NEVER BEEN KISSED
Revised draft by Jenny Bicks
Based on the Original Screenplay by
Abby Kohn & Marc Siliverstein
Shooting Script
Revision Draft
6/26/98
FADE IN:
CLOSE UP ON A GIRL'S FACE
It's Josie Geller, 25, cute, blonde and scared out of her
wits. We hear the chanting of a crowd.
CROWD
Josie! Josie! Josie!
JOSIE (V.O.)
You know in some movies how they
have a dream sequence only they
don't tell you it's a dream?
PULL OUT to reveal Josie on pitcher's mound of a--
EXT. A BASEBALL STADIUM -- NIGHT
It's packed. Reporters line the field. All eyes are on
Josie.
JOSIE (V.O.)
This is so not a dream.
The stadium clock sets at 5:00. The crowd goes crazy. Josie
takes a deep, nervous breath and smiles, "Oh God."
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE -- CONTINUOUS
Multiple images of Josie play across rows of TV sets. A
crowd has gathered.
JOSIE (V.O.)
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I was just trying to do my job.
And then things happened. Well,
life happened. And now I'm here.
EXT. BASEBALL STADIUM -- CONTINUOUS
The clock starts to tick down. The crowd yells again.
JOSIE (V.O.)
Trust me. I am not the kind of
girl who does things like this. I
mean, two months ago you couldn't
have picked me out of a crowd...
INT. CHICAGO SUN TIMES BULLPEN -- DAY
Packed with office workers. Bustling with activity. The
CAMERA searches the CROWD.
JOSIE (V.O.)
Told you. I'm over there.
The CAMERA SWINGS to Josie entering. Rhoda, a young copy
assistant, tails her, pen and paper in hand.
RHODA
Theater--
JOSIE
Standard American calls for "er".
Standard British is "re". So go
for "er", unless you're a pompous
American, then go for British.
Josie keeps negotiating the maze, leaving Rhoda in her
wake.
RHODA
No. Theater. Last night. We were
supposed to go, remember?
Josie stops at a desk where Merkin Burns, officious office
assistant, is talking on the phone. He picks his nose with
abandon as he talks, ignoring Josie.
MERKIN
(into phone)
No way. No way. No way. Ech, hold
on.
(to Josie)
What.
JOSIE
Messages?
Merkin removes his finger from his nose and uses it to
pick up a pink message. He holds it out to Josie. Disgusted,
she takes it by one corner.
MERKIN
(into phone)
Seriously? No way. No way--
Josie's still standing there.
MERKIN
What?
JOSIE
Merkin, do you think we could get
some more yellow highlighters? I
checked the box and we're--
Merkin swivels his chair 180 degrees so his back is to
Josie and continues with his phone call.
MERKIN
(back into phone)
Okay, I'm back, so--
Josie sighs, walks to her door. It's marked with a lopsided
nameplate: Josie Geller, Copy Editor. She adjusts the plate
so it's perfectly straight.
INT. JOSIE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Josie enters, reads the messsage still gingerly held in
two fingers, and drops it into the trash can. She hangs
her coat squarely on the back of her door, takes five
pencils from her pencil pot, one by one sharpens them in
her pencil sharpener, and then lays them out neatly in a
row. She smiles, satisfied, ready for another day.
Anita Brandt, late 20's, pretty in a semi-unprofessional
way, bursts in, smiling.
ANITA
Guess who I did it with last
night...
JOSIE
(duh)
Roger in Op/Ed.
ANITA
Who told!
JOSIE
You did. Yesterday you said, and I
quote, "I have a date with Roger
from Op/Ed tonight and I'm going
to do it with him."
ANITA
Well, that doesn't mean it was
going to happen for sure.
Josie just stares at her.
ANITA
Once it didn't happen for sure.
Gus Strauss, late 30's, would probably clean up well,
enters. He tosses some copy onto Josie's desk.
GUS
Computer's down. Septuplets story.
I need it back by five. Hopefully
the copy's not a mess.
JOSIE
(emphasizing)
It is hoped that it's not a mess.
"Hopefully" is an adverb. It means
"with hope". You have it defining
the copy, and I'm pretty sure the
copy doesn't have feelings.
Gus and Anita just stare at Josie.
JOSIE
Well, excuse me for caring about
words.
GUS
(to Anita)
So. You and Roger in Op/Ed.
ANITA
Oh, man! Who told?
GUS
Roger in Op/Ed. Don't make me send
you another memo about my policy
on inter-office dating.
JOSIE
Intra office. And they're not
dating. They're having sex.
ANITA
And what is your policy? That if
you're not getting any, no one
can?
Anita flounces off.
GUS
How many times have I fired her?
JOSIE
Five-- Six--
GUS
(shrugging, giving
up)
Eh.
Gus turns to exit.
JOSIE
Hey Gus--did you see the story
idea I left on your desk?
GUS
Yeah--the blind foster home mother.
It was good. I got Cahoon on it.
JOSIE
(disappointed)
Oh. Cahoon. Yeah, he's--good.
GUS
Geller, we've been over this. You're
a great copy editor. Maybe my best
copy editor. You're not a reporter.
JOSIE
You've done five of my ideas.
GUS
You know what separates us office
flunkies from the reporters?
JOSIE
They don't have to be in the office
Christmas show?
GUS
A flack jacket.
JOSIE
(not getting it)
A--flack jacket.
GUS
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks
he can write. But a journalist
gets in there, right where the
bombs are. He's aggressive. Grabs
the bull by the balls.
JOSIE
You don't think I can grab bulls'
balls?
GUS
Geller, you don't want a reporter's
life. They're very--messy. You're
all about order. Control. And
getting me my copy by five.
JOSIE
Hey--I can be out of control.
Gus smiles. On his way out he re-adjusts Josie's nameplate
so it hangs at an angle. Tormented, Josie waits a beat.
She can't take it, and runs to the door and straightens
it.
GUS
(over his shoulder)
Copy by five.
INT. SUN TIMES LUNCHROOM -- DAY
Actually, a pretty depressing kitchenette area. Anita and
Josie eat lunch--Anita eats Chinese out of a container,
Josie has three baggies of perfectly cut food in front of
her.
JOSIE
Be honest. Do you think I'm
aggressive?
Anita ponders a moment.
ANITA
Okay. Remember when they took your
office chair in for repairs and
forgot to return it?
JOSIE
Yeah.
ANITA
You stood for like a month.
Cynthia, an affable African-American woman in her 40's,
enters and puts three microwave meals in the microwave.
JOSIE
Just because I'm not out of control
doesn't mean I can't write.
CYNTHIA
Josie, you listen to me. If you
feel you're a writer--
(touching her chest)
Here, deep inside, don't let anyone
tell you you're not. Look at me.
Every day I come to this paper and
I pour my heart and soul into what
I do. I feel it, passionately, to
the core of my being.
JOSIE
You write obituaries.
CYNTHIA
Hey, if you can make a busted aorta
sound good--honey, that's art.
The microwave dings off. Cynthia fishes the three Lean
Cuisines out. Anita and Josie share a look.
ANITA
Cynthia, aren't they only diatetic
if you eat them one at a time?
CYNTHIA
I eat 'em one at a time.
ANITA
(to Josie)
Y'know, maybe Gus has a point. It
wouldn't kill you to relax and
have some fun. Roger's got a friend,
Marshall in editing? The one with
the lazy eye? Maybe we could double
date.
JOSIE
Forget it.
ANITA
I swear to God, Jos. When is the
last time you went on a real live
date?
JOSIE
I'm concentrating on my career
right now.
ANITA
Do you own any colored underwear?
Stripes? Anything?!
JOSIE
(embarrassed)
Anita!
ANITA
Look. You're way under 30, you're
cute, some guys find white Carter's
underwear sexy—
(beat)
If you talk to his nose, you don't
even notice the eye.
Josie laughs in spite of herself.
JOSIE
The right guy is out there. I'm
just not going to kiss a whole
bunch of losers to get to him.
ANITA
Yeah, but sometimes kissing the
losers can be a fun diversion.
JOSIE
When I finally get kissed, I'll
know.
Anita and Cynthia trade looks.
ANITA
Okay. If you've never kissed a
guy, we got bigger problems than
the underwear.
JOSIE
I've kissed guys. I've just never
kissed a guy. Felt that thing--
CYNTHIA
"That thing"? Is that what you
kids are calling it these days?
JOSIE
That thing. That moment. You kiss
someone and it's like the world
around you gets all hazy and the
only thing in focus is you and
this other person and you know
that one person is the person you're
meant to be kissing for the rest
of your life. And for that one
moment you've been given this
amazing gift and you want to laugh
and cry at the same time because
you're so lucky you found it, and
so scared that it will all go away.
Anita and Cynthia take this in.
CYNTHIA
Damn, girl. You are a writer.
INT. TIKI POST -- DAY
Basically a Mailbox Etc. store, but dressed in a Tahitian
theme. Cardboard hula dancers hold Fedex envelopes.
ROB GELLER, 23, good-looking, wears a smock with "Tiki
Post" emblazoned across it over a Hawaiian shirt. He stands
watch at the cash register.
MONTY MAYLIK, 50, proud owner, rearranges a display. The
place is empty.
ROB
Hey Monty--you think we'll get any
business today?
MONTY
(of course)
I'm handing out a free lei to every
customer! What do you think?
ROB
I think maybe people are scared
off by the tiki torches.
MONTY
Change is scary. Robbie, let me
tell you a little something about
the mail business. I've been in it
over thirty years. And in those
thirty years, the only thing that's
changed is the Elvis stamp and
some gun laws. People are bored!
They wanna shake things up!
ROB
I thought people just wanted their
mail delivered on time.
Josie walks into the store, triggering Hawaiian music.
Monty puts a lei over her head.
MONTY
Aloha! Welcome!
ROB
Relax, Monty. It's just my sister.
Monty takes the lei off her neck. Josie hands Rob an
envelope. Rob rifles through the cash inside.
ROB
Thanks, Jos. I'll pay you back.
Bambi thanks you, too.
Rob indicates a beat-up wreck of a yellow car parked
outside.
JOSIE
That is so--weird that you name
your car.
ROB
No it's not. Guys name their
penises.
JOSIE
Okaaaay....
(then)
That car's going to bankrupt you.
ROB
She just needs a new windshield
wiper.
JOSIE
Because I bought the windshield
last week. I'm a hubcap away from
owning more of Bambi than you do.
Rob hands the money back.
ROB
Y'know what? Take it. I don't want
it.
Josie hands it back.
JOSIE
Rob, take the money, okay? It's no
big deal.
ROB
No, it is. It's just one more thing
to add to your "things that make
you a better person than me" list.
JOSIE
Better person than I.
ROB
See!
JOSIE
I know this woman. She works in
admissions at Lakeshore Community?
She might be able to get you in
for the Fall semester. Maybe she
could get you the baseball
scholarship, and I could help and--
ROB
I'm not going to college, Jos. And
I'm not playing anymore baseball.
This is my life.
JOSIE
(whispering)
This--this is a luau that sells
packing material!
ROB
Someday this luau is going to be
all mine!
JOSIE
How can you just give up like that?
You had a real shot at playing
college ball and you let one case
of mono stop everything. Don't you
want more? To move out of Mom and
Dad's? Pay your own bills?
ROB
Oh yay! And then I could be as
happy as you!
JOSIE
For your information, I am very
happy. Deliriously happy. I lead a
very happy life!
She exits. The music starts up again.
MONTY
Come again!
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
We PAN AROUND the neatest and quietest walk-up you've ever
seen. Lots of books on shelves.
We find Josie sitting at her small table putting the
finishing touches on a needlepoint pillow. She turns it
over and WE SEE it says: "LOVE". She holds up the final
product to a terrarium, lookup up at her two turtles.
JOSIE
There. What d'you think, guys?
Where should it go?
Josie looks around the living room.
JOSIE
Hmm.
(She pretends to
listen to the
turtles.)
What's that? Bedroom? Great idea!
She walks into the bedroom with the pillow.
INT. JOSIE'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
A perfectly arranged Laura Ashley bedroom. We PAN OVER TO
the bed. It is completely covered in needlepoint pillows.
Josie places the latest one on top of the others and smiles.
JOSIE
Perfect.
INT. A CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME
It's packed with the NEWSPAPER STAFF. HYRAM RIGFORT, 65,
white-haired, dignified owner of the paper presides. Anita
and Josie sit next to each other. Next to Anita sits Roger
from Op/Ed, a good-looking guy in his 30's.
RIGFORT
Let me start out by saying that I
was very impressed by the
investigative piece Dutton did on
pesticides in our supermarkets.
An older man, Dutton, smiles proudly.
RIGFORT
But since the Trib did a better
piece on the same subject, you're
fired.
Dutton's face falls. Everyone looks horrified.
RIGFORT
You heard me. Out. Out.
Dutton shuffles out. Josie takes a big bite of donut.
RIGFORT
So. Happy March everybody!
ALL
(by rote)
Happy March Mr. Rigfort.
RIGFORT
To celebrate, I've decided it's
time for another undercover feature!
Everyone looks underwhelmed.
RIGFORT
You all know that some of my best
inspiration comes from personal
experience. Who knew that my botched
foray into hair plugs would lead
to last month's award-winning expose --
"hair today, gone tomorrow"? Hat's
off to you, Bruns.
We PAN OVER to BRUNS, a reporter whose hair is missing in
odd-looking clumps. He nods sadly.
RIGFORT
Or should I say "hat's on"! And
what about when my wife had that
affair with Gil, her ski instructor
and Howard went undercover as an
expert slalom skier.
Howard smiled wanly. Both his arms are in casts. CAMERA
PANS the room as Rigfort continues, picking out different
reporters.
RIGFORT
So last night I'm sitting around
the dinner table with my family.
The wife, the two nannies, the
boys, and we're eating chicken
with this peanut sauce.
CAMERA STOPS at a Chef Boyardee look-alike.
GUS
Undercover chef. I like it.
RIGFORT
Hang on, Gus. So, we're eating
this peanut sauce and suddenly the
younger kid starts choking.
CAMERA STOPS at a Nurse Ratchet look-alike.
ANITA
(sotto to Josie)
I'm smelling undercover ER nurse.
RIGFORT
Turns out he's allergic to peanuts.
And I think -- holy shit. I don't
even know my own kids. I mean, who
knows if they're even mine? And it
got me thinking. How much do we
know about kids today? What are
they thinking? How many of them
are allergic to peanuts? Boom. It
hit me -- "My Semester In High
School."
CAMERA STOPS at a bald guy, the jerks over one seat to
Josie.
RIGFORT
(to Josie)
You. What's your name?
JOSIE
Josie. Josie Geller.
RIGFORT
You enroll on Friday.
General crowd hubub. Josie's in shock.
JOSIE
Oh. But--I'm not a reporter yet...
RIGFORT
And none of these geezers could
pass for a day under 40. Have fun.
And Rigfort exits.
INT. JOSIE'S OFFICE - MINUTES LATER
Josie is so excited she can hardly speak to Anita.
JOSIE
It's finally happening, Anita! I'm
going to write!
Anita looks concerned.
JOSIE
My own undercover feature - "Written
by Josie Geller".
ANITA
Jos - Maybe you should turn it
down.
A beat. Josie's face falls.
JOSIE
You don't think I can do it.
ANITA
No - It's just a lot of pressure
for your first piece, that's all.
I mean, it's not a half-page
article, it's a major undercover
piece, Jos. Look what Rigfort did
to Dutton - and that guy's his
cousin!
Gus enters.
GUS
Don't worry, I'll straighten all
this out.
JOSIE
But I don't want it straightened
out.
GUS
Geller, this is way out of your
league.
Josie takes in Anita and Gus.
JOSIE
Okay, just so I'm clear here --
neither of you think I can do this.
ANITA
Jos, that's not what we're --
JOSIE
Anita, when you wanted to seduce
the guy in the mailroom and you
didn't think you could learn Spanish
fast enough, who quizzed you on
your verbs?
Anita looks down, chastened.
ANITA
Senorita Josie.
JOSIE
And Gus - when you picked up
knitting, who showed you how to
hold the needles?
GUS
(sotto)
YOU DID.
ANITA
(to Gus)
YOU KNIT?
JOSIE
So, this is my chance.
A beat.
GUS
I'm not holding your job for you,
Geller.
Josie jumps up and down and hugs Gus, who is clearly
uncomfortable.
GUS
Don't make me send you the memo on
hugging in the workplace.
Josie smiles. Gus exits.
ANITA
I do believe in you, Jos. Anything
you need, I'll help you out.
Josie sits, motions to the brown paper bag.
JOSIE
You can start by handing me that
bag.
Anita does. Josie sticks it over her face, flips her head
between her knees and starts hyperventilating again.
CLOSE UP on Rob, wearing his Tiki Post outfit. He shakes
his head.
ROB
No. Uh, uh.
PULL OUT TO REVEAL HIM STANDING WITH JOSIE ON THE SIDEWALK
IN FRONT OF -
EXT. TIKI POST - DAY
Josie's shiny Buick is parked right behind Bambi at the
curb.
JOSIE
It's just for a couple of months.
ROB
You can't just "borrow" my car for
a couple of months! That's like
ten years in Bambi life!
JOSIE
I'll give you my Buick Le Sabre.
Rob rolls his eyes and enters the store.
JOSIE
You can name it whatever you want.
INT. TIKI POST - CONTINUOUS
Josie follows Rob into the store. He turns.
ROB
Wow. This must be big.
JOSIE
I got an assignment from the paper.
I'm going undercover. Back to high
school.
Rob starts laughing uncontrollably.
JOSIE
What!?
ROB
Do you remember high school?
JOSIE
It was a long time ago -
ROB
Don't you remember what they called
you?
Slowly Josie's face falls. She looks very far away.
ROB
Josie -
INT. A HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY (FLASHBACK)
It's packed with kids. Everyone stares off-screen at chants -
ALL
Josie Grossie. Josie Grossie. Josie
Grossie.
INT. TIKI POST - SAME
Josie looks stricken.
JOSIE
Josie Grossie.
ROB
I know. I came up with it.
(beat)
You look nauseous.
JOSIE
Nauseated. I look nauseated. Oh
God.
She puts her hand over her mouth, races for the bathroom.
INT. TIKI POST BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER
Josie has just gotten violently ill. She rises off her
knees, grabs some toilet paper to wipe her mouth. She looks
down at her feet.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY (FLASHBACK)
We CLOSE UP on brown leather oxfords and widen to reveal
teenage JOSIE
braces, heavy glasses, in all her nerdom, slowly walking
down the corridor with a huge backpack on her back.
A boy sneaks up behind her, holds open the top of her
backpack while another boy pours a half drunk Sprite into
her backback.
Kids smile and snicker as Josie continues down the hallway.
She spots, BILLY PRINCE, ultmate high school heartthrob,
and approaches him nervously.
JOSIE
Hey, Billy Prince, I noticed you
weren't in math today, and I have
the notes in case you want -
Midway through Josie's speech, WE HEAR the odd sound of
liquid hitting linoleum. Josie follow Billy's gaze down to
between her feet where a pool of Sprite has gathered. Billy
starts to laugh. Kids around him join in. As the laughter
echoes around her we
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
INT. TIKI POST BATHROOM - SAME (PRESENT DAY)
Josie stares into the mirror. Staring back is teenage Josie.
JOSIE
This is a very bad idea.
INT. THE MALL - TEEN CLOTHING STORE - DAY
Anita and Josie cruise through a teen clothing store,
carrying large bags from a stationery store. Josie picks
up a platform sneaker and just stares at it.
ANITA
So, you were a geek. Big deal.
JOSIE
Anita, remember espadrilles?
ANITA
Please. That doesn't make you a
nerd. Everyone wore those shoes.
JOSIE
The girls threw them at me in the
locker room.
ANITA
Okay. That's bad.
JOSIE
At the end of the yeat the person
who got the most direct his to my
head got to toss me into the pool.
ANITA
Mama mia.
(then)
Just because you were a nerd once
doesn't mean it's going to happen
again. That's why you have me for
fashion consultation.
Anita pulls a slip skirt off a rack and holds it up.
ANITA
Now this is cute.
JOSIE
That is lingerie.
ANITA
So I was thinking about what you
were saying - y'know, about really
being kissed? I think Roger could
be the one.
JOSIE
What'd you feel when you kissed
him?
ANITA
Bridgework?
JOSIE
Very romantic.
Josie pulls out a plain button-down cardigan.
JOSIE
How about this?
ANITA
I am not letting you out of the
house in that, young lady.
Anita grabs an awful white maribou jacket and matching
earrings and holds them up.
ANITA
Cuuuute!
JOSIE
'Nita, this is about reporting,
not accessorizing.
ANITA
And we're going to have to do
something about your hair.
JOSIE
Anita!
ANITA
Jos, please try and have some fun
here, okay? How many of us get to
go back to high school? You're
gonna have a blast!
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE UP - AN ALARM CLOCK
on a bedside table. Surrounded by make-up, boxes of hair
color, a stack of index cards, ripped magazine pages of
teen looks, issues of Teen Beat and YM. The clock slips to
7:00. NPR starts playing. A hand reaches over, hits the
radio off.
SOUND EFFECTS: A school bell. As the bell continues to
ring, we WIDEN TO:
INT. JOSIE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Josie sits up in bed, covers pulled up to her chin in
terror.
EXT. A CHICAGO STREET - MORNING
MUSIC UP: "Morning Train". Crowds of commuters stream down
the sidewalk and onto the stairs leading up to the El.
A big yellow car jerks into frame, backfires noisily. It's
Josie at the wheel of Bambi. She jerks out of frame.
EXT. SOUTH GLEN SOUTH HIGH SCHOOOL - MORNING
A suburban campus anchored by a main building. Cars pull
into the parking lot for the beginning of the day. Kids
greet each other, converge on the front doors of the school.
General mayhem.
Bambi pulls in. She jerks into a spot, backfiring once
more for effect. The entire scene stops. Kids freeze, look
at Josie. A beat, and they they continue on their way.
INT. BAMBI - CONTINUOUS
Josie takes a few deep breaths.
JOSIE
Okay, I can do this. Piece of cake.
I can do this.
EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Josie steps out of the car wearing the maribou jacket,
earrings, and white jeans. She shuts the door behing her,
starts walking. She has unknowingly shut her jacket in the
door and as she walks, a piece of maribou rips, trailing
behind her like a tail.
JOSIE
Yeah, okay. Feeling good...
INT. SCHOOL LOBBY - SAME
Josie merges with the throngs of kids and is literally
pushed into the lobby. She stares around, overwhelmed. "Go
Rams!" banners share space with signs that read: "63 DAYS
TIL PROM!" She inches her way along the wall until she is
stopped by a guard who grabs her arm.
GUARD
Hey--where are you going?
JOSIE
Oh, I'm a student. Most definitely
a student. In high school. Here. I
am going to class. With my fellow
students.
(greeting random
kids)
Hi. Hi there.
The guard stares at her a beat and then motions behind
them, to three huge metal detectors that the kids are
filtering through. Josie smiles, "whoops," walks back.
GUARD
(under his breath)
Freak.
INT. SCHOOL LOBBY - MINUTES LATER
Josie's stuff lays out on the post-detector table - cell
phone, laptop, mini tape recorder, electronic organizer,
pager, being scrutinized by the guard. Josie's sure she's
been found out. CAMERA WIDENS. Down from Josie, WE SEE
other kids' belongings spread out. They have the identical
high-tech equipment. The guard picks up Josie's nail file,
examines it -
GUARD
Weapon.
And throws it in the trash.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Josie stares at her class card and eyes the classrooms,
totally lost. She approaches a boy in a flannel shirt and
loose jeans.
JOSIE
Hi--um, I'm looking for Room 204,
Ms. Knox?
As soon as the boy starts to talk, we notice something in
his mouth - a tongue pierce. Josie does too. We ZOOM IN on
that shiny little metal ball. Josie is fixated. So fixated
that we stop hearing the boy's voice. All WE SEE is the
mouth - and that ball - moving. The mouth closes. He's
done. Josie's face is contorted in imagined pain.
JOSIE
Ow.
(catching herself)
I mean, wow. Wow. Great directions.
Clear. Concise.
And Josie takes off, totally embarrassed.
BOY
(under his breath)
Freak.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Josie walks up to Room 204. Opening the door, she's met by
a sea of faces.
MS. KNOX, mid-forties, distracted but bubbly, sits in the
front of the class.
MS. KNOX
Hi - hello. Wilkommen. Entre.
Josie walks in. Kids whisper and snicker.
JOSIE
Sorry I'm late.
MS. KNOX
Yes, well, I'm sorry I forgot to
take my hot flash medication this
morning. Josie, right? Please sit.
Mi casa es su casa.
Josie makes her way to the desk, trailing maribou. The
class titters. She sits in front of two girls, KIRSTEN and
KRISTEN, beautiful and intimidating.
KIRSTEN
That is so sad --
KRISTEN
I know, like five chickens had to
die just so she could look that
stupid.
MS. KNOX
Josie, in my classroom, tardiness
is unacceptable --
JOSIE
I'm really sorry --
Ms. Knox pulls a ridiculously huge sombrero out from under
her desk. The class laughs in recognition.
MS. KNOX
Not as sorry as I am.
Ms. Knox puts the sombrero on a less-than-thrilled Josie.
MS. KNOX
Ole! Ten minutes in this hat, you'll
never be late again. So, let's
hear something about you. Stand
up. Stand up.
Josie does. The sombrero drops over her eyes. She adjusts
it so she can read her notecards.
CLOSE UP on the notecard --it's filled with precise script
under a heading: MY PAST.
She scans it, then flips the cards face-down on the desk.
Confidently she begins --
JOSIE
My name is Josie. I'm a high school
student. I came from --
Just then the classroom door opens. WE SEE from Josie's
perspective a blinding light, Josie squints. From the light
emerges a shadowy vision of Billy Prince.
JOSIE
Billy?
Josie blinks, REVEAL not Billy, but a beautiful guy, Guy.
He stands very close to her.
JOSIE
(catching herself)
BALI.
(another beat)
I'm from Billy-Bali. It's a suburb
of Bali proper.
Guy pushes past her, tosses a wooden hall pass to Ms. Knox,
and moves to his seat.
MS. KNOX
Bali. Fascinating! What did your
family do there?
Josie looks around in panic, sees a student in a South
Glen South windbreaker with huge ram on the back.
JOSIE
We were--sheep--farmers. We raised
sheep. In Billy-Bali.
Josie realizes the trouble she's gotten herself into.
JOSIE
Oh my God.
(caught)
Oh my God--do I miss Billy-Bali.
(beat)
It had--a really great...aquarium.
She sits. Defeated.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
Josie rushes down the hall, still toting her enormous bag.
A huge banner - SOUTH GLEN, OUR NATION'S BEST PROM - hangs
prominently. She talks covertly into a hand-held tape
recorder.
JOSIE
Note to self--Research Bali. Kill
Anita for picking out this outfit.
Find and destroy sombrero.
INT. CLASSROOM - SAME
Josie and her enormous bookbag enter. She takes a seat
toward the back of the room.
Kristen, Kirsten and GIBBY, another beauty, enter and head
to the back of the room.
Kirsten and Gibby stand over Josie, staring at her.
KIRSTEN
We sit here.
JOSIE
Oh. Sorry--I didn't know these
were assigned.
GIBBY
They're not.
Josie quickly gathers her things and moves one row forward,
next to two empty seats. TWO STONERS shuffle over to Josie.
STONER 1
Sorry. We sit here.
JOSIE
(indicating two
empty seats)
Couldn't you two--sit there?
STONER 2
Right. Except there are three of
us--
The Stoners eye each other, then the two seats. A look of
horror comes over Stoner 1.
STONER 1
Dude--we left Jed at the 7-11!
(beat)
Again!
Josie picks up her stuff, moves to the last empty seat in
the room-in the front row, surrounded by "" who all wear
orange Denominator sweatshirts.
Sitting next to Josie is ALDYS, a Denominator--intense,
wise, with a whole bunch of math medals on her sweatshirt.
She smiles at Josie.
Josie smiles back and looks up as MR. COULSON enters the
room. He's a ruggedly handsome twenty-something Yale grad.
He grabs a notebook out of his bag, goes around to sit on
the front of his desk, sipping coffee from a Styrofoam
cup.
SAM
Hi, everyone.
(Spots Josie)
I don t think we've met. I'm Sam
Coulson- although for some reason
the school has this thing about
not letting you guys call me Sam.
JOSIE
(shyly)
I'm Josie. Geller. I think the
school would probably be pretty
comfortable with you calling, me
that. Josie.
Sam smiles.
SAM
Josie since you're new--I love to
drink my coffee during class, and
since I allow myself to do this, I
allow everyone to bring beverages
to class as well.
(a beat)
welcome to Shakespeare's "As You
Like It."
(beat)
Okay. How many of you actually
read the assignment last night?
About five hands go up.
SAM
Not bad. Now how many of you spent
more than thirty minutes eating
salty snack foods?
Twenty hands. Sam laughs.
SAM
Man. If I could just get you guys
to read while you eat.
Sam opens his book. Aldys notices Josie has no book. She
moves next to her.
ALDYS
Here. We can share.
They share a smile.
SAM
'As You Like It" is an example of
a Shakespearean--
Sam turns to the blackboard and starts writing. We CU on
his butt, hardly discernable in his loose 501 jeans, all
the girls swoon.
SAM
Pastoral Comedy. Anyone know what
that means?
An enthusiastic, if slightly dim girl, SERA, waves her
hand.
SERA
Oh oh oh! That's what they do to
milk!
SAM
That's pasteurize, Sera. But close.
Same letter--
(tapping three
fingers on his arm
a la charades)
--three syllables--
SERA
Parakeet?!
ALDYS:
(sotto to Josie)
There's a minute of my life I'll
never get back.
Josie smiles at this.
SAM
Okay, anyone else---
Josie can't contain herself.
JOSIE
Pastoral means set in the country.
Originally seen in the Eclogues of
Virgil. It's from the Latin pascere.
To graze.
Student bleets like a sheep O.S. Sam just stares at her,
smiling. Finally, he walks over and shakes her hand.
SAM
Did I mention to the class that I
love our new student?
Josie beams.
GIBBY
Did I mention that the class also
loves our new kiss ass?
Josie's smile quickly fades.
SAM
Gibby, that's not exactly the kind
of participation I'm looking for.
Gibby looks right at Josie.
GIBBY
(totally insincere)
Ooops. Sorry.
Josie just sits there, face burning.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
Josie approaches her locker. She can't get to it because a
COUPLE is busy making out against it.
A GIRL'S VOICE comes over the loudspeaker. She's completely
ignored.
GIRL'S VOICE
Hi. This is Sydney, Student Body
President! Okay, first. Bad news-
The' district didn't allocate enough
funds, so as of this afternoon,
there will be no music department.
Now, about Prom--
The entire hallway FREEZES. The couple breaks their clinch
and looks up. SILENCE. Josie is amazed.
SYDNEY’S VOICE
Voting on Prom theme has been
completed. And the theme is--
CU on expectant FACES.
SYDNEY’S VOICE
The Millennium!
PANDEMONIUM. Kids cheer, gasp. One GIRL faints.
The crowd surges again. Josie, caught in the flow, doesn't
notice a locker door flinging open. She smashes her face
right into it. Everyone, including Guy, turns and laughs.
Even some Denominators.
CUT TO:
CU: A CAFETERIA TRAY
Moves down the food line. It's piled with unidentifiable
foods and three glasses of fluorescent red punch. Hands
pull the tray out of the frame. INTO FRAME comes another
tray, this one bearing a perfectly arranged place setting
with three celery sticks on a plate. WIDEN TO REVEAL:
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Josie, pulling the perfect tray down the cafeteria line.
She reaches some awful-looking Cole slaw in a big vat. A
CAFETERIA GUY in a plastic cap hovers above it.
JOSIE
(to cafeteria guy)
Excuse me. What's in the Cole slaw?
The cafeteria guy hauls an industrial-size plastic tub
onto the, counter and turns it-so Josie can read the label:
"KOLE SLAW FOOD." Josie wrinkles her nose. She moves on
to the cash register.
CASHIER
That'll be twelve ninety-five.
JOSIE
(stunned)
Oh my gosh. Wow. That's... pricey.
CASHIER
That's real meat in the ham
sandwich.
Josie turns to a GIRL in line behind her.
JOSIE
Boy--that's a lot of bread for
that bread!
The Girl rolls her eyes, reaches past Josie to grab a
mustard bottle. Josie turns with her tray toward the room.
CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY (FLASHBACK)
4 KIDS stare at CAMERA and chant:
ALL
Josie Grossie--Josie Grossie--Josie
Grossie.
ANGLE BACK ON JOSIE. She's seventeen. Standing with her
tray, paralyzed. The CAMERA SPINS, showing us her back.
There, tattooed in squeeze-bottle mustard, is "GROSSIE."
A boy stands behind her victoriously holding the mustard
bottle.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - SAME (PRESENT DAY)
Josie shakes off the vision and stares out at the crowded
cafeteria. She sees Kirsten, Kristen and Gibby, steels
herself, and decides to approach.
Kirsten is eating a bran muffin.
KRISTEN
Kirsten, that bran muffin has like
75 fat grams.
KIRSTEN
Nah uh.
GIBBY
Yeah, I read this thing that one
bran muffin can be like two bran
muffins sometimes.
Kirsten pushes the muffin away.
KIRSTEN
God. Food is so confusing.
JOSIE
(to Kirsten)
Hi Kristen.
KIRSTEN
It's Kirsten.
Josie plops herself down with these girls, and takes a
spiral pad out of her big knapsack. In the process, she
manages to spill her chocolate milk all over her white
jeans.
JOSIE
That'll teach me to wear white
after Labor Day.
GIBBY
Umm- I don't think you're supposed
to wear white jeans after 1983.
They all laugh. Josie fakes a laugh, too.
JOSIE
Right, right.
Josie picks up her notepad and her pen.
JOSIE
So - tell me about yourselves.
They all just stare at Josie in disgust. Guy approaches
their table.
GUY
I'm Guy.
Guy looks at Josie. He's beautiful. She's flustered.
JOSIE
Yes you are. A guy. Guy. Quite a
guy. Oh my. Look at that--I rhymed.
(beat)
Yikes.
(beat)
Bikes!
GUY
(very serious)
Are you in special ed?
Josie stands up, grabs her bag and her chocolate milk -
JOSIE
Bye. Guy. Others.
She leaves the Cafeteria, passing a-couple of Denominators.
JOSIE
(to herself)
Aaaah! How old am I?
DENOMINATOR #1
Approximately six thousand three
hundred and fifty days old-subject
to adjustment for month of birth.
This is very funny Denominator humor- to the Denominators.
Josie leaves the Cafeteria.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
Josie runs out an exit door and right into a SECURITY GUARD
GUARD
You got a pass?
INT. GYM - LATER
A banner above reads "PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TESTING THIS
WEEK." FIFTEEN SENIOR GIRLS, including Josie, in matching
green and yellow polyester gym clothes do sprints up and-
down the basketball court. Josie looks like she's about to
die. Ms. Brown yells as she passes.
MS. BROWN
move it Geller! Move it! Move it!
Josie stops, grabs the woman by the shoulders.
JOSIE
Must--have--water--
MS. BROWN
What do I look like, your waitress?
Now you're gonna complete these
sprints, cause if you don't you
fail. And if you fail gym, you're
NEVER GETTING INTO COLLEGE!
JOSIE
Oh--my--God--you guys are—still
telling that lie--?
MS. BROWN
That's it Geller--drop and give me
twenty!
Josie drops to the gym floor.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
It's - finally- the end of the day. Josie makes her way
down the hall, clutching her pad of paper, getting pushed
and shoved by kids as they storm outside. A huge banner
hangs overhead reading: "SIGN UP FOR SENIOR NIGHT!"
She tries to smile at some kids, but they all ignore her.
She makes it to the main entrance to the school, where we
see, as she shoves her pad of paper into her bag, it is
completely blank.
EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME
Kids fill the parking lot. Josie walks, talking on her
cell phone.
JOSIE
(into phone)
Rhoda, make sure Gus gets-the whole
message, okay? Yeah--bye--
Josie arrives where she parked Bambi. The space is empty.
She still holds the phone to her ear--
JOSIE
Wait a second--
(into phone)
No, not you--bye--
Josie shuts the phone, looks around...retraces her steps
... Bambi is gone.
Josie walks around the lot, getting visibly upset.
In the corner of the lot, WE SEE a group of Denominators
removing a BIG METAL CHAIN from around a group of tightly
packed cars.
ALDYS (O.S.)
They do it to all the new kids.
Josie finds Aldys standing next to her.
JOSIE
Who's of they?
Aldys motions up to a second floor window. Guy and his
Group look down on them, laughing.
ALDYS
Guy Perkins and his amazing
Lemmings. They push your car out
of its space, hide it, then watch
while you look for it. We've taken
to chaining ours together for
safety. I'm Aldys.
JOSIE
I'm Josie. Aldys is an interesting
name.
ALDYS
When it's not yours. My mom was
going through her Harlequin Romance
phase.
JOSIE
Try being named after a guitar-
playing pussycat.
Aldys doesn't get it.
JOSIE
Never mind.
(beat)
That is so awful that they hide
your cars.
ALDYS
guess. Although, what is truly
awful is that with the combined
intellectual effort of every kid
in that room right now-
She points up to the biology room-
ALDYS
They still would not know the
difference between a synecdoche
and a hyperbole.
Josie laughs.
JOSIE
I know. It's pathetic.
Aldys stares Josie down.
JOSIE
What?
ALDYS
Well, do you?
JOSIE
Synecdoche uses a part to represent
a whole- as in " head of cattle",
whereas a hyperbole is simple
exaggeration like "I could eat a
horse."
ALDYS
Nice.
They stop and look around.
JOSIE
How long will they watch us for?
ALDYS
Until Guy tells them to go. Once
they watched me for like two hours.
I found my car the next day in the
T.J. Maxx parking lot.
JOSIE
Why do they listen to Guy?
ALDYS:
(duh)
Because he's Guy Perkins.
(then)
Listen, you want to walk to Na-
Na's and get something to eat?
JOSIE
Yeah. Let's do that.
They start to walk out of the parking lot. Josie is visibly
thrilled - having finally found a friend.
INT. NA-NA'S - LATER
Josie and Aldys share a huge plate of chili fries.
ALDYS
Yeah - isn't it amazing that those
guys are our same age? I mean,
they just seem so much younger,
you know.
JOSIE
Oh I know.
A WAITER delivers two huge chocolate shakes.
ALDYS
I'm going to be so happy to get to
college. I hear at Northwestern
they don't make fun of you for
knowing the element table.
JOSIE
Hey--I went to Northwestern!
(a beat)
Once. To use the bathroom.
OUT THE WINDOW, Josie sees her Buick with Rob at the wheel
stopped at a red light. Detailed on to the side in big
white script is: "THE TIKI POST".
Josie's eyes widen. The light changes. Rob pulls away.
JOSIE
(So angry)
Oh. My. God.
(a beat)
You'll really like Northwestern.
They both slurp down their shakes.
JOSIE
So what are your hopes, your dreams,
what do you want to be?
ALDYS
Professor of medieval literature.
Novelist. Weekend flautist.
Aldys takes another slurp of her shake. WE HEAR a muffled
cell phone RINGING.
ALDYS
I think your knapsack is ringing.
Josie takes the cell phone out of her knapsack and answers
it.
JOSIE
Hello?
WE INTERCUT WITH:
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - SAME
Gus speaks into his phone, knitting frantically.
GUS
Geller, I got your message. What
the hell kind of story are you
pitching?!
Josie smiles awkwardly at Aldys, covering the phone.
JOSIE
It's my dad. He worries.
(into phone)
Hi, Dad. I miss you too.
GUS
You're a sick puppy, Geller.
Josie indicates to Aldys she'll be right back and walks to
the back of the restaurant by the pay phones.
JOSIE
(into the phone)
It's an expose on cafeteria food.
GUS
And you're leading with the terrible
truth about cole slaw?!
JOSIE
Well, the bulk of it will be about
the pimento loaf--
GUS
Geller...you wanna be a reporter?
Take a look at what sells! Sex
scandals. Bribery. People jumping
off buildings. So unless a kid
just killed himself because he was
being paid to have sex with the
school mascot in a big vat of this
cole slaw, you got nothing!
Gus slams down his phone.
JOSIE
(into a dead phone)
You didn't taste the pimento loaf.
She looks back to the table where Aldys is dividing the
check.
EXT. TRACK - HIGH SCHOOL - DUSK
In the middle of the track is Josie's car. The MARCHING
BAND clumsily practices their formations around it. Josie
and Aldys arrive at the car and Aldys pops the hood.
ALDYS
They love to disconnect the battery,
too.
She looks under the hood, reconnects the battery. Slams
the hood down.
ALDYS
Just so you know, I think they
recalled these cars in 1974.
JOSIE
Thanks.
ALDYS
Sure. No problem.
Aldys heads to the lot for her car, and then turns around.
ALDYS
Hey, Josie, how are you at Calculus?
JOSIE
Petty good.
ALDYS
How would you like to join The
Denominators? The Math Team could
really use a new brain. We lost
our best logarithm guy last year.
JOSIE
College?
ALDYS
NASA.
(beat)
Plus we have these really fun pizza
study groups, and we go to-these
all county meets. And, I mean, not
that you need it, and without
sounding too much like the
Godfather, I think we could offer
you a certain amount of protection",
if you know what I mean. We all
kind of stick together and watch
out for each other.
Josie smiles.
MUSIC UP: SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK'S "Magic Three"
AS WE BEGIN MONTAGE:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Josie and Denominators walk down the hallway in unison,
past Guy's Group, open their lockers in order a la
"RESERVOIR DOGS", take out paper, pencils, calculators.
INT. - HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Josie and Aldys, both wearing big orange Denominator
sweatshirts, are behind a table manning a bake sale.
A banner behind them says: n = 3.14578697786978 Pie = $.75
No one is stopping to buy anything. Josie points to the
left, Aldys looks, and Josie stuffs a whole brownie in her
mouth. They laugh uncontrollably as Josie starts to choke
and cough up most of the brownie.
We PAN DOWN a row of nervous looking Denominator faces as
they watch Josie, sitting head to head against a DIGIT, an
opposing Math-a-lon competitor. They both work furiously
on a problem. A judge sits between them. A makeshift
scoreboard hanging off the desk shows the score is tied.
Josie bangs the bell on the desk and hands the judge her
card. He looks it over, and gives her team five points.
They win.
The Denominators erupt into cheers. They're jumping all
over Josie, going crazy. As we go wider we see the gym is
entirely empty, except for a handful of Denominators going
crazy on one side, and a janitor sweeping up on the other.
INT. MALL BOOK STORE - DAY
Smiling at each other, Josie and Aldys clutch books
excitedly and stand in line. WE WIDEN to reveal they're in
line with NERDY ADULTS also clutching their books. At the
head of the line is a blow-up poster for The New Elements
Of Grammar. An OLD MAN signs books for his fans.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's late. Josie is typing on her laptop, referencing notes
from her notebook. Schoolbooks and homework are spread
around her.
END MONTAGE.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Sam is perched on the desk. The usual players in their
usual seats. Aldys is standing and reading from her book.
ALDYS:
(reading)
"All the world's a stage and all
the men and women merely players."
SAM
Anyone have any idea what
Shakespeare meant by that?
No one answers.
SAM
Anyone? Sera ... Megan ... exchange
student who doesn't speak English?
We CU on the students, ending on an Asian boy who smiles
wildly at Sam and waves. Sam smiles, and waves back.
SAM
It's about disguise, playing a
part. It's the theme of "As You
Like It." Can anyone tell me where
we see that?
ALDYS
Well, Rosalind disguises herself
as a man and escapes into the
forest.
SAM
Right. And it's when she's in
costume that she can finally express
her love for Orlando. See,
Shakespeare's making the point
here that when we're disguised, we
feel freer. We can do things we
wouldn't do in ordinary life.
CU on Josie's face. She's clearly uncomfortable. Sam walks
up to a huge football player, BRETT.
SAM
Brett when you go out on the
football field in your uniform,
what happens?
BRETT
We win?
SAM
You hit people. You yell. You touch
other guys' butts.
The class giggles. Brett looks horrified.
SAM
But it's okay, because you're in
uniform. Disguise changes the rules
(beat)
I had these Spiderman pyjamas. I
thought when I wore them, that I
had super powers. One night I tried
to walk up the side of the garage.
SERA
Did you make it?
SAM
To the Emergency Room. Yeah.
Josie smiles at this, a little smitten.
SAM
Josie, why don't you read from Act
5, Scene 2, Rosalind's speech--
Josie stands up, starts reading--
JOSIE
"No sooner had they met but they
looked; no sooner looked but they
loved; no sooner loved but they
sighed..."
JOSIE'S VOICE BEGINS TO FADE AWAY-
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY (FLASHEACK)
ANGLE BACK to Josie, now seventeen and mortified, nervously
standing in class and reading a poem. Billy Prince sits to
the side--she glances at him throughout the poem, it's
clearly about him.
JOSIE
Does he notice me? Does he hear my
heart screaming his name-- sometimes
it's so loud I think the Gods can
hear my pain. His voice is so
mellifluous, oh to get just one
small kiss.
The CLASS laughs at her except for Billy, who smiles at
her, looking slightly touched.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY (FLASHBACK)
Seventeen-year-old Josie is surrounded by an elaborate,
color-coded index card system for her research paper.
Her friend, SHEILA, over-weight and pimply, comes running
across the library at breakneck speed. She sits down next
to Josie, visibly excited and pushes her index cards aside.
SHEILA
O.K., what have you wanted for
like ever but you didn't think it
would -ever happen?
Josie looks at her for a moment, mulling it over.
JOSIE
That they'd start an Olympic team
for grammar - like diagramming
sentences and verb declensions and
stuff. And I'm scouted for the
team- just as an alternate, of
course- because I'm so young. But
then there's talk of me in the '96
games-
SHEILA.
No-, better. Something better
Josie smiles.
JOSIE
I'm the most popular girl in school,
and Billy Prince is taking me to
prom.
Josie laughs at the absurdity. She looks at Sheila. Sheila
is dead serious.
SHEILA
Yes.
JOSIE
What?
SHEILA
Billy Prince is asking you to prom.
JOSIE
Why?
SHEILA
I don't know.
JOSIE
(beat)
The poem! I knew he liked the poem!
(all sinking in)
Billy Prince is asking me to the
prom.
SHEILA
That's what I'm saying.
The two girls look at each other. Big smiles erupt into
screams, as they jump up and down, hugging each other.
SFX - The BELL RINGS.
INT. SAM'S CLASSROOM (PRESENT)
SAME
It's the end of class. Students pack their bags.
SAM
(calling out)
O.K. - just a reminder. Your paper
is due in one week.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME
Aldys and Josie head out of class and down the hallway
towards their lockers. Josie stops in front of hers where
the Makeout Couple continues their clinch, blocking her
locker. Josie pauses frustrated as Sydney's Voice comes
over the loudspeaker.
SYDNEY (O.S.)
Hey guys! Bad news--Chem wing is
closed. The Hazardous Materials
Crew is on the way. Now, about
prom.
The entire hallway STOPS to listen. The makeout Couple
stop making out.
SYDNEY (O.S.)
Please join a committee--because
we are going to KICK NORTHGLEN'S
BUTT and make millennium the best
prom EVER!
The hallway erupts in CHEERS. Josie makes a move to go for
her locker. The Makeout Couple are faster. They're back in
their clinch, blocking Josie again.
CU ON GUY
walking with his group.
GUY
Rufus! Prom is gonna be Rufus.
KRISTEN
Rufus?
GUY
Yeah. I made it up. Start using
it.
ANGLE BACK ON JOSIE AND ALDYS.
JOSIE
What is with this school and prom?
ALDYS
Southglen South competes every
year for best prom, and usually
they win. We Denominators don't
even go to prom. -But to everyone
else it's huge.
JOSIE
Aldys, don't miss your prom--it
only happens once.
ALDYS
This one has been so hyped. We're
tied for most wins with Northglen
North. This year's winner will
determine the winner of the century.
The theme is everything. So whatever
Southglen picks has to be totally
unique--
INT. NORTHGLEN NORTH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
KIDS all stare at a loudspeaker.
KID'S VOICE: (O.S.)
And this year's prom theme is--the
millennium!
The Northglen kids go crazy.
INT. SOUTHGLEN HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME
Josie reaches for her knapsack, and realizes she left it
in English.
JOSIE
I left my bag in English. I'll see
you later.
Josie dashes down the hallway.
INT. CLASSROOM - SAME
Sam still sits at his desk. He reads a book. Josie enters.
SAM
Whoa. Deja Vu.
JOSIE
Sorry. Forgetful.
Josie picks up her bookbag. She notices the book Sam's
reading--
JOSIE
(excited)
Dorothy Parker--
SAM
You like her?
JOSIE
I love the way she writes.
SAM
Not the happiest of souls.
(reading out of
book)
"Art is a form of catharsis, and
love is a permanent flop."
JOSIE
But I think she wanted to be happy,
that's why she wrote. I mean, she
was still writing about love, right?
SAM
True. I guess she hadn't completely
given up hope.
(then)
Are you sure you're seventeen?
JOSIE
Sure, why?
SAM
Because seventeen-year-olds do not
like writers from the '30's. They
don't even like people in their
30's.
JOSIE
Well, I'm definitely seventeen and
(off clock)
now definitely late--
And she smiles and runs out.
INT. ALDYS' CAR - NIGHT
Aldys drives, Josie has shotgun and TYKE, Aldys' nine-year-
old sister, is in back. They all hold double-scooped cones
and they all sing FREE TO BE YOU AND ME at full voice.
TYKE
See, aren't you guys glad you took
a break from that Denominator stuff.
I mean, you shouldn't be spending
your Saturday night studying the
whole time.
ALDYS
we should be spending it thinking
of how we can better serve your
baby-sitting needs?
TYKE
They pull up at a red light, next
to an abandoned drive-in. Josie
peers in, and sees a BIG GROUP OF
KIDS, standing around a bonfire
drinking beers, talking, a few
making out. She opens her window,
sticks her head out, and tries to
get a better look.
JOSIE
What's that?
ALDYS
That's the old drive-in. They call
it "The Court". Now it's just a
continuous party for Guy's group.
ANGLE ON: Gibby and Kristen talking by a car.
ALDYS
Sometimes I wonder what they talk
about.
JOSIE
Yeah, I know.
ALDYS
I mean, what if they just stupid
to hide the fact that they're
actually brainiacs with super powers
and they're plotting to take over
the world and make my life hell
until I die?
ANGLE ON: THE COOL GIRLS.
GIBBY
No. It's lather, rinse, repeat.
ANGLE BACK ON: ALDYS AND JOSIE
Suddenly, Guy pokes his head in, startling everyone.
GUY
Wow, if it isn't Alpo. Coming out
to sniff some hydrants?
Josie is frozen, but not Aldys.
ALDYS
Oh, Guy, you on a little break
from having an original thought?
Ooops, I forgot, that's all the
time.
Tyke gets it, and laughs. Guy doesn't get it at all.
GUY
You guys aren't seriously trying
to hang out at The Court?
ALDYS
oooh, cheap wine coolers and a
fire in a trashcan. Where do I
sign up?
GUY
And stay away from prom.
ALDYS
Last I checked--this was still a
free country.
TYKE
(singing)
There's a land that I see, where
the children are free-
Guy's right in Aldys' face, leaning over Josie. Aldys starts
to drive away. Guy keeps his head in the window while he
runs alongside the car.
GUY
Look, geek, why don't you just go
home and play with your calculator.
Figure out how many lifetimes it
will take you to get cool.
Guy stops running, and the car continues down the street.
INT. CAR – CONTINUOUS
Aldys seems a little shaken, Tyke continues singing.
JOSIE
Have you ever wanted to go to The
Court?
ALDYS
Are you kidding, Josie? It's lame.
All they do is stand around and
get drunk. It's lame.
JOSIE
It is?
ALDYS
Yes, it's lame.
JOSIE
Yeah, it sounds lame. Why would we
want to go there, and stand around?
ALDYS
Exactly.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - DAY
CLOSE ON a newspaper headline: "THE COURT - SITE FOR
PARTIES, DRUGS AND WEEKEND ARRESTS" - as Gus throws the
newspaper down on his desk.
Josie sits across the desk from him. She reads the headline,
looking very surprised.
GUS
Josie, I am appalled.
Josie picks up the paper, and starts reading intently.
JOSIE
Jeez, so am I. I had no idea that
these kids- let's see- turn to A14-
She tries to turn to A14, but Gus grabs the paper out of
her hands in a rage.
GUS
(trying to keep his
cool)
No, I am appalled that I have a
reporter in there, undercover, for
almost three weeks now- I had to
read about this in the Tribune.
JOSIE
Oh. Right.
Gus angrily tries to fold the paper back 'up. He's having
a hard time. Josie tries to help, but he yanks it away.
Gus reads aloud from the newspaper.
GUS
Responding officers found minors,
marijuana, and cheap wine coolers
when they responded to a call to
break up a party at what Southglen
High Schoolers have come to call
"The Court." Seventeen-year-old
Kristen Rey says, "Yeah, everyone
who's anyone is at The Court on
Saturday night."
JOSIE
(disbelieving)
Kristen got a quote?
Gus looks up at Josie.
JOSIE
Yes, urm, she's right. I have
learned it is a very popular place
for the young people to go.
GUS
Have you been there?
JOSIE
Uhh, no.
GUS
Have you been to any parties?
JOSIE
Well, how would you define to
parties"? Because we ordered a
deli platter at this one Denominator
drill session--
Gus looks like he may combust. He opens the newspaper,
finds what he's looking for, and shoves it in Josie's face.
It is a picture of all of the popular kids at Southglen-
Kristen, Kirsten, Gibby, Guy- they are all posing for the
picture at The Court, smiling and holding beers.
GUS
This is where the stories are. You
are going to become friends with
these people. You are going to
party with them. You are going to
hang out with them on weekends.
When they go to prom, you are going
to be in their same damn limo!
JOSIE
Gus I, the popular kids and I, we
just don't- I mean, I don't think
I can do this.
He points to the picture in the paper of the Popular Kids.
GUS
Do you even know these kids?
JOSIE
(trying)
They hid my car--
Gus leans in very close.
GUS
Get to know them. Very well. Your
job and my job depends on it.
JOSIE
(very small)
Depend on it. No s. Your subject
is plural.
GUS
OUT!
Josie grabs her knapsack and does.
INT. ANITA'S CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Josie runs through the bullpen, past Anita's cubicle. ROGER
from op/ed enters. He and Anita smile flirtatiously.
ANITA
Hi Roger from op/ed--
ROGER
Hi Anita from classifieds. We still
on for tonight?
ANITA
of course--
And he leans in and kisses her. She pulls away, confused.
A beat. Anita kisses him again. Nothing.
ANITA (CONT’D)
(can't believe she's
saying it--)
Y'know what? No, I don't think we
are on. I think I have to stay
home.
(liking how it sounds)
Yeah. I'm staying home! I don't
know what I'll do there, but I'm
gonna do it. Alone!
Roger walks off.
ROGER
(under)
Freak.
EXT. JOSIE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - NIGHT
Rob opens the door still dressed in his Tiki Post outfit.
He takes one look at Josie and knows that things are not
good.
JOSIE
Are mom and dad here?
ROB
No. They're at the Franklin Hint
Expo at the Skokie Holiday Inn.
JOSIE
Good.
She shoves her way into the house. Rob follows.
INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS
Josie storms into the den, and plants herself on the sofa.
She sees that Rob has been watching baseball on T.V., and
she turns it off.
JOSIE
I can't do it. I thought I could.
I can't. I give up--I'm never going
to be a reporter.
Rob sits next to her on the couch. He looks up at the T.V.-
which is now off.
ROB
Did you catch the score?
Josie gives him a look of death.
ROB
No, I mean, no big whoop.
JOSIE
I can't do this.
She pulls the article out of her purse, and shoves it at
Rob. He sees the picture of all the popular kids at The
Court.
ROB
These girls are high schoolers?
Damn, we've got some underage
hotties on our hands, here!
JOSIE
Gus insists that I become friends
with these kids. The popular kids.
It's impossible.
ROB
Why is that impossible?
Josie's eyes get teary.
JOSIE
Rob, you don't know how it was for
me back in high school. No one
ever threw juice boxes at you in
the hallway. You never dreamed
about being popular- you already
were. All I wanted was to be
accepted, and they just fucking
tortured me. I can't do all that
again. I can't go back to Southglen
South.
ROB
Oh my God! You're at Southglen
South? They have a killer baseball
team.
JOSIE
Rob. Please focus.
He puts his arm around her.
ROB
Jos, you've been to college, you're
successful, you wash your hair now--
you're not Josie Grossie anymore.
JOSIE
Don't you realize how much I wanted
to be you in high school? Just for
one minute to feel what it was
like to be popular?
ROB
Come on! It's not that hard. All
you need is one person. Once the
right person thinks you're cool,
you're in. Everyone else will be
too scared to question it.
JOSIE
Is that true?
ROB
Little known fact.
Josie takes this in.
ROB
Look, don't you wanna show them -
Gus, Billy Prince, yourself--that
you're not freaked out by the cool
kids anymore? That you can go in
there, be friends with them, and
get your story?
JOSIE
Yes, desperately.
ROB
Plus, if you quit you're no better
than me.
JOSIE
Better than I...
ROB
That's the spirit!
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - NEXT MORNING
Josie approaches the school. She's clearly made a new
attempt at style- she's teetering on too-high platform
shoes and showing a blending white midriff. No one pays
much attention to her.
GEORGE, thirty-something African-American, the epitome of
cool, waves Josie over to an open van side door. Josie
looks confused and scurries to the van.
JOSIE
(sotto)
George! What are you doing here?
GEORGE
Just get in the van, Josie.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - MOMENTS LATER
High-tech surveillance wonderland meets seventies living
room. Tape players and monitors share space with shag
carpeting and a mini-fridge. Barry White PLAYS on a TAPE.
George starts to wrap wire around Josie's waist. He pins a
kid's plastic "captain's wings" onto her collar.
JOSIE
What is this?
GEORGE
Hidden camera.
JOSIE
Wings?
GEORGE
We used it for our expose on
overweight flight attendants--"Is
That Why They Never Give You a
Second Bag of Nuts?"
JOSIE
I'm not doing this until I speak
with Gus.
GUS (O.S.)
(through speaker)
Geller, stop being a pain in the
ass.
Josie looks all around.
JOSIE
Gus?
GUS (O.S.)
No, it's the Great and Powerful
Oz. Now listen--you're in over
your head. This is how it's gonna
work. I review the tapes, I find
your story.
JOSIE
What if I say no?
GUS (O.S.)
I bet Good Housekeeping would go
gaga over the cole slaw piece.
Off Josie's look of concern...
EXT. SCHOOL - MINUTES LATER
A crush of kids flood up the stairs to the front door of
the school. We see Kirsten, Kristen and Gibby walking three
abreast ahead of Josie up the stairs. The Crowd parts around
them. Josie heads towards them.
JOSIE
Hey! Kirsten, Kristen, Gibby--
What's up girlfriends?
The three girls pause and turn just as Josie, caught up in
the moment, doesn't see a stray backpack on the stairs in
front of her. Josie trips and--
JOSIE-CAM POV:
The CAMERA FACE-PLANTS into the pavement.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - SAME
George watches the monitor, winces.
JOSIE-CAM POV:
The CAMERA still faces the pavement.
JOSIE (O.S.)
(small)
I'M OKAY.
INT. COULSOM'S CLASSROOM - LATER
Josie is standing, reading from her paper. Sam is rapt.
JOSIE
And so it is Rosalind, in disguise,
who is best able to see through
the disguises of others. To say to
Phebe, "Mistress, know thy self,"
to look at love from every angle,
and to realize, finally, that she
is in love with Orlando--
The BELL RINGS. Class is over. Josie puts her stuff away
and starts to follow the Cool Girls out.
JOSIE
Hey guys, wait up--
The Girls keep moving. Sam stops Josie.
SAM
Hey, Josie, hold on.
(then)
You've been hiding something from
me.
JOSIE
Oh I don't think so.
SAM
Your writing. It's amazing, Josie.
You're really talented. And far
less depressing than Dorothy Parker.
JOSIE
Thank you.
SAM
So what are you thinking for
college?
JOSIE
College. Haven't really thought
about it.
SAM
That's crazy. I'll get you some
applications.
JOSIE
Oh no no no no no. See, my family,
we don't go to college.
(beat)
We just go right into sheep herding.
SAM
Josie you owe it to yourself to
go. For your writing. You're a
natural.
JOSIE
Thanks. Wow. That's--really nice
to hear.
SAM
Josie, you're different. When you
speak in class, I can tell--You
actually feel the words--
(touching heart)
in here. They're alive. Like-Eurdora
Welty talked about the word it
moon"? How for her it was like a
Concord grape. "That Grandpa took
off his vine and gave to me to
suck out of its skin--"
SAM/JOSIE
It --and swallow whole."
They both take a breath in. Look away from each other.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN – SAME
George watches the monitor.
GEORGE
Uh oh.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Anita sits on Gus's desk, watches the last scene on Gus's
TV, engrossed. Gus walks in and stops the tape.
GUS
Showtime's over! Move-it! Back to
work!
Anita climbs off his desk.
ANITA
Gus, have you ever been in love?
GUS
Leave.
ANITA
Oh give it up, Gus. I'm just making
conversation.
GUS
Love. Who knows what that is? Now
circulation, deadlines, those I
understand.
ANITA
You should go out every now and
then, Gus; with some new ties the
girls would be all over you.
Gus stares down at his tie. But he's smiling--a little.
GUS
Go away. I have enough work here
to last me all night.
ANITA
Listen, I don't have any plans--
you want some help?
GUS
No Roger from op/ed?
ANITA
Nope.
They share a smile.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Josie walks toward her locker, the Make out Couple is at
it again. Josie's fed up. She taps the Boy on his shoulder.
JOSIE
Excuse me. Hi. Do you guys have
some kind of schedule I could work
around?
He ignores Josie and goes back to his Girlfriend.
Aldys, in her Denominator sweatshirt decorated with pins,
approaches Josie.
ALDYS
Hey, where's your sweatshirt?
JOSIE
– uhh, must have forgotten-
ALDYS
No biggie. I have an extra in my
locker. I'll get it for you.
She starts to leave.
ALDYS
Oh – I almost forgot – I'll see
you tonight at Big Cup. 7:30, right?
Josie looks confused.
ALDYS
Remember, that poet that we liked
– the reading he's doing at Big
Cup? I got us tickets.
JOSIE
Right. 7:30.
ALDYS
I'm late for lab.
Aldys takes off. Josie looks down the hall, where Guy,
Kristen and the others are all looking at a flyer pasted
to the wall.
GUY
That is gonna be such a sweet show.
I am so there.
Guy looks at Tommy and Jason, who f follow his lead.
TOMMY
Oh, yeah, man, I'll drive.
JASON
It's gonna be Rufalicious.
GUY
(beat)
You're using it wrong.
They head off, en masse. Josie goes and looks at the flyer:
"JIMMY CLIFF TONIGHT AT DELLOSER HALL". Josie smiles.
EXT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - NIGHT
Marquee reads "Jimmy Cliff." A crowd has gathered by the
door. Josie gets out of cab, and walks towards the club.
INT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - NIGHT
Josie enters the small, smoky club. She wears what she
considers to be her "hip concert outfit," an outfit that
completely clashes with the Rasta wear of the other concert
goers. -She reaches the BOUNCER.
BOUNCER
You Drinking?
Josie notices the two Stoners from school standing behind
her in line.
JOSIE
I am not 21. I am only seventeen
and I still attend high school.
The bouncer stamps her hand. She looks down at her hand.
WE CU ON her hand, reading DELLOSER.
She enters as the two Stoners approach the Bouncer.
BOUNCER
Two of you?
A beat as the Stoners look at each other, realizing...
STONER 1
(to Stoner 2)
Oh, Dude--
And they run out of the club.
INT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - SAME
JIMMY CLIFF is playing. The crowd sits at tables, grooving.
Josie approaches the bar. A guy turns around--it's Sam.
SAM
Josie--out on a school night.
A woman, LARA, emerges from the crowd. And puts her arm
around SAM. An awkward beat.
LARA
Hi.
JOSIE
Hi.
SAM
Oh, right, sorry. Lara--Josie.
Josie--Lara.
(to Lara)
Josie's a student of mine.
(to Josie)
Lara's my-date.
LARA
Nice to meet you.
Another awkward pause.
LARA
C'mon, c'mon, let's go dance.
The crowd roars over Cliff's next song as Lara drags San
off into the crowd. Sam looks back briefly at Josie as we
lose him into the crowd.
ANGLE ON JOSIE
She sees Guy's group sitting at a table and approaches an
empty seat. They immediately scoot around so that the seat
is taken. Undeterred, Josie sees a seat at the next table
and sits down in it. She looks up to see that she is at a
table of huge RASTAFARIANS. They all wear big Rasta hats
and even bigger hair and are smoking a joint the size of
Cuba. She smiles awkwardly.
JOSIE
Hi. Is it okay if I sit here?
RASTA #1
Oh, ya mon. We accept all peoples.
We are all about da' love.
Josie and the Rasta's start to groove to the music. Josie
looks over at Guy's table, sees they are toking off a small
joint and passing it around.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOS
George and his DATE, a Pam Grier look-alike, sit close on
the couch, grooving to the CONCERT PLAYING on the monitor
and through the various speakers. CU on the monitor.
JOSIE-CAM POV:
The joint the size of Cuba is passed INTO FRAME. Josie's
hand takes it. Catching sight of this, George and his Date
exchange concerned looks.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - LATER
Josie is high beyond belief, wearing a big Rasta hat and
loudly laughing her ass off as the Rastas just stare. She
can hardly keep herself in her chair.
JOSIE
Get it?! Get it?! He was a
firecracker!
She lifts up Rasta 1's dreadlocks to get his ear.
JOSIE
(yelling)
A FIRECRACKER!
And she cracks up again.
RASTA #1
(to Rasta #2)
I don't love her.
Rastas share looks ill around. Then Josie hears the first
strains of "The Harder They Come"--
JOSIE
Oh my God! This music rules!
And Josie proceeds to get up and take over the place--she's
dancing on the table, getting up with the band and playing
the bongos, all with absolutely no rhythm or style. But
with a lot of whooping. The club is agog.
ANGLE ON: Lara and Sam. They both look aghast.
LARA
She's a student of yours?
SAM
(in explanation)
She's from Bali.
And as Josie continues to dance on stage, making a total
fool of herself, Jimmy Cliff turns to CAMERA.
JIMMY
Freak.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - LATER
Josie is on the phone, and is in the process of finishing
an entire pie.
JOSIE
I'm telling you, Rob! I think I
did it! I'm totally in! I was soo
cool tonight! You'd be so--
(staring at fork)
You know what's a weird word? Fork.
(then)
Wait! Wait! Did I tell you about
my new friends? I made friends
with a whole table of Rastafarians!
Not one, a whole table!
(noting empty pie
plate, suddenly
serious)
Oh. My. God. Someone ate my entire
pie.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Josie is asleep where we left her, her head on her hand,
empty pie plate nearby.
She wakes, picks her head up. Looks down at her hand, the
DELLOSER stamp is faint. CLOSE UP ON her forehead. There
in block letters backwards is "LOSER".
She looks up at the clock, which reads: 8:30. She's late.
Very late. She grabs her book bag and her keys, and races
out.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Josie strides confidently down the hallway, LOSER
prominently on her forehead. She sees Guy and his Group.
JOSIE
Hi Guy. Guys. Guy's Guys.
They stare, then snicker.
GUY
Hi loser.
The group laughs and joins in, saying "Hey Loser." Josie's
face registers confusion.
JOSIE-CAM POV:
We move slowly down the packed hallway, the CAMERA shifting
nervously amidst a sea of laughing kids. The LAUGHTER starts
to ECHO.
Josie starts to walk quickly, then run, through the gauntlet
of' laughing and pointing kids.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
WE HEAR THE LAUGHING, the JOSIE CAM JERKS frantically from
KID to KID.
GEORGE
This can not be good--
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
JOSIE CAM P.O.V. WE HEAR Josie BREATHING HEAVILY as she
runs past KIDS who all stare or LAUGH. She makes it to the
Girls Room, pushes open the door.
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Josie goes to the sink, splashes water on her face.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN CONTINUOS
George watches the monitor, HANDS splash water. A HAND
grabs a paper towel. George can now see Josie reflected in
the bathroom mirror. He sees the "LOSER" stamp on her
forehead.
GEORGE
Oh man. Look up, girl. C'mon, Look
up--
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Josie wipes her mouth. Throws the towel away. Goes to exit--
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
George is now apoplectic.
GEORGE
LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Josie pauses, goes back to the mirror. She looks up. Sees
the stamp. Her hand goes to her mouth in horror. She runs
into a stall.
JOSIE CAM P.O.V.: WE FACE the toilet.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
George looks at the monitor in amazement.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - DAY
A Group is watching Gus's TV, including Burns (the hair
plug man) AND HOWARD (arm casts). They are slack-jawed in
shock. WE HEAR O.S. the SOUNDS of Josie VOMITING. Gus shakes
his head sadly.
GUS
It's like the All-Humiliation
Network.
They all nod in agreement.
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER
Josie is in the fetal position on the floor of a stall.
INT. DEN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
The den of Josie's parents' home. Josie is decked out.
She's wearing a pretty hideous metallic pink dress, matching
gloves, bag, shoes. She's shining her braces, using the
T.V. screen as a mirror. The PHONE RINGS. Josie grabs it.
JOSIE
(into phone)
Hey, Billy. I'm ready. Sure, I can
just wait for you on the front
porch. See you in a -uhh- jiffer.
She hangs up. Sixteen year old Rob, very cute and buff,
enters. His pretty GIRLFRIEND is on his arm.
GIRLFRIEND
(mouthing to Rob)
Jiffer?
Rob just shrugs.
EXT. JOSIE'S FRONT PORCH NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Josie, in all her prom splendor, waits out on the front
porch for her date.
She sees a LONG, BLACK LIMO turn the corner, headed for
the house. She's hopping up and down with excitement. She
checks her reflection in her compact, and then watches the
limo approach.
The sunroof of the limo opens and Billy Prince, the Adonis
of the suburbs, stands up, sticking out of the sunroof. He
waves. Josie smiles and waves back.
Then, another figure joins Billy's. It's a GORGEOUS BLONDE
in a slinky dress. She's standing up, sticking out of the
sunroof as well. Josie looks a bit confused, but still
tries to smile. Then, she sees them holding things. LITTLE
THINGS. LITTLE WHITE THINGS.
Before Josie realizes what's going on, her metallic ensemble
is covered in dripping, oozing eggs. One whacks her right
in her trifocals.
BILLY
(shouting)
Hey, write a poem about this!
Billy and his date lob a few more eggs, and their limo
roars off. Josie stands on the porch, alone. She's got egg
in her hair, on her face, all over her dress- everywhere.
She starts to cry. Softly at first, moving into big, loud,
wet sobs. She sits down on the porch, her head in her hands,
and just keeps crying.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - (PRESENT) - DAY
Homeroom has just gotten out, and the halls are packed
with kids. Josie is running full speed, trying to negotiate
around lots of kids, in her frantic-race for the door.
Kids still point and stare.
She bangs into some freshmen, gets whacked by a book bag,
slides some banners that kids are painting - but she won't
slow down.
Just as she's almost at the doors to the school, the BIG
WOODEN DOOR to the front office opens. Josie can't stop. A
figure emerges, but before Josie can even see who it is,
she slams into it and goes down. She bangs her head on the
hard linoleum floor.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - (PRESENT) - DAY
Homeroom has just gotten out, and the halls are packed
with kids. Josie is running full speed, trying to negotiate
around lots of kids, in her frantic-race for the door.
Kids still point and stare.
She bangs into some freshmen, gets whacked by a book bag,
slides some banners that kids are painting - but she won't
slow down.
Just as she's almost at the doors to the school, the BIG
WOODEN DOOR to the front office opens. Josie can't stop. A
figure emerges, but before Josie can even see who it is,
she slams into it and goes down. She bangs her head on the
hard linoleum floor.
DISSOLVE TO:
JOSIE-CAM POV:
WE SEE two KIDS looking down into the camera.
JASON
Hey--you okay?
Camera nods "yes" slowly. Tommy and Jason come into frame.
TOMMY
Wow. You took a pretty big fall.
JASON
Yeah. Like every loser should. And
they move out of frame, laughing.
JOSIE
As every loser should.
VOICE
Are you O.K.? Josie, are you O.K.?
Rob comes into frame.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Rob is bent over Josie. She rubs her eyes.
JOSIE
I've been in a horrible accident.
This is a coma-induced nightmare.
ROB
No. Josie, this is real.
She looks up.
JOSIE
Oh my God! That's worse!
(beat)
What are you doing here?!
Rob leans in and whispers to Josie.
ROB
I just registered.
Rob whips out his fake ID and shows it to her.
ROB
(proudly)
Manufactured at the Tiki Post.
Rob helps Josie up.
JOSIE
Are you crazy?! You can't do this.
ROB
This is it Jos! This is my ninth
inning! The game isn't over--I
just thought it was! I get on the
Southglen baseball team, the right
scout sees me-- I'm into the minors-
it's game time!
JOSIE
You're twenty-three years old!
ROB
With the reading comprehension of
a fifteen year old! Plus, I'm
popular... You want to be popular...
I can recognize a cry for help
when I see one.
JOSIE
Hear one.
(then)
Rob, this is so like you. You know,
you can't just come in here and be
popular in just one day.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - LATER
Josie emerges from the cafeteria line with her tray. A
LOUD CHANT comes from one of the tables.
CROWD
ROB, ROB, ROB
She turns to see Rob in the middle of a hot dog eating
contest with a HUGE WRESTLER. Rob downs his last one, raises
his hands in victory. The CROWD goes WILD. Rob sits down
at Guy's table.
JOSIE
Oh my god.
ANGLE ON GUY'S TABLE
GUY
Dude, you rock!
He high-fives Rob. A pretty girl, TRACY approached Rob.
TRACY
Hi. I'm Tracy and I'm sixteen and
I'm a gymnast and I don't have a
boyfriend...
ROB
(looks skyward,
mouths)
Thank you.
(Then , to Tracy)
I'm Rob.
TRACY
Duh.
ANGLE BACK ON JOSIE
Aldys approaches.
ALDYS
Hey – where were you last night? I
was worried.
Josie can't take her eyes off Rob sitting at Guy's table.
Aldys notices Josie's distraction.
JOSIE
What?
ALDYS
Last night. 7:30. Big Cup. I kept
calling you, but I only got your
machine. I don't even know your
parents line and I was really
worried.
JOSIE
Oh. I forgot.
Aldys is really hurt.
ALDYS
Well, maybe you should forget about
sitting with us too.
Josie just stands there all alone.
EXT. TRACK - LATER
Girls P.E. is over. The girls head back to the locker room.
Josie lags behind the group, and then wanders over to the
baseball diamond, where she hears a bunch of hoots and
hollers.
EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - SAME
The team is practicing. Rob has just hit a home run with
three men on. EVERYONE CHEERS him on as he runs the bases.
As he comes into home, he is met with congrats, high fives.
Everyone loves him.
Josie watches the whole scene, seething with jealousy.
INT. GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM - LATER
Josie, post-shower, is wrapped in a towel and carrying her
sweaty gym clothes. A group of GIRLS walk by her, giggling
as they exit. She approaches her locker and finds it ajar
and completely empty. She looks from the empty locker down
to the sweaty clothes in her hand. A realization sweeps
over her face.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
Josie shuffles down the hall, still wearing her cheesy
green and yellow gym clothes. She is clearly beaten. She
looks down the hall, stunned.
It is ridiculous Rob is being followed by a posse, everyone
knows his name. Girls tug on his shirt, guys slap him on
the back or high-five him.
JASON
Hey, Rob.
TOMMY
Robster, what's up?
BRETT
The Rob man. My man Rob.
GIBBY
Hey, Robbie.
KRISTEN
Hi there Robbie Rob.
Josie sees Guy approach Rob, and shake his hand.
GUY
Hey Robo- how's it going?
ROB
Nice pants, man. They are rufus.
Guy smiles. Josie looks like she's going to hurl. She looks
down the hall the other way- where a huge banner hangs
that reads:
"IMPEACH SYDNEY ANAKOWSKI. ELECT ROB STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT.
TRACY
Hey Rob, see you at the carnival
later?
STONER 1
It's Robilicious!
Josie looks on the wall next to her- and sees a list:
"FINAL CAST LIST FOR HAMLET. HAMLET . . . ROB."
JOSIE
Oh, please.
Josie has seen enough, and walks on.
EXT. CARNIVAL GROUNDS - NIGHT
Establishing shot of a smallish carnival, Ferris wheel,
midway, tea cups ride. Near the entrance reads a banner:
"SOUTHGLEN HIGH SENIOR NIGHT".
EXT. CARNIVAL MIDWAY - SAME
Aldys and the Denominators stand in front of a booth that
displays a large glass jar of jellybeans. Calculators and
paper out, they're engrossed in find the answer.
Josie walks by alone. The Denominators don't notice her.
EXT. THE FERRIS WHEEL - SAME
WE PAN DOWN the line of KIDS waiting to ride the Ferris
wheel. In front are Tommy, Jason, Gibby and Kirsten.
KIRSTEN
This has been so much fun! We've
been first in line for every ride!
TOMMY
That's cuz we cut every line.
WE PAN DOWN to the end of the line, where we find Josie,
standing alone. She's trying her best to keep her game
face on. The CARNY opens the gate, the Kids pile onto the
ride, two by two. Josie reaches an empty car--the last one--
and gets in. The Carny holds the safety bar open.
CARNY
Where's your partner?
JOSIE
I don't--I don't have one--
CARNY
(yelling loudly)
I GOT A LONELY RIDE IN BUCKET SEVEN!
(to Crowd)
SINGLE!
JOSIE
Do you have to yell like that?
Sam, standing by a vendor, looks over and notices Josie's
predicament.
TOMMY (O.S.)
Of course it's Loser that's holding
up the ride!
Sam walks up to the Josie's bucket.
SAM
This seat taken?
JOSIE
(relieved)
Thank you.
He gets in. The ride JERKS into motion.
SAM
(nervous)
Whoa.
They start a slow ascent. Sam seems ill at ease.
JOSIE
Are you--scared?
SAM
I'm gonna tell you something here,
and I hope it doesn't undermine my
position as an authority figure.
I'm a little afraid of heights.
JOSIE
You're afraid of the Ferris wheel.
SAM
Actually, it's more the plunging
head first into the crowd part
that gets me.
JOSIE
Oh right. The Spiderman incident.
SAM
(touched)
You remember that story?
JOSIE
Of course. I remember everything
from your class.
They smile at each other. The smile is interrupted by a
HEAVY SWAYING of their bucket, caused by Tommy ROCKING in
the bucket ahead. Sam looks a little green.
SAM
Yoooooow.
JOSIE
Don't look down!
They're facing the ground at this point.
SAM
Out of my control.
(yelling to Tommy)
TOMMY! CUT IT OUT! ENOUGH!
Tommy stops. Sam turns to Josie.
SAM
(defensive)
I said that as a chaperone.
They start to ascend again. Sam relaxes.
SAM
Okay This is okay. Smooth.
(then)
Can I ask you something? Do you
think I tell too many stories in
class?
JOSIE
That's what makes you interesting.
(beat, recovering)
As a teacher.
SAM
God, I would love to think I'm an
interesting teacher. I mean, I had
maybe one or two teachers in high
school who had any passion at all.
JOSIE
You do. Seem to. Have passion. In
the classroom.
SAM
You have to say that. You're my
student.
JOSIE
I don't have to say that.
They look into each other's eyes just as Tommy RATTLES his
bucket ruthlessly.
TOMMY (O.S.)
IF THE BUCKET'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T
COME-A KNOCKIN'.
Josie and Sam laugh uncomfortably.
SAM
Boys.
JOSIE
I know.
SAM
I'd like to tell you that we all
grow out of it, but that's a lie.
Some of us will always be rattling
cages.
JOSIE
Why do you do that?
SAM
I don't know. And you know what's
scary--when you get older it just
gets more confusing. I've spent
the last ten years with women who
are basically all wrong for me.
(beat)
You know what, I shouldn't be
talking about this stuff with you.
JOSIE
That's okay. It's nice to have
someone to talk to--
The bucket is rocked again by Tommy--Sam grips the safety
bar.
SAM
(as he rocks)
Same here.
They stop rocking but they're still stuck at the top.
SAM
All I can tell you is that when
you're my age, the guys will be
lined up around the block for you.
They share a smile.
JOSIE
(suddenly shy)
You have to say that. You're my
teacher.
SAM
I shouldn't say that, because I'm
your teacher.
They look at each other, their smiles fading into
realization. Suddenly, the car jerks, and they start to
move down. Josie and Sam are pulled out of their reverie.
They smile awkwardly at each other and laugh a small laugh.
WIDE SHOT of the Ferris wheel as Josie and Sam descend.
SAM (V.O.)
Thanks, Josie. This wasn't as bad
as I thought.
JOSIE (V.O.)
When are you going to open your
eyes?
SAM (V.O.)
I'm thinking when I'm home.
EXT. BASEBALL DUGOUT - DAY
Rob sits with a bunch of BASEBALL PLAYERS. MATZ and PACKER,
the studs of the team, come into the dugout and join them.
PACKER
Hey Rob, thanks for showing me
that new grip. It totally changed
my swing.
ROB
No problem, man.
They do one of those elaborate, fraternity-like handshakes.
Out of the corner of his eye, Rob sees Josie walking alone
across the field. He gets an idea.
ROB
Hey, you guys know that girl, Josie
Geller?
MATZ
You mean "Loser"?
ROB
No, dude, Josie. We used to go out
and she dumped me. But we're still
good friends. And she is… amazing,
if you know what I mean.
The guys are all stunned.
INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY
Gibby stands staring at a skeleton with Rob and the Cool
Girls.
GIBBY
All right--that's it. Just water
and Ex-Lax till prom.
ROB
Hey--Josie's Dad invented that
stuff. Josie's like the heiress to
the Ex- Lax fortune.
KIRSTEN
(impressed)
SHUT UP.
ROB
Yeah. She's loaded. She spends all
her vacations on the family yacht
in the south of France.
They react.
EXT. TRACK - DAY
Rob stands behind the bleachers with Tommy, Jason, and
Guy.
TOMMY
No way.
JASON
She used to date the drummer for
The Big Bad Voodoo Daddys?
GUY
No way. I always wanted to be a
drummer.
ROB
Yeah well, she left him for the
drummer from "Sister Hazel." Y'know
the song "All for You?"
GUY
That was about Josie?
(impressed)
Rufus…
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Josie turns with her tray after paying. Aldys sees her.
ALDYS
Hey, Josie--I'm really sorry I
snapped at you. Do you wanna--
Josie sees Rob waving her over to "the table" where Kristen,
Gibby and the gang sit.
JOSIE
Oh, Aldys, y'know, I have to--
And Josie walks over to Guy's table, leaving Aldys staring
after her. Josie sits down at the table. Everyone stares
at her.
GIBBY
Hey Josie. It's Josie, right?
KRISTEN
Can I just say--I totally love Ex-
Lax.
JOSIE
(confused)
Okay, that's good to know--
TOMMY
I can't believe you dated Big Bad
Voodoo Daddy.
Josie shoots a look at Rob.
ROB
Hey, I told you--Josie doesn't
like to talk about that.
KIRSTEN
Yeah, Tommy, that's totally gochay.
GIBBY
I think it's pronounced gauche.
JOSIE
Yeah it's French. There's no accent
aigue, so the e is soft.
A silent beat. Josie thinks she may have blown it.
GIBBY
Duh, of course you would know that.
From being on your yacht in the
south of France.
They all smile at her. Josie soaks in her newfound
popularity.
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM - DAY
On the walls are SAFE SEX posters. On the front desk,
pamphlets on sexually transmitted diseases share space
with plastic biology cross-section models of male and female
reproductive organs.
Sam stands in front of his English class, impatiently
looking at his watch. Josie looks up from her desk, sees
Anita waving wildly from the other side of the glass door.
Josie's eyes widen, she starts to make "get out of here"
movements. Sam notices Josie and follows her gaze to Anita.
He opens the door, speaks sotto to Anita.
SAM
Hi. You're here for the sex talk?
ANITA
(happily taken aback)
Well. I like a man who gets to the
point.
SAM
You're Pam?
ANITA
(frisky)
If you say so.
Sam turns to the class.
SAM
Welcome juniors and seniors, this
is Pam Kitterman. She's our district
health counselor. She's here to
lead our sex discussion.
He ushers a surprised Anita to the front of the room. Josie
reacts.
ANITA
I am? Oh, I am. Hi. Okay. Sex.
Yes, well, sex. What's to say
really, y'know? You like a guy,
you do it. Sometimes he calls.
Sometimes he doesn't.
Anita leans into Josie, talks sotto.
ANITA
(whispering)
Hi!
JOSIE
(also whispering)
What are you doing here?!
ANITA
I had a lunch break so I thought
I'd come by and see you. Your
teacher is a fox!
(then normal voice
to Josie)
Why don't we discuss that after
class. But the burning is totally
normal.
(looking at watch)
Oh look. Class is over already.
SAM
I thought this was a 45-minute
seminar.
ANITA
Right. Right.
Anita walks back to the front of the classroom.
ANITA
Okay, sex. Let's see. Sex is really
fun.
(off Josie's look)
When you're old enough. Which none
of you are, trust me I should know
cuz when you lose it to some guy
named Junior with really bad breath
in the back of a van at a Guns and
Roses concert you're gonna wish
you listened to your Mom when she
said, y'know, no one's gonna want
to buy the whole friggin ice cream
truck when you're handing out the
popsicles for free.
There's a deafening silence. The kids are amazed.
ANITA
Okay. Any questions?
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROON - LATER
The Kids all have bananas and condoms. They are in various
stages of putting the condom over the banana. Anita walks
among them, clearly more comfortable with her role now.
ANITA
Okay. I know it's hard.
Titters from the group.
ANITA
Difficult. But safe sex is really
important. I try to practice it
every day.
Josie reacts.
ANGLE ON KIRSTEN & KRISTEN. Their condoms are snugly on
their bananas. They stare at Josie.
KRISTEN
wait, rewind. Do you really think
she hooked-up with our Rob? They're
so--different.
GIBBY
Sometimes opposites attract.
KIRSTEN
Yeah. Look at Bert and Ernie.
WE ANGLE ON ANITA. She's walking authoritatively up the
aisle towards the front.
ANITA
So just..imagine the bananas are
the real thing.
She takes a rather large banana off a desk and looks at
it. She snorts.
ANITA
In a land called "every man's
fantasy".
She looks up, sees the real MISS KITTERMAN
(we can tell from the model of a uterus she carries),
standing outside the door and waving. Without missing a
beat, Anita pulls down a shade on the door and locks it.
ANGLE ON: JOSIE AND TRACY still struggling with condoms.
TRACY
God, I can't do this.
JOSIE
Maybe because we're not supposed
to be having sex with bananas.
TRACY
You know what, though? I feel like
I'm really ready to do it. To have
sex for the first time.
JOSIE
Wow. That's big. I mean sex is a
really big deal. You shouldn't do
it until you know you've found the
right person.
ANGLE ON SAM, listening. Josie is oblivious.
JOSIE
You know, Adele penguins pick one
mate. They spend their whole life
looking for that one other penguin
and when they find it, they know.
That's the penguin they stay with
for the rest of their lives.
TRACY
But I'm not a penguin.
SAM
It's an analogy.
A surprised Josie looks up to see Sam next to her. She
lets her condom go. And it flies off her banana into his
face. Josie turns to Tracy.
JOSIE
Excuse me. I have to go die now.
The class is interrupted by Sydney over the loudspeaker:
SYDNEY (O.S.)
(over speaker)
Hey guys--Sydney again! Don't forget--
No going into the library cuz of
that little asbestos problem. And
about prom—
Everyone freezes. Dead silence.
SYDNEY
Really bad news. We just got the
word from intelligence-- Northglen
High is doing the Millennium too!
Complete chaos. SCREAMING terror. A GIRL faints. Sera
squeezes her banana so hard it oozes out of its skin. Other
KIDS are beating their bananas against desktops. Brett,
the football player, absentmindedly peels his banana and
begins eating it.
SAM
All right guys, let's calm down.
Calm down.
(no response)
Sit!
They all do, including Anita.
SAM
Now look. Let's focus. Prom theme.
We need a new idea.
ANITA
OH! How about "Under the Sea?"
She's met with a round of "boos". Anita reacts.
ANITA
Well excuse me.
SAM
What about the "Roaring Twenties"…
or "The 80's"?
The Class lets out a GIANT GROAN on that one.
GIBBY
What do you think we are? Amateurs?
GUY
Josie.
SERA
That's not a theme.
GUY
No, Josie will have the answer.
A long beat. Expectant faces all turn to Josie. She looks
at Tracy.
JOSIE
How about--'
(coming to her)
meant for each other--Famous couples
throughout history?
Another beat as the Class considers.
GUY
(smiles and nods)
Yeah. That's it.
The Class suddenly CONCURS.
CLASS
Yeah. /That's it. /Rufus.
Josie soaks in all the approval like a sponge.
JOSIE
Thanks. Thank you.
Josie looks from Sam and Anita's smiling faces to find Guy
smiling at her.
CLOSE UP ON A BANNER reading: "MILLENNIUM". It comes down,
replaced by one that reads: "MEANT FOR EACH OTHER... WIDEN
TO REVEAL:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Josie and the Cool Girls walk under the banner, laughing.
We PAN UP to their lapels and see that they are all wearing
replicas of Josie-'s geeky airplane pin. They pass Aldys,
Josie is oblivious.
INT. MALL - DAY
Josie and the Girls walk four abreast, like a pack of proud
lions. Kids part to let them through.
INT. SUN TIMES BULLPEN - DAY
WORKERS look at their watches, run into Gus's office.
INT. GYM PROM PREP AREA - LATER
Sam and Josie have fun painting a backdrop of the sunset.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - SAME
Workers stand around Gus's TV, riveted by Josie and Sam.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - COSMETIC COUNTER - SAME
Josie and the Girls try on lipstick, laughing and fooling
around.
INT. MUSIC ROOM - DAY
Josie and Sam pick out CDs from a DJ's case. Josie picks
one out and puts it in the "yes" pile. Sam picks it up,
wrinkles his nose, puts it back. When he looks away, Josie
sneaks it back.
INT. TEEN CLOTHING STORE - SAME
Josie's hiding behind a rack of clothes, talking on her
cell phone.
JOSIE
(into phone)
I'm telling you Gus. It's a great
story. They keep the tags on, then
return the clothes after they've
worn them.
(beat)
Gus?--Gus?
Kirsten discovers Josie behind the rack. Josie quickly
pulls a cardigan off a rack, feigning interest in it. The
Girls all do the same.
INT. HALL CONCOURSE - SAME
Josie and the Girls, wearing matching cardigans, walk past
Aldys and another Denominator on their way to the escalator.
Josie and Aldys lock eyes and Josie smiles but Aldys turns
her back to her.
ALDYS
(to Denominator)
Look, there goes another Lemming.
WE ANGLE ON the escalator as Josie and the Girls rise single
file out of- FRAME.
EXT. BASEBALL STANDS - DAY
Josie sits with her new friends, emulating them by sunning
in a bikini top and shorts while they watch the game.
GIBBY
Josie, you have totally
transitioned.
JOSIE
Transitioned?
GIBBY
You crossed over.
KRISTEN
Into our group.
KIRSTEN
It's really hard to do. Some kids
try for all of-high school and
never make it.
GIBBY
Wannabes. Kirsten transitioned
last year.
KRISTEN
Her dad sold a car to Leonardo Di
Caprio's uncle and before he picked
it up, her dad let us all sit in
it and take pictures.
GIBBY:
(to Josie)
Wait. Do you know any gay guys?
JOSIE
Why?
KIRSTEN
We'd love to transition a gay guy
into the group.
KRISTEN
We're very evolved.
ON THE FIELD
A BALL sails fast and hard. It looks like it's going to be
a base hit, into left Field, but the shortstop leaps up
and grabs it. That shortstop is Rob. The Team cheers. Coach
Romano heads out of the dugout towards Rob.
IN THE STANDS
Josie and the Gang leap up and cheer. Josie almost loses
her top, but catches it, just as Guy comes around the side
of the stands and notices Josie.
EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - CONTINUOUS
Coach Romano approaches Rob. Slaps him on the back.
COACH ROMANO
Great playing, Rob. You might be
just what Southglen South needs to
get to Nationals.
ROB
I'm playing in the championship
game?
COACH ROMANO
Playing? You're starting shortstop.
And I don't mean to put more
pressure on you but there are going
to be some pro scouts there.
ROB
Oh man!
Rob grabs Coach Romano in a bear hug. The Coach is
uncomfortable. Rob moves towards the dugout and the Coach
happily slaps him on the ass.
EXT. BASEBALL STANDS - SAME
Josie and the Girls are leaving. Guy catches up to them
and taps Josie on the shoulder.
GUY
So--you going to the party at Rob's?
Josie's taken aback. The Girls notice Guy's interest.
JOSIE
Rob's?
GUY
Yeah, you gonna be there?
Josie stumbles on a step Guy immediately reaches out to
steady her. She melts. She can't even speak, so she just
nods.
GUY
Good. I'll see you tonight.
Guy walks off.
GIBBY
He is totally crunching on you.
JOSIE
(confused)
Do I want to be crunched?
GIBBY
By Guy?
GIBBY/KRISTEN/KIRSTEN
Oh yeah.
INT. SUN TIMES ELEVATOR - DAY
CAMERA PANS the faces of some dull-looking workers. It
stops on Josie, who stands out in her teen garb and huge
knapsack. A star struck female WORKER turns to her.
WORKER
I really loved you in the sex-ed
scene.
Josie reacts.
INT. BULLPEN - CONTINOUS
Josie spills out the elevator and races through the bullpen
with Rhoda in pursuit.
RHODA
Splendiferous--
Josie stops, turns back to her.
JOSIE
Totally.
Josie keeps going. A confused Rhoda stares after her. She
passes Merkin's desk. He is still on the phone.
MERKIN
(into phone)
No way ... Yeah? ... No way.
Josie reaches over, grabs the phone out of his hand and
hangs up without missing a beat. She continues on as Merkin
stares after her. Josie reaches the conference room door.
An older WOMAN runs out crying.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rigfort presides over a staff meeting. CLOSE UP on stunned
office WORKERS' faces.
RIGFORT
Alrighty then--next on the agenda-
sack races at the company picnic-
yes or no?
Josie sneaks in. She pushes past workers to get to a chair,
big backpack whacking them as she goes.
JOSIE
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
(pushing past chairs)
Sorry. Excuse me--
Josie takes the chair next to Anita's. Anita looks her up
and down.
ANITA
(sotto)
I love that jacket.
RIGFORT
Miss Geller, what's the status on
your story?
JOSIE
Oh it's great. Totally Rufus.
Gus and Anita look at each other, both mouthing "Rufus?"
JOSIE
I have, um--
Josie dumps out her backpack on the table. Teen items spill
out-notebooks, CDs, barrettes, a hacky sac, a Frisbee,
glitter nail polish. She rifles through it all--
JOSIE
--notes here somewhere-
(picking up paper)
There's my math homework!
RIGFORT
Geller, I don't need your notes. I
need your story. Though I speak
for everyone when I say I've seen
the tapes. Compelling stuff.
All the workers nod in agreement.
RIGFORT
But I want a story in two weeks.
I'm saving the "Life and Style"
cover for you. You're gonna make
one hell of a reporter. Oh, and if
you don't, you and Gus are fired.
Josie and Gus react.
RIGFORT
Now, onto the next order of
business. Marketing department-yes
or no?
EXT. JOSIE'S PARENTS' HOUSE – NIGHT
Beer cans and kids litter the lawn. Josie pulls into the
driveway.
INT. JOSIE'S PARENTS HOUSE – SAME
Josie makes her way through the THRONGS OF KIDS. It's a
big high school "rager" lots of big blue keg cups, drunk
girls, etc. The cool Girls are present and socializing.
Josie finally makes her way to the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME
Rob is mixing margaritas, wearing a big sombrero. Tracy
sits on the counter, gazing lovingly at Rob's every move.
JOSIE
Hey Rob, what's going on?
TRACY
I'm Rob's prom date.
Josie glares at Rob.
JOSIE
Really?
(pulling Rob aside)
Rob-, that girl is sixteen.
ROB
And a gymnast!
JOSIE
She's sixteen years old, Rob. That's
totally and completely illegal.
Josie feels an arm around her shoulder. It's Guy.
GUY
Hey there.
JOSIE
Hey. There.
Guy takes Josie's hand.
GUY
Come here. I want to ask you
something.
Rob watches them leaving the kitchen.
ROB
(to Josie, calling
after)
See you around the cellblock, Mrs.
Robinson.
Josie turns around and gives him a death look. Tracy turns
to Rob.
TRACY
Rob, what do you want to be when
you grow up?
ROB
Well, a ball player.
TRACY
No, I know. But, what if you don't
make it? 'I mean, you don t Want
to be working at a mail place the
rest of your life. It's okay for
an after school job, but, come on,
"hi, I'm Rob and I run the Tiki
Post"?! Totally lame.
Tracy starts to giggle. Rob does not.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Guy and Josie stand in front of Josie's old room. A bicycle
license plate that says-"JOSIE" is nailed to the door. She
stands in front of it.
JOSIE
Maybe we should go in a different
room?
GUY
I already checked. There are some
pretty serious couples in there.
Guy reaches for the doorknob.
INT. JOSIE'S OLD BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
They go in. Josie sees her spelling bee trophies- with her
name. She turns them around, trying to appear nonchalant.
As Guy enters, he eyes the trophies, the stuffed animals,
the many sets of encyclopedias.
GUY
Wow, Rob's sister must be such a
loser.
Josie manages a weak smile. Guy sits on the bed.
GUY
Come here, sit down.
She sits on the bed, and then sees a picture of her and
her family on the bedside table. She dives across the bed
to overturn it.
GUY
I'm sure you've probably heard
that I want to ask you, but I'd
like to know if you'd go to prom
with me. I know we Didn't hit it
off right at the beginning but-
JOSIE
Yes. I'll go. Yes.
Guy leans in as if to kiss her and whispers...
GUY
Rufus.
(then pulling away)
But I don't even know where you
live.
JOSIE
You know what? Why don't you just
pick me up here? We could all share
a limo.
GUY
Cool. I'll catch you later.
Guy leaves. Josie is ecstatic and flops back on her bed.
Stuffed animals fall all around her.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Josie and Rob walk confidently through the hallway. Kids
greet and high five them both.
JASON
Hey Jos. Hey Robster.
BRETT
Looking good guys.
TOMMY
Hey Jos. Rob, rufus kegger.
Rob and Josie turn the corner.
JOSIE
Rob, this is unbelievable. I mean--
Josie shoves through the double doors leading into the
gym.
INT. GYM - CONTINUOUS
The place is a flurry of activity, a staging area for prom.
Various committees are set up at tables throughout the
room.
Josie and Rob enter.
JOSIE
--I spent my whole life wanting to
fit in, and now--
Gibby and Kirsten run up to Josie.
GIBBY
Hey Josie- who did Archie date
Betty or Veronica?
JOSIE
Betty.
Gibby turns to Kirsten.
GIBBY
Told you.
And they move off. Rob spots Tracy and moves off to her.
SAM (O.S.)
I always liked Betty better.
Josie turns, sees Sam.
JOSIE
You did?
And they begin to walk through the prom prop area, and it
begins to appear like a romantic date--they pass flowers,
he picks one out, they pass a bistro table, a backdrop of
a sunset follows them for awhile, etc.
SAM
Oh yeah. Betty was so spunky and
fun. Veronica may have had great
legs, but she was too moody. Very
high maintenance.
Josie laughs.
ANGLE ON: A TABLE where Kristen and Tommy are selling prom
tickets. Aldys is standing in front of them.
ALDYS
You can't not sell me a ticket to
prom.
TOMMY
Listen, Alpo--we can do whatever
we want.
ALDYS
Oh, I get it. It's that pesky making
change part that's confusing you
guys. Here. I'll make it easy.
(holding up money)
Money-
(drops money, takes
ticket)
Ticket.
Aldys takes her ticket, walks off. Tommy and Kristen turn
to each other and start whispering conspiratorially.
ANGLE BACK ON: JOSIE AND SAM
Sera runs up to Josie.
SERA
Josie, were Tweedle Dee and Tweedle
Dum a couple?
Josie and Sam share a look.
JOSIE
Well, in a strict sense, probably
not. But for prom--sure.
SERA
Thanks!
Sera turns off.
SAM
You're really doing a great job
here, Josie. I like your "can do"
attitude.
JOSIE
(shyly)
Thanks.
(beat)
They weren't related to Humpty
Dumpty, were they? Tweedle Dum and
Tweedle Dee?
SAM
Maybe distant cousins. They did
have that egg shape in common.
JOSIE
But Humpty Dumpty was alone.
SAM
That's sad, isn't it? He had to
sit on that wall all by himself.
He deserved to have somebody.
JOSIE
That's really what we all need,
right? Someone to sit up on the
wall with us--
SAM
Yeah. To watch the world go by.--
JOSIE
To put us back together again when
we fall.
They share a meaningful glance and a smile.
SAM
Our penguin, right?
JOSIE
Do you think you'll find her?
SAM
Yeah, actually I do.
They are lost in each other. They lean closer, as if they
may kiss, then Sam breaks the moment.
SAM
Oh my God! I almost forgot--I got
you a meeting with the admissions
guy from Dartmouth!
JOSIE
What! But--I wasn't even going to
go to college--
SAM
No, I know, but I pulled some
strings, got him to look at your
writing, and he agreed to meet
you.
JOSIE
Oh--yikes!
SAM
told him
(teasing)
--if I'm wrong about this girl,
you can take away my teaching
certificate!
JOSIE
Wow. You believe in me that much--
SAM
Of course I do. Josie, you owe it
to yourself--to your writing, to
go to college. You're a great
writer. You just have to find your
story.
As they share a meaningful look, WE FREEZE FRAME.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - LATER
Gus and Josie sit in front of his TV. The image of Sam and
Josie is frozen on the screen.
GUS
That's your story!
JOSIE
You're crazy. I can't--I can't-no.
No.
GUS
It's got it all--sex, intrigue,
immorality in the education system--
JOSIE
He's my teacher!
GUS
And that's the best part.
(bannering with his
hands)
"Teacher-Student Relations: How
close is too close?" We're gonna
blow the lid off it!
JOSIE
There is no lid! Nothing's going
on between Sam and me. Coulson.
Mr. Sam Coulson and me.
GUS
Not yet. Every person in this office
comes in here and watches you guys!
It's like the goddamn Young and
the Restless! Rigfort's salivating
over it.
JOSIE
You already pitched this to
Rigfort?!
Gus leans in, now all business.
GUS
Josie, this isn't a joke. You heard
Rigfort. It's both of our asses on
the line. This is your story.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Josie is getting ready for prom. She wears her bathrobe
and is doing her make-up. She looks over at her dresser
where she eyes the camera/flight wings pin tentatively.
INT. DEN - NIGHT
Rob, in boxers, a dress shirt, and socks is filling flasks
with vodka. Josie comes in the door wearing a lovely
Elizabethan gown. She looks absolutely beautiful.
ROB
Wow, Josie- you look really-
JOSIE
(hopeful)
Rufus?
ROB
Yes. Exactly. Major Rufus.
JOSIE
Thanks. And what are -
ROB
Duh. Tom Cruise. "Risky Business".
He puts on his black wayfarer sunglasses, and does the
famous slide into the living room. Josie laughs.
JOSIE
Rob--thanks. For everything. This
is really happening. I never thought--
ROB
I know.
Rob smiles and exits.
Josie nervously checks her reflection in the T.V. - just
like she did eight years ago. She takes a deep breath, and
goes out.
EXT. FRONT PORCH - SAME
Josie comes out on the porch, and sees the limo rounding
the corner, just like eight years before. The sunroof opens.
And Guy stands up - holding something.
Josie panics - and starts to take cover - but then sees
he's holding a dozen white roses. And holding them out to
her.
GUY
Come on beautiful - what are you
waiting for?
Josie, smiling, runs down the driveway to the limo.
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - NIGHT
Prom night. And it really is magical. Twinkling lights dot
the trees, MUSIC wafts out from the club. A neon sign that
says "Meant For Each Other" blinks above the building.-
COUPLES make their way inside. We see MORK a MINDY, ANTONY
a CLEOPATRA and Sera dressed as a RABBIT. Annoyed, she
turns back to her lagging date, Brett, dressed as a
TORTOISE.
SERA
Hello! If you don't hurry up we're
gonna miss the whole thing!
Gibby, Kirsten, and Kristen exit limos with their DATES.
They all wear the same straight blonde wig, and look at
each other in horror.
GIBBY
Oh-my-God. You totally ripped off
my Malibu Barbie idea.
KRISTEN
Uh uh. I'm Disco Barbie.
Kirsten's wearing a short, tight miniskirt.
KIRSTEN
And I'm Evening Gown Barbie.
GIBBY
Right. That's not an evening gown.
KIRSTEN
It is on Barbie.
Josie and Guy approach, dressed in Elizabethan costume.
They look great.
KRISTEN
Josie, you look Rufus.
KIRSTEN
Who are you guys?
GIBBY
Don't tell me... You're Medieval
Barbie.
JOSIE
Rosalind and Orlando.
(nothing)
From "As You Like It"?
(more blank stares)
Shakespeare?
It's like talking to a sack of hammers. Guy interjects.
GUY
Look! I get to have a sword!
And they all ooh and ahh.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB – CONTINOUS
WE FOLLOW Josie and the group into the prom. The place
looks amazing. Lights, ice sculptures, champagne fountains.
WE PAN DOWN the buffet.
A BOY dressed as a jar of PEANUT BUTTER and his date, JELLY,
are getting food. Peanut Butter turns away from the buffet
and bumps into a GIRL dressed as a CHOCOLATE BAR.
PEANUT BUTTER
oh, sorry.
There's a magical beat as they smile at each other.
CHOCOLATE BAR
That's okay--
Jelly looks on, chagrined.
We reach two OLDER GENTLEMEN in tuxes who carry clipboards
and wear big buttons that read: NATIONAL PROM JUDGE. They
contemplate the ice sculpture.
JUDGE #1
It's deft and unique without being
derivative.
JUDGE #2
(looking off)
Hey! Pigs in blankets!
And he runs off.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - LATER THAT NIGHT
Josie sits with the COOL GROUP at a table. Kristen is making
odd faces.
JOSIE
Kristen, what are you doing?
KRISTEN
I'm practicing my surprised face
for when we get named to prom court.
JOSEPH and a very pregnant MARY approach their table and
try to sit down.
KIRSTEN
Sorry. There's no room at this
table.
Joseph and Mary amble off. Guy turns to Josie.
GUY
You having fun?
JOSIE
(meaning it)
Oh yeah. The best. Josie takes in
the spectacle around her.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
Candles are lit. George's Date sits on the couch. The
monitor is on showing the JOSIE CAM POV.
He flips the switch, the lights dim and a small disco ball
starts moving slowly. George settles in next to his Date.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The entire office is crammed into Gus's office. Anita sits
up front, spellbound, watching the JOSIE CAM. Gus stands
in back. Okay, he's a little interested too.
ANITA
This is the most beautiful prom I
have ever been to.
Cynthia runs in with a bowl of popcorn.
CYNTHIA
Did I miss the crowning?
MERKIN
No, but I'm closing the pool in
five minutes.
Merkin holds out a bowl of cash.
MERKIN
Josie's odds are 3 to 1. 2 to 1
for Prom court. And even odds the
kid sticks himself with the sword
by the end of the night.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - CONTINUOUS
WE PAN ACROSS the dance floor where we see POPEYE & OLIVE
OYL, SONNY & CHER, the BLUES BROTHERS.
WE HOLD on ROBIN dancing with BATGIRL. BATMAN approached
and taps Robin's shoulder--
BATMAN
May I have this dance-
And Batgirl steps aside--Robin and Batman dance happily
away.
ANGLE ON ROB TRYING TO SLOW DANCE WITH TRACY
(dressed like REBECCA De MORNAY), but she is so-drunk she's
having trouble balancing.
TRACY
Are you having fun?
ROB
Yeah. Definitely.
He tries to stand her up on her own.
TRACY
Good. Gibby gave me champagne.
ROB
Maybe we should sit.
He helps her to a chair next to the dance floor. They both
sit. Next to them, a ravenous MISS PIGGY eats with her
date KERMIT looking on. She picks up an hors d'oeuvre and
stares at it horrified.
MISS PIGGY
Oh my God! Is this a pig in a
blanket?!
Tracy looks at Rob, and gets serious.
TRACY
Rob, I've - I've thought about it
a lot. And I think- I mean, I know.
You're the one. My penguin.
Rob looks at her. She's young. She's beautiful. She's tipsy.
She's trying to put her legs behind her head.
ROB
Wow - I-
TRACY
Rob, I mean it. I want you to be
my first. Me and you. Once the
floor stops spinning, let's have
sex.
He looks around. It's high school prom. A skinny kid is
getting beat up in a corner. Other kids are sneaking smokes.
He can't do this.
ROB
I'm gonna get you some water. And
then, I think we should get back
out on that dance floor and boogie.
Rob gets up, kisses Tracy on the top of her head, and heads
for the refreshment table. Tracy, her leg still around her
head falls backwards into Kermit's lap. Kermit looks down,
surprised and interested. Miss Piggy notices, gives him a
big "Harumph", tosses her hair, and leaves.
ANGLE BACK ON: THE COOL TABLE.
Gibby is staring O.S. in horror.
GIBBY
You guys--what is the one thing
that could ruin my senior prom?
KRISTEN
That you would trip on your Barbie
heels and I'd get named prom queen?
(beat)
Did I say that out loud?
WE FOLLOW Kristen's stare to the prom entrance where Aldys
and the Denominators enter in pairs, one behind the other,
attached together with rope, to form a human ladder. They
cross the dance floor, interrupting everything with their
unwieldy, tied-together conga line. They approach the Cool
Table.
GIBBY
So what are you supposed to be?
Other than freaks?
ALDYS
We're DNA. A double helix. But I
guess you'd know that if you'd
actually passed bio.
Kristen reaches out and touches the rope binding Denominator
#1 to Aldys. Denominator #1 slaps her hand away.
DENOMINATOR #1
Please don't touch the hydrogen.
It's rented.
Kristen reacts.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - ON THE STAGE – LATER
Sam takes the stage, with a card in his hand.
SAM
Well, the moment has arrived.
He looks at the card.
SAM
Our 1999 prom court - the princesses
are - Miss Kristen Rey, Miss Kirsten
Leosis and Miss Gibby Zarefsky.
And the princes are Mr. Thomas
Salamey, Mr. Jason Way, and Mr.
Rob -
Sam looks at the card, and then looks around. Nobody can
help him.
SAM
Mr. Rob ... Mr. Rob!
The crowd cheers. Gibby, Kirsten, and Kristen all jump in
preplanned delight. Rob seems genuinely surprised. Jason
carries Tommy up to the stage piggyback. The girls make
their way to the stage, and put on their "PROM COURT"
sashes. Sam looks to the card again.
SAM
Next up - Southglen's Prom King…
Guy is already halfway to the stage-
SAM
Guy Perkins!
The crowd goes wild. Guy reaches the stage and takes his
crown and scepter.
SAM
And - this year's prom queen -
Sam looks at the card, then at Josie. Josie is standing;
eyes open, staring at the podium...
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The Crowd is rapt, waiting for the announcement. Anita has
her eyes squeezed shut, praying for the win...
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - ANGLE ON SAM.
SAM
Ladies and gentlemen – Josie Geller!
The Crowd CHEERS like crazy, Josie smiles.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The Crowd goes crazy, hugging each other and jumping up
and down.
ANITA
Yes! You go girl! Yes! Yes!
Anita gives Gus a big hug. Gus is completely taken aback.
Merkin dolefully hands out money.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - CONTINUOUS-
Josie is hugged and congratulated as she makes her way,
elated, to the stage. Sam places the Queen's tiara on her
head and hands her a bouquet of flowers. They lock eyes
for a moment.
SAM
And now - as it is custom - the
king and queen will have their
first dance.
ON THE DANCE FLOOR:
Guy and Josie begin to dance. From Josie's P.O.V., it's in
SLOW MOTION, the world glittering and wonderful around
her.
GUY
Hey--what are you thinking about?
JOSIE
Shakespeare. How he described a
night like this--"Look how the
floor of heaven is thick inlaid
with patines of bright gold".
(beat)
What about you? What are you
thinking about?
GUY
(taking a beat,
happily)
My sword.
It's like a switch has been flicked on in Josie's brain.
JOSIE
Oh.
GUY
Josie, you rock my world. You're
like the most amazing girl I've
ever dated. You're so smart and
fun and crazy! You rock my world.
JOSIE
You said that already.
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - BUFFET - MINUTES LATER
Josie stands by the buffet in her tiara, turns and comes
face to face with Sam. They're both taken aback by the
other's beauty.
SAM
Josie--you make a really beautiful
prom queen.
JOSIE
Thanks. So do you.
They both laugh, embarrassed, at Josie's flub.
SAM
I always feel like such a goofball
in these penguin suits. Like I'm
at my own wedding or something.
An awkward beat.
SAM
You wanna--
He gestures towards the dance floor. Josie smiles.
JOSIE
Yeah, okay--
And they walk off onto the dance floor.
ANGLE ON: THE SIDE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
Guy approaches Aldys.
GUY
Hey, listen--it's prom. How about
we let all the old shit go. Would
you like to dance?
Aldys can't help it. She smiles, a little flattered.
GUY
If it's okay with the rest of the
double helix.
Aldys smiles and unhooks herself from the group. And starts
to dance with Guy.
ANGLE ON: JOSIE AND SAM as they continue to dance.
SAM
Proms always make me sad. They're
so final. Graduation. Everyone's
scattering, moving on.
JOSIE
Well, are you here with anybody?
SAM
No, I'm alone.
JOSIE
It's weird because "prom" is
actually from the word "promenade".
And you can't really promenade
alone, can you?
Sam smiles at this.
SAM
You're amazing, Josie Geller.
ANGLE ON: GUY AND ALDYS as they dance, WE SEE the Cool
Girls and Jason standing to the side of the dance floor
laughing Gibby reaches into her purse and pulls out a CAN
OF ALPO. She hands it to Jason who pulls a CAN OPENER out
of his pocket, opens the lid. He hands it to Kirsten who
take the lid off. She hands the can to Kristen, who hands
the can to Tommy.
SAM
So--have you thought anymore about
Dartmouth?
JOSIE
Yeah, I have.
CLOSE UP on Josie's HAND as she subtlety removes her hidden
camera pin and drops it to the ground.
JOSIE
There's something I have to tell
you--
Her foot comes down on top of it.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
George is making out with his Date when the monitor suddenly
FRITZES OFF. George looks up.
GEORGE
What the--?!
George stands and hits the side of the monitor.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Gus's monitor flicks to static. The Crowd lets out a
horrified GASP.
CYNTHIA
Tell him what?! Tell him what?!
INT. COUNTRY CLUB - DANCE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Sam looks deep into Josie's eyes.
SAM
There's something I have to tell
you, too--
Josie's eyes shift from Sam to over his shoulder. She spots
Aldys, who smiles at her. Josie's eyes travel up to the
can of DOG FOOD.
FLASH: TEENAGE JOSIE
on the porch, facing Billy and his Date.
FLASH: TEENAGE JOSIE
with egg dripping all over her.
BACK TO PRESENT.
JOSIE
NOOOOOOO!
SLOW MOTION as Josie lunges for Aldys and pulls her to
floor as Tommy, off-balance, dumps the dog food all down
Guy's front. The Crowd stops dead, staring. The can, now
empty, rolls slowly off the dance floor, the metal rolling
noise ECHOING in the silence.
GUY
(to Josie)
What is your problem?!
GIBBY
I knew it. You are a loser.
KRISTEN
You ruined the whole thing!
KIRSTEN
You so do not deserve to be prom
queen.
Everyone is still staring. It's dead quiet.
JOSIE
Let me tell you something.
It is still silent. Josie takes a deep breath, and looks
around the room.
JOSIE
I don't care about being the prom
queen. I am twenty five years old.
Looks of confusion and teenage disgust. Rob is pissed. Sam
looks shocked.
JOSIE
I'm here as an undercover reporter
for the Sun Times for God's sake
and I've been beating my brains
out trying to impress you.
She tears off her crown, and chucks it. She's on a roll.
JOSIE
I want to tell you something. You
people- Guy, Gibby, the rest of
you who have been keeping the geeks
down through the ages. You will
spend your lives trying to figure
out ways to keep others down,
because it makes you feel more
important. And you will miss out
on so much.
(indicating Aldys)
Why her, huh? What did she ever
do to you? Let me tell you something
about this girl. She is
unbelievable. I was new here, and
she befriended me- no questions
asked. But you people, you were my
friends only after my brother,
Rob...
She points out Rob in the crowd. He's mortified.
JOSIE
posed as a student and told you to
like me. But y'know--l have to
thank you. I got to go to an amazing
prom. I got to be prom queen. I
got to be cool. It felt good.
(beat)
But not as good as being myself.
(turns to crowd)
And to all of you-- there's a big
world out there. Bigger than prom.
Bigger than high school. When you
get there, it won't matter if you
were prom queen or the quarterback
or the biggest nerd in school.
What matters is that you don't
regret who you were, who you are-
What if Steven Spielberg had quit
the audio/visual club because it
wasn't "cool"? What if Rosie
O'Donnell had stopped cracking
jokes because someone told her
they were stupid? What if Michael
Jordan never went back to basketball
after he got cut from his high
school team?.
(a beat)
In this room right now, there could
be a future Nobel Prize winner, a
Supreme Court Justice, an amazing
Mom. Find out who you are and don't
be afraid of it.
(a beat)
And if you'll all excuse me, I
have some business to take care
of.
Reaction shots' all around. Kids start clapping, hollering,
whooping. The MUSIC STARTS UP again. They all go back to
dancing The Denominators lead their own conga line.
ANGLE ON: JOSIE
She looks around for Sam but he is gone. She runs out,
brushing past the Judges.
ANGLE ON: JUDGES
Judge #2 dabs his eyes.
JUDGE #1
This prom had it all. Laughter,
tears, an amazing climax.
Judge #2, still overcome, just raises his "two thumbs up."
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
Josie exits the club, looking for Sam. George runs up to
her.
GEORGE
Hey--I lost the feed! What happened
with Coulson? Gus is going crazy!
Out of the shadows emerges Sam. The look on his face says
he just heard everything.
JOSIE
So--surprise!
He shakes his head in disbelief and walks off. Josie chases
after him. He turns back to her.
SAM
"Surprise!" you were doing a story
on me?!
JOSIE
No, surprise, I thought you'd be--
SAM
What? Happy? Why? Because it turns
out all along that I was allowed
to be attracted to you?
JOSIE
(touched)
You were attracted to me?
SAM
Goddamnit, Josie! Drop the act. Do
you have any idea what I went
through every night because of
you?! I was attracted to a 17
year old! When I wasn't taking
cold showers, I was trying to figure
out what the hell I was going to
do when I couldn't teach anymore!
I thought I was the one being
unethical.
JOSIE
Wait, I was going to tell you--
SAM
You set me up. For a story.
(beat)
You know what's crazy? I was
actually considering waiting for
you.
JOSIE
But now you don't have to--
SAM
Now I don't want to! I bought all
of your penguin crap. I thought I
found her--the right one! And the
problem was she was too young! No -
the problem was--she didn't even
exist!
JOSIE
I did exist. I do exist. I'm the
same person!
SAM
The person I cared about wouldn't
have done this. Everything out of
your mouth has been a complete
lie. I don't know you at all. For
all I know you could hate Dorothy
Parker.
JOSIE
I don't! Look, you could get to
know me, again.
Sam turns and starts to walk away.
JOSIE
Please. Please don't walk away.
SAM
I just can't look at you the same
way.
Sam gets into his car and drives off. Josie is devastated.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - LATER
Josie, still in the prom dress, rounds the corner of her
apartment hallway and sees Rob, still in his Risky Business
get-up, slumped in front of the door.
ROB
Josie, finally. I just wanted to
come over and make sure you're
okay.
JOSIE
Really?
He gets up. He's not happy.
ROB
No- not really, Josie. NOT REALLY.
How could you do that to me? I
helped you. I got you everything
you wanted. And how do you repay
me- you blow everything TWO DAYS
before pro scouts come to see me
play. Once they had seen me really
play- they wouldn't have given a
shit about my age.
JOSIE
wasn't even thinking about-
ROB
No, you weren't. Don't you realize
the only time I was really happy
in the last five years was when I
was playing ball with those guys?
JOSIE
I-
ROB
No, shut up, Josie. Just shut up.
He storms off.
INT. JOSIE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Josie lies amidst the needlepoint pillows, still in her
prom costume. She stares blankly at the ceiling.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - DAY
Gus slaps a newspaper down on his desk.
CLOSE ON - the front page of the paper, and not just any
newspaper - THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE - the Sun Times' rival.
There is a PHOTO of Josie from Prom with the headline that
reads: "REPORTER REVEALED AT LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL".
Josie picks it up, and starts reading.
GUS
Your story was Rigfort's baby. We
were scooped! We've got nothing.
Zippo. You totally and completely
screwed both of us.
JOSIE
Maybe I could talk to Rigfort, you
know, tell him the whole story.
GUS
I'll tell you a story. It's about
this shy copy editor who makes a
mockery of herself and her boss
when she completely botches her
first assignment as a reporter.
Josie stands. Slams down the paper.
JOSIE
We are not screwed. Yes, I made a
mistake. But we will have a story.
(beat)
You will have an amazing story.
Josie exits.
INT. SUN TIMES BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS
Josie walks out of Gus's office, continues, determined,
towards the elevators. Anita falls into step with her.
ANITA
Josie! Josie, how'd it go? Did he
ream you?
JOSIE
Yeah, but I'm okay. I've got some
work to do.
ANITA
You need my help?
JOSIE
No, thanks--I'm doing this on my
own.
Josie walks past Merkin's desk. She holds out her hand to
Merkin.
JOSIE
Merkin. Highlighter.
Merkin slaps a highlighter into her hand, she continues
on. Anita watches her go.
EXT. SOUTHGLEN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Josie, looking quite the professional in stylish pantsuit
and briefcase, bounds up the steps, two at a time.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME
Josie walks down the hall, purposefully - she is on a
mission. Groups of kids stop and stare at her, but this
time, Josie doesn't even notice.
As Josie rounds a corner, she comes face to face with Guy,
who is at his locker. He looks at her. She smiles. And now
it is Guy that is nervous. He drops a pile of papers, tries
awkwardly to gather them. Josie looks at him - and for the
first time we see it register on her face - this guy is
just a seventeen- year-old kid.
GUY
Uh, hey, umm--Ms. Geller. This is
totally embarrassing but my mom,
she's all worried about me getting
a job after graduation. She wanted
me to ask you about like, an
internship for me, at the Sun Times?
Josie smiles big.
JOSIE
I'll do what I can. And tell your
mom not to worry - you'll do O.K.
Josie continues down the hall.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - SAME
The guys' locker room. A bunch of GUYS are getting dressed
after P. E.
JOSIE (O.S.)
WOMAN COMING THROUGH! COVER UP
WHAT YOU DON'T WANT SEEN!
And with that Josie comes walking into the locker room,
completely unruffled, and storms over to Coach Romano's
office, just as he is leaving it.
JOSIE
Hi, Coach Romano, my name is Josie
Geller, from the Chicago Sun Times
Listen, you know the local sports
guy for the Sun Times, Jim Lakin?
COACH
Sure, every coach in the area tries
to get Jim to cover his team.
Josie puts her arm around the coach, and leads him back
into his own office.
JOSIE
Well, what would you say if I told
you that I could guarantee that
Jim and every other reporter in
the area would be at the game?
COACH
I'd say you can have whatever the
hell you want.
Josie smiles, together they enter his office and close the
door.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Josie sits at her disk, typing on her laptop, engrossed.
JOSIE (V.O.)
Someone once told me that to write
well you have to write what you
know. This is what I know. I am
twenty five years old. I have never
really kissed a guy. A geek to the
core, most of my childhood years
were spent doing extra homework I
requested from the teacher.
INT. GUS' OFFICE - DAY
Gus comes in, snaps on the light, sits at his desk, and
opens his newspaper. He pulls out, the "Life and Style"
section.
And there it is. Front page - "NEVER BEEN KISSED BY JOSIE
GELLER." There are three pictures next to the article.
One is Josie at age 17, one is her recent prom picture,
and one is her as a normal, 25 yr. old adult.
JOSIE (V.O.)
High school was more of the same.
Then, at seventeen, it seemed as
if my luck was about to change.
The cutest guy in school asked me
to senior prom - but it turned out
he invited me as a cruel joke. I
have never fully recovered.
INT. SUN TIMES LUHCHROOH - DAY
Anita and Cynthia read the article, in the staff lunch
room, over a shared bag of microwave popcorn. They are
astounded-
JOSIE (V.O.)
Yes, it is embarrassing to share
this with the world. But it would
be hard to explain what I learned,
and how I learned it, without
sharing this humiliating history.
EXT. A HOUSE - MORNING
The Sun Times lies on the front mat. The door opens; we
see a pair of bare feet. A hand reaches down to grab the
paper. WE PAN UP to reveal Sam in all his depressed glory--
sweats, unshaven, bleary eyed.
JOSIE (V.O.)
I received an assignment, my first
as a reporter, to enroll in high
school as a student, to gain some
insight into kids today.
Understandably, returning to high
school was my worst nightmare.
Sam shuts the door.
EXT. SOUTHGLEN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Kids stream into school.
JOSIE (V.O.)
What I found?
INT. MRS. KNOX'S CIASSROOM - DAY
Mrs. Knox, wearing the sombrero, teaches her class.
JOSIE (V.O.)
There's still that one teacher,
who marches to her own drummer-
And in the back row, Kirsten, Kristen and Gibby are laughing
an talking--
JOSIE (V.O.)
Those girls are still there. The
ones that, even as you grow up,
will still be the most beautiful
girls that you've ever seen close
up.
EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - DAY
THE BASEBALL TEAM AS THEY PRACTICE-
JOSIE (V.O.)
The athletes - and the immense
sense of fraternity and loyalty
that they share-
INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
ALDYS AND THE DENOMINATORS- MAKING SMORES OVER A BUNSON
BURNER GETTING INTO A MELTED CHOCOLATE AND MARSHMALLOW
FIGHT- AND LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY-
JOSIE (V.O.)
The smart kids. Who everyone else
always knew as the brains. But who
I just knew as my soulmates, my
teachers, my friends.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
GUY, TOMMY AND JASON, AS THEY GET OUT GUY'S CAR, IN THE
PARKING LOT-
JOSIE (V.O.)
And there's still that one guy,
the one who is so perfect in every
way, from the muscles in his
shoulders-
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
WE FOCUS IN ON GUY, AS HE TAKES THE FRONT STEPS TWO AT A
TIME-
JOSIE (V.O.)
- to the way he, in his own way,
struggles to uphold tradition.
Southglen would not have been the
same without him. High school would
not be the same without him. I
would not have been the same without
him.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
GUY, HIS BUDDIES, KIRSTEN, KRISTEN AND GIBBY, SIGN
YEARBOOKS, HANG OUT BY THE LOCKERS-
JOSIE (V.O.)
All of these things made me
miserable at seventeen. But at
twenty five I finally see that
this - all of this- is just the
way it should be. It is all part
of this thing- high school. A time
in our lives that we can never
truly repeat. A time that shapes
us. A time that makes us who we
are, for years to come.
EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY
HANDS GRAB CHICAGO SUN TIMES AT THE NEWSSTAND-
JOSIE (V.O.)
High school- going through it the
first time- helped make me who I
am. But going there a second time
made me see that who I am is O.K.
I always wanted to be "in", but
seven years later, when they finally
opened the door, I somehow gained
the confidence to stay outside,
firmly, happily.
EXT. "EL" TRAIN PLATFORM - DAY
About 75% of the people have their Life and Style sections
opened, reading Josie's piece.
JOSIE (V.O.)
This is not the article I was sent
in to write. This is the article I
needed to write. I lived a lifetime
of regret after my first high school
experience, and now, after my
second, my regrets are down to
one.
INT. SAM'S KITCHEN - MORNING
The kitchen of a depressed guy--empty pizza boxes next to
a dying plant. Sam pours milk into a bowl of Lucky Charms
while he reads the Sports Section of the paper.
JOSIE (V.O.)
A certain teacher was trampled in
my path to self-discovery, and
though this article may serve as a
step, it in no way makes up for
what I did to him.
He's not paying attention and the milk overflows the bowl,
soaking the table.
JOSIE
To this man, you know who you are,
I am so sorry.
He takes the wet paper, using it like a sponge, he sops up
the remaining milk, and throws the paper into an open trash
can. He leaves the kitchen. WE HOLD ON the empty room.
JOSIE
And, I would like to add one more
thing - I think I am in love with
you.
EXT. BASEBALL, STADIUM PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Cars begin to fill the parking lot in a steady stream.
JOSIE (V.O.)
And so I propose this - as an ending
to this article, and, perhaps, as
an ending to this portion of my
life. I, Josie Geller, will be at
the State Championship baseball
game – where my friends the
Southglen Rams are playing for the
title.
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - NIGHT
The Southglen Rams baseball team minus Rob, are on the
field, warming up.
JOSIE (V.O.)
I will stand on the pitcher's mound
for the five minutes prior to the
first pitch. If this man accepts
my apology, I ask him to come to
kiss me, in front of everyone, for
my first real kiss.
We find a nervous looking Josie standing in the dugout.
JOSIE
Five minutes may seem like a short
time, but trust me, when you've
been waiting twenty-five years,
it's usually the last five minutes
that kill you.
CU: THE PICTURE TAKEN OF JOSIE AND SAM AT THE PROM.
JOSIE (V.O.)
I went back to high school and
discovered I was a loser, again.
WIDEN TO REVEAL the picture on the fridge in--
INT. SAM'S KITCHEN - EVENING
Sam enters, still in sweats, carrying a book. He opens the
fridge, grabs a beer, shuts it, is confronted by Josie's
picture. He takes it down, looks at it.
JOSIE
And then I discovered it wasn't so
bad. I wasn't so bad. So, now that
I'm ready to start living the rest
of my life, it would be magical if
I could live the rest of it with
him.
Sam lets the photo slowly drop from his hand into the trash.
JOSIE
Because inside everyone is a loser
afraid to be loved, and out there
is the one person who can kiss us
and make it all better.
WE FOLLOW Sam's stare down into the trash and see the photo
lying on top and to the side of Josie's article--the photos
from the article are clearly visible.
ANGLE ON HOT DOGS, POPCORN CHANGING HANDS being sold by
the truckload at the stadium. The crowds are over capacity.
Way over. People fill the parking lot, they cover every
other inch of school grounds, as well. They stand on the
roofs of nearby buildings, they sit on top of their cars.
It looks like most of Chicago is either already there, or
on their way.
Some WOMEN hold signs for Josie, others hold and wave her
article.
Josie sticks her head out of the dugout, and looks out at
the fans. TV REPORTERS are everywhere, including several
on the field. She looks like she may faint. She ducks back
in.
INT. DUGOUT - SAME
The team is dressed, ready, excited. Anita and Aldys stand
next to Josie. Josie looks up at the crowd, amazed.
JOSIE
Wow. It's packed.
ANITA
It's great! They're behind you.
They feel like they know you.
ALDYS
It's romantic, what you're doing,
and they want to be a part of it.
JOSIE
Well I'm so glad that you guys
are.
Josie then starts to hyperventilate. She puts her head
between her ankles. Anita and Aldys both grab the brown
paper bag and hand it to Josie. She hyperventilates into
it. Coach Romano approaches. Josie puts the bag down.
COACH
Sweet Jesus, Geller - I had no
idea there'd be all these TV crews
here. This thing's gonna be on
every station in the country.
Josie immediately begins hyperventilating into the bag
again.
COACH
You more than kept your end of the
bargain. Now go out there and get
'em.
Josie gets up and he slaps her on the ass. She hugs Aldys.
Then Anita gives Josie a big hug, and won't let go. Josie
has to pull Anita pulls back. Josie struggles to get out
of the hug- Anita won't let her. Finally, they are both
laughing.
Josie walks out of the dugout, and onto the field.
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - SAME
She walks, alone, out to the pitcher's mound, clutching a
microphone. The crowd goes berserk. She stands until they
quiet.
JOSIE
Could I have five minutes on the
clock, please?
The scoreboard clock reads 5:00. Josie stands, alone.
EXT. BOX SEATS – SAME
The staff from the Sun Times sits in box seats up front.
Rigfort joins them, carrying a huge load of hot dogs.
RIGFORT
I got weiners. Hot weiners.
Rigfort sits next to Gus. Behind them sit Bruns, his hair
finally growing in and Howard, now down to just a sling.
RIGFORT
I love this. Sun Times readers,
out here, making a personal
connection to one of our reporters.
This is amazing, isn't it? Weiner?
Gus takes a weiner.
GUS
Yeah, it is.
RIGFORT
(studying his weiner)
Wait a minute...
Rigfort pulls something small and shiny out of the bun.
RIGFORT
There's a bolt in my weiner.
Then he turns back to Howard and smiles.
RIGFORT
Hey Howard, what are you doing for
the next month?
Howard's face falls.
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - SAME
Josie still stands there. The clock is down to 2:30. She
looks over to the dugout.
EXT. BLEACHERS - SAME
The Denominators talking and laughing. Behind them, sit
the Marching Band
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND – SAME
Josie forces-a stoic smile. 1:00 is on the clock.
EXT. BLEACHERS - SAME
The cool crowd. Guy, Kirsten and the gang. They are trying
start the wave, but its not working.
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - SAME
The clock reads: 20.
EXT. BOX SEATS - SAME
The Sun Times box. Anita clutches Gus's hand for dear life
has her eyes squeezed tight. The crowd keeps chanting.
EXT. BLEACHERS - SAME
Everyone - including all the Denominators are on their
feet, chanting. Aldys cheers the loudest.
EXT. STANDS - SAME
The women are on their feet, chanting.
EXT. BLEACHERS - SAME
Guy and the Gang are on their feet.
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - SAME
Josie stands, clutching the mic. The clock reads: 10.
CROWD
TEN - NINE - EIGHT - SEVEN - SIX -
Josie stands there, head still held high.
CROWD
FIVE - FOUR - THREE - TWO -
Josie steals a look to the dugout. No one is coming out
the door.
CROWD
ONE!!
Josie makes one more desperate look around. No one is
running toward her.
CLOSE UP on Josie, completely crestfallen. She drops the
microphone. It reverbs in the silent stadium.
WE PAN ACROSS the Crowd, all defeated. And then...
A commotion in the stands. Sam bursts through the crowd.
He runs toward the mound. The Crowd is on their feet.
It feels like a lifetime before he reaches Josie, grabs
her, pulls her close to him.
SAM
I told you you could write, Josie
Geller.
JOSIE
I finally found my story.
And they kiss passionately. The most amazing, most waited-
for kiss in the history of man. A kiss that will last
forever.
INT. DUGOUT - SAME
Rob is in his baseball uniform, cheering up a storm. Across
his chest is emblazoned: "ASSISTANT COACH".
EXT. BOX SEATS - SAME
Anita is so thrilled, she reaches over and plants a big
one on Gus. She is surprised. So is he. They like it.
EXT. BLEACHERS - SAME
The Denominators and Aldys cheer their brains out.
EXT. BLEACHERS - SAME
Guy, Kirsten, etc. have finally succeeded in starting the
wave.
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - SAME
MUSIC UP: The Beach Boys "And Then I Kissed Her" as Josie
and Sam continue to kiss as the CAMERA PULLS UP, taking in
the kiss, the Crowd, the stadium... CAMERA SPINS UP as
FIREWORKS go off above the stadium... And we watch as the
stadium becomes a speck against the glittering backdrop of
Chicago.
FADE OUT:
THE END