and I know I'm not all ]
smoldering like that Wichita. But, ]
for what it's worth, I'm gay. ]
]
JASPER ]
Why did you wait until the last day ]
of camp to tell me? ]
]
COOK ]
I figured you wouldn't be interested. ]
]
JASPER ]
40 days without--Let me see your ]
teeth. ]
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF MESS HALL EXTERIOR--DAY
Wichita rounds the outside of the mess hall, tossing the ]
football to himself, humming. He gets a glimpse of Wendy ]
and Pixel in heated discussion around the corner. Wichita
recoils back, letting the football drop to the ground.
PIXEL ]
Okay, let's go through it again... ]
]
WENDY ]
This is so silly, Pixel. ]
PIXEL
You want to know if Wichita's love
is true. I can think of nothing less
silly. I approach Wichita at the
beach, tell him he needs to go to
the woods...
WENDY
It'll never work...
Pressed against the brick around the corner, a lip-biting
Wichita eavesdrops, absolutely enthralled.
PIXEL
You'll be hiding behind a tree.
WENDY
The oak where Jocelyn sprained her
ankle.
PIXEL
Exactly. When we get into the
clearing, I'll turn on my sexy moves.
Wichita will go for it or he'll shoot
me down. Either way, you come away
with knowledge.
WENDY ]
(resigned sigh) ]
Let's do it up. ]
]
To the sound of their retreating footsteps, Wichita exhales ]
a tickled chuckle. Strangely though, his beaming face ]
deteriorates into a rock-hard-serious expression. ]
EXT. THE BEACH--DAY ]
]
Sitting on the beach, Wichita has maintained his eerie, ]
stone faced expression as the camp merrily gallivants around ]
him. Pixel's shadow envelopes him. ]
PIXEL (O.S.)
Wichita--the Thomas Twins are
missing. Somebody said they saw
them run into the forest. Can you
help me?
EXT. THE WOODS--DAY
In alluring bathing suitage, face scrunched in mock-concern,
Pixel leads Wichita through the forest. She stops in a
clearing for some borderline bad acting.
PIXEL
Hmmm...I wonder where those two
rascals could be...
Wichita gives a glance to a nearby massive Oak.
BEHIND THE OAK
Wendy eeks around the back to see Wichita move closer to
Pixel, who is nastily fingering her bathing suit straps.
THE CLEARING
PIXEL
Now that were in the middle of
nowhere, aren't you a little curious
to know what it'd be like to...
Wichita abruptly yanks Pixel into a passionately passionless
kiss. His eyes are wide open. So are Pixel's. She watches
Wendy quiver out from around the tree in shock.
WENDY ]
No! No...You...you...God damn you! ]
Wichita tears Pixel away with a cold stare. He closes his
eyes, swallows hard, then turns to see Wendy bolt away.
EXT. THE BEACH--DAY ]
]
The counselors and campers continue to cut an idyllic image ]
on the beach, playing, splashing, relaxing. ]
]
The new, laid-back Adam lazily catches some rays, reading ]
some gooey Women-are-from-Venus self-help book. Pixel ]
scampers up in a breathless delirium. ]
]
ADAM ]
Where have you been, babe? ]
]
PIXEL ]
Watch this--the empire is ]
crumbling... ]
]
A weeping Wendy tears into the Beach Party postcard, stopping ]
at the water's edge. Wichita storms up behind her. Frisbees ]
drop. Sandcastles collapse. The camp extinguishes their ]
beach blanket bingo to watch their model of romantic love ]
rupture. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Wendy--I'm sorry--Wend-- ]
]
WENDY ]
How could you--how could--I gave ]
you ever-y-thing! I gave you parts ]
of myself I never even knew I had! ]
]
WICHITA ]
Wendy, I never meant to... ]
]
Wendy connects with a savage punch to Wichita's stomach that ]
leaves him and the rest of the beach gasping. ]
OBERON ]
]
is revealed in the bushes at the back of the beach, watching ]
through binoculars. He swings his viewpoint from the Wendy- ]
Wichita fight to a small canoe... ]
ON THE WATER ]
]
Unaware of the goings-on sandside, Tracy, the epileptic girl, ]
has her arms around Two Best Buddies, belting out a silly ]
song, while standing on a canoe. She starts to vibrate into
a seizure.
THE BEACH ]
]
Oberon lowers his binoculars and howls. Wichita and Wendy ]
truce their war to take notice of him. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Big Chief Oberon has awakened. What ]
is he... ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh look, that girl you got on your ]
payroll is doing her seizure act ]
again... ]
The expression on Wichita's face tells the viewer what is
already known. That this is no act.
ON THE WATER ]
]
Tracey falls. Her head bashes against the side of the boat ]
on the way down into the water. ]
ON THE BEACH ]
]
Wichita instantly breaks from his stupor and lightnings into ]
the water. ]
]
The rest of the counselors charge onto the pier. Wichita ]
aches Tracy the epileptic girl's body up out of the water. ]
Talia cuts in before an impressed African-American
SuperCounselor and takes over with paramedic poise. Mouth
to mouthing. Shaking Tracy awake.
TALIA
Tracy, can you hear me? Okay good,
that's it, that's right, cough it
out. We're going to the infirmary,
honey...
Tracy coughs to consciousness. Talia hefts Tracy up and
hustles her away.
WICHITA ]
]
is still in the water in his clothes, utterly unnerved. He ]
sinks below the surface. ]
ON THE PIER ]
]
The counselors watch Epileptic Tracy being carried away into ]
the forest. Wendy rumbles...then erupts. ]
]
WENDY ]
Can't you see...We've been selfishly ]
clawing for any thrill we can get ]
with a reckless, putrid disregard ]
to safety and morality and...and ]
now we are being punished! Rightfully ]
punished! ]
]
PIXEL ]
Oh, please. Epileptic Girls should ]
always wear life preservers. End ]
of story. Let's dance. ]
EXT. THE AREA BEFORE THE BOYS CABINS--NIGHT ]
]
The area before the cabins has been done up with cheesy ]
hanging lights. A vicious rocker pounds from a crappy stereo ]
system worked by Donald. The Upper and Lower Income Latin ]
Boys from the opening are doing an intense lip-sync, sharing ]
a mike before the wildly-badly dancing crowd. ]
OUTSKIRTS OF DANCE AREA ]
]
Talia and Hayley are crashed on some cabin steps. They are ]
silent and a little sad. ]
]
HAYLEY ]
I wish you were my Mom. ]
]
TALIA ]
I think you mean to say: attractive, ]
glamorous, older sister... ]
]
They softly, sweetly titter. Fanning herself, a sweaty Pixel ]
huffs up from the dance floor. ]
]
PIXEL
Talia, get away from her, I told
you, Hayley's my favorite--
TALIA
Mine!
HAYLEY
You guys have been so colossal...
PIXEL
Don't forget, when you get home,
O.B.'s. They're created by a female
gynecologist.
TALIA
Yeah, an insane female gynecologist!
Hayley, don't listen to her.
PIXEL
They're the easiest to shoplift,
okay? No woman should have to pay
for something forced-on-her-without-
choice by Nature...what's the matter,
Hayley? ]
]
As they playfully bicker, Hayley gazes, with a tinge of ]
longing, to Vanessa and the Bombshellettes parked at a picnic ]
table, flirting up a storm with their cute-boy-counterparts. ]
]
TALIA ]
What do you think--it's the Last ]
Night of Camp Dance. ]
]
PIXEL ]
What are you saying? She doesn't need ]
some boy to validate her summer ]
experience! ]
]
TALIA ]
Oh of course she does, you dumb ]
bitch. Just because we're feminist, ]
doesn't mean we have to be totally ]
abnormal. ]
]
PIXEL ]
Hayley back me up... ]
]
HAYLEY ]
(sheepish) ]
One dance would be kind of ]
nice...Don't hate me, Pixel. ]
]
PIXEL ]
(smiling) ]
I don't. Now go away, Talia and I ]
need to huddle... ]
DANCE AREA ]
]
Briefly lowering the musique, Donald takes the microphone. ]
]
DONALD ]
You asked for it. You're scared of ]
it. You got it--the last slow dance ]
of the summer--in ten minutes. You ]
have been warned. Act accordingly. ]
]
The campers stop and shudder as if hit with an ]
electromagnetic pulse. They gulp and move toward one another ]
as Donald cranks back up with a happy tune. ]
]
Looking and feeling unfestive, Wichita enters the arena. ]
His eyes rove over the Last Dance ambiance. The African- ]
American SuperCounselor and her big Stoner Lug beau stroll ]
by, touchingly holding hands, with matching paper mache ]
roses. Adam sidles beside Wichita for contemplation. ]
]
ADAM ]
Get a load of those two. Still in ]
the kissy-hand holdy stage. Pretty ]
pathetic, huh? ]
]
WICHITA ]
(wistful beat) ]
Yeah...Have you seen Wendy? ]
INT. THE KITCHEN--NIGHT
A slam-cut away from the dance, into the kitchen. Wendy,
in an eerie black turtleneck, pounds a vast scattering of
multi-colored tablets into dust with a meat tenderizer. She
sweeps the chemical powder into the familiar thermos.
EXT. THE DANCE--NIGHT ]
]
The campers continue to adorably-awkwardly couple up. Pixel ]
and Talia look on like Wall Street brokers. ]
]
PIXEL ]
You're right, you're right, that's ]
a good match. Pam never speaks and ]
Martin can't shut up. Hurry, what ]
about Hayley... ]
]
TALIA ]
I don't know, I don't know, Hayley ]
seems to get along with Simon... ]
]
PIXEL ]
The Christian kid who wants to lead ]
advertiser boycotts when he grows ]
up...Oh please, somebody a little ]
more jalapeno than that. ]
]
TALIA ]
When you said find someone for ]
Hayley, you did mean "dancing," ]
right? ]
]
PIXEL ]
Yeah, yeah, but it wouldn't hurt ]
for her to feel something small and ]
firm rub up against her leg. ]
]
TALIA ]
Jesus Pixel...How about bedwetter ]
Ted? Good-looking. Clever. And it'll ]
be my insurance that they don't end ]
up in the sack together. ]
]
PIXEL ]
Nice, nice, Hayley is always looking ]
at Ted and she's too cool to tease ]
about the urine thing. Let's work ]
it. We'll each tell one that the ]
other thinks they're cute... ]
]
TALIA ]
Let's go--Oh, and I know who's ]
perfect for Darlene... ]
]
Taking to the crowd, Talia and Pixel burst from each other, ]
revealing behind them: Adam leading one of his campers ]
through a practice slow dance with Bob Dole grace as other ]
Adam-Campers study from the side. ]
]
ADAM ]
A slow dance is a light moving hug. ]
Don't force anything. Be her shadow. ]
]
Adam glances to Jasper, who raises up a cup in a "toast" ]
motion. Adam tries to glower, but half-smiles. ]
JASPER ]
]
sips his cup and turns to Caleb. ]
]
CALEB ]
She's just going to say no. Or laugh. ]
What was it like the first time you ]
asked a girl to slow-dance? ]
]
JASPER ]
I'll have to get back to you on that ]
one... ]
]
CALEB ]
I really feel I can talk to you. ]
My parents never give answers to ]
me. ]
]
JASPER ]
Parents don't give answers; they ]
just ask questions about your ]
questions...Caleb, you're a good ]
guy. Dorothy's going to like you. ]
]
Jasper watches Caleb head to Crush-Girl Dorothy. Jasper turns ]
to his other side where Andrew cheekily sits. ]
]
JASPER ]
Why aren't you out there? ]
]
ANDREW ]
Is that an invitation? ]
]
JASPER ]
(out-Jaspered) ]
No. It's not. ]
]
ANDREW ]
Girls dance together. Why can't ]
guys... ]
]
JASPER ]
Well, actually they can. But ]
not...uh, I have to go check on the ]
next song... ]
BY THE DJ AREA ]
]
Donald presses a button and an Acid Jazzy version of ]
"Kumbaya" comes over the speakers. Donald turns to poignantly ]
watch the young and younger couples clumsily come together. ]
]
The bespectacled Donaldish Cosmo is dancing with his ]
rendezvous partner. He gives Donald a salute, which the ]
counselor sadly returns. Suddenly, wordlessly, the darkly ]
garbed Wendy appears and pulls Donald out onto the dance ]
floor dirt. ]
A SPEEDY MONTAGE OUT OF NOWHERE
A STRING OF CAMPER FACES continue the same sentence.
DANCING FEMALE CAMPER ONE
Why did you wait--
DANCING MALE CAMPER ONE
until the last day of camp--
DANCING FEMALE CAMPER TWO
to tell me that you--
DANCING MALE CAMPER TWO
liked me.
MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR DIRT ]
]
Bedwetter Ted and Hayley drift, quite relaxed in each other's ]
arms. The red-capped Teaser from his cabin shouts out, while ]
dancing with Vanessa. ]
]
RED-CAPPED TEASER ]
Hey Bedwetter Ted, too bad your dry ]
spell's over. I hope you remembered ]
your diaper, dude. ]
]
Losing a smile, Adam focuses upon the Red-capped jerk with ]
a look of death. The viewer curls to Adam's dance partner, ]
Pixel. Pixel's eyes float down the backside of Wendy. ]
]
Wendy's partner, Donald, floats on air, his face beaming ]
out of control. The viewer's viewpoint twists around to the ]
stony of expression of Wendy. She is, in turn, glaring out ]
to Wichita and Talia dancing together. ]
]
Wichita and Talia feel the chill. ]
]
TALIA ]
Br-r-r. Nice show at the beach this ]
afternoon. What's this little tift ]
about? ]
]
WICHITA ]
You don't want to know... ]
]
TALIA ]
I believe you. You know I'm still ]
pissed off...I thought this summer ]
we would really get to know each ]
other more than ever. ]
]
WICHITA ]
We did, Talia. One way or the other. ]
Did you get into Livingston's class ]
next semester? ]
]
TALIA ]
Yeah. You too? When we get back to ]
the city, we should... ]
(looking off) ]
Oh my God, there goes Amber again. ]
I gotta go be a counselor... ]
]
Talia rushes off. "Kumbaya" ends and is replaced by a robust ]
punk ditty. The couples go into tribal writhing. ]
The abandoned Wichita's attention is pulled to the sight
of Eric planting his dance partner on a chair. With queasy
awareness, Wichita watches Eric give her an "I'll be right
back" gesture. The mentor's eyes follow the protoge to the
punch bowl where Eric flirts with some other girls.
Wichita scans back to Eric's dance partner beginning to feel
restless and unwanted. After a squirming beat, Eric finally
neck-touches the Girl from behind. Wichita sadly realizes,
just as the viewer does, that he has taught Eric well. Dark
Wendy breaks Wichita's concentration, clutching a lantern
and the fateful thermos.
WENDY
Come on...
DONALD
sees Wichita and Wendy vanish into the woods.
DONALD
Hey, where are they...
ADAM
Where do you think? The woods. Tender
goodbyes and what-have-you.
DONALD ]
What about the fight on the beach... ]
PIXEL
Can you cover for us, Donald?
DONALD
Not like I got anything better to
do.
ADAM
Don't worry, we'll help you get the
ponies back in the stables. Okay
campers, party's over..!
Adam pounds off the music. The campers let off an en-masse
groan as Adam lemmings them back to their cabins.
GENERIC DANCING CAMPER ]
No fair! ]
]
ERIC ]
Yeah, you counselors are just going ]
off to make out in the woods. ]
]
ADAM ]
Among other things...Move it! ]
]
Holding lanterns, the African-American SuperCounselor and ]
the Big Stoner Lug sheepishly come up behind a starting-to- ]
clean-up Donald. ]
]
AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMPETENT COUNSELOR ]
Donald, we don't want to leave you ]
alone with all the campers... ]
]
BIG STONER LUG ]
But... ]
]
DONALD ]
Get out of here you two crazy kids... ]
]
Donald sweetly smiles as they scamper through the trees. ]
DONALD
Well Jasper, my one and only
homosexual friend, it looks like
it's just you and me tonight.
Donald turns around to see Jasper approaching, holding hands
with the Cook, who is holding a lantern.
DONALD
The cook? Charlie, the cook?
JASPER
Don't laugh.
(Nathan Lane)
He's the only thing on the menu I'm
allowed to eat.
COOK
(good-natured laugh)
Ouch.
DONALD
Go on, girlfriend...
EXT. THE MESS HALL ROOF--NIGHT ]
]
In a Moses pose atop the MESS HALL roof, Oberon looks out ]
to a constellation of beaming lanterns scattering over the ]
dark expanse of forest each representing a trysting couple. ]
]
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
So many lanterns...Too much, too ]
quickly...The organism needed a major ]
readjustment... ]
EXT. BY A ROCK BY THE CREEK WITH WICHITA AND WENDY--NIGHT
Sucking a cigarette, Wendy puts the lantern and the thermos
in the crevice of a large rock. She sulks to the side of
the creek as Wichita nervously skips rocks across the water.
WENDY
Ah, our last night at camp...I always
knew it would be something special.
WICHITA
What do you want me to say?
WENDY
Something more interesting than
that...How could you? How could--!
WICHITA
Stop! Stop it, this afternoon was
not what you thought...I overheard
you and Pixel, at the side of the
mess hall, your idea about the
"test"...Do you believe me?
WENDY
(devastated shrug)
Iunno.
(quiet strength)
Of course I believe you. It's so
you...I didn't think it was possible ]
for you to make me feel worse, ]
but...you're saying you deliberately ]
destroyed us! I don't even get I'm- ]
sorry-it-was-the-heat-of-the- ]
moment... ]
]
WICHITA ]
I know, I'm...I'm evil. ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh that's right, baby, you're so ]
"evil." You're, you're so "dark"... ]
]
WICHITA ]
We should get back. ]
]
WENDY ]
You're not evil or dark...you're ]
just scared. ]
WICHITA
Shut the fuck--!
Wichita spins, hurling a rock with unconscious rage. It ]
shatters the lantern sending the ex-couple into darkness. ]
EXT. THE NON-SEXUAL COUPLE'S PATCH OF THE FOREST--NIGHT ]
]
The Stoner Lug helps the African-American SuperCounselor ]
scrape her initials within a heart upon the bark of a pine. ]
They step back to behold their achievement, then seal it ]
with a kiss. ]
]
The viewer's viewpoint floats back from the smooching ]
counselors to show all the nearby trees similarly marked ]
with previously etched hearts/initials. ]
EXT. ANOTHER PATCH OF THE WOOOS--NIGHT
Rising from a campfire, Adam launches into "Last Night
together" romantic maneuvers. Pixel is pretty bored.
ADAM
It's funny, when I first met you
I thought you were such a weirdo...I
still think you're a nut, but you're
my nut.
PIXEL
Yeah...Are we going to do it or what?
I still haven't packed.
ADAM
Why are you being so grouchy--This
is an important night for us...
PIXEL
Adam. Dollface. We had a physical
relationship that served a purpose
and now...
ADAM
But, but that was before we started
sharing stuff. Before I told you
how I cried when Peepers died. I
never told anyone that before.
PIXEL
And this Peepers was your...dog? If
it makes you feel better, I probably
wasn't paying attention.
ADAM
That doesn't make me feel better!
Why are you being like this?
PIXEL
Don't raise your voice at--I gave
you the ultimate male fantasy--sex,
nothing on the side. Don't pretend
we shared anything other than fluids.
ADAM
Stop it, stop it, you satanic whore!
Adam spins Pixel by her elbows, slamming her spine against
a tree. She lets off a more amused-than-angered yelp.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BOYS' CABINS--NIGHT
Donald sweeps up post-dance debris. A radio sputters.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (RADIO)
You keep requesting it. We keep
playing it-- "Oh, my unforgettable
Summer Love."
The overpoweringly overplayed ballad again cuts into the
air. Donald sadly warbles along with it--then angrily stomps
up and begins changing channels. But every channel is playing
some part of the song. He bangs off the radio. But the song
can still be faintly heard from his cabin.
INT. DONALD'S CABIN--NIGHT
Donald bashes into his room. A nightstand radio has been
left on-- the ballad wails to a crescendo. Donald batters
the radio and rends open the desk drawer full of unopened
condom boxes.
Donald dunks the drawer contents onto his bed. He then whips
open his closet, revealing yet another awesome array of
condomage--pristine boxes lined up like an encyclopedia set.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BOYS CABINS--NIGHT
Donald flaps out a bedspreadful of prophylactics to the
ground and wrenches up the microphone.
DONALD ]
All right, stop pretending to be ]
asleep and get out here! ]
Donald meticulously removes a single condom and glides to
a water pump. He fills the rubber with water as the Male
Campers plow from the cabins and the females cascade down
the stairs.
EXT. BY THE ROCK BY THE CREEK--NIGHT
The lit tip of Wendy's cigarette is the only thing visible. ]
]
WICHITA (V.O.) ]
Sorry about that. If we just stay ]
to the edge of the creek, we can... ]
]
WENDY (V.O.) ]
Oh, sweetie, you're not getting away ]
that easily...I set up some stuff ]
a little earlier in the evening: ]
twigs, a little kerosene what-have- ]
you... ]
]
Wendy flicks the cigarette through the air where it ignites ]
a kerosene drenched mountain of branches. Wichita violently ]
recoils at the chilling bonfire. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Uh, okay, this is getting twisted... ]
]
WENDY ]
I thought that's the way you like ]
it. You're not getting "normal" ]
on me, are ya? ]
The bizarrely illuminated Wendy and Wichita attack and
retreat-from each other like magnets.
WICHITA ]
Wendy, damnit, will you just--turn ]
this fire off! Stop acting like this ]
is the most important conversation ]
in the world... ]
]
WENDY ]
But it is. What conversation could ]
be more important--eight white guys ]
sitting around a conference table ]
arguing about tax hikes and budget ]
cuts? We are two people who gave each
other their hearts. Two people who
knew they were not alike, but...
(clapping hands) ]
Fucking mosquitoes! We challenged ]
each other--we created ideas!--we ]
were about to change the world, but ]
instead we threw it all away to have ]
sex a bunch of times. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Do you hear how pretentious you sound? ]
]
WENDY ]
Ooh, "pretentious." Yeah, I have ]
pretensions, you dick! You just want ]
to tear everything down without ]
putting anything else back up. ]
WICHITA
What do you want from me? You want
the good stuff. You want to know
that my father, in the three years ]
before he died, only had custody ]
of me for the summer and he sent ]
me to camp. You want to hear that ]
I thought that was the only decent ]
thing he ever did. Here's another ]
good one: I was misdiagnosed as ]
schizophrenic at 14 and given a bunch ]
of poison that almost killed me. ]
Keep going? ]
]
WENDY ]
Oh Wichita... ]
]
WICHITA ]
Don't "Oh Wichita" me. I refused ]
to be defined by such bullshit ]
trivia. I take that back, I'm defined ]
by that shit and all sorts of other ]
shit that you can't rip out of me. ]
I don't want to be cured! That's what
makes me a good camp counselor,
because I protect who I am and I
pass that on. I make the kids
question things; I teach them how
to get through life, decode it,
attack it...
WENDY ]
There's got to be more to living ]
than surviving... ]
Wendy turns to her thermos, lit up against the rock. She
dramatically floats toward it.
INT. MAIN BATHROOM--NIGHT
]
The viewer tracks across a line of sinks where adrenaline- ]
geysering campers expertly fill condoms and water balloons. ]
At the end of the line, Donald confers with expert ]
Troublemaker Billy. ]
]
TROUBLEMAKER BILLY ]
Always aim for the face. When it ]
comes to water balloons, a body hit ]
is pointless. ]
]
DONALD ]
Thanks, Billy. Coach the others. ]
THE KIDS ]
]
inventively store their water weapons into bags, fanny packs, ]
sweatshirt pouches, and backpacks. ]
LATER OUTSIDE THE BOYS CABINS
Donald marches before a perfectly positioned military
regiment of campers. Very Kurosawa. Rubbing sleep from her
eyes, Talia floats in from the back, dazed at the epic sight.
DONALD
All the magazine polls say that the
trait most looked for in a lover
is a "sense of humor"! Now that's
funny! I'm the most hilarious fucking
guy in the world and I have never
touched a human breast! But I digress,
let's do this attack for all of us
who have ever been told "Wait here,
while the rest of us have all the
fun." For all of us who have been
told "You're too young and uncool
to understand." Let's do this attack
because it's not like we have
anything better to do tonight. Are
you with me?
Raising a water weapon into the air, the campers erupt into
a terrifying roar. Led by Id-unleashing Donald, the soldiers
besiege the forest.
Talia holds in a laugh and then is handed a condom weapon ]
by Hayley. With a cheerful shrug, she follows. ]
EXT. THE MESS HALL ROOF--NIGHT
Oberon continues to pace the edge of the mess hall roof,
mumbling out loud to himself.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
In all the excitement, came to some, ]
uh, last-night-epiphanies of my ]
own... ]
OBERON
What was I thinking, taking all this
time off, playing God? Nobody tells
you how to be an adult. But you just
keep getting older anyway. That girl
almost died! We needed an authority
figure on that beach today! Is it
too much to ask for a little order!
Is it too much to...
A swooshing rainbow constellation of condoms and water
balloons rocket up into a raging Oberon, crashing him to
his knees. Oberon looks down to the unleashed little beasts ]
of Camp Bleeding Squaw scrambling on the ground below. Oberon ]
completely clicks to his past persona. ]
]
OBERON ]
You children should be in bed! That's ]
it, I'm subtracting major points! ]
EXT. THE NON-SEXUAL COUPLE'S PATCH OF THE FOREST--NIGHT ]
]
The camper army makes a swift ninja sweep through the ]
romantically carved-up forest. ]
]
The Stoner Lug and the African-American SuperCounselor break ]
from each other and drop their smiles. Lined across like ]
an execution squad, the campers fire away with their water ]
packed weapons. The counselors slam back against their ]
initialed tree. ]
EXT. ADAM AND PIXEL'S PATCH IN THE WOODS--NIGHT
Adam's hands launch up to Pixel's neck and begin squeezing.
ADAM
You think you're so...but you're
just...
PIXEL
That's it, Adam, pretend it's one
of those arcade things, the tighter
you squeeze, the more of a man you
are...Ooh, that's it.
ADAM ]
You meant something to me! I'm almost ]
sure of it. Damn you! ]
Adam tries to tighten his stranglehold...but he is suddenly
obliterated by a fleet of swooshing water balloon/condoms.
Pixel's laughter is cut off as she too is bombarded by the
camper commandos.
Billy makes a particularly severe throw. Adam grabs his eyes
in pain.
ADAM
Damnit, spermicidally lubricated!
EXT. AN UNSEEN AS YET PART OF THE WILDERNESS--NIGHT
The demon campers bound up over a ridge. Suddenly, they halt,
silencing their deafening battle cry. Before them, Jasper
and the Cook are necking on a blanket in the woods.
Everyone blinks, then instantly goes back into terrorist-
mode, projecting their water balloonage down upon the gay
lovers with equal-opportunity malicious glee.
Side by side, Caleb and Dorothy the Crush-girl, drop their
unthrown balloons with a tragic thud. The savages retreat
past them, wailing in delight.
EXT. BY THE ROCK BY THE CREEK--NIGHT
Wendy's fingers spider around the noxious thermos. She takes
it out from the crevice and unscrews the lid. She then pours
herself some hemlock.
WENDY ]
Have you ever thought of instead ]
of making children more equipped ]
for reality, we should make reality ]
more equipped for children? ]
WICHITA
No. Fuck no. If you met yourself
as a child, would you hug her and
say everything's going to be okay...
WENDY
Yes! God yes! I would tell her that
I love her! To not let anyone take
away her dreams..!
WICHITA ]
You should grab her and shake her ]
and tell her it's a goddamn war out ]
there. Idiots and assholes and ]
sadists that must be defeated. Tell ]
them her the truth! ]
]
WENDY ]
The truth is a lie! Yes, television ]
is rotting our brains! Yes, people ]
kill people easier than ever! Does ]
that mean we give up! I think every ]
child is capable of being talented, ]
happy, and great. I'm probably wrong, ]
but you know something, it's good ]
to be wrong. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(stung to the core) ]
You might be right...Wendy, you're ]
fantastic. I can't stop adoring ]
you... ]
(mild dementia) ]
What I thought was lust, was only ]
love...You think I'm scared, scared ]
of love...Love conquers all...Maybe ]
I don't want to be conquered. "Share ]
my life"--I barely got enough for ]
myself...But we were in the picture ]
together...the picture.... ]
]
WENDY ]
What are you talking about? What ]
picture... ]
]
WICHITA
Just forget--You didn't bring me
out here to help me change. You
brought me out here to punish me.
WENDY
Nobody really changes at summer camp.
They merely find out who they are
and become it more than ever. You
can't be helped, Wichita. I'm not
sure you can be punished, either.
But let's find out...
WICHITA ]
How do you mean? ]
She raises up the cup. Wichita is petrified by her intensity.
WENDY ]
Two billion years of evolution and ]
you're what we've come up with-- ]
"Wichita"--the hot, cool, tell-it- ]
like-it-is counselor with a dark ]
side. ]
WICHITA
What are you doing, Wendy? What's
in that cup?
WENDY ]
"Wichita"--The guy every boy wants ]
to be and every girl wants to hold. ]
You're the love of my life and the ]
end of the world. Cheers. ]
Wendy brings the cup to her lips. A brilliantly precise water
balloon spectacularly smashes it from her hands.
Eric turns to a beaming Todd.
ERIC
Great shot! Todd, I think we finally
found something you totally suck
at. High-five!
TODD
(to Eric's hand)
Don't touch me.
DONALD
Now!
The two boys and the rest of the camp rabidly turn and launch
a water balloon blitzkrieg at the traumatized leads. Talia
enthusiastically fires away at Wendy, while Donald
satisfyingly scores direct hits upon Wichita.
OUT OF BLACK--EXT. THE WOODS JUST OUTSIDE THE CABINS--NIGHT
To the sound of lyrical banjo strumming, the drenched and
discombobulated counselors emerge from the forest.
INT. ADAM'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
Adam slicks back his wet hair, making it look as short as ]
it originally was. He fo-fums past his sleeping campers to ]
focus upon the Teaser from the dance floor, snoozing while ]
still wearing his familiar red cap. Adam unzips his pants. ]
A streaming sound is heard. ]
EXT. THE PORCH OF DONALD'S CABIN--NIGHT ]
]
A very content Donald is revealed to be playing the banjo ]
upon his porch. Banging water from his ear, Wichita pauses ]
before the porch. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Have a good time, tonight, Donald? ]
]
DONALD ]
Yes. Nice of you to ask. ]
]
WICHITA ]
Pretty enthusiastic balloon tossing. ]
You have a thing for Wendy, don't ]
you? All this time, sharing my ]
feelings with the competition... ]
]
Donald stops playing the banjo. ]
]
DONALD ]
I'm not the competition. I'm ]
just...me. A person shouldn't be ]
allowed to have a crush on someone ]
they don't have a chance with. A ]
buzzer should go off, like when your ]
seat belt is not on. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(a smile) ]
I'm gonna miss you, Donald Dark. ]
]
DONALD ]
Wichita...How could you hurt her-- ]
how could you hurt yourself. I had ]
one slow dance with Wendy and for ]
me, that made for a great summer. ]
You did everything with her--and ]
you're still not satisfied. I don't ]
understand. I guess I never want to ]
be that cool-- I mean, Wendy is a ]
dream come true. ]
]
WICHITA ]
(sudden venting) ]
That's right, Daffy. A dream. I ]
have a lot of them...Lot of dreams... ]
]
A little unconvinced of himself, Wichita smokes off. Donald ]
raises back up his banjo and starts playing again. Faster. ]
INT. OBERON'S OFFICE--NIGHT ]
]
To the sound of this more malevolent music, a waterlogged ]
Oberon bangs into the disarray of his office. Trembling, ]
Oberon heaves up the crashed bookshelf from the ground and ]
carefully places in it a lone, discarded camp workbooklet. ]
]
Oberon catches his reflection in a mirror. He touches his ]
beard. Oberon then opens the mirror, revealing a shiny pair ]
of scissors. ]
THE NEXT MORNING
The mirror closes on the scissors. Oberon smoothes his now ]
completely shaven face. With a familiarly severe expression, ]
the director sweeps across his now completely clean and
sterile office and tugs on his head-set.
OBERON
Camp is over. Rise. Shine. Now. You
can pick up all your "missing" crap ]
in the mess hall. Move it. ]
INT. THE ADAM'S CABIN--DAY ]
]
The Red Capped Teaser awakens and adjusts his trademark head- ]
piece. He smells something. Feels something. Screaming as ]
if it were a severed horse's head, he whips off his sheet, ]
revealing a vivid urine stain. The campers laugh away. ]
]
Bedwetter Ted smiles toward Adam, but Adam moodily shuts ]
his duffel and pounds out the door. ]
INT. WENDY AND PIXEL'S PART OF THE CABIN--DAY
Wendy and Pixel are engaged in a deep, open-mouthed kiss.
Wendy's face contorts away into a snicker.
WENDY
I'm sorry. It just...It seems silly.
Like kissing a girl.
PIXEL
Clever observation. Go back to
Wichita. Oh that's right, you can't.
A wobbly Wendy lights up a cigarette and begins to pack.
And to cry. Pixel exhales, with a twinge of self-anger.
PIXEL
...sorry...
WENDY
This is not the way it was supposed
to-- I was going to start writing
a children's book using input from
all-- I don't even like smoking!
The flustered Wendy stomps her cigarette. She proceeds to
pluck and pack her family pictures from the wall.
PIXEL
One day they'll find a cure for AIDS.
They'll never find one for sex. It's
kind of funny, most movies and
stories with a bunch of camp
counselors has some serial psycho
in the woods with a chainsaw who
systematically butchers everybody
one by one.
WENDY
Yeah. And?
PIXEL
It's just funny...who needs a serial
psycho in the woods with a chainsaw
when we have ourselves.
Wendy gulps at Pixel's words, then turns back to the wall.
HER NIAGARA FALLS PICTURE HAS BEEN RIPPED. The image of the
boy she never knew was Wichita has been torn off.
EXT. WOODS LEADING INTO THE CENTER OF THE CAMP--DAY
Burning across the forest, mumbling to himself, Wichita pulls
out the ripped-off image of his Young Self and DEVOURS IT
IN HIS MOUTH.
The deadened counselor emerges into the madness at the center
of camp which can't help but resemble the madness of Day
1. Wichita drifts forth taking in the scattered sights of
baggage-grappling campers and counselors trading goodbye
hugs before humming buses. Eric scampers before Wichita.
ERIC
There you are! Man, I don't know how
to thank...
WICHITA
(grabbing Eric's shoulder)
Eric...You can't be like me. You
have to be better. I'm not the guy
you think I am...
ERIC
(having none of it)
Of course you are. You don't know
what I was like before I met you.
You're like the best counselor ever.
Eric breaks from Wichita's guilty grip and bustles to his
pals. Jolting them all, Oberon kicks Stanley's overflowing ]
duffel bag. ]
]
OBERON ]
Is that what you call packing your ]
gear? Sub-standard! You're not getting ]
on that bus until... ]
JASPER AND PIXEL ]
]
watch the re-brutalized Camp director from a distance. ]
]
JASPER ]
I actually kind of missed him. ]
]
PIXEL ]
You're kidding. ]
]
JASPER ]
Of course I'm kidding. See ya, ]
sweetie... ]
Jasper and Pixel hug goodbye. Andrew pops up behind Jasper
for a farewell of his own.
ANDREW
I'm gay. Like you didn't know.
JASPER
Andrew. You're not gay; you're ten.
You shouldn't even be having thoughts
like...
ANDREW
You mean you didn't have any gay
thoughts when you were my age...
JASPER
(of course he did)
Well, uh...Promise me you won't do
anything until you're 18.
ANDREW
Did you wait until you were 18?
Jasper lets off an involuntary spark of laughter that means ]
"You got to be kidding." Then grows serious. ]
]
JASPER ]
I can't remember. Andrew, this is ]
serious. If you do anything, I mean ]
anything, ever in your life, use ]
a condom. ]
]
ANDREW ]
Have you always used a condom? ]
JASPER
(firm, deadpan lie)
Yes.
ANDREW
I'll bet you're glad I waited until
the last day to have this
conversation.
JASPER
You have no idea. Now run away.
ADAM ]
]
is cut off by a giddy Bedwetter Ted. ]
]
BEDWETTER TED ]
Adam, that was awesome, what you ]
did back there, pissing in that ]
asshole's bed. Did you see the look ]
on... ]
]
ADAM ]
Get the fuck away from me. ]
]
Bedwetter Ted is stopped dead. Adam pounds forward, up to ]
Troublemaker Billy. ]
]
ADAM ]
Hey. Kid. Keep giving 'em hell. Don't ]
let anyone ever take a piece of you. ]
]
Adam takes off his whistle and drapes it over Billy's neck. ]
DONALD
snaps a perfectly framed picture of the passing of the ]
whistle then he rotates his camera-view to a forlorn, baggage
dragging Wendy and shutterclicks.
WENDY
Summer would have been a lot less
without you. You're a true friend,
Donald.
DONALD
Was there a night that I got really
drunk and declared that I never loved
anyone as much as I loved you?
WENDY
(half-smile)
No.
DONALD
That's good. I wouldn't have wanted
to embarrass myself.
Wendy flutters up to bestow Donald an exquisite kiss and
then shuffles over to a bus to stow her gear. She realizes
she is next to Talia. Both maneuver sleeping bags and ]
backpackage to get them to fit. Together, they crunch the ]
baggage door shut with an exhale. Followed by silence. ]
]
TALIA ]
I hate the cliche that two female ]
friends will tear each other apart ]
over a guy. ]
]
WENDY ]
Good thing we were never friends. ]
]
TALIA ]
(impressed) ]
Ooh--Wendy with the last minute sense ]
of humor. ]
]
WENDY ]
Hope you're not jealous of me. Me ]
and Wichita--I guess you heard. ]
]
TALIA ]
For what it's worth, Wendy, I find ]
you more interesting when you're ]
unhappy. ]
]
WENDY ]
Aren't we all... ]
The young women walk off together past the Kid with the
Cheesy-Computer-Picture-of-Himself on a T-shirt, clinging
to a bus door. Once again, his bawling face is a comic
mismatch with the beaming photo. Day One problem was getting
him off the bus. Day 40 problem is getting him on.
INT. INSIDE THE FIRST BUS--DAY
In the front row of the bus, the African-American ]
SuperCounselor and the big Stoner Lug are asleep in each ]
other's arms. Behind them, atypically-not-crying-or-kissing, ]
Amber, the Lovelorn Girl, sits beside a weeping Cute Boy. ]
]
WEEPING CUTE BOY ]
But I loved you so much... ]
]
AMBER, THE LOVELORN GIRL ]
You'll live. ]
Across from that pair, Jasper makes eye-contact, through
the window, with a sour Caleb. Caleb gives him the finger,
mouthing the word "Fag." Jasper sadly grits his teeth.
Dorothy, the Crush Girl sits herself next to Jasper and
silently, tenderly, puts her head on his shoulder.
OUTSIDE BUS ONE
Pixel is craftily unPixelating a line of girls--scissoring
off the mini-braid from each girl's hair (a pile forms in
the dirt) and rubbing-alcohol-cotton swabbing off each girl's
tattoo. She sees Adam moodily staring upon her from the bus.
She gives him a pinkie wave.
AT THE BACK OF THE BUS ]
]
Adam turns away from the glass and strenuously pushes his ]
hair back. The Endlessly Muttering Girl seats herself down ]
next to him to haywire his thoughts. ]
]
MUTTERING GIRL ]
My-uncle-used-to-drive-the-Grand- ]
Canyon-Bus-but-he-was-fired- ]
because-he-slapped-an-Australian. ]
My-favorite-food-is-Chinese-food, ]
my-second-favorite... ]
]
Adam glares to the girl and then bolts up. ]
OUTSIDE BUS ONE
In one sweeping gesture, Adam twists out and yanks the
Computer Image T-shirt Boy inside. The doors close
instantaneously behind and the bus roars away. Wendy runs
up beside it, but can't catch up. She turns to the other
bus with dread as Wichita can be seen clambering inside.
INT. INSIDE BUS 2--DAY
The Bombshellettes giggle together in one of the front seats. ]
Behind them, Hayley and Vanessa sit side-by-side in complete ]
silence. Words are not necessary to show how wide the chasm ]
between them has become. ]
]
Behind them a couple rows, Eric hands the ex-Golden Boy a ]
Pink Snowball. ]
]
RYAN, EX-GOLDEN BOY ]
Thanks Eric. I'll get you back, I ]
swear. ]
]
ERIC ]
Man, get some help. ]
Behind them, in opposing rows, Donald and Talia hold up checks.
TALIA ]
That was fun last night, Donald. ]
]
DONALD ]
Feel bad you turned me down on the ]
mountain? ]
]
TALIA ]
(intentionally deadpan) ]
No, but that was fun last night, ]
Donald. ]
(to check)
Another day. Another dollar.
Literally. I think I'll cash this
and buy myself a...pizza.
DONALD
Hey, we didn't do this for the money,
we did it for...help me out...
All eyes turn to a head-down Wendy thudding up the bus steps
and clumping down the aisle. The viewer can quickly discern
that the only open seat is next to a lone, brooding Wichita,
but Wendy is in denial. She shuffles all the way to the back
of the bus before retreating forward.
OBERON NARRATION (V.O.) ]
As long as it continues to feel good, ]
the young are not going to stop ]
taking drugs, getting drunk, having ]
sex, and watching crap media. Even ]
a parody of a grown-up like me knows ]
they're will never be a return to ]
old-fashioned values--But that ]
doesn't mean we won't get some new ]
fashioned ones. Coming of age in ]
the 21st century is less about the ]
loss of innocence, then the finding ]
of it. Wendy, Wichita, Talia, Adam, ]
Jasper, Pixel, and Donald Dark were ]
reborn this summer. And it hurt. ]
And that's good. ]
As if the seat were covered with needles, Wendy descends
next to Wichita. The bus immediately begins to lumber
forward. The ex-lovers stare straight ahead.
BACK AT THE CAMP
Oberon watches the buses rumble away. He clicks off his
stopwatch.
OBERON (V.O.) ]
"You'll learn the true meaning of ]
responsibility, while creating ]
memories that last a lifetime." The ]
workbooklet is not bullshitting. ]
It's just pretty fucking sketchy ]
on the details. ]
INT. BACK ON THE BUS--DAY
Turning to the zombie tableau of Wichita and Wendy, would-
be cheerer-upper Donald wobbles up with his camera.
DONALD
Oh no, I'm sorry, I refuse to go
out with this doom-and-gloom. I'm
getting a picture from you complex
individuals. Hold on, let's get
a kid in here...
Not really taking his eyes away from the camera, Donald
latches a child's arm in the aisle. With a shudder of fear,
Donald realizes he has grabbed Don't-Touch-Me Todd. Donald
cringes for a scream, but Todd calmly curls into a seated
position between the caught off-guard Wendy and Wichita.
DONALD
Now stop pretending you didn't have
any good times...Shooting stars.
Frogs down pants. Surely, at some
point, one of us watched a baby deer
being born. Come on...Smi-ile.
The members of the trio drift their heads forward. Look
ahead. Look down. Look around.
OBERON (V.O.) ]
I know, I know, our tale is supposed ]
to have a happy ending. Okay, this ]
may not be happy, but look on the ]
bright side, it's not an ending ]
either. Life is a lot like death, ]
it happens to everyone whether they ]
like it or not. It's going to be ]
beautiful-ugly, exciting-boring, ]
endless-abrupt-- So go ahead, smile. ]
God bless my counselors and campers, ]
in a small but significant forest- ]
in-the-middle-of-Oregon way, they ]
tried to destroy the cliches of ]
growing up and come up with some ]
better ones. Let's not get uptight ]
over their ultimate failure...I mean, ]
there's always next summer. ]
Wichita, Wendy, and Don't Touch-Me-Todd all momentarily creak
their heads up and form a valiant, bittersweet smile.
Donald snaps. The image freezes into a photograph.
INT. THE CENTER OF CAMP--A DAY NEXT SUMMER
Instantly multiplied, the photograph is now the cover picture
of the new Camp Workbooklet. NEXT YEAR'S SET OF COUNSELORS,
in their uniforms, are seated atop the center-of-camp rocks, ]
pretending to read the silly tome. Oberon's loudspeaker voice ]
crackles in the air, pretty much ignored. ]
]
OBERON (O.S.) ]
...no smoking, no drinking, no ]
climbing the mountain... ]
]
WISECRACKING FEMALE COUNSELOR ]
Can you believe this cover? Where ]
do they get these giddy freaks? ]
]
MALE COUNSELOR WITH ARTIFICIAL LEG ]
More importantly, what drugs do they ]
give them...And where can we get ]
these drugs? ]
]
OBERON (V.O.) ]
"...the true meaning of ]
responsibility while creating ]
memories that last..." ]
]
The counselors' tension-breaking laughter melts back into ]
tension as a convoy of Buses rumble to a stop nearby. All ]
the counselors charge up, except for a LOVELY FEMALE REDHEAD ]
COUNSELOR and a HANDSOME, AFRICAN-AMERICAN MALE COUNSELOR. ]
]
LOVELY FEMALE REDHEAD COUNSELOR ]
I have a feeling this summer is going ]
to really suck... ]
]
LIKABLE BLACK MALE COUNSELOR ]
Do you mean that in the good way ]
or the bad way? ]
]
The novice counselors turn to make instantly smitten eye- ]
contact. The Lovely Female Counselor enchantingly shrugs ]
her shoulders. ]
]
LOVELY FEMALE REDHEAD COUNSELOR ]
(Wendyesque) ]
Iunno. ]
]
The counselors both suddenly turn, along with the viewer, ]
to the sight of the bus doors opening. ]
THE FILM GOES TO BLACK
And after a beat of silence, a bold, full version of "Oh,
my Unforgettable Summer Love" completely takes over.