HEATHERS
An Original Screenplay
by
Daniel Waters
REVISED SECOND DRAFT
Registered WGAW
November 17, 1987
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAY
VERONICA SAWYER, a sullen seventeen year old beauty is
jogging down a suburban street in a stylish running outfit.
Evocative female voices can be heard, softly wailing.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK--DAY
VERONICA lurches into a neighborhood park, running with an
increasing sense of desperation. The female voices wail louder.
EXT. PROMENADE--DAY
VERONICA whooshes past a series of shops and a movie theatre.
EXT. THE SAWYER HOME--DAY
Reveling in her own sweat and agony, VERONICA bounds onto
the lawn of her impressive upper middle class home.
She painfully rushes closer and closer to the front door as
the female moans swell to a deafening summit. The evocative
wailing cuts off as she grabs the doorknob.
INY. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DAY
VERONICA zips into a chic, but understated ensemble as she
launches into voice-over narration.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told me she teaches people
Real Life.
Composed and unsweaty, VERONICA fingers her bangs in the
mirror then rambles off.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY--DAY
Continuing her narration, VERONICA glides through a bustling
high school hallway with a frozen smile.
VERONICA (V.O.)
She said Real Life sucks Losers dry.
If you want to fuck with the eagles,
you have to learn to fly.
OUTSIDE THE CAFETERIA
With her back turned to the viewer, VERONICA stands at the
outskirts of the cafeteria entrance. The viewer's viewpoint
approaches and finally curls around VERONICA to reveal that
she is writing in a diary, wearing a monocle.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I said so you teach people how to
spread their wings and fly. She
said Yes.
THE DIARY PAGE
VERONICA'S pen sways across the diary page forming the words
echoed by her voice-over.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I said You're Beautiful.
A sudden off-screen bark from HEATHER MCNAMARA causes the pen
to recklessly rocket across the written words.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
God, come on Veronica!
VERONICA coolly pops the monocle from her eye before angrily
addressing the amusingly robust, conventionally beautiful,
trendily coiffed HEATHER MCNAMARA.
VERONICA
What's your damage, Heather? You
ruined my...
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me,
blame Heather. She told me to haul
your ass into the caf pronto. Back
me up, Heather.
From behind HEATHER MCNAMARA emerges a similarly trendily
accessorized but noticeably more inhibited waif, HEATHER DUKE.
She is clutching a tattered copy of "The Catcher in the Rye."
HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, she really wants to talk to you.
VERONICA
Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus...
INSIDE THE CAFETERIA
VERONICA, flanked by HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE,
strides into the lunchroom pandemonium.
The stunning HEATHER CHANDLER turns from the tray before her
toward her incoming comrades. She is dressed stylishly and
expensively but not trendily; her hair, dramatically tied back.
VERONICA
(submissively)
Hello, Heather.
Pulling out a crumpled piece of yellow paper, HEATHER
CHANDLER smiles. The content of what Heather says is
consistently offensive but the tone in which she speaks
is sexy, dangerous, and mysterious. She is a mythic bitch.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of
Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge
a hot and horny but realistically
low-key note in Kurt's handwriting
and we'll slip it into Martha
Dumptruck's lunch tray.
VERONICA
Shit, Heather. I don't have anything
against Martha Dunnstock.
HEATHER CHANDLER
You don't have anything for her
either. Come on, it'll be Very. The
note'll give her shower nozzle
masturbation material for weeks.
VERONICA
I'll think about it.
HEATHER CHANDLER
(looking off)
Don't think.
POV ON CAFETERIA LINE
Unattractive and quite overweight, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
guiltily plops two jellos on her tray and clunks forward in line.
CAFETERIA ENTRANCE
VERONICA's arm, seemingly involuntary, latches onto the
outstretched pen.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Splendid. I'll dictate. Veronica
needs something to write on.
Heather, bend over.
Both HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE bend over. HEATHER
CHANDLER violently laughs.
HEATHER CHANDLER
How nice. Two assholes: no waiting.
HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE stand erect, embarrassed.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Heather Duke, back down.
VERONICA scurries to the contorting HEATHER DUKE.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Dear Martha, you're so sweet..
THE JOCKS' TABLE
The traditionally handsome KURT KELLY, the serene black EARL
FRAZIER and the massive RAM sit with other stereotypical
Jocks taking in VERONICA and the HEATHERS.
KURT
It'd be so righteous to be in a
Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler
sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.
KURT and RAM raise their right arms and slam their fists
together.
RAM
Hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on
my Johnson and just start spinning
her like a fucking pinwheel.
RAM makes a frantic spinning motion. EARL is bored.
EARL
Shit. Right.
RAM
Damn right right.
CAFETERIA ENTRANCE
In slow motion, VERONICA finishes the note and rises up
along with her makeshift desk, HEATHER DUKE.
HEATHER MCNAMARA hawkishly gazes toward the cafeteria line.
VERONICA hands the note to an impressed HEATHER CHANDLER.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK pays the CASHIER and then,
grasping her lunch tray with both paws, moves toward
VERONICA and the HEATHERS.
HEATHER MCNAMARA excitedly tugs on HEATHER CHANDLER'S arm as
MARTHA approaches. With a tranquil smile, HEATHER CHANDLER
passes the note to her frantic disciple.
In a self-consciously clandestine manner, HEATHER MCNAMARA
saunters past MARTHA then wields around to sneakily tuck the
note onto MARTHA's tray.
The slow motion concludes as their plump victim shuffles
past a magnetic preppie PETER DAWSON and a thin, black,
bespectacled DENNIS. The guys are working a large stand
which has a cashbox reading THE FAMINE FUND and a banner
reading WESTERBURG FEEDS THE WORLD.
PETER
Come on people, let's give that
leftover lunch money to people
without lunches! Those tater tots
you threw away today are a delicacy
in Africa! They're Thanksgiving dinner!
HEATHERS' TABLE
The Girls reach their table with HEATHER MCNAMARA and
HEATHER DUKE sitting themselves down first.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
(looking to the stand)
God, aren't they fed yet? Do they
even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
VERONICA
(low key sarcasm)
Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians, tater
tots; it's a real party continent.
HEATHER CHANDLER draws up a clipboard.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Sawyer. Guess what today is?
VERONICA
Ouch....the lunchtime poll. So
what's the question?
HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, so what's the question?
HEATHER CHANDLER
God-damn Heather, you were with me
in Study Hall when I thought of it.
Such a pillowcase.
HEATHER DUKE
(hurt)
I forgot.
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER briskly bop away from the table
as a wounded HEATHER DUKE retreats to The Catcher in the Rye.
VERONICA
Hey, this question wouldn't be that
bizarro thing you were babbling
about over the phone last......
HEATHER CHANDLER
Shut up, it is. I told Dennis if he
gave me another topic that was
political, I'd spew burrito chunks.
VERONICA shakes her head and looks off. She's suddenly
captured by the sight of a JAMES DEANESQUE GUY sitting stark
in a long, tan gunslinger coat, behind a Rebel Without a
Cause lunchbox. They make eye contact.
Transfixed, VERONICA crashes into seated BETTY FINN, a slightly
overweight, unstylishly dressed sweetie surrounded by clones.
BETTY
Sorry Veronica.
VERONICA
Betty Finn. Gosh.....
VERONICA crouches down, embarrassed and rueful.
VERONICA
I'm really sorry I couldn't make it
to your birthday party last month.
BETTY
That's okay. Your Mom said you had
a big date. Heck, I'd probably skip
my own birthday party for a date.
VERONICA gently laughs at BETTY's innocent awe.
VERONICA
Don't say that.
BETTY
Oh Ronnie, you have to look at
what I dug up the other day.
BETTY pulls from her purse a picture showing a YOUNG BETTY
FINN AND VERONICA SAWYER, arm-in-arm, dressed in Halloween
costumes: BETTY is an angel, VERONICA is a witch.
VERONICA glows at the photo until HEATHER CHANDLER tows
VERONICA away causing the picture to fall face up on the floor.
VERONICA
I was talking with someone!
HEATHER CHANDLER
Color me impressed. I thought you
grew out of Betty Finn.
THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE
A coolly coed cabal of Country Club Kids icily eye the
approaching VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER. Country Club
kid COUTRNEY sourly speaks out.
COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.
COURTNEY'S FRIEND
Shit.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE
Alone at a table in the Siberia of the cafeteria, MARTHA
finishes a forkful of chicken. She spears her plate again
and brings the fork up. The note is wedged inside it.
THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE
HEATHER CHANDLER, Veronica in tow, hits the Country Club Kids
with a salvo of false pleasantness, capped by a scowling smile.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Hi Courtney. Love your blouse. Ooh,
let me snare a tater.
COURTNEY express elation in spite of yourself as HEATHER
CHANDLER delicately takes a tot and turns around to face
VERONICA. HEATHER CHANDLER inserts her finger in her mouth
doing the "induce-vomiting" signal before devouring the tot
and turning back around.
COURTNEY
Thanks. I just got it last night at
the Limited. Totally blew my allowance.
HEATHER CHANDLER raises her clipboard. VERONICA closes her
eyes and shakes her head with a half-smile.
HEATHER CHANDLER
That's pretty very. Now check this out. You
win five million dollars from Publishers
Clearing House, but on the same day Ed
McMahon gives you the check, aliens
land on earth and say they're going
to blow up the world in two days.
What would you do?
A stunned tableau; until Country Club Kid KEITH speaks.
KEITH
That's easy. I'd just slide that wad
over to my father. He's like one of
the top brokers in the state.
VERONICA
Wake up. In two days, Earth's going
up like a Roman Candle. Crab Nebula City.
KEITH
Man, in two days, my dad could
double my money. Triple it.
COURTNEY
If I got that money, I'd give it
all to the poor. Every cent.
VERONICA
You're beautiful.
THE FAMINE FUND STAND
PETER reaches into the Famine Fund Box and takes some bills.
PETER
Dennis, my man, run over to Mickey
D.'s and get me a Big Mac and some fries.
DENNIS
But that's the Famine Fund money.
PETER
Hey, even Bob Geldof's got to eat.
If it makes you feel better, bag the
fries, and nab yourself an Apple Pie.
CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE
HEATHER CHANDLER drags VERONICA down a cafeteria lane.
HEATHER CHANDLER
If you're going to openly be a bitch....
VERONICA
(submissive)
I'm sorry, it's just why can't we
talk to different kinds of people?
HEATHER CHANDLER
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I
look like Mother Theresa? If I did,
I probably wouldn't mind talking to
the Geek Squad.
She points to a table of unfashionably dressed and coiffed
students. Some wear glasses, some wear braces, some wear both.
THE GEEKS' TABLE
The GEEKS react to being pointed at. Their boney leader RODNEY
splatters milk over himself.
RODNEY
Did you see that? Heather Number
One looked right at us.
BIG CYNIC
It must be love.
CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE
VERONICA confronts HEATHER CHANDLER.
VERONICA
Doesn't it bother you that everyone in
the school thinks you're a pirahna?
HEATHER CHANDLER
Like I give a shit. They all want me,
as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped
at Westerburg and I'm only a Junior.
VERONICA
Pretend you're a missionary saving
a colony of cootie victims.
HEATHER CHANDLER
(giving in)
Whatever. I don't believe this. We're
going to a party at Remington University
tonight and we're brushing up our
conversation skills with the
scum of the school.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE
Her sweaty lips moving rapidly, MARTHA anxiously reads the note.
THE GEEKS' TABLE
The nervous GEEKS fidget and roughhouse each other in an
involuntarily immature reaction to their beautiful interviewers.
GEEK WITH BRACES
No seriously, I'd probably go to
the Pyrimads. With a girl.
GEEK WITH GLASSES
Where you going to get a girl, stud?
K-Mart?
BIG CYNIC
Taking a hooker to the Pyramids on
the last day of Mankind. You
sentimental old fart.
BRACES
Geez, forget it.
VERONICA
What about you Rodney?
RODNEY
(quietly to the others)
I told you she knew my name.
(beat of contemplation)
I'd change my life. New clothes.
New haircut. New house. New home.
HEATHER CHANDLER
How sad! Blowing all your cash on
two days of trying to be hip.
VERONICA tugs HEATHER CHANDLER away from the table.
VERONICA
If you're going to openly be a bitch....
VERONICA again catches sight of the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.
He wraps his fingers around an egg and unfolds them back.
The egg is gone. He smiles. VERONICA smiles back.
Her trance is broken by a boisterous HEATHER MCNAMARA and
HEATHER DUKE who careen into the two pollsters.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, scan on Martha Dumptruck.
POV ON MARTHA
MARTHA looks up from the note to the JOCKS' table and KURT
KELLY, then flustered, back down at the note.
HEATHER CHANDLER
This is the part I hate. The waiting.
I'd say we're like twenty minutes from
major humiliation. Come on, Veronica.
HEATHER CHANDLER floats off. A disturbed VERONICA takes a
moment to react.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica?
VERONICA follows the leader. She calls out.
VERONICA
Damn..
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER march into the school parking
lot toward four HEAVY METALERS (one female) hanging out on a
car hood. The girls' conversation is heard in voice-over.
VERONICA (V.O.)
..you Heather. Deep down all teenagers
are the same. Didn't you see The
Breakfast Club?
BETTY FINN'S TABLE
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER set themselves down with BETTY
FINN and her LOOK-ALIKE FRIENDS.
HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
Look at me. I look great. I'm the girl
in the commercials and the videos.
JOCKS' TABLE
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER warily stand at the outskirts
of the JOCKS' bastion of vulgarity.
HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
I'm the blonde in the bikini on the
horse holding a Pepsi can.
INT. SMOKE-FILLED HALLWAY
In a dark, smoky hallway, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER
cough toward a batch of STONERS in tattered forms of dress.
HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
I'm the princess being spanked on the
throne by Billy Idol's guitarist's guitar.
INT. THE SCHOOL LIBRARY
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER click-click across the school
library floor to where an ALL-OUT NERD studies in solitude.
HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
What do I get out of being friends
with losers. I give them a piece of
a winner and they stain me with loserness.
PARKING LOT
Heavy Metaler MATT grins.
MATT
You get five million dollars but
some Martians are going to zap you
in two days. You hear that, Clyde?
That's got to be the most spooky-ass
question I've ever heard.
BETTY FINN'S TABLE
BETTY FINN daintily peeps up.
BETTY FINN
I think we should use the money
for an End-of-the-world get-together.
We could invite guys.
JOCKS' TABLE
RAM sputters out some chicken to bellow.
RAM
I'd pay Madonna one million dollars
to ride my face like the Kentucky
Derby. She should be paying me, though.
STONERS' HALLWAY
A FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET starts to speak, then stops...
FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
What?
LIBRARY
The ALL-OUT NERD lashes out.
ALL-OUT NERD
This is important. With taxes, I'd
be only getting 3.5 million and....
PARKING LOT
Heavy Metaler CLYDE turns from his friend MATT.
CLYDE
If you want a good way to go out
before the aliens land, get a lion
from the zoo. Put a remote control
bomb up its butt. When the lion starts
tearing you up, press the bomb button.
You and the lion die like as one.
Two Heavy Metal lovers, JACKIE and STEVE, intertwined against
the windshield blankly respond.
JACKIE AND STEVE
Cool.
CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER continue their conversation
chugging through another busy cafeteria lane.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Just imagine somebody like your
quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty
Finn doing a Crest commercial. No
one would buy Crest.
VERONICA
Don't tell me. Crest would be
stained with loserness.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth?
HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE burst back between them.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, here we go...
POV ON MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
MARTHA, with awkward apprehension, stumbles toward KURT and
the JOCKS. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stop breathing.
MARTHA mumbles something unintelligible from where the girls
stand. KURT'S head detonates with a terrifying cackle. MARTHA
flees the cafeteria in horror. VERONICA spins away from her
mirthful friends in disgust and makes eye contact with the
similarly disturbed JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.
VERONICA lurches away. She brakes against the Foodless Fund
stand where PETER DAWSON is hollering away.
PETER
A dime increases the time! A buck
brings good luck! Hi Veronica. A
five keeps the neighborhood alive!
A ten and you die without sen!
HEATHER CHANDLER wings a twenty dollar bill into the cashbox.
HEATHER CHANDLER
(to Veronica)
You wanted to become a member of
the most powerful clique in the
school. If I wasn't already the
head of it, I'd want the same thing.
VERONICA
I'm sorry? What are you oozing about?
HEATHER CHANDLER
That episode with the note back
there was for all of us to enjoy,
but you're determined to ruin my day.
VERONICA
(slapping her knee)
We made a girl want to consider
suicide. What a scream. What a jest.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on you jerk. You know you used
to have a sense of humor.
INT. GIRLS BATHROOM
Combing their hair in the bathroom mirror, the HEATHERS
speak in comically whining-and-pathetic imitations of Martha
Dumptruck as VERONICA shakes her head with a half-smile.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Ku-urt, let's pa-arty.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm.
HEATHER DUKE's gentle off-screen voice slices in.
HEATHER DUKE (O.S.)
Veronica, could you come back here?
HEATHER CHANDLER AND HEATHER MCNAMARA
Gross!
VERONICA
A true friend's work is never done.
VERONICA reveals her right index finger is cut noticeably
short, then walks over to the stalls.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Color me nauseous.
THE STALL
VERONICA stands in a tight stall with an ashamed HEATHER DUKE.
VERONICA
Maybe you should see a doctor.
HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, maybe.
HEATHER CHANDLER (O.S.)
Come on Heather. We want another
look at today's lunch.
VERONICA
Geez, don't listen to them.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
Did she have the pie or the ice
cream for dessert?
(like a game show host)
And the answer is.
HEATHER DUKE holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and
makes a bizarrely defiant smile.
HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in
the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put
up with their bogus nonsense.
VERONICA
Well, you better move Holden out
of the way or he's going to get spewed.
HEATHER DUKE puts down her book and opens her mouth.
VERONICA sticks her finger in.
CAFETERIA ENTRANCE
A gnarly melange of chicken and potatoes is scraped off a plate
into a cafeteria trashcan as VERONICA and the HEATHERS stroll
by outside. VERONICA pauses to peer in at the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God Veronica, drool much? His name's
Jason Dean. He's in my American History.
VERONICA
Give me the clipboard.
As VERONICA walks off, HEATHER MCNAMARA oinks out some amusing
sexual noises.
CAFETERIA/JASON DEAN'S TABLE
VERONICA saunters to JASON DEAN.
VERONICA
Hello Jason Dean.
JASON
Greetings and salutations. Call me
J.D. Are you a Heather?
VERONICA
No, a Veronica. Sawyer. This may
seem like a stupid question....
J.D.
There are no stupid questions.
VERONICA
If you inherit five million dollars
the same day aliens tell the earth
they're blowing us up in two days,
what would you do?
J.D.
(suavely)
That's the stupidest question I've
ever heard.
JOCKS' TABLE
The JOCKS witness VERONICA and J.D.
RAM
Who does that new kid think he is
with that coat? Bo Diddley?
KURT
Veronica is into his act. No doubt.
RAM
Let's kick his ass.
KURT
Shit, we're seniors, Ram. Too old
for that crap. Let's give him a
scare though.
J.D.'S TABLE
An intrigued J.D. laconically answers the question.
J.D.
Probably just row on out to the
middle of a lake. Bring along my
sax, some tequila, and some Bach.
VERONICA
How very.
HEATHER CHANDLER breaks VERONICA's daze of admiration.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on.
VERONICA (to J.D.)
Later.
J.D.
Definitely.
KURT and RAM move into the exiting VERONICA's place.
RAM sticks his finger through a piece of pie on J.D.'s plate.
RAM
You going to eat this?
KURT
What did your boyfriend say when
you told him you were moving to
Sherwood, Ohio?
RAM
Answer him dick!
KURT
Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria
have a No Fags Allowed Rule?
J.D.
It seems to have an open door policy
for assholes though, doesn't it?
KURT
What did you say dickweed?
J.D.
I'll repeat myself.
J.D. gracefully stands, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a
a .357 Magnum. He fires twice at the viewer.
EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--DAY
Croquet wickets have been set up in standard form. VERONICA and
the HEATHERS stand at various positions in the yard holding
different colored mallets next to matching balls. HEATHER
CHANDLER knocks her ball through the middle wicket.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, they won't expell him. They'll
just suspend him for a week or something.
HEATHER CHANDLER
He used a real gun. They should
throw his ass in jail.
VERONICA
No way. He used blanks. All J.D.
really did was ruin two pairs of
pants...Maybe not even that...
(giggling)
Can you bleach out urine stains?
HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her red ball into HEATHER DUKE'S
green one.
HEATHER CHANDLER
J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought
you were giving up on high school guys.
VERONICA
Never say never.
HEATHER DUKE
What are you going to do, Heather?
Take the two shots or send me out?
The Girls look to the doelike HEATHER DUKE with incredulous faces.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you have a brain tumor for
breakfast? First you ask if you can
be red, knowing that I'm always red...
HEATHER CHANDLER places her foot on her red ball. She swings
her mallet down hard on the red ball sending the adjacent
green one rocketing into a flower bed.
HEATHER DUKE
Shit.
HEATHER CHANDLER's next shot falls short of the next wicket.
HEATHER CHANDLER
(to HEATHER DUKE)
Damn. It's your turn Heather.
HEATHER DUKE
No, it's Heather's turn.
HEATHER MCNAMARA hits her ball through a wicket and squeals.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Anyway, I can say never to high
school. I've got David.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
King David.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Maybe when you hit maturity you'll
understand the diff between a Remington
University man like David and a
Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam-
thank-you-maam" Sweeney.
HEATHER MCNAMARA misses her next shot.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram's sweet. Yo Heather, you're up.
HEATHER DUKE tries to navigate a shot from the flower bed.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
No way, no day!
VERONICA
Give it up girl!
As her friends howl, HEATHER DUKE slams her ball out of the
flower bed. The ball bounces off a tree and amazingly goes
through a wicket. HEATHER DUKE squeals in delight.
VERONICA HEATHER MCNAMARA
Holy shit! God, that was unbelievable!
HEATHER CHANDLER
What. A. Shot.
HEATHER DUKE's next shot falls short of the next wicket.
VERONICA begins setting up her shot.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
So tonight's the night. Are you
two excited?
HEATHER CHANDLER
I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her
first Remington Party. Blow it tonight
girl and it's keggers with kids all
next year.
VERONICA
(missing her shot)
Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've
been set up with? Witty and urbane
pre-lawyer or albino accountant?
HEATHER CHANDLER
Don't worry. David says he's very
so he's very.
HEATHER CHANDLER again hits her ball into HEATHER DUKE'S.
HEATHER DUKE
Why?
HEATHER CHANDLER
Why not?
HEATHER CHANDLER slams HEATHER DUKE's ball back into the
flower bed. VERONICA'S MOM calls out the back screen door.
MOM
Heather, your Mother's here.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Come on whoever wants a ride.
As the HEATHERS head into the house, VERONICA picks up HEATHER
DUKE'S ball and exuberantly throws it back toward the wickets.
Veronica's MOM, carrying a tray of pate, and DAD, carrying a
Robert Ludlum book, place themselves around a patio table.
DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.
VERONICA
All right.
VERONICA sinks into the empty middle deck chair.
DAD
So what was the first week of
Spring Vacation withdrawl like?
VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.
MOM
Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?
VERONICA
I guess.
MOM
Any contestants worth mentioning?
VERONICA
Maybe. There's kind of a dark
horse now in the running.
DAD
(looking up)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I read this spy crap.
VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.
DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.
DAD immediately returns to reading with a wide grin.
MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....
VERONICA
Great pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the party tonight.
EXT. OUTSIDE 7-11--NIGHT
A Volkswagen Cabriolet pulls up in front of a 7-11 with
HEATHER CHANDLER at the wheel. VERONICA pops out of the
car, into the store. HEATHER CHANDLER clamors to her.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!
INT. 7-11
Stylishly dressed-to-massacre, VERONICA reaches out to a bag
of Corn Nuts as J.D.'s off-screen voice disarms her.
J.D. (O.S.)
You going to pull a Big Gulp with that?
VERONICA
No, but if you're nice I'll let
you buy me a Slurpee. You know
your 7-11speak pretty well.
J.D.
I've been moved around all my life;
Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood
Ohio, there's always a 7-11. Any
town, any time, I can pop a Ham and
Cheese in the microwave and feast on
a Big Wheel. Keeps me sane.
VERONICA
Really? That thing in the caf
today was pretty severe.
J.D.
The extreme always makes an
impression, but you're right, it
was severe. Did you say a Cherry
or Coke Slurpee?
VERONICA
I didn't. Cherry.
VERONICA smiles at her Coolness. J.D. returns the smile.
7-11 PARKING LOT
VERONICA and J.D. slurp by J.D.'s ferocious motorcycle.
VERONICA
Great bike.
HEATHER CHANDLER sounds her car horn with a grimace.
VERONICA glares at her then turns back to J.D.
J.D.
Just a humble perk from my Dad's
Construction company or should I
say Deconstruction company?
VERONICA
I don't know. Should you?
J.D.
My father seems to enjoy tearing
things down more than putting things up.
Seen the commerical? "Bringing every
State to a Higher State."
VERONICA
Time out....Jason Dean. Your Pop's
Fred Dean Construction. Must be
rough. Moving place to place.
J.D.
Everybody's life's got static. Is
your life perfect?
VERONICA
(gently joking)
Sure, I'm on my way to a party
at Remington University.
VERONICA grows serious as the car horn sounds again.
VERONICA
It's not perfect. I don't really
like my friends.
J.D.
I don't really like your friends either.
VERONICA
It's like they're just people I
work with and our job is being
popular and shit.
J.D.
Maybe it's time for a vacation.
The car horn blares again.
INT. DORMITORY ROOM--NIGHT
DAVID, Heather Chandler's fine looking college beau, leads
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER into a cramped, eclectically
tacky dorm room. Music pounds the door.
The semi-handsome BRAD leans aainst a desk while a WHINING
STUDENT talks with COED ONE who sits on the floor.
DAVID
Throw your coats on the bed, girls.
WHINING STUDENT
That exam was so bogus.
COED ONE
Oh I know. Which exam?
DAVID
Veronica, this is Brad.
BRAD
Excellent. Did you girls bring
your partying slippers?
HEATHER CHANDLER
Yeah, let's party.
DAVID
She loves to party.
As they head out the door, BRAD whispers something in
BRAD'S FRIEND's ear causing the pair to snarl off a laugh.
INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
The viewer is taken back and forth from a shattered post-party
VERONICA to the traumatic dormitory party itself. The sobbing
monocled VERONICA writes at her desk.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, I want to kill and you
have to believe.....damn pen!
VERONICA frenziedly scribbles, trying to get her pen to write.
She throws the pen across the room and pulls out another.
VERONICA (V.O.)
You have to believe it's for more
than selfish reasons. More than a
spoke in my menstrual cycle. You
have to believe me.
DORMITORY HALLWAY
The chaotic hallway rumbles with beer cups and loud music.
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER's stylish garb clashes with the
laid-back dress of the COLLEGE STUDENTS.
BRAD anxiously hands VERONICA a cup of beer as he watches
DAVID and HEATHER CHANDLER move through a staircase door.
BRAD
So, are you a cheerleader?
VERONICA
(dealing with a jerk)
No, not at all.
BRAD
You're pretty enough to be one.
VERONICA
Gee, thanks.
BRAD
It's so great to be able to talk
to a girl and not have to ask
"What's your major?" I hate that.
They uncomfortably sip their beers. A deadly pause ensues.
BRAD
So when you go to college, what kind
of subjects do you think you'll study?
INT. DAVID'S DORM ROOM
HEATHER CHANDLER and DAVID sit on the latter's bed, surrounded
by a Macintosh and a series of obnoxious Ferrari posters.
They kiss. DAVID doing most of the work.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on David, let's go back to the party.
DAVID
(unzipping his pants)
Don't worry, we will. You're just so
hot tonight. I can't control myself.
DAVID pushes HEATHER CHANDLER's head down.
DORM HALLWAY
BRAD has given up on conversation.
BRAD
So what do you say we head up to my
room and have a real party. I've got
the best Windham Hill C.D. collection
in the dorm.
A BIG AMIABLE STUDENT approaches before VERONICA can show disgust.
BIG AMIABLE STUDENT
Brad-man, Robinson's looking for
you. He says he owes you for blow
and he just got some product himself.
BRAD
You're kidding. That pecker actually
scored something on his own?
BIG AMIABLE STUDENT
(ambling off)
He's in Sheila's room, guy. Party up.
BRAD
Excellent. Veronica, ever do cocaine?
VERONICA
Ever since Phil Collins did that MTV
anti-drug commercial I refuse everything.
BRAD
Phil Collins? Are you sure he isn't
drinking and driving?
VERONICA
Jeez, right, then why don't I do drugs?
BRAD
Hey, don't run away now.
With a wink, BRAD squirms off. VERONICA dashes into the room
with the coats.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA rampages through her diary.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Seventeen is the last year Mom buys
the Twinkies. When you make the
jump from working weekends at Pizza
Hut to thirty years at I.B.M., you
lose something. Not innocence--power.
J.F.K. the cat jumps onto the Diary.
VERONICA
J.F.K.!
VERONICA flings the screeching cat off and continues.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm
allowed an understanding that my
parents and these Remington University
assholes have chosen to ignore. I
understand I must stop Heather.
DORM "COAT" ROOM
Panting, VERONICA collapses at a desk in the "coat" room.
She draws a Vodka bottle from a stockpile of liquor and pours
some in her beer cup, slouching down in her chair.
VERONICA lights a match from a 7-11 matchbook. She eerily
brings her hand closer and closer to the fire until it touches.
With an eek of pain, she tosses the match away into the Vodka
cup, setting it afire. VERONICA laughs to herself before
tossing the flaming cup out the window.
EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DORMITORY NIGHT
The flaming cup lands in a large rusted garbage can filled
with other cups and various refuse. The flames spread...
INT. DORMITORY BATHROOM NIGHT
A dejected HEATHER CHANDLER walks into a multi-mirror-and-sink
bathroom. Using a glass off one of the sinks, she gargles some
water and then spits it at her own reflection.
THE DORM "COAT" ROOM
VERONICA closes the window as BRAD opens the door.
BRAD
How's my little cheerleader? Now I
know everyone at your high school
isn't so uptight, come on.
VERONICA
Hey really, I don't feel so great.
BRAD
Let's do it on the coats. It'll
be excellent.
BRAD plops down onto the bed of coats and begins bouncing.
VERONICA
I have a little prepared speech I
give when my suitor wants more
than I'd like to give him....
Gee Blank, I had a nice....
BRAD
Save the speeches for Malcom X.
I just wanna get laid.
VERONICA
You don't deserve my fucking speech!
VERONICA yanks up her coat from beneath BRAD on the bed
causing him to slide off onto the floor.
DORM HALLWAY
VERONICA storms into the hallway but slows down when she
sees she's attracting attention. She notices an incited
BRAD slither to the smiling DAVID who chats with some
STUDENTS, HEATHER CHANDLER on his arm.
BRAD causes DAVID's smile to ever-so-slightly diminish.
DAVID whispers to HEATHER CHANDLER who proceeds to set
down her beer and walk toward VERONICA.
DORMITORY ALLEY
The fire in the trashcan is raging.
DORM HALLWAY
A steel faced HEATHER CHANDLER comes face-to-face with VERONICA.
HEATHER CHANDLER
What's your damage? Brad says
you're being a real cooze.
VERONICA
Heather, I feel awful, like I'm
going to throw up. Can we jam, please?
HEATHER CHANDLER
No. Hell no.
VERONICA'S eyes fall shut in a near-faint. She flings
herself down off-screen with some ugly retching sounds.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA savagely scrawls in her diary, tears burning fierce.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Betty Finn was a true friend and I
sold her out for a bunch of Swatchdogs
and Diet Cokeheads. Killing Heather'd
be like offing the Wicked Witch of the
West. Or is it East? West! I sound
like a psycho. Tomorrow I'll be kissing
her aerobicized ass but tonight let me
dream of a world without Heather. A
world where I am free.
DORM HALLWAY
VERONICA rises into view with tinges of vomit on her mouth.
A smile breaks across HEATHER CHANDLER's granite puss.
VERONICA runs off as STUDENTS laugh in the background.
DORMITORY ALLEY
VERONICA charges into the alley. She whips around to face a
screeching HEATHER CHANDLER. In back of VERONICA, the
trashcan bellows like Mt. Vesuvius.
HEATHER CHANDLER
You stupid cunt!
VERONICA
You goddamn bitch!
The flickering flames cast HEATHER CHANDLER in a demonic light.
HEATHER CHANDLER
You were nothing before you met me!
You were playing Barbies with Betty
Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a
Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout
Cookie! I got you into a Remington
Party! What's my thanks? It's on the
hallway carpet. I get paid in puke!
VERONICA
Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.
HEATHER CHANDLER
(totally in control)
Monday morning, you're history. I'll
tell everyone about tonight. Transfer
to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.
No one at Westerburg's going to let
you play their reindeer games.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA flings her diary across the room where it hits the
wall behind the stunning figure of J.D. VERONICA gasps.
J.D.
Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.
VERONICA
(exhaling deeply)
S'okay....
J.D.
I saw the croquet set-up in the back.
Up for a match?
VERONICA is simultaneously dismayed and exhilarated. She seems
ready to burst out all her anxieties but instead....
VERONICA
Sure. But I'm Blue.
EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--LATE NIGHT
The viewer's viewpoint glides through the grass of Veronica's
backyard uncovering combinations of wickets and articles of
clothing. A pair of girls shoes and a pair of guys shoes rest
together by the first wicket.
J.D. (V.O.)
Goddamn, no wonder you looked so
mangled when I came through the window.
Feminine socks and masculine socks lay crumpled by the next wicket.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I've always treated Heather's teen
queen power plays as bullshit.....
As VERONICA quiveringly pauses, a stylish blouse and a
rugged shirt are revealed mingling by another wicket.
VERONICA (V.O.)
But I'm really scared. Who am I going
to eat lunch with on Monday? I sound
like an Afterschool Special.
The viewer's viewpoint moves to a dress and a pair of jeans
resting side by side at another wicket.
J.D. (V.O.)
That was my first game of Strip
Croquet, you know. I thank you.
VERONICA (V.O.)
You're welcome. It's a lot more
interesting than just flinging
off your clothes and boning away
on the neighbor's swing set.
VERONICA'S blue mallet has been staked into the ground. Her
panties hang on one end, J.D.'s underwear hangs on the other.
J.D. (O.S.)
Well, I don't know. There's
something to be said for...Ouch!
VERONICA and J.D. are finally revealed, entangled in an
artful pose upon J.D.'s gunslinger coat. They warmly kiss.
VERONICA breaks off to uneasily giggle.
VERONICA
What a night.
J.D. gently bites in to VERONICA's neck. VERONICA grooves on
it, closing her eyes tightly.
VERONICA
What a life. I almost moved into high
school out of sixth grade because I
was some genius. We all decided to
chuck the idea because I'd have
trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah.
VERONICA slides her head down against J.D.'s chest and
gracefully rests on his lap. Gently fighting slumber, she
murmurs up to J.D., who showers her face with slow kisses.
VERONICA
Now blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use
my grand I.Q. to figure out what gloss
to wear and how to hit three keggers
before curfew. Some genius.
J.D.
Heather Chandler is one bitch that
deserves to die.
VERONICA
Killing her won't solve anything.
J.D.
A well-timed lightning bolt through
her window and Monday morning, all
the other heathers, shit, everybody
would be cast fucking adrift.
VERONICA
Well then, I'll pray for rain.
J.D.
See the condoms in the grass over
there. We killed tonight, Veronica.
We murdered our baby.
VERONICA
Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.
J.D.
Just saying it's not hard to end a life.
VERONICA
There's a big difference between
the most popular girl in the school
and dead sperm.
They laugh. VERONICA maneuvers herself into a sitting position.
J.D.
I guess I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.
VERONICA
I know exactly what the hell you're
talking about and you're right, you
don't know what the hell you're
talking about. Let's just grow up,
be adults, and die.
J.D.
Good plan.
VERONICA
But before that, I'd like to see
Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM--DAY
HEATHER CHANDLER's bedroom is lushly and expensively
furnished with a glass coffee table as an eye-catching
centerpiece. HEATHER CHANDLER half-sleeps in twisted
bedsheets as MRS. CHANDLER sticks her head in the door.
MRS. CHANDLER
We are leaving soon for your
grandmother's. If you care to join us...
HEATHER CHANDLER
Bag that.
MRS. CHANDLER
Is that a "No" in your lingo?
As the door closes, HEATHER CHANDLER raises her arm and
gives her departed Mother "the finger."
HEATHER CHANDLER
Lingo this.
INT. THE CHANDLER KITCHEN--DAY
The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door.
VERONICA
(quietly)
Trust me. She skips the Saturday
morning trip to Grandma's even
when she's not hungover.
J.D.
Then let's just concoct ourselves a
little hangover cure that'll induce
her to spew red, white, and blue.
VERONICA opens the refrigerator. J.D. opens the cupboard
beneath the sink.
VERONICA
What about orange juice and milk?
What's the upchuck factor on that?
J.D. holds up a bottle of Pine-Sol.
J.D.
I'm a Pine-Sol man, myself.
VERONICA
Don't be a dick. That stuff'll
kill her.
VERONICA and J.D. make queasy eye-contact. VERONICA descends
back into the refrigerator with some worked-up enthusiasm as
J.D. suavely pours bits of various toxic containers (detergent,
scouring powder) into a glass beer mug.
VERONICA
O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put
it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it
be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon?
J.D.
Man Veronica, pull the plug on that
shit. I say we go with Big Blue.
J.D. raises the glass filled with what is now a strange blue
liquid. VERONICA stares at the glass, scared by her own thoughts.
VERONICA
What are you doing? You just
can't go.....Besides, she'd never
drink anything that looks like that.
J.D.
Okay we'll use this. She won't be
able to tell what she's drinking.
J.D. pulls down a ceramic cup and triumphantly pours the
poisonously blue beer glass contents into it. An eerie pause
ensues. VERONICA takes out a milk carton and a container of orange
juice. She struts back to the counter in anger, icily muttering.
VERONICA
Just give me a cup, jerk.
J.D. sheepishly pulls down an identical ceramic cup. VERONICA
tears it from him and pours some milk and then some orange
juice into the cup.
VERONICA
Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe
we could cough a phlegm globber in
it or something.
J.D.
Yeah, great.
They both start coughing harshly.
VERONICA
No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll
do quite nicely. Quite nicely.
J.D.
Chick-en.
VERONICA
You're not funny.
J.D. turns on his heel and slinks away. VERONICA glares down at
the mess of toxic containers. With both arms, VERONICA clumps
the toxic containers together and drops beneath the sink to put
them away. J.D. swaggers back into the kitchen as VERONICA bobs
back into view.
J.D.
I'm sorry.
J.D. kisses the back of her neck. VERONICA closes her eyes
with a grudging smile.
VERONICA
Bonehead.
VERONICA dreamily reaches out to one of the two ceramic cups.
Not the one with milk and orange juice in it.
HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM
HEATHER CHANDLER angelically sleeps as VERONICA and J.D. enter.
VERONICA
Morning, Heather.
Like a lion, HEATHER CHANDLER rouses herself up.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle
surprise. Hear about Veronica's
affection for regurgitation?
VERONICA
We both said a lot of things we
didn't mean, last night.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Did we? How the hell'd you get in here?
J.D.
Veronica knew you'd have a hangover.
So I whipped this up. Family recipe.
J.D. holds out the ceramic cup. HEATHER CHANDLER snorts.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you put a phlegm globber in it
or something? I'm not drinking that piss.
J.D.
I knew this stuff would be too intense.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Intense? Grow up. You think I'll drink
it just because you call me chicken.
They do. They're right.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Just give me the cup, jerk.
HEATHER CHANDLER rises from the bed and struts to J.D. in anger.
She takes the cup, slams her head back and downs it all. She then
launches her head forward, her face contorted in agony.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!
HEATHER CHANDLER'S eyes slam shut and her limp body crashes
through the glass coffee table. VERONICA and J.D. freeze.
J.D.
Something tells me you picked up
the wrong cup.
VERONICA
No shit, sherlock. I can't believe
it. I just killed my best friend.
J.D.
And your worst enemy.
VERONICA
Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna...
VERONICA staggers to a desk. J.D. laughs out of shock.
J.D.
What are we going to tell the cops?
"Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."
VERONICA
Stop kidding around. I'm going to
have to send my S.A.T. scores to
San Quentin instead of Stanford.
J.D.
I'm just a little freaked, all right?
(a beat)
You got what you wanted, you know.
VERONICA
It's one thing to want somebody out
of your life. It's another thing to
serve them a wake-up cup of Drano.
VERONICA stares off as J.D. paces like a caged animal. He
scopes onto the rubble of the shattered coffee table and sees
Cliff Notes for The Bell Jar plus a magazine proclaiming
"THE FALL OF THE AMERICAN TEEN" sticking out from beneath
HEATHER CHANDLER's body.
J.D.
We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime.
But if this was like a suicide thing.....
VERONICA
Like a suicide thing?
J.D.
Adolescence is a period of life
fraught with anxiety and confusion.
VERONICA
(calming down)
I can do Heather's handwriting as
well as my own.
VERONICA takes some stationery from the desk and begins
writing, calling out her words.
VERONICA
"You might think what I've done is
shocking..."
J.D.
"To me though, suicide is the
natural answer to the myriad
of problems life has given me."
VERONICA
That's good, but Heather would
never use the word "myriad."
J.D.
This is the last thing she'll ever
write. She'll want to cash in on as
many fifty-cent words as poss.
VERONICA
She missed "myriad" on a vocab
test two weeks ago, all right?
J.D.
That only proves my point more. The word
is a badge for her failures at school.
VERONICA
You're probably right..."People think
just because you're beautiful and
popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody
understood I had feelings too."
J.D.
"I die knowing no one knew the real me."
VERONICA
That's good. Have you done this before?
VERONICA's smile dies as she looks to HEATHER CHANDLER'S corpse.
INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
At the head of a long conference table is the bearlike
PRINCIPAL GOWAN. Circling the table is the gray-haired but
savvy MRS. POPE, the black counselor PAUL HYDE, the yuppie math
teacher KEVIN STAPLES, and most noticeably, the eccentrically
dressed MS. PAULINE FLEMING. Coats are in chairs and cigarette
smoke is in the air, as the group batters their way through a
morning mourning conference.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Any other Principal would take the same
position. Keep things business as usual.
COUNSELOR HYDE
Heather Chandler's not your everyday
suicide. She was very popular.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
I let the kids go before lunch and
the switchboard'll light up like a
Christmas Tree.
KEVIN STAPLES
The parents will be sympathetic, sir.
These are troubled times for the young.
MRS. POPE
I must say I was impressed to see
that she made proper use of the word
"myriad" in her suicide note after
brutalizing it in a vocabulary test.
PAULINE
(dramatically cutting in)
I find it profoundly disturbing that
we are told of a tragic destruction
of youth and all we can talk about
is adequate mourning times and
misused vocabulary words.
A collective sigh goes across the room.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Oh Christ.
PAULINE
The school, meaning both students
and teachers, must revel in this
revealing moment. I suggest we get
everyone into the cafeteria and
just talk. And feel. Together.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me
when the shuttle lands...Now is
this Heather the cheerleader?
COUNSELOR HYDE
That would be Heather Mcnamara.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Damn. I'd be willing to go half a
day for a cheerleader.
KEVIN STAPLES
Let's just pack it in an hour early.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Done. I hate Mondays.
INT. PAULINE FLEMING'S CLASSROOM--DAY
The desks of the classroom have been maneuvered into an
amusingly chaotic position by PAULINE'S PUPILS. She is furious.
PAULINE
I said a circle you imbeciles! Forget
it! Just sit down. I'm just so thrilled
to be given an example of everything
I've taught you. That example is
Heather Chandler. I have the note!
PAULINE melodramatically lifts the suicide note. The class AAAHS.
MALE STUDENT
All right!
PAULINE
I'll pass the suicide note around
the room so you can feel its tragic
beauty for yourself. Let us share
together the feelings the suicide has
spurred in us all. Who wants to begin?
FEMALE STUDENT
I heard it was really gnarly. She
drank Liquid Plumber and Comet and
stuff then she smashed....
PAULINE
Now, now, we're not here to rehash
the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions.
THE ALL-OUT NERD
Are we going to be tested on this?
A stunned PAULINE glares until preppie PETER DAWSON speaks.
The note continues to be breathlessly passed around.
PETER
Heather and I used to go together,
but she said I was boring. I realize
now I wasn't really boring. She was
just dissatisfied with her life.
PAULINE
That's very good Peter.
VERONICA lets out a laugh that she disguises as a sob by
putting her hands over her face.
PAULINE
Dear Veronica, Heather was your
soulmate.....Share.
VERONICA
Heather was cool, but cruel. The good
looks and bad manners gave her power,
but it could not give her happiness.
The class stares to VERONICA as the suicide note is passed to
her. She acknowledges it in horror, passes it on, then continues,
realizing her ability to create truths for a captive audience.
VERONICA
She realized the only way she could
be happy was to give up her power and
the only way she could do that was death.
PAULINE cries. The PUPILS applaud. VERONICA queasily smiles.
INT. THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM--DAY
The GIRLS are finishing up putting on their clothes.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, it's so unfair. It's just so
unfair! We should get a whole week
off not just an hour.
HEATHER DUKE
Write the School Board.
HEATHER DUKE gnaws on a chicken leg as she speaks.
VERONICA
Watch it, Heather. You could actually
be digesting food.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
HEATHER DUKE
(belching)
Fuck it.
HEATHER MCNAMARA pulls a Swatch from one of the lockers.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Look, heather left behind one of her
Swatches. She'd want you to have it,
Veronica. She always said you couldn't
accessorize for shit.
HEATHER MCNAMARA tosses the watch to a spooked VERONICA who
stands up and solemnly puts it on. The FEMALE STONER IN ARMY
JACKET stops next to their bench.
FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
I'm sorry about your friend. I thought
she was your usual airhead bitch.
Guess I was wrong. Lot of us were.
HEATHER DUKE bobs up from the world's largest sno-cone.
HEATHER DUKE
What a waste.
VERONICA zombiesquely moves into the shower area.
HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
Oh the Humanity.
THE SHOWER
VERONICA turns on a shower and lets the water spray against
her clothes.
THE LOCKER ROOM
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica, what are you doing?
SQUEALING GIRL
Everyone in the shower!
The SQUEALING GIRL runs into the shower fully clothed. TWO
GIGGLING GIRLS follow suit. The HEATHERS look to each other,
laugh, and run in.
INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE
Heavy Metalers MATT, CLYDE, and STEVE plus Geek RODNEY sneak
into a darkened room. Girls' laughter drifts in.
MATT
Do I deliver or do I deliver?
RODNEY
Hurry up, we're going to get caught.
MATT
Mellow out Geek. Man, I never
should have brought you.
CLYDE
Let's see some pussy!
MATT pulls a curtain revealing a semi-overhead view of the
showering and clothed GIRLS.
THE SHOWER
The GIRLS splash and spin in balletlike slow motion. VERONICA
stands facing the viewer, the Swatch noticeably attached.
THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE
Cautiously quiet pandemonium.
MATT
Does this have something to do with
menstrual cramps and shit?
CLYDE
(dazed)
What the fuck?
RODNEY
We're on Candid Camera, dudes. I
can feel it.
CLYDE
What the fuck?
STEVE
Do you deliver or do you deliver?
EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL--DAY
Pulling their coats over their wet clothes, VERONICA and the
HEATHERS come out of the school.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
That was seriously warped, Veronica.
VERONICA
Uh-huh.
HEATHER DUKE
T.V. cameras!
In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS.
HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes!
HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward
the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch
on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a nearby trashcan.
INT. THE DEAN LIVING ROOM--LATE AFTERNOON
A massive T.V. set shows the image of HEATHER DUKE
posed by a tree, talking into a microphone.
HEATHER DUKE (T.V.)
I choose to remember the good times.
Like when we got our ears pierced
at the mall.
The image of HEATHER MCNAMARA sitting in the grass talking
into a microphone supersedes HEATHER DUKE's.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (T.V.)
I can still hear those late night
talks on the phone.
The image of PETER DAWSON sitting on a rock comes on next.
PETER (T.V.)
The day I won her that stuffed rhino
at the 4-H Fair, she said to me....
VERONICA (O.S.)
You're an asshole! Mute him!
VERONICA and J.D. are seen to be crashed on a couch. J.D.
pushes a button on the remote control, cutting the sound.
J.D.
Mute!
VERONICA
Next channel, darling.
The silent image of HEATHER DUKE on a staircase talking into a
microphone is on the screen.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather, how many networks did
you run to!
Country Club Courtney appears wearing a T-shirt reading BIGFUN.
VERONICA takes the remote and turns the sound on.
VERONICA
Oh, I have to hear this.
COURTNEY (T.V.)
In my heart, Heather's still alive.
VERONICA
(muting Courtney)
What are you talking about? She
hated you! You hated her!
(to J.D.)
What are you smiling at?
J.D.
Heather Chandler is more popular
than ever now.
VERONICA
Yeah. Scary stuff.
J.D. suddenly looks away from VERONICA with a mischievous
half-smile. He inexplicably calls out.
J.D.
Why son, I didn't hear you come in.
J.D.'s father FRED DEAN, stands before them, handsome
and threatening in a shirt and tie. He is rather
malevolently holding a rowing machine.
FRED DEAN
Hey Dad, how was work today?
FRED DEAN slams down his rowing machine and straddles it
before answering his own question. He rows as he speaks.
The Brady Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him.
FRED DEAN
It was miserable. Some damn tribe of
withered old bitches doesn't want us
to terminate that fleabag hotel. All
because Glenn Miller and his band once
took a shit there. It's just like
Kansas. Do you remember fucking Kansas?
J.D.
That was the one with the wheat right?
BIG BUD DEAN
The Save the Memorial Oak Tree
Society. Showed those fucks.
J.D. turns to VERONICA with a bemused smile.
J.D.
Thirty Fourth of July fireworks
attached to the trunk. Arraigned
but Acquitted.
FRED DEAN
Fucking Kansas. Gosh Pop, I almost
forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
J.D.
Veronica, Dad. Dad, Veronica.
VERONICA
Hello.
VERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shaked FRED's hand.
FRED DEAN extends his hand but makes no effort to stop rowing
hence his hand pulls away from VERONICA. Pop and son laugh.
J.D.
Jason, why don't you ask your
little friend to stay for dinner.
VERONICA
(awkwardly standing)
My Mom's making my favorite meal
tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.
J.D.
Nice. The last time I saw my Mom,
she was waving out the window of a
library in Texas. Right, Dad?
BIG BUD DEAN stops rowing to grin a You-Think-You're-Tougher-
Than-Me-But-You're-Not smile to J.D.
BIG BUD DEAD
Right, son.
VERONICA
(weakly)
Right.
EXT. THE SAWYER PATIO--DUSK
Just as in the earlier patio scene, DAD and MOM SAWYER are
seated at a patio table with an empty chair between them.
Pate is on the table. DAD smokes a cigarette.
DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.
VERONICA walks into view and sits down.
VERONICA
All right.
DAD
So what was the first day after
Heather's suicide like?
VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.
MOM
Terrible thing. So will we get to
meet this dark horse prom contender?
VERONICA
Maybe.
DAD
(looking at his cigarette)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I smoke these damn things?
VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.
DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.
DAD immediately takes another drag with a wide grin.
MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....
VERONICA
Greate pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the funeral tomorrow.
INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--DAY
A montage commences showing the HEATHERS preparing for the funeral.
HEATHER MCNAMARA models an all-black outfit in front of a
dressing table mirror. She storms away, pouting.
INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--DAY
Bobbing up from a fashion magazine whose cover story is FUNERAL
CHIC, HEATHER DUKE finishes applying black lipstick. A look of
horror passes over her face and she savagely scrubs her lips.
INT. CHURCH--DAY
A MORTICIAN puts the finishing touches on HEATHER CHANDLER,
smoothing out her clothes and buffing her face. He gently
kisses her forehead then quickly rebuffs the spot.
HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM
HEATHER MCNAMARA models another black outfit. She responds
this time with a satisfied smile.
HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM
Traditionally made up, a smiling HEATHER DUKE brings a
crucifix earring to her ear and attaches it.
INT. CHURCH--DAY
HEATHER CHANDLER serenely lies in a coffin as FATHER FAUST
bellows off-screen. A panorama of ADULTS and STUDENTS is
revealed at this more social than spiritual event. VERONICA
and J.D. watch from the back pew.
FATHER RIPPER (O.S.)
I blame not Heather but rather a
society that tells its youth that
the answers are on the MTV video
games. We must pray the other
teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know
the name of that "righteous dude"
who can solve their problems....
The bald FATHER FAUST finally comes into view.
FATHER RIPPER
(cont'd)
It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.
KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN--LATER
BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open
coffin. The viewer hears what she is thinking.
BETTY (V.O.)
May Heather Chandler rest in peace
even though she committed suicide.
For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the-
glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen.
BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits.
HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.)
Oh God, this is a tragic thing and
sometimes I have a hard time dealing
with it and stuff. Please send Heather
to heaven and all that. Thanks. I
mean, Amen.
HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place.
PETER (V.O.)
Dear God, make sure this never
happens to me. I do not think I
could handle suicide and that's
the God's honest truth. Pardon
the pun. Fast-early-acceptance-
into-an-Ivy-League-school-and-
please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen.
PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place.
RAM (V.O.)
Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did
you kill such hot snatch. That's
a joke, man. People are so serious.
(a beat)
Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,
pray for us sinners....so we don't
get caught. Another joke, man.
RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place.
HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
I prayed for the death of Heather
Chandler many times and I felt bad
every time I did, but I kept doing
it anyway. Now I know you understood
everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia.
HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't
kill Heather Chandler but hey, who
am I trying to kid, right? I just
want my high school to be a nice
place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?
CHURCH LOBBY
HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and
then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica. What are you doing tonight?
VERONICA
Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram asked me out, but he wants to
double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't
have a date.
VERONICA
Heather, I've got something
going with J.D.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on
hold tonight, I'll never forget it.
EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT--DAY
KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van.
KURT
We on tonight man?
RAM
I still got to talk to Heather,
dude. Weird funeral, huh?
KURT
Pretty weird.
Geeks RODNEY, FAT CYNIC, and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM.
BRACES obliviously steps on KURT's foot.
KURT
That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.
RAM
Let's kick his ass.
KURT
Cool off, we're seniors.
RAM
Goddamn Geek!
BRACES gives them "the finger".
BRACES
(awkwardly defiant)
Sit and spin.
KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered.
KURT
That little prick.
The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a
hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed.
KURT
All right you piece of shit fag,
do you like to suck big dicks?
BRACES
Cut it out!
RAM pushes BRACES down harder.
KURT
Say it man. Say I like to suck big dicks.
RODNEY
Leave him alone, Kurt.
J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT,
wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that
reads THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked.
RAM (O.S.)
Say it!
BRACES
Okay, okay, you like to suck big dicks.
Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries.
BRACES
I like to suck big dicks. Mmm-mm!
I can't get enough of them. Satisfied?
KURT
I'm sure your friends are happy
to hear that.
(with a lisp)
Right, guys?
ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT
VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet
lately, consoling me and stuff.
It'll be really very. Promise.
Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off
his face as his friends glumly watch on.
VERONICA
All right, but I hope it isn't
going to be one of those nights where
they get shitfaced and take us to a
pasture to tip cows.
EXT. COW PASTURE--NIGHT
A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM
scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA
and HEATHER MCNAMARA look on.
KURT
Is it sleeping, dude?
RAM
I think so, man.
KURT
Then get over on my side. Oh shit,
cowtipping is the fucking greatest.
RAM
Punch it in!
KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the
COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but
VERONICA glares it away.
KURT
Count of three, guy.
KURT AND RAM
One. Two. Three!
An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes
against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA.
DEEPER IN THE PASTURE--LATER IN THE NIGHT
KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA.
KURT
"When I get that feeling, I need
sexual healing....."
VERONICA
Yeah, right, asshole.
VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately
stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's
intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline.
Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT
squints up the hill and falls over backwards.
J.D.
What is this shit?
VERONICA
I'm doing a favor for Heather. A
double date. I tried to tell you
at the funeral but you rode off.
KURT
(still face down)
"Feel like making bah da dah bah da
dah, feel like making love."
J.D.
Another fucking Heather.
(harshly laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior
tonight. Seven high schools in seven
states and the only thing different
was my locker combination. We've broke
through the peer pressure cooker. So
what if we had to kill Miss Popularity..
VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill.
VERONICA
So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!
J.D.
Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.
J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn,
takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill.
KURT
"And she's buying the stairway to heaven.."
INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY
In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and a YEARBOOK
GIRL, wearing a BIGFUN T-shirt, confer over a layout sheet.
Dennis's Famine Fund partner PETER DAWSON pouts behind them.
DENNIS
I'm not belittling the Famine Fund
Peter, but we're talking teen suicide!
Westerburg finally got one and I'm
not going to blow it.
PETER
Great. Heather gets the headline and I
get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.
VERONICA breezes in.
VERONICA
Hi Guys. I came to check on this
week's lunchtime poll topic.
DENNIS
Don't worry about it, Veronica,
sit down. That funeral yesterday
must have been really rough.
VERONICA
Oh. Sure.
YEARBOOK GIRL
We were, uh, wondering if maybe you
had some poems or artwork that
Heather did that we could put in
the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?
VERONICA
The what?
YEARBOOK GIRL
Take a look. We'll have a two page
layout with her suicide note up
here in the right hand corner.
DENNIS
It's more tasteful than it sounds.
Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling
and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide
into chairs, laughing softly.
VERONICA
I don't know. This thing leaves a
bad taste in my mouth.
COURTNEY
Like last night, Veronica?
COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter.
VERONICA
I'm sorry? I don't get it.
COURTNEY
You did last night.
More laughter.
COURTNEY'S FRIEND
Kurt told us of your little date.
VERONICA
Yeah. And? I left him drunk and
flailing in cowshit.
COURTNEY
I don't know. He was really detailed.
PETER
Shut up, Courtney.
VERONICA
Don't shut up. I'd like to know just
what I did.
PETER
(gesturing to the door)
Let me show you that lunchtime
poll topic, Veronica.
HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP
PETER tells VERONICA.
PETER
I rarely listen to Neanderthals like
Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were
bent over like a coffee table with
Kurt going in one end and Ram coming
in the other. Pardon the pun.
VERONICA
(dazed)
Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-bitch.
Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER.
VERONICA
Thanks Pete, for the Famine Fund.
PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off.
INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DAY
VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone.
VERONICA
Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I
didn't expect to be calling either. I
guess my emotions took over. I was
wondering if you wanted all those
things you've been saying to really
happen. It's always been a fantasy of
mine to have two guys at once......
Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum.
Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud.
VERONICA throws a book at him.
VERONICA
That's right, tonight. In the woods
behind the school. Don't forget Ram.
INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN--DAY
KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face.
KURT
Women.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA
breaks into a laugh.
VERONICA
I don't get the point of me writing
a suicide note when we'll just be
shooting them with blanks.
J.D.
Get crucial. We won't be using
blanks this time.
VERONICA
You can't be serious? Hey listen,
my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.
VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed.
With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down.
J.D.
Do you take German?
VERONICA
French.
J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber.
J.D.
These are Ich Luge bullets. My
grandfather snared a shitload of
them in W.W. Two. They're like
tranquilizers only they break the
surface of the skin, enough to
cause blood, but not any real harm.
VERONICA
So it looks like the person's been
shot and killed when they're really
just unconscious and bleeding.
J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring.
J.D.
We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look
like they shot each other. By the time
Kurt and Ram regain consciousness,
they'll be the laughingstock's of the
school. The note's the punchline.
How'd it turn out?
VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also
plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of
the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both
papers.
VERONICA
First tell me this similarity is
not incredible.
J.D.
(warmly)
Incredible similarity.
VERONICA pulls back the note and reads.
VERONICA
Ram and I died the day we realized
we could never reveal our forbidden
love to an uncaring and ununderstanding
world. The joy we shared in each other's
arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet
we were forced to live the lie of Sexist-
Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole.
J.D.
Exquisite, but I don't think
ununderstanding is a word.
VERONICA
We don't want to make them out to be
too secretly eloquent. Why would the
Germans invent a bullet that doesn't
kill people? I mean it was World War
Two, not a school play.
J.D.
(rapid-fire)
They used them on themselves to
make it look like they were dead.
Really quite a brilliant device, but
too flamboyant to seriously produce.
VERONICA
Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.
VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable
tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her.
J.D.
It doesn't work on small animals!
VERONICA
Oh.
J.D.
Uh well hey, let's take a look at the
homosexual artifacts I dug up. Now,
prepare to be a little disappointed.
J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the
contents on the bed.
J.D.
We've got a Playgirl, a candy dish, a
Joan Crawford post card, and lipstick.
VERONICA
You must have had fun.
J.D.
You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot.
The one perfecto thing I picked up...
J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly
raises out two bottles of Perrier water.
J.D.
Perrier water!
VERONICA
Oh come on. Lots of people drink
Perrier. It's come a long way.
J.D.
This is Ohio. If you don't have a
brewsky in your hand after dark you
might as well be wearing a dress.
VERONICA
(mock-seductively)
Oh, you're so smart. How about a
little heterosexuality before we go?
J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--NIGHT
A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk
through the parking lot toward the woods.
RAM
(singing)
Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever
need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello
Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...
KURT
Shut the fuck up, all right.
RAM
Lighten up, dude. In those woods is
some of the finest pussy in the school
and we don't even have to buy it a
hamburger and a Diet Coke. Punch it in!
KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM.
EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS--NIGHT
VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods.
She nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT
and RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods.
KURT
Hi Veronica.
VERONICA
(forced cheerfulness)
Hi Guys. Glad you could make it.
RAM smacks his hands together.
RAM
So do we just start fucking?
VERONICA
I've made a circle on each end of
the clearing. Ram, you come over here.
KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him.
A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at
the opposite end of the foggy clearing.
VERONICA
When you get in the circle, strip.
The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes.
RAM
What about you?
VERONICA
I was hoping you'd rip my clothes
off me, sport.
RAM
Oh. Good idea.
KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies.
VERONICA
Count of three, guys.
RAM giggles in anticipation.
VERONICA
One.
KURT finally cracks a smile.
VERONICA
Two.
J.D. suddenly moves next to VERONICA holding a gun in his
right hand and the feminine shopping bag in his left.
J.D.
Three.
J.D. almost non-chalantly shoots RAM in the forehead.
VERONICA rips out her gun and swings it toward KURT. Using
both hands, she fires, but misses completely. KURT runs
away onto the path. VERONICA throws down her gun with a smile.
VERONICA
Shucks.
J.D. races to VERONICA in a white sweat.
J.D.
Did you miss him completely?
VERONICA
(giggling)
Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth
it just to see the look on....
J.D.
Don't move! I'll get him back!
VERONICA's laughter cuts off like a faucet. Suddenly trembling
and confused, she watches J.D. bolt into the woods.
THE PATH
A panicked KURT runs on the path through the woods.
OFF THE PATH
J.D., with a cold efficiency, weaves through trees.
THE CLEARING
VERONICA turns toward Ram's collapsed body.
THE PATH
KURT sees the opening at the end of the woods. J.D. suddenly
moves into the light at the end of the woods and raises his gun.
KURT runs back the other way with a strangled moan.
THE CLEARING
VERONICA approaches Ram's body with increasing shivers. He
does not look bleeding and unconscious. He looks bleeding
and dead, dead, dead.
KURT barrels into the clearing as J.D. howls from the woods.
J.D.
Now!
In a burst of frightened, animal instinct, VERONICA whips
around and fires her gun right into KURT's chest.
SQUAD CAR IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT
Two cops, MILNER and McCORD, smoke marijuana in a squad car
already filled with smoke. After a coughing fit, MILNER shouts.
MILNER
I heard it that time!
McCORD
Wha?
MILNER
Another gunshot! From the woods!
McCORD
Shit, let's roll.
The two officer explode out of the car.
THE CLEARING
J.D. puts his gun in RAM's right hand while VERONICA
zombiesquely does the same with KURT and her gun.
VERONICA
Kurt doesn't look too good.
J.D.
Remember he's left-handed.
A quivering VERONICA puts the gun in KURT's left hand.
MILNER (O.S.)
Keep going until you hit the clearing!
J.D.'s head snaps forward. He yanks up VERONICA. They both run
into the woods behind RAM's body as the two Cops charge into
the clearing, guns raised. Seeing the Jocks, they stop.
McCORD
Mother of Shit!
MILNER
Call in!
MILNER looks toward where VERONICA and J.D. ran out.
MILNER
I heard something out there. I'm
checking it out.
MILNER runs off as McCORD shouts into a walkie-talkie. He is
holding the pulse of KURT KELLY.
McCORD
This is Officer McCord and I've got
two dead bodies in the woods behind
Westerburg High. Oh my God, one of
them's Kurt Kelly, the quarterback.
IN THE WOODS
VERONICA and J.D. flow through the trees. An Owl hoos.
ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS
MILNER blindly barrels through the woods.
JUST OUTSIDE THE WOODS
VERONICA and J.D. come out of the woods and start running up
a grassy hill toward VERONICA's car which is parked on top.
J.D.
Faster!
IN THE WOODS
MILNER is jolted by an OWL-HOO, then continues moving.
THE HILL
VERONICA and J.D. reach the car, panting.
MILNER races out of the woods just as VERONICA and J.D. slam
the car doors closed behind them. MILNER huffs up the hill.
THE SAWYER CAR
VERONICA and J.D. somersault into the backseat and begin
taking off their clothes.
THE HILL
MILNER continues to move up the hill.
THE SAWYER CAR
VERONICA and J.D., stripped down to their underwear, embrace.
OUTSIDE THE CAR
MILNER approaches the car and peers in. His crackling walkie-
talkie startles him.
McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?
MILNER moves away from the car, then speaks into his walkie-talkie.
MILNER
Think what I heard was just a
stinking owl. All I got is two kids
making out in the backseat of a
car. Should I pry them apart?
McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Forget it. I got all the answers
back here, partner.
THE SAWYER CAR
Seeing the cop move away. VERONICA and J.D. stop kissing. They
catch their breath, smile, then continue passionately necking.
THE CLEARING
MILNER runs back into the clearing.
MILNER
What's the deal?
McCORD
Suicide. Double Suicide. They shot
each other.
MILNER
That's Kurt Kelly!
McCORD
Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
MILNER
Oh my God, suicide? Why?
McCORD
Does this answer your question?
McCORD reaches in the feminine shopping bag and pulls out the
bottles of Perrier water.
MILNER
Oh man, they were fags!
McCORD
Listen up, "We could never reveal our
forbidden love to an uncaring and
ununderstanding world."
MILNER
Ah Jesus H. Fuck. Kurt was a Parade
magazine Honorable Mention...
MILNER shakes his head slowly then suddenly looks up.
MILNER
Wait a second. How did they shoot
each other if we heard two separate
sets of gunshots?
McCORD
Shit, I always hear gunshots when I'm
high. Life is one crazy bitch. Don't
try to analyze it. The quarterback
buggering the linebacker. What a waste.
MILNER
Oh the humanity.
INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--MORNING
Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a
little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table.
KEVIN STAPLES
(sotto voce to Counselor Hyde)
After every touchdown or whatever,
they give each other a little slap
on the bottom. It seems innocent...
PAULINE (O.S.)
Shut up.
The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note.
MRS. POPE
Look at this. "Ununderstanding."
PAULINE
Will you shut up! We were in a
similar position Monday and I
thoughtfully suggested that we get
the students together for an
unadulterated emotional outpouring.
You took the suggestion as an
opportunity to play yet another round
of "Let's laugh at the Hippie."
COUNSELOR HYDE
Pauline, if you want a tryout
for the school play....
PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of
bullshit--angel dust, switchblades,
sexually perverse photography
exhibits involving tennis racquets,
but this suicide thing....I guess
it's all on Pauline's wavelength.
We're just going to write off today,
and Friday she can do her little
little love-in or whatever. Whatever.
EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT--MORNING
VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot.
THE SAWYER CAR
A battered VERONICA climbs into the front seat, pulling on her
blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D. rumbles
from the back as other cars begin to fill the lot.
VERONICA
We killed them, didn't we?
J.D.
Of course.
VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm
of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the
lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh
of VERONICA's hand as she wails away.
VERONICA
Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot!
J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in
outside of the parking lot, in front of the school.
J.D.
You believed it because you wanted
to believe it. Your true feelings were
too gross and icky for you to face.
VERONICA
I did not want them dead.
J.D.
Did to.
VERONICA
Did not.
J.D.
Did to.
VERONICA
Did not.
J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-to's".
VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and
singing "We're Off to See the Wizard." J.D.'s "did-to's"
get louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn.
PARKING LOT
HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering
through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping car
and its sparring occupants.
HEATHER DUKE
Ah, young love.
The SQUEALING GIRL bounds up to the Heathers.
SQUEELING GIRL
Did you hear? School's cancelled
today because Kurt and Ram killed
themselves in a repressed
homosexual suicide pact.
HEATHER DUKE
(incredulous, but amused)
No way!
THE SAWYER CAR
J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit
cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes
the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket.
J.D.
Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt
and Ram had nothing to offer the school
but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.
VERONICA
(looking to her burnt hand)
Sure. Can we make an ice run
before the funeral?
STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out.
EXT. CEMETERY GROUNDS--DAY
A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY,
stands over his son's open grave. FATHER FAUST and a
seated mixture of ADULTS and STUDENTS watch on.
MR. KELLY
If there's any way you can hear me,
Kurt buddy, I don't care that you
really were some pansy. You're my
flesh-and-blood. You made me proud.
I love my homosexual son. My son's
gay and I love him!
In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D.
VERONICA
Your son's dead and you love him.
J.D.
How do you think Mr. Kelly would
react to a son with a limp wrist
with a pulse?
They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at her.
She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is soaked
in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated grimace.
INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM--NIGHT
Still in stylish funeral garb and dark sunglasses, VERONICA
collapses onto her couch, splaying next to her MOM. The
Sawyer T.V. flashes against Veronica's shades.
MOM
How was the funeral?
VERONICA
(deadpan)
Superb.
A young, statuesque blonde appears on-screen. A Super
reading WHITNEY JAMES-W.E.T.C. COMMENTARY flashes on.
WHITNEY JAMES (T.V.)
It looks like the teen suicide
epidemic has hit home in Sherwood
as the death toll at Westerburg
High rockets to three.
A shiny number three flashes on and off in the screen's corner.
WHITNEY JAMES (T.V.)
Heather Chandler, Kurt Kelly, and
Rupert "Ram" Sweeney all had good
looks and popularity, but there's
one thing they didn't have: Values,
Ambition, and Hope.
VERONICA
That's three things.
WHITNEY JAMES (T.V.)
It rained everyday of my Maui
vacation, but hey, I didn't kill
myself. I'm Whitney James, Commentary.
The camera pans to an affable ANCHORMAN.
ANCHORMAN (T.V.)
Thanks Whitney, but I hate to say
it. It looks like you brought that
rainy weather back with you.
Tomorrow's forecast calls for...
INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
VERONICA lies on the floor next to a Vodka bottle. She
drinks out of a Dixie cup as she talks on the phone.
VERONICA
No, it's okay J.D., I just kind of
wanted to talk.....Oh, a newsmagazine
show on Channel 16. Really? On the
suicides. No, sounds great. Bye.
VERONICA hangs up and looks to her battered diary lying
against the wall. She crawls to the diary and then reaches
up to her night table to pull down her monocle and a pen.
She sucks a cup of Vodka and begins writing.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit
has a body count.
Sitting up against her bed, VERONICA continues writing as
J.F.K. laps up Vodka from the Dixie cup.
VERONICA (V.O.)
The most popular people in the school
are dead. Everybody's sad, but it's a
good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather
depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I
gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing
but what really frightens me is that
I'm not frightened by what J.D.'ll do
next. It's God versus my boyfriend
and God's losing....
VERONICA drops her head back and closes her eyes, popping
out her monocle. She swoons down against the bed onto the
floor and curls into a fetal slumber.
THE CAFETERIA
STUDENTS eat and buzz together in typical cacophony. All are
wearing black armbands. A jukebox roars.
PAULINE FLEMING and an entourage of STUDENTS such as PETER
DAWSON and the HEATHERS invade the cafeteria, heads raised high.
PAULINE
Peter, kill the jukebox.
As the jukebox amusingly grinds to a halt, PAULINE hoists up
a bullhorn to her lips and crackles...
PAULINE
Could I have your attention?
A startled Geek RODNEY splatters milk all over himself.
STUDENTS whip their heads around to the front of the cafeteria.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK warily looks up from her plate.
PAULINE FLEMING chants with soaring self-importance.
PAULINE
Our school has been torn apart by
tragedy. I'm here today to fuse it
back together through love! I want
everyone to clasp hands. We need to
connect this cafeteria into one mighty
circuit. Let's begin a new happiness!
A tableau of dumbfounded STUDENTS stare at the Bullhorn Woman.
INT. MAIN HALLWAY--SAME TIME
Hungover in dark sunglasses, VERONICA stumbles down the hall. She
stops to read a sign plastered on a wall: THE NEW HAPPINESS-
A Special Lunchtime Announcement Ala Pauline Fleming. VERONICA
takes off her sunglasses, squints, then continues down the hall.
THE CAFETERIA
PAULINE's Evita Peron-like composure is crumbling.
PAULINE
Yo, what's the problem? I know you
know how to hold hands. Ring-around-
the-rosy-a-pocketful-of-posy...Forget it!
I'm just so thrilled to announce that
Whitney James of WETC News is taping a
rap session with students from area
high schools including Westerburg.
Cheers raucously emerge from the enlivened students.
PAULINE
Let's show the world Westerburg is a
diverse happy home, not Suicide Central!
(shrewdly)
You know there's some people who say
Westerburg is too weak and wimpy a
school to be on T.V. Is that true?
The STUDENTS make loud, scattered rumblings of the word "No."
PAULINE hungrily unbuttons her paisley blazer.
PAULINE
No or Hell No?
STUDENTS
(louder)
Hell no!
Frightened and flustered by the fanatic camaraderie around her,
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK quakes for a moment then crawls
underneath her table.
PAULINE
I can't hear you....
Fingering her bangs in an attempt at composure, VERONICA steps
into the cafeteria and her fellow students boom.
STUDENTS
HELL NO!
As a blown away VERONICA takes in the panorama of students
from different cliques chanting to the beat of PAULINE's
gospel recital, PAULINE's voice is replaced on the
soundtrack by the evocative female moanings of the opening scene.
J.D., also wearing a black armband, stalks VERONICA from
behind. His hand unzips her dress.
The female voices swell louder as a glowing VERONICA takes in
glorious images. Geek BRACES and a JOCK chant together, standing
on chairs. HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEAVY METALER MATT look to each
other dubiously then mindlessly shout out. A MORRISONESQUE
STONER dances on a table of cheering BETTY-FINN-A-LIKES.
J.D. slides his hand through the opening in Veronica's dress.
The female voices cut off as the spell over VERONICA breaks.
She swings her elbow into J.D.'s stomach.
VERONICA
Can't you see this is a special moment?
J.D.
I was just making it more special.
PAULINE (O.S.)
Veronica, there you are!
VERONICA spins to an electric PAULINE FLEMING glistening in the
mouth of the cafeteria, flanked by HEATHER DUKE and PETER DAWSON.
PAULINE
You people are in charge of getting
delegates from every clique in the
school to be on the Whitney James
Teenage Suicide Prevention T.V. Special.
Let's be able to say we were the ones
who put peer pressure out to pasture.
J.D. looks out through the cafeteria. He sees Martha poke her
head out from beneath her lunch table then dart back under.
J.D. moves away from the chattering group.
PETER
Westerburg? A happy family?
PAULINE
I'm sure you'll work something out.
HEATHER DUKE
(wickedly)
Don't worry. We'll work something out.
VERONICA
Yes. Yes. We'll work something out.
I swear to God. Won't we J.D.?...J.D.?
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE
MARTHA slithers from under the table up into her seat, and head
down, trys to finish off a bowl of soup. She slowly looks up and
freezes. J.D. is revealed to be seated across from her, behind his
Rebel Without a Cause lunch box. He smiles warmly.
J.D.
Greetings and salutations.
INT. J.D.'S LIVING ROOM--NIGHT
VERONICA beams and babbles over the room while on the couch,
J.D. restlessly works his channel changer.
VERONICA
You shoulda stuck around, jerk. Ms.
Fleming wants to redefine the high
school experience.
J.D.
She wants to ignore the high school
experience. Our way's better. We
scare people into not being assholes.
VERONICA
Don't even talk about that stuff!
J.D. comically cups his hands together to holler.
J.D.
You mean the time you blew Kurt
Kelly's ass away!
VERONICA throws the first thing she can get her hands on, a
framed picture of a woman, at the roaring J.D.
VERONICA
You can be so immature!
J.D.
(looking off)
You kids are making too much damn noise.
FRED DEAN is revealed to be standing in the front doorway,
holding a chest exerciser and waving a videocassette.
FRED DEAN
We beat the bitches.
VERONICA
(mumbling)
Oh beautiful. The Beaver's home.
FRED DEAN
Judge told em to slurp shit and die.
FRED DEAN crams the cassette in his V.C.R. and hefts up a chest
exerciser. He begins pumping away as the image of a shabby
building appears on the massive T.V.
FRED DEAN
I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
Masterful. When that blew, it set off
a pack of thermals I'd stuck upstairs.
The building blows up. FRED DEAN cackles. J.D. politely
applauds. FRED pops out the videocassette and bounces away.
FRED DEAN
It's great to be alive!
VERONICA
Do you like your father?
J.D.
Never given the matter much thought.
Liked my mother.
J.D. picks up the framed picture that Veronica threw.
J.D.
They said her death was an accident.
But she knew when the explosives were
set to go off. She knew...
VERONICA slowly sits down next to J.D. with dazed concern.
VERONICA
Let's just...settle down. Ms. Fleming
has given us a chance to atone for...
J.D.
Our sins? What sins? If you put a
Nazi in a concentration camp, does
that make you a Nazi?
VERONICA
Maybe.
J.D. exhales in frustration and changes some more channels.
J.D.
Whoa! Amazing!
THE T.V. SCREEN
A music video flashes on the Dead T.V. screen. THREE GORGEOUS
WOMEN, stylishly furnished, evocatively wail the female moans
heard throughout the film. The video viewpoint then pans to
two overly gorgeous young men wearing trendy hair and trendy
clothes. They sing/shout before an all-white background. A
SUPER in the corner reads BIGFUN/TEENAGE SUICIDE (DON'T DO IT).
BIGFUN (T.V.)
TIMES ARE MEAN FOR A TEEN--WE KNOW!
PARENTS IGNORE, TEACHERS BORE--WE KNOW!
J.D.
It's the new BigFun video!
VIDEO: INT. A GIRL'S BEDROOM--DAY
Now in full screen, the video viewpoint cuts to a very depressed
and very cute, white, female VID VICTIM ONE sitting at her
dressing table. She pours a bottle of pills into her hand.
BIGFUN (V.O.)
BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GO!
BIGFUN magically materialize next to VID VICTIM ONE. The pills
in her hand have turned into jellybeans. She is ridiculously happy.
BIGFUN
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
J.D. pulls out a gun with an ethereal expression on his face.
J.D.
We've made MTV.
J.D. fires into the radiant image of BIGFUN, destroying the
T.V. and disgusting VERONICA, who bolts off the couch. He
raucously crawls after her.
VERONICA
We're breaking up. I am out!
J.D.
Wha-at? Come on, there's another
T.V. in the kitchen. You know
you used to have a sense of humor.
J.D. playfully tackles VERONICA. This calms rather than angers.
She turns on her back. J.D. follows suit.
VERONICA
You're getting too cool for me, J.D.
I don't know how to talk to you.
J.D.
Our relationship's moving fast, I know,
but I have real, real respect for you.
VERONICA sighs, then rolls over into a crawling position and
eventually into a walking-out-the-door position.
VERONICA
I'm going to make this Ms. Pauline
thing work. Lines of communication
between the cliques. You were a phase....
J.D.
Phase my ass! You'll be back! I'm
storming Normandy beaches and you're
running in place with Pauline Fonda's
airhead peacenik exercise program.
Have to stay tough! You'll be back.
J.D. bounds up to a kitchen counter and flicks on a small T.V.
BIGFUN can be heard booming their song. J.D. broods.
INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY
J.D. moves to an empty row of desks. He turns the first desk as
to face the second. HEATHER DUKE warily lowers herself into the
second desk as J.D. flops a manilla envelope onto it. HEATHER
DUKE opens the envelope and pulls out a stack of 8 by 10's.
She gasps.
The first shot shows a YOUNG HEATHER DUKE in a summer camp
uniform that vibrantly reads HEATHER, She is holding one end
of a large poster board drawing of two Eskimos rubbing noses.
Holding the other end, in a summer camp uniform vibrantly
reading MARTHA, is a YOUNG MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
HEATHER DUKE
What the.....
With a harsh laugh, she takes in the next photograph. It has
YOUNG HEATHER DUKE and YOUNG MARTHA eating toasted
marshmallows off each other's sticks.
HEATHER DUKE
(trying to stay clam)
Where did you get these?
J.D.
Oh, I just had the nicest chat with
Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's
scary how everyone's got a story to
tell....Would you care to see the
canoeing shots?
HEATHER DUKE
What do you want from me?
J.D.
Strength. Westerburg doesn't need mushy
togetherness, it needs a leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader but...
HEATHER DUKE
But she couldn't handle it.
J.D. laughs. She's on the ball.
J.D.
I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye
Holden says his ideal job'd be making
sure some kids don't fall off a cliff.
He doesn't realize if you pay too much
attention to the kids, you'll back off
the cliff yourself.
HEATHER DUKE
Very very. The photographs?
J.D.
Don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a
favor. You'll get the negatives and
everything back then.
J.D. launches away from his desk with a grin. He places a
red ribbon on HEATHER DUKE's desk.
J.D.
In the meantime, strength, And hey,
there's a little gift.
INT. THE GIRLS BATHROOM
A spooked HEATHER DUKE splashes water on her face and looks up
into the mirror. In a trance, she pulls her hair back Heather
Chandler fashion and ties it with the ribbon J.D. gave her.
A BETTY FINN-A-LIKE moves up to the sink beside her. Two CHIC
BABES enter the bathroom with pouting expressions. Seemingly
in a trance, HEATHER DUKE bends over and wipes off her wet
hands using the oblivious BETTY FINN-A-LIKE's dress. HEATHER
DUKE winks to the now-giggling CHIC BABES and saunters off.
HALLWAY
HEATHER DUKE bursts through the bathroom door to wickedly
strut down the hall. She scowls/smiles in perfect Heather
Chandler fashion to various passers-by.
EARL FRAZIER'S LOCKER
VERONICA genially lobbys the big black EARL FRAZIER.
EARL
Let me get it clear, Veronica. You
want yourself a sweet homeboy for
this T.V. show so you can show
everybody what a loose, Martin Luther
Cosby-lovng place Westerburg is.
VERONICA
(chuckling)
Something like that. Will you do it?
EARL
Damn, you're a shrewd one. Shrewd.
VERONICA
I just want to show different kinds
of people can get together and it
doesn't have to be Vietnam. You don't
get treated badly here do you?
EARL
I don't get treated at all, but hey,
don't worry about it. I'll do your
thing. It'll give my Mom a smile.
VERONICA hands him a Guest Pass tag.
VERONICA
Things are going to change, Earl.
EARL
Uh-huh.
HEATHER DUKE impishly blinds VERONICA with her hands.
HEATHER DUKE
Guess who?
VERONICA
Heather.
HEATHER DUKE lets go with a small giggle. VERONICA turns to
face her Heather Chandler-looking friend and her smile dies.
VERONICA violently pushes HEATHER DUKE away and storms off.
INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
Lying on the floor, VERONICA concentrates on her phone. With
a deep sigh, she pushbuttons out a number. She pauses, then...
VERONICA
Ouch. Your machine's got the most
obnoxious beep. Heather, I'm sorry.
INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM
VERONICA's voice drones through HEATHER DUKE's answering machine.
VERONICA (O.S./machine)
I'm just calling to say you can
wear your hair any way you want to.
A Male hand picks up the phone. It's College boy DAVID.
DAVID
Hey Veronica Sawyer, barf on
anybody's carpet lately?
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA cringes.
VERONICA
Is this David? Heather's David?
What are you doing....
HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM
DAVID
What can I say? I was pretty broken
up by Heather C.'s suicide. I needed
somebody super-sensitive like Heather D.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA
I'm delirious for the both of you.
Can you put Heather on?
HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM
DAVID proudly looks down off-screen to his lap.
DAVID
She can't really talk right now.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA slams down the receiver and pulls up a sleek leather
address book. She severely scans through it. Tossing it away,
VERONICA then descends into the sundry junk of her night
table drawer and draws up another address book; this one is
frayed and pink polka-dotted. She peruses it and dials.....
VERONICA
Hello, Betty.....
EXT. SAWYER BACKYARD--DAY
BETTY FINN hits her ball through a wicket and squeals in
delight. VERONICA has a motherly smile on her face.
BETTY
I don't believe it. I'm winning.
VERONICA
Don't get cocky, girl.
BETTY bends down to shoot then raises her body back up.
BETTY
I missed you. I know I'm not as, as
exciting as your other friends.
VERONICA
That's bullshit. Just shoot.
BETTY once again bends and raises.
BETTY
Ronnie, I'm still a virgin.
VERONICA
(warmly)
Shoot.
BETTY finally shoots. Feebly.
VERONICA
Betty, your daydreams are a lot
better than my realities, believe
me. I'm afraid though it's time to
get your butt kicked.
BETTY
Ronnie!
VEONCIA gigglingly shoots, but misses the wicket. And instead
hits BETTY's ball. Disturbed by the sudden dilemma, she
determinedly walks to her ball and moves it away from BETTY's.
BETTY
Hey, you're not settling for the two
shots are you? Knock me out girl.
It's the only way.
VERONICA
It's not my style, okay?
BETTY
Nice guys finish last. I should know.
VERONICA sighs then knocks BETTY's adjacent ball sailing
toward the porch and a statuesque HEATHER DUKE who does
not budge as the ball whizzes past her.
HEATHER DUKE
Brav-o!
BETTY FINN
(nervously)
I've got to get going, Veronica.
See you at the studio.
VERONICA
Sure. See ya.
HEATHER DUKE walks toward the girls followed by a meandering
desultory HEATHER MCNAMARA, who picks up a green mallet and
fragilely swings it; her early robustness a forgotten memory.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Croquet won't be the same without Heather.
HEATHER DUKE hustles back toward a passing BETTY FINN.
HEATHER DUKE
Oh Betty, wait. I almost forgot...The
Whitney James Teenage Suicide
Prevention T.V. Special isn't going
to be taped at the studios. It's
going to be done in the Park.
BETTY
But I thought...
HEATHER DUKE
(heading back)
It's going to be like a big picnic.
Bring some potato salad...HEY, I'M RED!
LATER IN THE GAME
HEATHER DUKE's red ball slams into HEATHER MCNAMARA's green one.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Shit.
VERONICA
So did you call people to tell them
how to get to the studio tonight?
HEATHER DUKE savagely "sends" HEATHER MACNAMARA's ball into
the flower bed.
HEATHER DUKE
Back off. I called everyone, even that
Stoner slut. Felt like giving my phone
a bath. I told Betty just now...Damn!
HEATHER DUKE's shot swerves wide of the wicket.
VERONICA
You're so polluted. Talking down to
people, making fake notes....
VERONICA blows her shot.
HEATHER DUKE
I don't see what gives you the right
to lecture, Ronnie. You were
soulmates with Betty Finn until you
realized you're the cover of
Seventeen magazine and she's the
before half of a Scarsdale Diet ad.
HEATHER DUKE bashes her ball into VERONICA's and prepares
to send it.
HEATHER DUKE
Some people just don't matter. Why
should those who do carry their
weight? Am I right?
As HEATHER DUKE swings down her mallet, VERONICA steps on her
own ball. When HEATHER DUKE's mallet makes contact, the two
balls slam against each other, unmoving, with a loud smack.
VERONICA
No, you're wrong. It's not even
your turn.
The depressed and disoriented HEATHER MCNAMARA, laying
against a tree, pipes in.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
She's right.....Boy, croquet's not
the same without Heather.
INT. WETC T.V. STATION--DUSK
In a sleek WETC station hallway, VERONICA SAWYER, a Guest Pass
affixed to her heart, holds her hand in a spurting drinking
fountain. She watches the water splash her car lighter burn-mark.
VERONICA
Ich Luge bullets. I'm such a jerk.
PETER DAWSON beams toward her, wearing a Guest Pass.
PETER DAWSON
Veronica, I thought we lost you.
VERONICA
I was waiting for my friend Betty.
VERONICA looks at her watch then joins PETER's march down the hall.
PETER DAWSON
Teens talking it out on T.V.! Would it be
pretentious of me to attach a videocassette
of the show on my Princeton application?
VERONICA
Shucks, that's a great idea, Pete.
They burst through the studio double doors.
STUDIO
VERONICA and PETER take in a panorama of attractive, clean-cut
STUDENTS from various schools chatting near Wine and Cheese
tables set up to the side of an impressive, elevated,
circular stage. All STUDENTS are wearing pink armbands.
PETER DAWSON
This is excellent, but I thought we
were going to get equal representation
on this thind: Geeks, Gearheads...
Out of nowhere, a bubbling HEATHER DUKE knots a pink armband
around PETER's arm with a giggle.
HEATHER DUKE
They're probably just being
fashionably late.
PETER DAWSON prances off with a raucous laugh. VERONICA stares
dumbfounded at the wicked homogeneity of the STUDENTS as HEATHER
DUKE ties a pink armband on her.
HEATHER DUKE
Is this very or what? Oh, you've
gotta meet Whitney James! Come on!
HEATHER DUKE tugs VERONICA across the crowded studio floor to
where the WETC news set is situated. Smoking casually in her
anchor's chair is the beautiful WHITNEY JAMES.
HEATHER DUKE
Whitney, here's my friend.....
WHITNEY JAMES
Ah please sit down.
HEATHER DUKE glides away. VERONICA uncomfortably steps onto
the news set and moves down next to WHITNEY JAMES.
WHITNEY JAMES
I got a confession to make. My name
used to be Heather, too.
VERONICA
But my name's not...
WHITNEY JAMES
People just don't take the name Heather
seriously. They should, shouldn't they?
WINE AND CHEESE TABLE
HEATHER MCNAMARA surreptitiously picks up a bottle of wine and
with a sad expression, proceeds to down it.
THE NEWS SET
VERONICA apologizes to a blissfully oblivious WHITNEY JAMES.
VERONICA
I'm so sorry. I was led to believe there
were going to be different kinds of social
and psychological types at this gathering.
WHITNEY JAMES
Oh, I was scared of the same thing, Heather.
The minute you try to deal with the actual
teenagers who have contemplated suicide
you're stepping into quicksand. Quicksand
filled with bad complexions, bad grades,
bad parents, bad drugs, and all sorts of
doody nobody wants to hear let alone
bend down to clean up.
WHITNEY JAMES tears open a bag of Corn Nuts and showers some
into her mouth. She speaks as she sucks and chews.
WHITNEY JAMES
I'm not knocking teen suicide. It's
exciting stuff. My personal faves
are those kids from loaded families
grabbing the mike to whine how even
though they bagged a B.M.W. on their
birthday, they're still quote-unquote
depressed. It's ridiculous. People who
say money can't buy happiness don't
know where to shop.
WHITNEY JAMES titters. VERONICA is a statue of mortification.
EXT. THE NEIGHBORHOOD PARK--TWILIGHT
In the neighborhood park, gloomy members of various cliques sit
in silence at picnic tables. All are ludicrously wearing
Guest Passes. BETTY FINN mumbles down to her potato salad.
EARL FRAZIER stoically stares off into space. Heavy Metaler
CLYDE holds an absurdly large picnic basket.
CLYDE
What the fuck?
NEWS SET
Completely flabbergasted, VERONICA manages a light tone.
VERONICA
The world wants winners, I guess.
Not people stained with loserness.
WHITNEY JAMES
Stained with loserness. Oh, I like
it. Can I use that. It'd be
dynamite on interoffice memoranda.
VERONICA
It's all yours, Heather. Now if you'll
excuse me, I'm going to go throw up.
WHITNEY JAMES
Sure. Ciao.
STUDIO FLOOR
Sickened, VERONICA stumbles onto the studio floor. Studio
lights suddenly pop on, momentarily blinding her. PAULINE
grabs VERONICA by the arm and shouts into the air.
PAULINE
Everyone take their places on the stage!
(to Veronica)
Isn't this thrilling?!
VERONICA
But Ms. Fleming, it's just not right.
PAULINE
What, the wine? I realize you're all
under 21, but it seemed like such a
perfect touch.
(shouting upward)
Could we get some more light up here?
THE STAGE
The pink armbanded Aryan youths form a circle on the circular stage.
Pauline moves to a microphone at the center stage beside a
seated WHITNEY JAMES who's tuning her electric guitar.
VERONICA helplessly stands between the circle of STUDENTS and
the two female hosts as the cameras go on. PAULINE sings/speaks
into the microphone while WHITNEY JAMES strums her guitar.
PAULINE
Our schools have been torn apart by
tragedy. Let's fuse them back together
through love. Let's clasp hands and
connect ourselves in one mighty circuit
like a dove.
The students sthereally reach out to each other and clasp
hands. VERONICA quivers for a moment then bursts through
a handholding HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA and off the stage.
PAULINE (O.S.)
Let's begin a new happiness...
VERONICA swaggers past a seated TECHNICIAN. He pushes up a
console lever causing the outer edge of the stage, where the
circle of hand-holding students is, to slowly spin around
the singing PAULINE and the strumming WHITNEY JAMES.
PAULINE
...with no more suicide...
STUDENTS
(eeriely)
Oh yeah...
Ripping off her pink armband, VERONICA freezes. Standing at
the wine and cheese table, gunslinger coat and all, is J.D.
He turns around and raises his wine glass for a gleeful toast.
J.D.
Holy traumatic experiences, Batman.
I'm sorry you felt you had to put
yourself through all that shit. I
told you it wouldn't...Hey, it's in
the past already, right?
PAULINE
No more problems....
Devastated, VERONICA sways back toward the TECHNICIAN's console.
VERONICA
Oh yeah.
VERONICA slams the lever back down forcing the spinning circle
of handholding, pink-armbanded STUDENTS to crash to the ground
around a taken-aback PAULINE and WHITNEY JAMES.
J.D.
Cute.
WHITNEY JAMES playfully lets off a Hendrixian riff before
coolly leaning over to her microphone.
WHITNEY JAMES
Let's go for another take.
OUTSIDE STUDIO DOORS
VERONICA bursts through the studio doors, panting rapidly. She
kicks off her shoes and begins to jog barefoot through the
station hallway, weaving through various REPORTER-types.
EXT. OUTSIDE T.V. STATION--TWILIGHT
VERONICA pops out the studio door, running faster.
GRAVELLY ROAD
She sprints down the side of a road. Her bare feet pound
against sharp pebbles.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD PARK
VERONICA now barrels through the neighborhood park. She looks
to her outcast classmates. In tableau, they stare back. BETTY
FINN on a park carousel spins in and out of view.
PROMENADE
VERONICA speeds past the shops and the movie theatre. The viewer
remains at the theatre ticket booth as MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
wearing a BIGFUN T-shirt, pushes three dollars through the
ticket window to a bored female cashier.
CASHIER
Bargain matinees are for the first
show only.
MARTHA
Oh, I forgot.
MARTHA puts two crumpled bucks through the window. The
CASHIER shines a cruelly patronizing smile.
INT. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM--NIGHT
VERONICA huffs and puffs into her family room where her MOM and
DAD are watching T.V.
DAD
Hey Veronica, how'd that Teenage
Prevention T.V. Suicide thing go?
VERONICA
Color me educated. I learned high
school happiness is for members only,
Pauline Fleming wouldn't know reality
if it lived in her uterus, and reality's
name's Heather James. Also, J.D.'s a
major creep.
MOM
I don't know what you're talking
about, honey, but can it wait a bit.
We're watching this special program
on Teen Problems.
VERONICA half-bitterly laughs at the irony.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
The light of the screen flickers on an overwhelmingly sullen
MARTHA. She moves her leg and knocks a large Coke across the
floor. She tragically stares at the Cola pool.
SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM
A DAN RATHER VOICE booms from the T.V. The SAWYERS stare.
DAN RATHER VOICE (O.S.)
Oh sure, I'll bet even back when I
went to school there were drugs, even
sex, but they were simpler times. The
Sherwood suicides tell the bitter
truth of today's young. What a waste...Oh
VERONICA snaps off the T.V.
MOM
Turn that back on!
VERONICA
This condescending junk makes suicide
seem like a cool thing to do. Hey
kids, make your parents and teachers
feel like shit! Get the respect in
death you'll never get in life.
DAD
If we're not going to watch that
program, can I put on the game?
MOM
Are you trying to tell me it is not
a troubled time for the nation's youth?
VERONICA
Everybody cares for youth but nobody
cares about Joey Blow. When that news
reporter gets home he'll scream at his
son for not mowing the lawn in the
right pattern.
MOM
I'm lost. You don't get enough
attention, you get too much attention.
Which is it? Where are your shoes?
VERONICA
All we want is to be treated like
human beings, not like guinea pigs
to be experimented on and not like
bunny rabbits to be patronized.
DAD
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
MOM
Treated like human beings? Is that
what you said little Miss Voice of
a Generation? Just how do you think
adults act with other adults? You
think it's all just Doubles Tennis.
Adults can be horrible to other adults.
When teenagers complain that they
want to be treated like human beings,
it's usually because they are being
treated like human beings.
VERONICA leans against the wall with a melancholy smile.
VERONICA
I guess I picked the wrong time to
be a human being.
MOM is embarassed for getting so involved. She meekly
gestures to a tray of pate with a compassionate smile.
MOM
You'll live. Want some pate?
HEATHER DUKE suddenly breezes in the room.
HEATHER DUKE
Hi everyone, door was open. Veronica,
you missed it! Pauline and Whitney
James were up there doing there
suicide rap when the cops come in
and announce that Martha Dumptruck
tried to buy the farm. She gave
the ticket girl at the Colfax
theatre a suicide note then
bellyflopped in front of a car.
VERONICA
(repulsed)
Is she dead?
HEATHER DUKE
That's the punchline. She's still
alive, in stable condition. Another
case of a geek trying to imitate the
popular people of the school and
failing miserably. Is that pate?
VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE in the face.
INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
HEATHER DUKE paces the room holding an icepack to her jaw.
VERONICA is on the ground wiping off her bloodied feet.
VERONICA
I said I was sorry.
HEATHER DUKE
You are out of control. Heather and
Kurt were a shock, but Martha
Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed
suicide hotlines in her diapers.
VERONICA
You're not funny. Ouch!
VERONICA rubs her feet. HEATHER DUKS shakes her head.
HEATHER DUKE
(Heather Chandleresque)
What. A. Martyr. Understand; Martha
couldn't take the heat so she got
out of the kitchen. Just think
what a better place the world would
be if every nimrod followed her cue.
VERONICA
Just shut up and turn on the radio.
Hot Probs is on.
HEATHER DUKE
Oh shit, yeah.
HEATHER DUKE hastens to the radio and flicks it on. Ripping
open a bag of corn nuts, she sets herself down next to
VERONICA as a TROUBLED MALE VOICE cuts the air.
TROUBLED MALE VOICE (Radio)
I know it's supposed to be funny
that they never get off the island,
but still, sometimes I feel like I'm
on that island and Gilligan can be just
so stupid sometimes.
HEATHER DUKE
This sounds like a good one.
INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH
A slob D.J. cackles into a W.E.T.C. conference call-type box.
D.J.
Dude, you've got to remember if it
wasn't for the courage of the fearless
crew, the Minnow would be lost. The
Minnow would be lost! Next call!
TROUBLED MALE VOICE
But Skipper hates me....
The D.J. rudely clicks off the TROUBLED MALE VOICE.
D.J.
Whoa, they're coming out early tonight.
What ever happened to teen pregnancy
and acne? You've got the Dogcatcher on
W etcetera and you're listening to Hot
Probs. Who am I talking to?
INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
HEATHER MCNAMARA is sitting clandestinely on her bedroom
floor talking on the phone and through her radio. A dim
Minnie Mouse lamp provides the room's only light.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
My name is Heather, I mean, not Heather.
HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up at a Madonna poster on the wall.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
It's Madonna. Geez, no, not that.
HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up to her Minnie Mouse lamp.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA and HEATHER DUKE simultaneously move into stunned
kneeling positions, half-realizing who the caller is...
D.J. (radio)
Hey babe, I need a name?
RADIO STATION BOOTH
The D.J. looks to the conference call box with exasperation.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (box)
My name is Minnie.
D.J.
Ah, Minnie. Don't tell me, Mickey
just confessed he got A.I.D.S. from
Goofy at a New Year's Eve Party.
HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM
A broken-down HEATHER MCNAMARA sobs.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God has cursed me, I think. The
last time I had sex, the guy killed
himself the next day. I'm failing Math.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
HEATHER DUKE excitedlly jumps up as HEATHER MCNAMARA drones on.
HEATHER DUKE HEATHER MCNAMARA (radio)
Holy shit, that's My whole life is a mess.
Heather! We'll I was supposed to be
crucify her! captain of the cheerleading
team, but I probably won't
VERONICA because I miss practice when
Oh man, she knows we my Dad visits. My parents
listen to this show! are divorced and stuff and....
INT. CLASSROOM--DAY
A blackboard reads POOR LITTLE HEATHER.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told everyone about Heather.
HEATHER MCNAMARA is revealed in the front row wearing her
cheerleader uniform. To the left, HEATHER DUKE dishes with
some dreamy GUYS. At the back of the classroom, VERONICA,
monocle in eye, writes in her diary.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Yes, Dear Diary, I've cut off Heather
Chandler's head and Heather Duke's head
has sprouted in its place like some
mythological thing my eighth grade
boyfriend would know about. Heather's
even doing the old note trick.
A HOMELY GIRL is seen reading a note, glancing to a TYPICAL JOCK.
VERONICA takes in the wicked panorama of the classroom.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I did it J.D.'s way. I did it
Pauline's way. Nothing's changed.
I guess that's Heather's way. And
jesus, what about J.D.? I can't get
him out of my head. Are we going
to the Prom? Or to Hell? And
where's Heather going?
HEATHER MCNAMARA suddenly rises and walks out of the classroom,
passing a GRUFF TEACHER in a trenchcoat, carrying a briefcase.
GRUFF TEACHER
Where's Heather going?
HEATHER DUKE
She's going to cry-y-y.
INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY
HEATHER MCNAMARA struggles to open a bottle of sleeping pills.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Fucking child protector caps.
THE GRUFF TEACHER'S CLASSROOM
GRUFF TEACHER writes a math problem on the board. A flustered
VERONICA squirms in her seat then leaps up and runs to the door.
GRUFF TEACHER
Now where's she going? Is somebody getting
raped today on All My Children or what?
GIRLS BATHROOM
The bottle is smashed open. A palmful of pills is poured out.
HALLWAY
VERONICA races down the hall.
GIRLS BATHROOM
HEATHER MCNAMARA is a chipmunk with a mouthful of pills.
She pulls a glass from her purse and turns on a faucet, but
no water comes out. She manages to mumble.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Give me a break.
HEATHER MCNAMARA gets running water from another sink as
VERONICA rushes in. VERONICA punches HEATHER MCNAMARA's
face causing the pills to explode out of her mouth.
HEATHER MCNAMARA slumps against a stall, onto the floor.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
What are you trying to do? Kill me?
VERONICA jumps up and down on the pills on the floor.
VERONICA
What were you trying to do? Sleep?
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Suicide is a private thing.
VERONICA lunges forward to strike her. HEATHER MCNAMARA
recoils with a wail. Half-regaining her composure,
VERONICA slides down next to HEATHER MCNAMARA.
VERONICA
You're giving your life away to
become a goddamn statistic in U.S.
Fucking A Today. That's got to be
the least private thing I can think of.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt?
VERONICA
If everyone jumped off a bridge,
young lady, would you?
HEATHER MCNAMARA wipes tears from her eyes and smiles weakly.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Probably....
VERONICA
Hey now, if you were happy every day
of your life, you wouldn't be a human
being, you'd be a game show host.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Let's knock off early. Go to the mall.
Something lame like that.
VERONICA
Sure.
INT. THE EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY
Comfortably slouched at a desk, J.D. laconically rumbles.
J.D.
So it's come to this.
(turning to the viewer)
Heather Chandler did polls. I want
you to do a Petition, as a favor, as
the favor. Do you know the group Big Fun?
HEATHER DUKE sits at the desk opposite him torching the
manilla envelopes (photographs) with a butane lighter.
HEATHER DUKE
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
J.D.
(post-chortle)
Some teenybopper rag says Big Fun wants
to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's
if we can get everyone's John Hancock.
J.D. flips across a stack of blank, connected computer printout
sheets. At the top is a small paragraph and the word PETITION.
HEATHER DUKE blows ashes off her desk and grabs it, giggling.
HEATHER DUKE
I'll get right on it coach. And hey,
a little gift. I won't be needing it.
HEATHER DUKE twirls her copy of Catcher in the Rye to a pleased J.D.
INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY
HEATHER DUKE gothically ascends a staircase, holding the
petition. She stops, arms raised high, to bathe in the
sunlight blasting through the staircase window.
INT. CAFETERIA--DAY
HEATHER DUKE, petition in hand, sashays toward the
Country Club Kids table.
COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.
COURTNEY'S FRIEND
Shit.
INT. SCHOOL BUS--DAY
HEATHER DUKE chirps to a schoolbusful of various STUDENTS.
EXT. BLEACHERS--DAY
The provocatively dressed Petitioner charms a bleacher of Jocks.
STAIRCASE WINDOW
HEATHER DUKE continues to bizarrely bathe in the sunlight of
the staircase window.
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT--NIGHT
Now in Heavy Metal gear, HEATHER DUKE slams down the petition
atop a booth of Metalheads.
INT. THE SMOKE-FILLED HALLWAY--DAY 139
Decked out in denim, HEATHER DUKE vanishes into the Stoner
Hallway smoke, with the petition.
THE STAIRCASE WINDOW
HEATHER DUKE further writhes in the sunlight until
VERONICA's perplexed voice cuts into her bliss.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather?
HEATHER DUKE brings down her arms and the petition and turns
to VERONICA, revealed to be descending down the steps.
HEATHER DUKE
Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've
gotten everyone to sign this petition
even the one who think BigFun are
tuneless Eurofags. People love me!
(giggling)
My God, you haven't signed!
VERONICA
People love you but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me the petition
she signed was to put a jacuzzi in
the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton...
HEATHER DUKE
(verbally winking)
So some people need different kinds
of "convincing" than others....
(happiness evaporating)
Hey, just sign the petition!
VERONICA
Don't talk to me like that.
HEATHER DUKE
It was J.D.'s idea! He made
out the signature sheet and
everything. Now will you sign it?
VERONICA
(queasy)
No.
HEATHER DUKE
Jealous much?
VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE with all her might.
VERONICA
Heather, why can't you just be a
friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch?
HEATHER DUKE
Because I can be! The same fucking cheek,
goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think, do you really think, if
Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her
Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with
her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh!
HEATHER DUKE stumbles down the stairs. J.D.'s voice cuts
into VERONICA's concentration.
J.D. (O.S.)
Wanna go out tonight?
VERONICA grimly turns to see a smirking, descending J.D.
J.D.
Catch a movie? Miniature Golf?
VERONICA
(jokingly but caustically)
I was thinking more along the lines
of slitting Heather Duke's wrists
open and making it look like a suicide.
J.D.
I could be up for that. I've already
started underlining meaningful passages
in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye,
if you know what I mean. So are we on?
VERONICA somberly steps forward to J.D., grabs his elbows, then
pulls him gently, seemingly for a kiss. She spits in his face
and bolts down the stairs, calling up to him.
VERONICA
It's over, J.D. Over!
J.D.
I don't get it! You were wrong! I was
right! Strength, damnit! Come back!
INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM--DUSK
Intensely clutching her schoolbooks, VERONICA walks through the
front door into the living room where MOM and DAD sit with
aggressively compassionate faces. VERONICA is a bit confused.
VERONICA
Yes?
MOM and DAD glance at each other before MOM speaks.
MOM
Your friend Jason Dean just stopped
by. He seemed very concerned about
you. He said he thinks you might
try to kill yourself.
DAD
You have been depressed lately. Oh,
he said this is for you.
DAD holds out an envelope. VERONICA nabs it and rips it open.
The note reads, in feminine manuscript: RECOGNIZE THE HANDWRITING?
VERONICA
Oh my God....
VERONICA runs off, her mother's voice trailing behind her.
MOM (O.S.)
He says we should keep you away from
sharp objects, closed garages, toxic...
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA vaults through her bedroom door. A Barbie doll wearing
a BigFun T-shirt hangs from a noose. With a whimper, she
swerves away from it and dives onto her bed.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOUSE--NIGHT
J.D. laconically leans against his motorcycle with his legs
suavely crossed. He looks up to Veronica's bedroom window and
hears another whimper emerge. He puts a cigarette in his mouth
and lights it with a smile.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA curls into a fetal position on her bed and closes her
eyes.....tighter and tighter as J.D.'s voice.
J.D. (O.S.)
"You can't ever find a place nice
and peaceful because there isn't any."
VERONICA flops around to see J.D. kneeling over her on her bed
reading Heather Duke's copy of The Catcher in the Rye.
J.D.
Nice. It's got that Catcher-in-the-Ryey-
I-hate-the-world-and-the-world-hates-me-
so-let's-commit-suicide ambience. Give
it a try, underline something.
J.D. giddily underlines words then slides into a prone
position, tossing the book to an enraged VERONICA.
VERONICA
Get off my bed, you sick psycho!
You think you're a rebel! You're
not a rebel! You're a sick psycho!
Do you think you're a rebel? Do you
think you're a rebel? I wanna know!
J.D.
"You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Let's
call the whole thing off...Hold it!
VERONICA freezes and J.D. reaches up to her hand where she
holds the Catcher in the Rye. Her index finger is curled into
the book. Sitting up, J.D. carefully opens the book at that
place and peers in.
J.D.
Look at that. Eskimo. One word. I
love it. I usually go for whole
sentences myself, but hey this is
perfecto. Eskimo. So mysterious...
VERONICA
Wait a....You're not listening! I'm
not on your side....
J.D. obliviously underlines the word then pulls the flailing
VERONICA up like an enthusiastic camp counselor.
INT. THE DUKE KITCHEN--NIGHT
The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door. J.D. moves to the
dishwasher and opens it like a burglar opening a safe.
VERONICA
You're still not listening! I'm not..
J.D.
(pulling out the knife)
Nag, nag, nag, nag. nag.
VERONICA
(taking the knife from him)
This knife is filthy.
J.D.
What in the hell do you think I'm
doing? Taking out her tonsils?
VERONICA
I think I know Heather a bit better
than you, okay? If she was going to
slash her wrists, the knife would
be absolutely spotless.
J.D. grabs a dishtowel and vigorously wipes off the knife.
J.D.
How's this? Can you see your
fucking reflection?
She can and so can the viewer. Tears well in VERONICA's eyes.
She begins to shudder, a shattered smile quaking on her face.
VERONICA
Tomorrow someone else will move
into her place. That person
could be me.
(suddenly deliriously defiant)
Ha, there's only one of us who knows
Heather's handwriting and if you think
I'm doing another suicide note.
J.D.
(laughing)
You don't get it, do you? Society
nods its head at any horror the
American teenager can think to
bring upon itself. We don't need
gloves and does anyone really
care about exact handwriting?
J.D. tears his gloves off with a giggle. He takes a pen from
the kitchen counter and paper from a cutesy memo pad. He
shoves the pen in VERONICA's hand and grabbing her hand,
forces her to scribble LIFE SUCKS on the paper.
J.D.
Perfecto. Man, I've even got a
marked-up Catcher in the Rye.
What else does a suicide need?
J.D. pulls out the copy of the Catcher in the Rye and opens a
door revealing HEATHER DUKE, asleep in an artful pose on a
couch, MTV images from the T.V. flashing against her.
J.D.
(raising the knife)
If you'll excuse me......
VERONICA
No-o!
J.D. hops in the adjoinging room and slams the door. VERONICA
races to the door wailing. She maniacally rattles the doorknob
trying to open the locked door.
INT. AN ANOYNYMOUS T.V.
The sound of the rattling doorknob subtly turns into wild
African music thundering on the soundtrack as WHITNEY JAMES,
in a T.V. screen, maniacally addresses the viewer. A shiny
number 4 flashes on and off in the corner.
INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY
In speeded-up imagery, DENNIS, PETER, and the YEARBOOK GIRL
manuever pictures of HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, and HEATHER
DUKE in mind-bogglingly countless ways in order to accomodate
them all on the same two page layout.
INT. FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA--DAY
With even more speeded-up imagery, four STUDENTS wearing "What
a Waste, Oh the Humanity" T-shirts toss out tons of black
armbands into a hungry crowd.
INT. FUNERAL HOME--DAY
The wild African music and the speeded up imagery slams to a
halt at the sigh of HEATHER DUKE lying serenely in a coffin.
FATHER FAUST wearing dark sunglasses and a terrifying toupee,
walks in front of her to address a sizable group of ADULTS and
STUDENTS sitting in foldout chairs before him. FATHER FAUST
dramatically looks over the crowd before finally speaking.
FATHER RIPPER
Eskimo.
FATHER RIPPER lets the word hang in the air, then holds up
the copy of The Catcher in the Rye.
FATHER RIPPER
Heather Duke underlined a lot of
things in this copy of The Catcher
in the Rye, but I believe the word
Eskimo, underlined all by itself is
the key to understanding Heather's pain.
VERONICA stands in a corner with an "Oh brother" look on her face.
FATHER RIPPER
On the surface, Heather Duke was the
vivacious young lady we all knew her
to be. But her soul was in Antartica,
freezing with the knowledge of the way
fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way
parents can be unresponsive, and as she
writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
the way life can suck. We'll all miss
Sherwood's little Eskimo. Let's hope
she's rubbing noses with Jesus.
HEATHER CHANDLER moves next to VERONICA holding a plate
of steaming spaghetti. She is wearing nerdy glasses and
something that looks like an intergalactic prison unifrom.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Is this turnout weak or what? I had
at least seventy more people at
my funeral.
VERONICA
Heather? Wha...
HEATHER CHANDLER
Oh God Veronica, my afterlife is
s-o-o boring. If I have to sing
"Kumbaya" one more time...
VERONICA
What are you doing here?!
HEATHER CHANDLER
I made your favorite. Spaghetti.
Lots of oregano.
With a squeal, HEATHER CHANDLER plunges VERONICA's face into
the plate of spaghetti.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Dinner!
INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
Uncurling from the fetal position that she had fallen asleep
in, VERONICA's tightly closed eyes snap open in a sweat as her
mother's voice continues to filter through the door. It's all
been a dream...........
MOM (O.S.)
Dinner! Veronica! Dinner!
VERONICA closes her eyes and holds her heart. She suddenly
launches to her desk, opens her diary, shoves on her
monocle, catches her breath, and begins writing.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Dear Diary, no one can stop J.D. Not
the F.B.I., the C.I.A., or the P.T.A.
That is to say, no one but me. I know
where J.D. is coming from and where
he is heading. He's wrong, but I'm going
to teach him what's right. I'm going
to stop J.D....If it's the last thing
I do.
VERONICA leans back in her chair, sweating. She reaches in the
pocket of a blazer draped over the back of the chair and pulls
out the cigarette J.D. had given her eariler in the film. She
puts it in her mouth unlit then takes it out and puts it back
in the blazer.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOME--NIGHT
J.D. remains laconically leaning against his motorcycle with
his legs suavely crossed as he was before Veronica began
dreaming. J.D. finishes his cigarette and pulls out a gun. He
checks the bullets, puts the gun back in his coat, and heads
toward the house.
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
VERONICA hugs J.F.K. the cat then rips down the hanging Barbie.
EXT. THE SAWYER FRONT YARD
J.D. leans a ladder against the Sawyer house.
INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE
MOM sets down three plates of spaghetti. DAD watches on.
MOM
Does she want a written invitation?
(yelling upward)
Veronica! Dinner!
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
J.D. crawls through VERONICA's window. Hanging from the
rafter, neck in a noose of bedshoots, is VERONICA.
INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE
MOM sets a glass of milk at VERONICA's place, distressed.
MOM
Honey?
VERONICA'S BEDROOM
J.D. paces the room, sweating and ranting, waving a gun in
one hand, the Barbie doll in the other.
J.D.
I can't believe you did it. I was
teasing. I loved you. Sure, I climbed
up here to kill you, but first I was
going to try and get you back. With
amazing petition.
J.D. throws the gun on the bed and pulls from his coat the
computer printout sheet petition, then savagely rolls it out
on the floor. It is filled with signatures of different
sizes, styles, and colors. J.F.K. blinks.
J.D.
It's a shame you can't see what our
fellow students really signed.
J.D. flicks open a switchblade. He runs the blade beneath
the typed paragraph at the top causing it to peel off,
reavealing another typed paragraph.
J.D.
Listen. "We students of Westerburg
High will die. Today. Our burning
bodies will be the ultimate protest
to a society that degrades is. Fuck
you all." Not that subtle but neither's
blowing up the school. Talk about your
suicide pacts. When our school explodes
tomorrow, it's going to be the kind of
thing that infects a generation. A
Woodstock for the 80's. Damn, we
coulda toasted marshmallows together.
MOM (O.S.)
Honey, are you all right in there?
J.D. swiftly picks up the petition and heads out the window.
MOM enters the room and, seeing her hanging daughter,
launches into frantic screams.
MOM
Oh God, I knew it! No, no! I want my
baby back! I should have let you keep
that job at the mall. I was just afraid
of you coming home alone at night!
VERONICA opens her eyes.
MOM
I made your favorite! Spaghetti!
Lots of oregano!
VERONICA undos the noose around her neck but still remains
hanging for the rope runs all the way down her back beneath
her blazer and is tied around her waist. She undos the waist-
knot and lands on her bed. She quickly puts a small pillow
over the left-behind gun, unnoticed by her dazed MOM.
VERONICA
Hey Mom, why so tense?
THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE
Montage music plays as VERONICA rears up from her dinner
plate to see her stonefaced PARENTS and her CAT staring at her.
INT. J.D.'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
J.D. tools with a bomb at his desk. A KNOCK on the door. J.D.
turns down his stereo (and the Montage music).
FRED DEAN (O.S.)
I need some help with my homework...
J.D.
Sorry tiger, I'm a little busy....
J.D. turns back up his stereo (and the Montage music).
EXT. FRONT OF WESTERBERG HIGH--MORNING
The Montage music continues as school buses arrive in front
of the school. STUDENTS pour out.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--MORNING
STUDENTS come out of their cars.
INT. HALLWAY--MORNING
Typically hectic start-of-another-day-opening-and-slamming-of-
locker-action. VERONICA darts through the thoroughfare to her locker.
A passing PAULINE FLEMING screeches to a halt, grabbing VERONICA
as she chokes on some styrofoam cup coffee.
PAULINE
Veronica! J.D. told me you
committed suicide last night!
VERONICA
Where is he? Where's J.D.?
PAULINE
We have to talk. Whether to kill
yourself is one of the most important
decisions a teenager has to make.
VERONICA
Get a job.
VERONICA storms away to her nearby locker. She swirls her locker
combination and opens it. She glances down the hall and freezes.
In the distance, J.D. moves mechanically down the hallway
carrying a large gym bag, wearing a Walkman.
VERONICA climbs into her locker. She closes it until it is
barely perceptibly ajar. J.D. strides past the locker and into
the Boys bathroom.
BOYS BATHROOM
J.D smoothly moves into a stall and closes the door. He
turns off his Walkman and ends the Montage music.
THE HALLWAY
The hallway slowly clears as STUDENTS go to class. The bell
rings. A LATE STUDENT races through the empty hallway.
VERONICA carefully hatches out of her locker. She treads down
the hallway as if something were about to jump out at her.
THE GYM
A group of cheerleaders including HEATHER MCNAMARA are lazily
doing cartwheels on the gym floor. On a small stage set up
beside them, other STUDENTS are putting up folding chairs.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN says "Testing" into a microphone.
J.D., toting the gym bag, quietly opens the gym door and slips
inside. He swiftly moves unnoticed to a position underneath
the bleachers.
THE HALLWAY
VERONICA peers around a corner to see an empty hallway.
UNDER THE BLEACHERS
Using heavy black masking tape, J.D. tapes a thermal bomb to a
steel support beneath the bleachers. Other thermal bombs can
be discerned taped to other supports.
THE EMPTY HALLWAY
VERONICA cautiously treads down the empty hallway, trying to
keep in control. Suddenly, packs of STUDENTS burst from
classroom doors behind VERONICA. The excited swarms of
STUDENTS move toward and past VERONICA, who has braked her
troubled treading to stiffly contemplate her passing peers.
She latches onto Geek RODNEY in a panic. RODNEY looks down at
his clutched arm with a nervous smile.
VERONICA
Rodney, where's everybody going?
RODNEY
It's Friday.....
VERONICA
Oh my God, the damn pep assembly....
RODNEY
Yeah, these things are pretty artificial,
but at least we all get out of class...
VERONICA ignores RODNEY's amiable attemots at conversation to
inquisitively move forward through the crowd.
THE GYM
J.D. darts from out underneath the bleachers to the gym doors.
He pops the doors open and sees the crowd of STUDENTS move
toward the gym. He suavely pauses then dashes down a nearby
set of stairs.
THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE GYM
VERONICA continues to tensely surf the tidal wave of STUDENTS
heading for the gymnasium. She stops to watch her classmates
file into the gym like lemmings with increasing sense of
dread. She again latches onto a passing RODNEY.
VERONICA
Rodney, what's underneath the gym?
RODNEY (unconsciously) dramatically stops, turns to VERONICA.
and says........
RODNEY
The boiler room.
VERONICA blanches then lunges through the crowd. She topples a
couple disgruntled STUDENTS before careening down the
staircase beside the gym.
HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BOILER ROOM
J.D. walks by the firm glass windows of the boiler room,
eyeing the pounding generators inside. He stops at a heavy
steel door. Placing down his gym bag, J.D. proceeds to swiftly
pick the lock. He swings open the steel door.
VERONICA (O.S.)
May I see your hall pass?
J.D. weilds around. A sweating VERONICA moves toward him,
pointing the bedroom gun at him.
J.D.
I knew that loose was too noose! I
mean, noose too loose! Goddamn you!
VERONICA
Like father, like son. A serious-as-
fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll
set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
Okay, so let's start by slowly putting
the bomb down on the ground.
J.D. looks down at the gym bag already on the ground. He
folds his arms and smiles. VERONICA forcefully moves closer.
VERONICA
Okay, okay. I knew that. I knew that.
Put your hands on your head.
J.D.
You didn't say Simon Says.
J.D. suddenly kicks out into VERONICA's stomach, doubling her
over and causing her to drop the gun. J.D. gracefully
retrieves it.
THE GYM
The pep assembly is in full swing with rowdy STUDENTS in the
bleachers earthily shouting, giggling cheerleaders making
swaying pyramids, valiant band members struggling to be heard.
Various Jocks, including EARL, stand on the stage with
PRINCIPAL GOWAN as a YEARBOOK PHOTOGRAPHER flashes away.
THE HALLWAY BEFORE THE BOILER ROOM
VERONICA bends over quivering and clutching her bruised ribs.
J.D. raises the gun to her head.
J.D.
Live by the sword...
VERONICA swings her left arm up knocking J.D.'s gun hand
upward. She then sails her right fist into his face. The blow
annoys him more than it hurts him but J.D.'s momentary loss of
composure allows VERONICA to come in with another much harder
right hook. The blow sends J.D. stumbling back against the
boiler room, jarring the gun loose.
They simultaneously lunge for the gun. VERONICA, having the
better grip, pulls so forecfully that after wrenching the gun
from J.D., she loses control of it, flinging it down the hall.
VERONICA pops up to retrieve it but J.D. moves his legs
scissors-style around her and trips her.
THE PREP ASSEMBLY
The assembly mindlessly blares on. Cheerleader HEATHER
MCNAMARA rah-rah-rahs. RODNEY and the other Geeks pass around
a pair of opera glasses, all intensely scoping out the
cheerleaders. A group of STONERS toke away beneath the
bleachers, one of them lackadaisically leaning against a
thermal bomb.
THE BOILER ROOM HALLWAY
A snarling J.D. stands up, pulling VERONICA with him.
J.D.
You think just because you started
this thing, you can end it?
J.D. violently kisses/bites VERONICA. While kissing, VERONICA
sees a fire alarm on a nearby wall. She closes her eyes then
savagely knees J.D. in the groin. VERONICA bolts to the alarm
and pulls it down. Nothing happens. J.D. gasps.
J.D.
You, really didn't think I'd, forget,
forget, to disconnect the....
VERONICA rockets her body down and picks up the gun. J.D.
grabs her and throws her against the steel boiler room door.
A jostled VERONICA raises the gun. J.D. howls then bounds
toward VERONICA, causing them both to careen down the steel
steps of the boiler room. At the same time, he inadvertently
kicks the gym bag/bomb down along with them. The gun spins
from VERONICA's hand and slides away. The bomb flies out of
the bag onto the boiler room floor. A digital clock on
the bomb clicks on at 5:00....4:59....4:58...
THE PEP ASSEMBLY
The frenzied pep assembly crowd is now doing "The Wave". BETTY
FINN and her similar co-horts deliriously get into the act,
all sit in a circle at the bottom rows of the bleachers,
pouting as STUDENTS bounce up and down around them. EARL and
the other Jocks stand on the stage grinning and preening
before the crowd.
THE BOILER ROOM
VERONICA and J.D. are in a heap at the bottom of the boiler
room steps. VERONICA faintly works into a semi-sitting
position and gives an astonished glance to the bomb, its
digital clock clicking to 3:00. VERONICA crawls to the gun and
levels it at a rousing-up J.D.
VERONICA
The bomb's gone on, J.D.! How do
you turn it off? Tell me!
Fully standing, J.D. flicks open his switchblade. He gives
VERONICA "the finger," screaming in exploded saliva...
J.D.
Fuck you!
Seething, VERONICA shoots up at J.D. blowing off "the finger."
Shrieking in pain, J.D. drops the knife to hold this sudden
geyser of blood. VERONICA achingly stands, pointing the gun.
The bomb clicks down to 2:25.
VERONICA
It's all over, J.D. Help me to stop it.
J.D.
You want to wipe the slate clean as
much as I do. Okay, so maybe I am
killing everyone in the school
because nobody loves me. You have a
purpose though! Remember? Let's face
it, the only place different social
types can genuinely get along with
each other is in heaven.
VERONICA fires the gun at J.D.'s feet. The bomb clicks to 1:49.
VERONICA
How do you turn the fucker off?
J.D.
You're not listening. People are
going to look at the ashes of
Westerburg and say there's a school
that self-destructed not because
society didn't care, but because
that school was society. Is that
deep or what? I'll let you put it in
your diary, babe. Free of charge.
VERONICA
The bomb, asshole!
J.D.
Just push the red button twice.
That's what stops it. If that's
what you want, babe?
VERONICA
You know what I want, babe?
J.D.
What?
VERONICA fires the gun twice into J.D.'s throat. Coughing and
moaning, he splatters against a generator.
VERONICA
Cool guys like you out of my life.
VERONICA saunters to J.D.'s writhing body.
VERONICA
But babe, don't worry, these here
were Ich Luge bullets.
J.D. closes his eyes and slumps to the ground. VERONICA turns
to the bomb and crouches over it. A lit green light is next to
a green button. Above it, an unlit red light is next to a red
button. The bomb's digital clock clicks to 00:17. VERONICA
presses the red button twice, turning on the red light and
stopping the clock. VERONICA falls back into a sitting
position and sorely exhales, tears streaming down her face.
THE PEP ASSEMBLY
A cheerleader does a cartwheel in slow motion as eerie music
plays. The manic crowd in the bleachers vibrates in slow
motion as well.
At normal speed, VERONICA walks to the doors of the Gym and
peers in. The panorama of roaring students, posing jocks, and
prancing cheerleaders continues to unfold in slow motion.
VERONICA walks away from the gym.
EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL DAY
VERONICA wearily pushes open the front door and emerges
outside of the school. She closes her eyes to therapeutically
bask in the sun's rays. A slight smile trembles onto her face.
A strange voice kills it.
J.D. (O.S.)
Color me impressed.
J.D. stands starkly in the distance before her, blood spurting
from his throat onto his gunslinger coat. He painfully speaks
through his assasinated vocal cords.
J.D.
You really fucked me up, Veronica.
VERONICA
(vertigo city)
I thought I...you..
J.D.
You've got power, Veronica. Power I
didn't think you had. The slate is
clean.
J.D. pulls open his coat revealing that the bomb is attached to
his torso. The green light is on and the clock says 00:10..00:09.
J.D.
Pretend I did blow up the school. All
the schools. Now that you're dead,
what are you gonna do with your life?
VERONICA takes the unlit cigrette from her blazer pocket and
puts it in her mouth. She then folsd her arms.
VERONICA
Perfecto.
J.D. raises his arms in a crucifixion pose as the bomb clicks
to 0:00. Nothing happens. An annoyed J.D. breaks out of his
crucifixion stance and raps the bomb with his palm.
THE PEP ASSEMBLY
The sound of the bomb explosion plunges the cheering up-and-
down pep assembly into chaos. Wailing students pour out of the
bleachers screaming less out of fear than a "Whoa Dude" sense
of excitement.
THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL
VERONICA stands in the same position in front of the school
with her arms still folded. Only now her cigarette is lit and
her face and clothes are blackened in ash. Flames flicker in
bushes behind her. VERONICA drags on the cigarette and turns
to go inside.
INT. THE FRONT HALLWAY
VERONICA strolls into the school and into a hallway of howling
students, some of whom are tearing down Prom banners for the
thrill of it. HEATHER DUKE rushes up to VERONICA and grimaces.
HEATHER DUKE
Veronica, you look like hell.
VERONICA
Yeah, I just got back.
VERONICA tosses away the cigarette. She then grabs HEATHER
DUKE by the shoulders and forcibly turns her around.
HEATHER DUKE
What are you doing?
VERONICA
Heather, my love, there's a
new sheriff in town.
VERONICA takes off HEATHER DUKE's red ribbon and ties it
around the hair of her own head. She kisses HEATHER DUKE on
the cheek, leaving a black stain. VERONICA calls off.
VERONICA
Hey, Martha, wait up.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK revealed to be in an electric
wheelchair, brakes to a stop and looks to Veronica, confused.
VERONICA walks up beside her. MARTHA starts up her wheelchair
and accompanies VERONICA away into a deserted hallway.
VERONICA
My date for the prom kind of flaked
out on me, so I thought if you
weren't doing anything that night
we could go to the video store and
rent some new releases or something.
Maybe pop some popcorn.
MARTHA
I'd like that.
VERONICA
So would I.
VERONICA and MARTHA continue gliding down the hall
Bogart/Rains style.